To want to pull DS out of nursery even though we can’t afford it at all

[TimidThunder]

am sorry if this is all over the place I am dyslexic and really upset typing this but I need some honest opinions because I feel like nobody is taking me seriously

I was 24 when I gave birth to my youngest, my boyfriend was 21, we also have a 9 year old which I feel adds to the judgement, my youngest will be 3 in April, he was born 6 weeks early during a traumatic birth and had a traumatic time in the NICU, then he got meningitis as a baby and nearly died which was honestly the worst time of my life, since then he has hearing loss in one ear and needs a hearing aid but he just will not tolerate it, he screams and pulls it out straight away, he is nearly 3 and barely talks at all, just noises and pointing, and he hardly eats

I work full time in retail, my boyfriend doesnt work, he finished uni last summer and has not been able to find a job, money is really really tight, like counting pennies tight, my son started nursery in September and Ive had so many issues that I dont even know if I am overreacting anymore or if this is genuinely not ok

Some of the nursery issues are

• another child pushed him outside and he smacked his head on the floor, he came home with a big bump and they said it was just one of those things
• they put him in nappies that I do not provide even though Ive explained he gets awful rashes, he comes home red and sore
• today my boyfriend picked him up, we live a very short walk away, minutes not miles, and his nappy was filthy, normally its mushy and this didnt look fresh at all, it was obvious it had been there longer than the walk home, nursery said he was changed before pick up but there is just no way
• a few times he has come home in soaking wet clothes, including in photos they send on the app, it looked like his nappy had leaked and not been changed, they denied this and said he had been playing with water
• his face is often really red at pick up like he has been sobbing recently, but they always say he has been happy, playing and had a good day
• he doesnt eat most days at lunch, I know its not ideal but I provide formula so he can have something in his tummy if he refuses food, nursery say they dont do bottles in the room he is in so he just goes without
• communication in general feels really defensive, like Im being awkward for asking questions

Because of his hearing loss he misses things, he doesnt always respond, he cant tell me if something is wrong, I worry he is being ignored because he is quiet and doesnt kick off, every time I raise concerns I feel fobbed off, by nursery, by health visitors, by GP, like Im a young mum being anxious and dramatic

I am honestly tempted to pull him out of nursery but financially that is terrifying, if I pull him out my boyfriend cant get a job because someone needs to have him, or if my boyfriend does get a job I will probably have to quit because his job would be better paid than retail, we cant afford either option but I also feel sick sending him in

I feel judged all the time for being young parents and already having a 9 year old, like people assume we dont know what we are doing, I just want to protect my child and I feel like I am failing him whatever I do

Am I being unreasonable to think this nursery is not good enough for him or am I letting anxiety and guilt take over, I genuinely dont know anymore and I am exhausted

Look for a childminder

I'd pull him out. I'll be honest, what is your partner doing? He won't raise these issues at the door - it's not a confrontation, it's a discussion. He'd rather his son is sore and uncomfortable rather than have a slightly awkward conversation.

Your DP is unemployed so he can look after your DS, work on potty training, get him eating, practice with his hearing aid. You'll save money at the very least.

Have you looked at nurseries attached to primary schools?

That might be good because it might kick start the SEND stuff early and the school will know what to do with regard getting additional support.

There’s no way you don’t need additional support. You are doing the right thing by pushing for more and it’s not being pushy or anxious or anything like that.

Have you contacted the National Deaf Children's Society for support, @TimidThunder ? Your child will be considered deaf. They can help with information and advice, signposting, meeting with other families in similar situations, BSL, etc.

So your boyfriend is at home all day, why can't he care for the child? Using formula and nappies at three years old, why?

Potty training isnt a priority right now, he's still only 2. He shows 0 signs and pushing him will backfire. Maybe in the summer months if he's ready by then but it doesnt seem important and I dont know why posters are focusing on that. 2 is a normal age to still not be ttrained.

How was his 2 yr check with the health visitor? Did you receive any referrals (as I think you should have been)?

Weve been trying with makaton for the past year inc my eldest and he does it sometimes but really inconsistently.

He was referred to a dedication at about 18 months due to not eating, they weren't that helpful but he has gotten slightly better since then but still not perfect and obviously some days he could be just not feeling great but without obvious symptoms we dont know.

Theres been no other referrals, we just get told he will get there in his own times and boys take longer. My eldest has a speech delay too and has ADHD (I dont know if it could be linked) but he did say some words by 3, he wasnt prem though. HV isn't really involved unless I call and it takes ages for them to get back to me.

They did want to refer him to some kind of physio as he seemed weak in his legs and was quite wobbly but that seems to have resolved itself now and his balance is much better, we haven't had an appointment through so I don't even know if the referral went in

Ask for a referral to paeds. Also SALT - in some areas you can self refer.

Request a meeting with the nursery. What outside agencies has the nursery approached for advice? Has DS had input from the ToD? What about the special sit teaching service &/or the Area SENCO? Are they in receipt of early years inclusion funding for him?

I would also request an EHCNA yourself using IPSEA’s model letter.

If you pull him out of nursery is the plan for his dad to care for him?

Op, I apologise if I missed something, but is this a school nursery, or a daycare style? I say this because staff expect children to be potty trained, and no bottles or dummies at 3. The odd accident is expected, but anything more excessive is beyond. If it is a daycare nursery that caters for this than that is different. Either way you need to look for a new nursery that can better cater for your son's needs, as it sounds distressing for all concerned.

