To want to pull DS out of nursery even though we can’t afford it at all

[TimidThunder]

am sorry if this is all over the place I am dyslexic and really upset typing this but I need some honest opinions because I feel like nobody is taking me seriously

I was 24 when I gave birth to my youngest, my boyfriend was 21, we also have a 9 year old which I feel adds to the judgement, my youngest will be 3 in April, he was born 6 weeks early during a traumatic birth and had a traumatic time in the NICU, then he got meningitis as a baby and nearly died which was honestly the worst time of my life, since then he has hearing loss in one ear and needs a hearing aid but he just will not tolerate it, he screams and pulls it out straight away, he is nearly 3 and barely talks at all, just noises and pointing, and he hardly eats

I work full time in retail, my boyfriend doesnt work, he finished uni last summer and has not been able to find a job, money is really really tight, like counting pennies tight, my son started nursery in September and Ive had so many issues that I dont even know if I am overreacting anymore or if this is genuinely not ok

Some of the nursery issues are

• another child pushed him outside and he smacked his head on the floor, he came home with a big bump and they said it was just one of those things
• they put him in nappies that I do not provide even though Ive explained he gets awful rashes, he comes home red and sore
• today my boyfriend picked him up, we live a very short walk away, minutes not miles, and his nappy was filthy, normally its mushy and this didnt look fresh at all, it was obvious it had been there longer than the walk home, nursery said he was changed before pick up but there is just no way
• a few times he has come home in soaking wet clothes, including in photos they send on the app, it looked like his nappy had leaked and not been changed, they denied this and said he had been playing with water
• his face is often really red at pick up like he has been sobbing recently, but they always say he has been happy, playing and had a good day
• he doesnt eat most days at lunch, I know its not ideal but I provide formula so he can have something in his tummy if he refuses food, nursery say they dont do bottles in the room he is in so he just goes without
• communication in general feels really defensive, like Im being awkward for asking questions

Because of his hearing loss he misses things, he doesnt always respond, he cant tell me if something is wrong, I worry he is being ignored because he is quiet and doesnt kick off, every time I raise concerns I feel fobbed off, by nursery, by health visitors, by GP, like Im a young mum being anxious and dramatic

I am honestly tempted to pull him out of nursery but financially that is terrifying, if I pull him out my boyfriend cant get a job because someone needs to have him, or if my boyfriend does get a job I will probably have to quit because his job would be better paid than retail, we cant afford either option but I also feel sick sending him in

I feel judged all the time for being young parents and already having a 9 year old, like people assume we dont know what we are doing, I just want to protect my child and I feel like I am failing him whatever I do

Am I being unreasonable to think this nursery is not good enough for him or am I letting anxiety and guilt take over, I genuinely dont know anymore and I am exhausted

I would take him out and his dad can look after him. He could take him to lots of groups at children's centres/ family hubs. Get back in touch with your HV about the hearing loss and eating. 3:is too old for a bottle, he may like it for comfort but if he's drinking juice out of a cup he can drink milk out of a cup. I would resist giving him milk because it fills up tummies very quickly and you need to tempt him with food.

I totally get that, he just doesn't see it that way, he's not hard any other experience for a job apart from kfc so he will need to work his way up to what he wants to do but he doesnt think he should. He thinks if should get X job because he has a degree but theres very little of x job. He thinks if he started something and found a better job a month or so later it won't look good seeing as he'd have only been there for a month before quitting

We did keep DS off today as he had a fever and he has looked after him today and does when hes off ill at other times so its not like he does nothing. And he has eldest if it's an inset day or something etc

He’s almost 3. The bottles need to stop. Buy a different cup for milk - my 14 month old grandson only drinks milk from his see through cup that has a spout but is fine with water in a solid cup for some reason. Your DS also doesn’t need formula - it’s a marketing ploy to get parents to spend money! Try him with oat milk if he doesn’t like cows milk.
My DGS also has cheap nappies from Aldi or Lidl and has absolutely no issues with nappy rash. Are you sure your DP is checking his nappy as soon as he comes home from nursery? Surely if he’s got a soiled nappy at pick up you’d be able to smell it?
It’s concerning that your DP isn’t in work - he needs to get a job, any job, and pay his way!

I don't think this little boy should be assessed against your grandson. Op has listed a lot of health issues and development concerns in her child's history.

You sound about a decade ahead of your boyfriend in terms of maturity. He doesn’t sound good enough for you at all.

On the snack front - with a tired and hungry child it’s tactics. That might be finding a bench to sit on for it so less likely to drop it. Handing over one single crisp at a time. Taking a plate to put it on etc.

Similar for drink. A spill proof bottle or cup.

For the hearing aide tolerance building. Nursery should be part of this. Your health visitor should be able to support with a joined up plan between them and home. That might be 5 minutes a morning and 5 minutes an afternoon to begin with.

if he wants to start his own business, then just do it. It’s literally the point of your own business, you have to do it. Someone else doesn’t do it for you.

Move him to a different setting?

If he is not eating he is not settled. Trust your gut. Can he be at home with your DP and go to activities, playgroups instead?

If he is deaf or quite hard of hearing he needs hearing aids. This is coming from someone who couldn't talk properly until she was 10 but would have done with hearing aids. Even now without them in life is much harder. It will not help him speak if he can't hear.

Plenty working in those places have degrees. He needs to not be snobby.

If he can join a School nursery in September I would pull him out and keep him at home.

