To want to pull DS out of nursery even though we can’t afford it at all

[TimidThunder]

am sorry if this is all over the place I am dyslexic and really upset typing this but I need some honest opinions because I feel like nobody is taking me seriously

I was 24 when I gave birth to my youngest, my boyfriend was 21, we also have a 9 year old which I feel adds to the judgement, my youngest will be 3 in April, he was born 6 weeks early during a traumatic birth and had a traumatic time in the NICU, then he got meningitis as a baby and nearly died which was honestly the worst time of my life, since then he has hearing loss in one ear and needs a hearing aid but he just will not tolerate it, he screams and pulls it out straight away, he is nearly 3 and barely talks at all, just noises and pointing, and he hardly eats

I work full time in retail, my boyfriend doesnt work, he finished uni last summer and has not been able to find a job, money is really really tight, like counting pennies tight, my son started nursery in September and Ive had so many issues that I dont even know if I am overreacting anymore or if this is genuinely not ok

Some of the nursery issues are

• another child pushed him outside and he smacked his head on the floor, he came home with a big bump and they said it was just one of those things
• they put him in nappies that I do not provide even though Ive explained he gets awful rashes, he comes home red and sore
• today my boyfriend picked him up, we live a very short walk away, minutes not miles, and his nappy was filthy, normally its mushy and this didnt look fresh at all, it was obvious it had been there longer than the walk home, nursery said he was changed before pick up but there is just no way
• a few times he has come home in soaking wet clothes, including in photos they send on the app, it looked like his nappy had leaked and not been changed, they denied this and said he had been playing with water
• his face is often really red at pick up like he has been sobbing recently, but they always say he has been happy, playing and had a good day
• he doesnt eat most days at lunch, I know its not ideal but I provide formula so he can have something in his tummy if he refuses food, nursery say they dont do bottles in the room he is in so he just goes without
• communication in general feels really defensive, like Im being awkward for asking questions

Because of his hearing loss he misses things, he doesnt always respond, he cant tell me if something is wrong, I worry he is being ignored because he is quiet and doesnt kick off, every time I raise concerns I feel fobbed off, by nursery, by health visitors, by GP, like Im a young mum being anxious and dramatic

I am honestly tempted to pull him out of nursery but financially that is terrifying, if I pull him out my boyfriend cant get a job because someone needs to have him, or if my boyfriend does get a job I will probably have to quit because his job would be better paid than retail, we cant afford either option but I also feel sick sending him in

I feel judged all the time for being young parents and already having a 9 year old, like people assume we dont know what we are doing, I just want to protect my child and I feel like I am failing him whatever I do

Am I being unreasonable to think this nursery is not good enough for him or am I letting anxiety and guilt take over, I genuinely dont know anymore and I am exhausted

Is there not another nursery to move him to?

Have you discussed all this with the nursery, and not had responses you're satisfied with? If it were me I'd move him as it sounds like you just don't think it's a good fit for him, and the nappy rashes are concerning if they are ignoring a sensitivity you've already raised. A childminder could be a better and possibly cheaper option, and the ratio may be better and so he'd get a bit more care and attention. Most child minders accept the funded hours x

Look at another nursery or a child minder.

A different nursery or a childminder would be the best idea. It does not sound good at the moment.

The nursery sounds awful. Is it a chain ?

look at cm. A home from home and your 3yr prob be happier there

What about a childminder op? Usually cheaper than a nursery and much smaller groups of children. Have the hospital given you support for him to keep the hearing aid in? It must be a common problem.

The nursery sounds awful.

If your partner isn't likely to get a job imminently then pull your son out until his dad gets a job then look at the alternatives based on your combined income.

I'd also take notes of all incidents including pictures where appropriate and then I'd complain like mad. To the nursery to whoever owns the nursery, if it's the council then complain to them to and also to whoever inspects the nursery.

I'm genuinely not a complainer but the lack of care given to your wee one is indefensible.

Some of this is typical nursery stuff (kids do push, they do get wet) and some of it is not. It's strange that they ask you to send nappies but don't use yours. I wouldn't worry too much about the food. If you give him a good breakfast and he gets a good dinner, he'll make up the calories. I think they nursery are within their rights to say no bottles.

I agree with everyone above that the choice isn't this nursery or no childcare. There will be other options.

Also, I think you should apply for an EHCP on the grounds of his hearing loss and speech delay. You can do this; you don't need the nursery to do it on your behalf. But it's easier if he's in a setting, so don't pull him out.

I would be looking for another setting, this one isn’t working for you

Your intuition as a mum is bang on, stuff your ages at the times you had your kids, not relevant in any way and you should be listened to as your child's parent. Balls to anyone who disagrees based on your ages.
It sounds to me as though you're absolutely right to be concerned. Had these things happened once/twice and you'd discussed, seen improvements absolutely fine but it does not sound as though things are improving despite you raising concerns. I'd try to find a recommended childminder in a home setting with fewer children so he can get some more attention.
My 2 kids (4 and 5) both attended a childminder and a preschool, and the preschool only for friendships ready for primary school. The childminder setting is a lot closer to how home is, and I can say, I do have an amazing childminder, that they definitely receive more hands on care with her than the preschool, and they are genuinely loved. Wishing you luck ♥️

Please take him out of the nursery... it sounds awful... my 3 yr old gds attends nursery and it's wonderful and nothing like yours.
Find a better one or child minder.
Don't worry that you're a young mum, you know what you're doing.

Good luck.

