Modern life doesn’t work

[DeluluTaylor]

I say this reading thread after thread of people trying to work around nigh impossible situations.
I am sitting here with chronic IBS from stress, trying to get the kids out of the door, to a school which can’t meet their need, to go to a job where I’m firefighting as nothing is fit for purpose anymore. Finding care homes for younger and younger people. People who want to work but can’t as they have learning disabilities. Yet in the 20th century an estimated 40-70% of people with LD were employed.
I have 38p in my bank account and all my money goes on paying for a big house that we’re in from 6.30pm 7 the next morning, with a huge garden which none of us have time to do anything in. That I sit in on my own when the kids go to see their father in a bedsit at weekends. Yet there are families down the road with three kids and two parents in one room.

The whole thing is crazy. If you were going to arrive here from another planet and looked at late stage capitalism you would say why do you live like this? Getting in debt to spend two weeks abroad rather than making changes to make the other 50 weeks off the year more bearable.

I know this won't be a popular opinion, but sometimes I wish we could go back to a time where mothers stayed at home with the children until they are old enough for school, without feeling the pressure to have a career and kids and earn enough to be able to buy everything they are being tempted with all over social media. A time when women would be genuinely proud of 'keeping house', cooking and baking, gardening and other stuff around the home. I would guess that the majority of women who were able to do this were content with the slower pace of life. I know I was never desperate to have a high-flying career but maybe I am old-fashioned!

YANBU.
My life is different from what you describe,
but I would be more than happy to jump off this planet, if it stopped. Funnily enough, just thought about that when waking up.
No depression or "bad thoughts", just basically mulling over what you said in your OP.

I do think there are lots of issues with how society functions and it is unsustainable. However what you have posted doesn't reflect my life at all

I agree. Late stage capitalism is a kind of Hell. Children and actually everyone’s life is more important than this (including the natural world). Tax the mega rich? Would be a start.

I think people should think very carefully before having children, unplanned, no budget, no thought, seems to be the norm

Whats this based on? loads of people aren’t having dc and haven’t for years.

yes !, I think this was the case for my parents and definitely how I was raising mine

Reliant on the husband for money. No fiscal independence. Few rights, lower pension.
Wouldn't be for me.

I literally said we shouldn't benchmark ourselves with Kenya. My point is though that are comparable place in the world order isn't guaranteed. Some countries are on the rise and their standard of living is rising too whilst others are in decline. We, like many of our European neighbours e.g. France and Germany, are in decline at the moment. We therefore can expect living standards to decline accordingly unless we can do something about the economy.

A fall in standard of living literally means that you pay more for less. Of course it feels crap but that's what you get when you have a stagnant economy. This is the reality we find ourselves in and it can and will get worse unless something changes. I don't think any political party has the golden bullet but I don't know why you think someone voting Reform is facing reality any less than someone voting Labour or Conservative. I think the current government has a lot of anti growth policies and are causing people like OP to question their life choices regarding working so hard when they are constantly handing out money to those that don't work. It isn't exactly helpful in a productivity crisis is it?

There is a lot of pressure but you don't have to have holidays abroad, live in a big house, look perfect, own a massive SUV, work full time... If you're willing to make 'sacrifices' (which aren't really much of a loss) and go your own way, life can be less stressful. But we're up against all sorts of pressure to spend more, own more, do more, work harder etc and it can be almost impossible to resist.

Kouklamo, I agree. 200 years ago, farmer workers weren't working 10 hours a day, they were working 16 hours a day. 5 year old boys were climbing up hot chimneys to clean out the soot. 20 was middle aged. Poverty was 6 people living in one room,no sanitation, disease was rife. My DH was born in 1957, hardly the dark age,he shared a double bed with his late father and brother,a bed, not a bedroom!!

I think it's possible to downsize your life, although not palatable for many, because it's all about "more".
We live in a modest house because we wanted to have a lower mortgage and pay it off sooner.
I think many people max themselves out and it's got to be stressful.

You can get that through hobbies. I do a lot of creative hobbies whereby I do get that sense of satisfaction of making something. Because I think you're right in saying we do need it. That said of course, it is having the time to do those hobbies! I only can now because my DC are grown up and I wfh so have more time.

I do think the push for everyone to own their own homes and linked to that the hideous rental market, is one of the big problems. In countries where renting is the norm, and therefore cheaper and more stable, people are happier and have more of a life. My grandparents were from mainland Europe. They rented the same flat from when they married in their mid 20s to when they died in their mid 80s. My grandad did spend some time in a care home but they had some sort of insurance they'd paid into that covered that. They were quite well off financially. They also worked very near to where they lived (my gran worked part time), so would be home by 5:10 every day (they also used to have lunch at home every day!). Now a lot of people have long commutes, which has become the accepted norm. When I last worked in an office, I'd be out for 11+ hours a day which is just too much. I had no life.

I don't know what the answer is though as we've all just accepted that this is how things are. Personally I stepped back down the career ladder to ease the pressure, but I could afford to do it and had the opportunity to do so. I could be out earning more but it just isn't worth it to me.

