Eccentric SIL

[ProbablybeingU]

SIL has a very eccentric personality and parenting approach. She is a spiritual person who reads tarot, loves yoga/pilates and is vegan. She has always been a bit “hippy dippy” - although doesn’t look remotely like the stereotypes you’d imagine, she is just a normal woman.

She is very lovely but has a bit of an eccentric approach to parenting. DN is being raised vegan, she used elimination communication from being newborn, doesn’t allow sleepovers or quite frankly anyone to babysit. Niece is 3 years old and as far as I’m aware her Mum has watched her twice over night and that was by staying at BIL and SIL house. Niece has never been in nursery and SIL has just announced plans to home educate.

From what I’m aware all of her friendship group all have children a similar age so niece does socialise a lot with kids of similar age but none of her friends share similar beliefs to SIL and all of their kids attend nursery/school etc.

AIBU to think she’s setting DN up for failure here/perhaps to be singled out? I’m aware kids can be quite nasty.

Without being too outing away she was a very high earner before DN and her job required years of university. Which is also why I think she’s very eccentric, she’s throwing away all of her hard work. She was so proud and excited when she graduated.

That can’t be good for SIL either. BIL is also a high earner and I do wonder if watching his career climb will have an impact on her mental health as they used to be quite competitive.

Oh my god. Just leave her alone!

Why have you laid all this on sil? Is the father not involved at all?

No one needs to send their child to nursery and if she is part of the home ed community, the child will get loads of socialisation. Home education, if done well, is a fantastic form of education. Probably, the family will fit in better with the home educating community than a school environment anyway.

Not letting a 3 year old go on sleepovers is surely really quite normal?

I live rurally, always have, and know plenty of people far more bonkers than your SIL, so I’m not sure your excuse for being so sheltered washes. Your SIL sounds like an engaged and loving mother, and I’m not sure you’re really concerned at all. Rather, it comes across that you feel a little threatened by the fact that she parents so differently to you.

Children are naturally very accepting - they may pick up on and be interested in difference, but that doesn’t come with prejudice and judgment - they learn those things from the adults in their environment. Be careful about what you’re teaching your own children. Leave this obviously happy family to raise their perfectly thriving child the way they enjoy and believe in.

Not surprised. Even my own teens refuse to get involved in animal based activities for ethical reasons. We are all being enlightened every day with more transparency being demanded.

Your faux concern is irritating. Perhaps she fancies a break from her high earning job, perhaps she will get bored.

Or perhaps she is providing a wonderful childhood experience for her child.

Whatever it is, it's none of your business and your repeated insistence that you are right and she is weird is rather telling.

You're different. Get over it.

It's her choice.

She's not throwing away her education and career. Your education doesn't instantly become meaningless the minute you stop working. She may want to rejoin the workplace later on in her life. It's between her and her husband, and no one else's business.

To insinuate that she will develop mental health issues.... well, I now doubt any of the truth of what you've posted, you cannot possibly be serious about this.

Sounds like the choices she's made as a parent are working out well for her and her child so far? Why are you looking for trouble when there doesn't appear to be any? Why is there 'the worry' about her career? That's nothing to do with you.

And I would suggest, that she's less likely to encounter 'cruel' kids if she's home schooling. My 3 didn't manage to escape them with their conventional schooling.

I wonder if you're just one of those people for whom other people make different choices to you lands as a criticism? It's fine for you both to do things differently. It doesn't mean one of you is getting it wrong.

Keep trying, OP. I’m sure you’ll eventually find an angle.

(Seriously, though, and I don’t mean this unkindly, but do you not mix much with different kinds of people?)

I see from subsequent posts that you’re very concerned about your poor SIL and how she and her daughter might or might not be or feel in the future. What a caring soul you are. Or are you jealous? Have a little look at what is causing you to be so concerned here.

Interestingly, when we decided to home educate our own children, my BIL actually screamed at me (even though it was more my DH’s decision). My SIL stamped her foot at me and they told us that our children would never get into university. Eldest is currently doing software engineering at a top Russell group university and younger child is at the local state grammar and is predicted all 8s and 9s in his GCSEs. Neither of my kids went to nursery and both started school between 11 and 13.

Im not vegan but I wont go to all animal displays because I think its important to only give your money and support to those that prioritise animal conservation efforts, just because she didnt go to that zoo doesnt mean she wont let her ever go to any kind of animal display or learning centre.

Also is baby wearing unusual or only done occasionally where you are from? I think you do sound a bit sheltered yes, why would you have thought that the amount you have seen people baby wear is the 'correct' amount and anything different to that must be done out of not-great intentions just because she does it a lot and your brother made a joke.