I've spoken to them on a few occasions about the nappies and milk especially. He can only have one bra@nd but he often comes out in a cheaper brand, we obviously don't know until we next change him and they give him an awful rash that takes a while to clean up (as it keeps happening) and he's so uncomfortable.
We've been told by the hospital to keep trying the hearing aid and build it up over time but he hates it

The issue is boyfriend usually takes him and drops him off as I take my eldest to school, and he hates confrontation so he doesn't speak to them. We gave them to benefit of the doubt about coming home in a dirty nappy as it happened a few weeks ago too, but they say they always change them being pickup so we thought it had happened on the way home but it clearly hadnt today.

I think most the local childminders are booked, it is a chain nursery and we thought it was good as it was really close by but now I feel guilty. He seems to have gotten more clingy too since starting but I don't know if it's a coincidence.

My eldest didn't go go nursery until 3, which was attached to his primary school and while he did hate it and constantly cry for me, we didn't have any other issues and he soon settled in reception a year later. I don't want to wait a year with these issues though.

3 is old for a bottle. Have you tried to potty train him? I think if nursery is working then he ought to go - why don’t you try to reverse the drop offs for a bit if dads passive. With him not working he can mind his son - and then look for a new setting when he finds something. Perhaps he could take over some of the slack, do drop offs of your older child and spend time with his son at groups and the park etc. that would be my solution.

They sound awful. I agree with no bottles though, he's 3! He won't eat if he doesn't feel hungry and toddlers can be quite upset down with food, sometimes eating 5 adult portions and sometimes nothing. I wouldn't be giving him formula to replace food.

I would look for a childminder instead of a busy nursery settting. I am deaf in one ear and no longer wear my aid unless in very busy noisy places- the pub, big festivals etc. No one ever knows until I tell them but I'd imagine whilst he's learning to talk a quieter environment would be much easier for him.

I really wouldn't push the hearing aid, they can make the wrong thing noisy and as an adult you can turn them down when needed but I can imagine an over stimulated toddler hating it.

If he has one working ear then he will be OK and probably appreciate the aid in a couple of years. Other than locating sounds, on the day to day, it makes little difference to my life- I lost my hearing at 20 so well aware of the difference between 1 and 2 ears.

I wouldn’t push the hearing aid , I assume he has hearing in his other ear ? Our eldest has bilateral moderate to severe hearing loss diagnosed at 6 and he stopped wearing hearing aids at 11 and manages fine - he’s an expert self taught lip reader . Stop the bottles and formula , he’s nearly 3 and won’t be inclined to eat if he’s filling up on formula . I don’t think your age has anything to do with anything , 24 isn’t that young and I doubt anybody is judging you on that front .

Hiya op I would look into moving him, if he's nearly 3 he is nearly ready for a school nursery where they might be able to help more (some also take from 2 now), I've just moved my son to the school nursery and it isn't formal at all, lots of playing, but the staff are really amazing, so many have worked there for 15+ years they're so knowledgable.

I work in early years and I don't think any nursery would give formula at 3 (I could be wrong). I think all nurseries have a senco, have you spoken to them?

We only give the milk if he doesn't eat anything at all during a meal, so he doesn't go hungry. It's not ideal but he's small enough already and the diectition wasn't that helpful and said to give him calorie milkshakes but he won't have them either. Some days he eats fine but other days he barely eats, especially dinner as he's exhausted and overtired so if he doesn't eat anything at nursery and nothing for dinner, hell be waking up during the night and obviously vbe starving

We havent tried potty training. He shows 0 signs and hes only 2.

I'd move him somewhere nicer

his face is often really red at pick up like he has been sobbing recently, but they always say he has been happy, playing and had a good day

Trust your instincts. Sounds like they're lying.

Pull him out, your partner continues to look for a job while you both look for a better placemeny gor your son. I wouldnt send him back.

I would put the nappy issue and milk in writing both paper and email and tell them verbally either in person or over the phone and make a note of who you spoke to. Ask for a confirmation email. Will he take the milk out of something other than a baby bottle? If that’s their issue.
the rest of it sounds fairly normal for a nursery setting. We would put waterproof aprons on the children for water play but they only went so far ! The kids would usually have wet legs afterwards , any really wet child would be changed though. Being pushed over is indeed one of those things, he will or maybe has already launched another child either accidentally or deliberately, it happens with toddlers, and will happen again.
are you working on sign language? Don’t forget this is peak sickness cold and flu season, he is possible feeling under par?
You sound understandably very stressed, you must be running on adrenaline atm probably always in flight or fight mode, things will undoubtedly get better for you all. I’m a fellow teen mum, there are plenty of us, remember some/ most/ all of the judgement will be in your head. Your 24 now, shake off the Feeling that you have to prove yourself, you’ve already done that. Remind yourself of the things you are doing well, you have a home, you have 2 children, a job, a partner who it sounds like has a plan and a drive to find a job . You are a concerned an engaged mum, you are actually doing well and holding it all together even though it may feel like you’re drowning. Your bf will get a job, your son will settle , he will talk eventually, but of course he will take longer, your financial situation will improve. Things will honestly get better, this is temporary. Spend less time overthinking and spiralling and more time in the moment ,if you can. you are doing everything you can and it actually sounds like you are doing a cracking job. 💐

There were paragraphs on my phone!

But if he were hungry, he would eat.

Couldnt he have a special milk cup rather than a bottle?

Sorry just to say, I have moved my son recently and he's much happier so it does work out sometimes, I just think you'll face the eating / milk issue anywhere.

He really wouldnt and doesnt. He's obviously hungry when he hasnt eaten any lunch and hasnt eaten since snacktime at nursery but he refuses dinner because hes overtired then takes ages to sleep and is really unsettled all night and disturbs my eldest as they share a room. Again them sharing isnt ideal but ds sleeps through any other time so its not a every night thing

He drinks water and juice out of a normal cup but he refuses to for the milk, he also refuses normal milk

I dont know if I will trust another nursery for him especially because he cant talk and tell us