Not RTFT and will probably get flamed for my responses but I completely agree and more, OP.

It shouldn't be the norm that babies are placed in nurseries full time sometimes from being under 1. No judgement for those that do by choice but it shouldn't be the norm through lack of choice. In many cases, by far the best thing for children under school age is to be home with a parent, just as it used to be. It also shouldn't be the norm that children as young as 4 are in preschool care from 7:30am then school then after-school care up to 6pm. It's my opinion that 4 is far too young for full time school anyway.

Modern society is a grim treadmill where families are routinely forced to have two working parents, too often doing jobs they see no real meaning in other than financial reward to keep their family afloat, and everyone is spread far too thinly. For too many families, it becomes a vicious cycle where there is no way out. The amount of times I've seen posters castigated on here for not working - we should be seeing families as households where if one adult is working, that should be adequate. Families should be able to survive with one working parent (or two part time perhaps) to enable the family to be prioritised.

Capitalism has broken communities. The supermarket decimated the corner shop and the suburban mini high street, where local people would shop and see each other regularly, and adult (yes, usually mum) was home with young children, building strong relationships and support networks with other mums. Roles were clear and delineated. I don't advocate for a return to a lack of choice for women - I would advocate for the ability for women (and men) to choose to return to a more traditional set up, no matter how this is structured in terms of gender. Now, you have to have an adult in the household earning a significant amount to be able to access a life where one adult can be at home raising children, being there at the start and end of the school day, maintaining the home so that weekends and evenings can be relaxed and free for family time and hobbies etc.

I believe that a different way of life is possible but in many cases, it means a different approach and in many cases, accepting sacrifice to standard of living by reducing spending, eating differently (more time for cheaper home-cooked meals if someone isn't working), forgoing expensive holidays and doing things more cheaply. It's a different topic really but home education (even if not for the full school age period) is also a wonderful option for those who feel their children have been shoved onto life's treadmill too early and would prefer a more home-based existence. I realise this isn't possible for everyone and that it's not the right choice for everyone either. Essentially, there should be room for choice - have two working parents and put the children into childcare from a young age or choose to have a parent at home with them or some combination of the two, whatever works best for your family, but families should be able to choose, especially during the 0-5 years but also beyond.

But years ago, people went without rather than get into debt. My parents sat on an old sofa they’d been given when they first bought a house. They drove a rusty old banger that was cheap to buy and run. Their holidays were going to stay with friends a few hours away, not expecting an abroad holiday every year. People want everything instantly nowadays- new TV, furnished house, new cars, foreign holidays…
Babies wore knitted clothes rather than shop bought items that were expensive, meals out were a once a year thing…

I think people now want too much instantly.

Not completely uncommon! You're right about standards and expectations though.
Me and my siblings were born in the 60s and we had a bath and hair wash once a week. I shared a bedroom with my two sisters until I left home. Seven of us in the family, one bathroom.
I think there's always a tendency to think that the past was easier or better.

I don’t think it’s late stage capitalism, I think it’s a consequence of spiralling government spending which leads to squeezing people more and more. We have too much debt as a country so your taxes on everything are high. We don’t build enough housing to cope with our expansive immigration policies either. Something like 40-60 of petrol cost is literally just tax. Supermarkets making very low margins,

Also downsize and get a more manageable home.

Talking to people, building a washing machine, fixing a car, lots more

I don't think we should tie gender progress into economic progress. Why on earth should saying 'this isn't working' mean women can't have a career, use contraception, or divorce their husbands? Progress means finding new ways, not going backwards!

@Pricelessadvice good points. There always used to be a "saving up" mentality. People saved for holidays or what they wanted, because they couldn't get credit. It's now become part of the common culture - instant gratification. You get whatever you want.

You mean money from the tax payer, who isn’t working the minimum needed and whose taxes pay for you to work the minimum. Which is part of the problem, a loss of productivity caused by people making a choice to work fewer hours subsidised by taxpayers.

Exactly

Holidaying in the UK is sadly quite (too!) expensive though.

But we evolved to live like that didnt we? We didnt evolve to be very separate, in our little separate houses and rooms.

We are pack animals, social animals.

@TheaBrandt1 that's a sweeping statement! I know many members of the GRT community who pay tax, work (ooh, some in the NHS and education even!) and participate fully in the life of the country.

To give an insight into charity workers - our wages are probably about 30% lower than the equivalent private sector roles - I recently saw how inadequate our pay is for many of us when reading the union's pay demand document.

I can afford to work there because I rely financially on my private sector-employed partner and I have a side hustle.

There is quote after quote from people who are buying the bare minimum of consumer goods and not going on holiday but are having to take second jobs, use credit cards to keep on top of bills, and even use food banks. Lots are regretfully thinking about quitting.
These are highly qualified, experienced professionals (engineers and so on).

It left me feeling that charities will have to shut down if they can't find anyone willing to work for them.