Also you made it sound like your brother is under her thumb, maybe he just loves her and agrees with her opinions, is that really so hard to imagine?

I find the elimination communication strange, especially from a newborn child.

Homeschooling - if a parent could make that commitment, long-term, that's great (I know someone who's been homeschooling her 13 year old all these years).

Vegan - I don't agree with that, as I'd worry that the child wouldn't get sufficient protein, vitamins, etc.

Not everyone wants to leave their child with a relative or babysitter.

I think she’s setting her child up for a lovely life.

As long as she’s hitting milestones, is socializing (friends, family), and is safe, I don’t think you have to worry about how they parent. Bullying happens mostly in school!!

Lots of people don’t do nursery and homeschool isn’t exactly “isolated and culty” either, depending on how kids socialize otherwise. Babywearing is super common. Childcare is optional!

She’s simply parenting differently than you. you prob both do a great job.

Maybe you can learn a thing or two from her? Keep an open mind!

Your concern and worry comes across really badly just on this thread, I wonder what your husbands relatives think of your judgements and conventionally.

Both parents are choosing to raise their kid how they want, not at all eccentric.

Our 5 and 2 year old have never had sleepovers. Why do you care so much about that? They will when are older with friends but i dont see it as necessary for us right now.

As for being vegan, lots of kids have different diets and dont get bullied for it. DD5 has a muslim friend, a nut free friend and a gluten free friend. We cater appropriately when they come but its not a big deal really.

Her child isn't missing out by not having sleepovers and going to the zoo and being home schooled by a very involved parent.

She kept her in the sling as a baby because she didn't want people taking her baby off her and passing her around and that's where baby was comfortable. It's also easy to walk around with babies in a sling. No big deal.

You say you're not, but you're coming across as extremely judgemental of her parenting choices despite her 3 year old being well mannered and not being on screens. You sound like you've got rigid parenting views without being exposed to much diversity in parenting approaches. This isn't eccentric at all.

We aren’t even allowed to take her over night and we have accepted that as ours are older and boisterous but when asked about sleepovers with friends she said she doesn’t see that happening. So how is she going to learn any life skills?

You sure as shit don't learn life skills at sleepovers...

A someone who was SA as a child by a friends older brother, I don't think I'll be allowing my DD4 to go to any sleepovers until she is MUCH older.

She has only slept at GP house once too, they are pushing for more, but we don't see the need for it in fairness.

She’s probably approaching it the way she did with her career.

More parents should screen the things they expose their children too. Just recently someone was on here saying their kid ended up reading violent porn books because they had unfiltered kindle library access

she will likely ease off once she feels she has instilled a good sense of self and values into her DD.

I had earthy parents who did similar. Having a self assured child who can think, understand and ask questions before the ingest the plethora of media and experiences in the world is a good thing

Judgement dressed up as faux concern.

I do inwardly roll my eyes when someone tells me about a parent they know deciding to home educate. But the key word is “inwardly” because it ain’t my business to judge.

Plenty of parents don’t allow sleepovers. Safeguarding concerns. Or perhaps they just don’t want/trust other people to manage their child the way they want. Restrictive? Yeah a bit. But hardly a big deal. And certainly not eccentric.

Vegan? Meh. Who cares. What’s that got to do with her lack of socialising?!

I think you’re well and truly judging her parenting values because they’re different to your own. I don’t think anyone is fooled by your “concern”. You can say “i’m not judging” all you like, but saying it doesn’t make it true.

Who laughs about it now? Your SIL? Or are you laughing at her? IMHO it will likely be your SIL who has the last laugh with the choices she is making. Mine are grown now and I wish I was more enlightened and made many of the choices your SIL is making regarding safeguarding, attachment, diet, ethics, exercise etc.

Sleepover put your DC at risk of CSA, neglect and stress. I would pic my DCs up from my childless sister the next day where she had fed them shit and let them stay up til midnight - unsurprisingly I then had the Sunday from hell.

My DD has just met a new friend at Uni who told her that she stayed for a sleepover at one of our neighbours house when she was in primary and was so scared because the Mum was shitfaced.

My DCs have only recently told me about hearing my sister and her husband drunk rowing downstairs about who had finished off the last of the cocaine. They also had their own kids in the house. We had no idea.

And the problem with any of that is??

The way she wants to bring her child up is a bit different but I don't see any problems.

My children didn't go to nursery and they didn't do sleepovers, nor did we ever have a babysitter apart from my parents. And there is no way they would have had screens to play with at 3 years old, they didn't have them until they were about 12.
Don't worry about your niece I'm sure she will have a wonderful childhood.