People who think jobs are beneath them are missing a few points especially when they have families to support . A job can give you skills dealing with people , confidence and showing your ideal job employer that you have a work ethic if you are in work. Also he can be gaining skills saving money towards investment in his own company one day.

On top of the issues at nursery, you have a massive DP problem. What a wet blanket. Won’t get a job that’s beneath him even though his family need the money. How if he going to run his own business when he can’t even speak to the nursery? Sounds absolutely pathetic.
I assume the nursery hours are free? Look into other nurseries tonight. He’s not going to do it, so take charge and get shit done.

DS has only been able to have one brand of nappies ever since he was a baby, it isn't a new things. They give him rashes and also leak.

We don't give him a bottle with every meal, just after if he hasn't eaten anything. His eating is better than what it was, he eats breakfast fine but it has to be porridge or weetabix and we mash fruit into it to get fruit into him and he likes the flavours. Lunch is a big issue as he hates sandwiches. We try and give him the filling and bread on the side but he still doesnt eat it. But at the same time he refuses anything warm at lunch time, when he's home he usually picky food on a plate that's been out all afternoon and he goes back and forth picks at it but obviously he can't do that at nursery they have set lunchtime.

Dinner is hit and miss too, he much prefers snack type things than proper meals.

No ones ever mentioned autism to me, they just say its due to him being early and boys develop slower etc. My eldest was also quite a fussy eater and still is in a way so I just get told all kids are fussy etc

Bilateral hearing loss is very different to having issues in both ears. If one ear has perfect hearing then he'll be more comfortable without the aid and I can't see why it would delay his speech. He can hear all levels of speech with the one ear, it's not the same as a child missing certain pitches completely. He'll struggle in noisy environments with lots of overlapping sounds and with locating directions sound comes from. And aid will slightly improve the first issue but can make it worse if not correctly calibrated- and I'd imagine a 2yo isn't going to be upto to that.

If he only started in September then some of what you describe are just teething problems.

I'm very happy with my 3 year olds nursery but we've had wrong nappies, soiled nappy on pick up, head bumps, not eating etc. I think it's important to talk to the staff as there'll be lots ot different people caring for your child not just the one you speak to. Put the more important things in an email so it's taken seriously (the brand of nappies and the alternative food).

If he's got a dirty nappy on pick up, take him back in for them to change him, they'll start checking when they know your partner is on his way.
If the wrong brand of nappy ask if theres a reason he had the wrong type on and if they've ran out just to bring it to their attention, label them clearly too, if they know you're bothered they'll try harder.
If he's wet but can't tell them, they might just not have noticed, mention it to them or dress him in light grey so it's really obvious (I did that when potty training so they'd know when he had an accident).
For the formula, can you not suggest some alternative food for if he wont eat, my son is very picky so I asked for him to be given toast and fruit if he refused the other meal.
The head bump really is just one of those things and he could just be getting upset just before pickup. My son didn't really talk until he was 3 so I had to advocate for him especially at nursery as he couldn't communicate his needs. You or your partner need to communicate with the nursery :)

A child with a hearing loss in one ear will not get a place in a specialist hearing support unit.

However, the child should be eligible for support from a Qualified Teacher of the Deaf. Contact your local council to ask about QToD support (youll need a clinic letter from audiology) or, as mentioned above, contact the NDCS for advice.

The red face from crying at pick up is unacceptable. I'd pull him out and move him.

Do you think this is helpful? Also, same rules don’t apply for children who have additional needs - comfort is everything to them and transitions will take longer (eg moving from bottle and potty training)

I’m not one to encourage going no contact with parents, but I would seriously consider it if your mum is only directing criticism your way and not offering any emotional support -especially after everything you’ve been through and are currently dealing with.

I’d save the money and remove him and his dad can care for him until he gets a job. Once you know how much you’ll be earning between you, have a look for an alternative nursery or childminder. I’d trust your instincts, you’re his mum and know him best. It sounds to me like you’re really in tune with your little boy and you’re doing a great job. I’d work on him accepting cows milk in a beaker as a next step to removing formula, it takes time though. Hope you find a solution but they don’t sound very accommodating there. Does he cry when dropped off?

You sound like the best mum. Like others have said trust your instincts. If you feel comfortable ask the nursery directly about the nappies, changes, red face from crying, eating etc. They might have a reason or explanation (e.g. my child's nursery room was chaotic but when i raised concerns they already had new staff members stepping in to take over, no problems since). But given his hearing, a smaller quieter setting might suit him more. Even get on a waiting list for a childminder. Don't doubt yourself.

I think others suggesting your partner takes over the childcare for his son are spot on.

One of the priorities for a child is communication, your child already has a hearing loss, a busy noisy nursery with many staff is not going to be the best place for him to develop communication skills, you have started to use makaton but I bet they aren’t using it at nursery. It could be very supportive for his communication and speech development, and your partner as his carer could really support this as well as encouraging language and vocabulary development in a quieter and more focussed environment. Two is a vital age for speech and language development, it needs to be a priority.

The issues with the nappies would be resolved instantly.

Your partner would be able to ensure he was eating decent food during the day and encouraging better earning habits than bottles of formula milk.

there are activities your partner could take your son to to keep up social skills.

You need to be developing a confident, communicative child to cope with school eventually. Have you investigated what support is available locally for children with hearing loss, you and your partner need to be proactive, you are the people who will have to develop hard skins and determination to get your child the support he will need. Your partner can’t just say “ I don’t like confrontation” he needs to develop assertive skills to make sure your child isn’t overlooked.

Good points @viques