Edited to say I have seen your update meaning he is currently in what I am assuming is a 2 year old placement? He'll be due to start nursery on the first intake after his 3rd birthday. It sounds like he may struggle and need to either wait a year, or go somewhere that can better cater for him.

My children are older now, but I had a prem baby with language delay and restricted diet (he has other issues too and hearing is fine though). If it was me I would pull him out of nursery, bring him home and really focus on his eating, speech and potty training. Yes 2 is fine for all these things to still now be urgent but children with your child’s sort of profile often need a bit more nurturing and take a bit longer to get there and it’s never going to be easier than right now with a parent home and up and out for school runs so the days start well to support that learning. Take a month to find a better kinder nursery. Dh can apply for jobs while really helping the baby in a way that will bond them both. Once dh finds his job (which if it’s grad may not start till later in the year anyway) you can decide what to do longer term. What I wouldn’t do is ignore all your worries and make yourself get on with it. Be bold with your life and choose your own path. If the age thing is still a problem just add a few years in your head to your age. How would anyone know?

You have a parent at home, i'd be getting his father to take care of him until he finds a job and you've found a better setting for your LO. His dad can build up his confidence, communication and enjoyment. It sounds really sad for him. He's deaf and needs all the necessary support he is entitled to. But you both also need to learn some ways to support him. I'm an old old mum but one of my mum friends is 24 and she is amazing, I would not see yourself as too young nor let anyone treat you as such

A few things sprang to mind reading your post. First off though, you’re not wrong for questioning the nursery about his care as it doesn’t sound great at all.

Is your boyfriend the father of both children? If yes, why isn’t he doing both the school and nursery run whilst not working? You shouldn’t be running yourself ragged working and sorting childcare issues out!

How long has he been out of work? If short term, I understand why you’ve stuck with nursery - but you mention being able to afford nursery which makes me question why you aren’t pulling him out of nursery to be looked after at home by his dad, at least whilst you look for an alternative setting.

The pushing incident sounds normal for that age group, so I wouldn’t give that any headspace. Bottle of milk I’m with the nursery on that. If they offer an alternative of milk, he WILL refuse to eat in favour of the bottle of milk he knows is coming. The idea of weaning is to stop their dependence on the bottle. So stop offering it. Or at least get it into a non baby bottle and only offer it at home (eg as part of the bedtime routine, or in a cup with breakfast). the nursery also has to consider storing it correctly, or making it up fresh for him which they will not have time to do.

The dirty nappy when they got home. Surely if it were dirty before they left, the stench would have given it away? So maybe it really did happen on the way home. The wet trousers could well have been wet play so I’d reserve judgement on that one unless you have evidence it’s urine.

The wrong nappy - have you provided the right nappies and they definitely hadn’t run out when he came home in the wrong one? Is there another child with the same first name that the staff could be mixing up the pack of nappies in the changing room? Is your packet correctly labelled? What did the nursery say when you asked about how it happened? If you haven’t asked, why not?

Re the nappy rash, have you also provided a barrier cream for them to use? If not, it might be worth doing that as with one child you can get to them quickly when they need changing - with multiple it may not be possible to change them fast enough. I remember one of my kids could sit for a while in a wet nappy with no issues (didn’t cry, didn’t get a rash, just carried on playing etc so we didn’t always know it needed changing) but my youngest if you didn’t change it within a couple of minutes he would get sore. So it could be your son has really sensitive skin.

I’m not sure why you are worrying about stigma and judgement. It sounds like you are now 26/26 years old & your BF is 23/24? You are no longer the 15 & 12 year olds who had a baby - no-one is going to bat an eyelid to a mid 20’s couple with a baby! I think it’s all in your head from first time round.

Ultimatrly, if you aren’t happy with the level of care, pull your son out and look for an alternative setting.

I’m not understanding the can’t afford it bit.

you are currently paying for nursery whilst his dad is at home unemployed?

if his dad looks after him —like all mums would have had to do in the first place whilst job hunting— then surely you save whatever you’re spending on nursery?

you may also need to face the reality of what kind of jobs he will be capable of - because the facts you’ve told us - nothing at all for 6 months despite being able to search all day every day, coupled with the fact he can’t hold a conversation with another adult - I’m not sure how likely a job is.

You need to get the referrals in place for paeds and salt, he obviously needs help and likely needs an echp for school in 2 years time so starting early is key. Bottles are not normal past 1/18mos during the day so i completely understand where they are coming from, cows milk from a cup is normal for a 2 year old. As for the nappies, do you provide them? If not do you have any letter from a medical professional stating his allergy? Without that they would not be obliged to provide a different brand, but it sounds to me it’s less about the brand and more likely the rash is due to not changing him often enough. The nursery also needs training in hearing losd

How old was boyfriend when you had the 9 year old? Because by my calculations he’d have been 14 and you 17 😬

I can't comment on most - but the hearing loss I can. My child (17 now) is completely deaf in one ear and has about 90% loss in the good ear now, she has always had an aid from the age of 3. She hated it, it was all new and everything was loud and she just wansnt use to how clear and loud everything was.
Back then it was basic, and hard to adjust, now tho you can use your phone to adjust everything.
I'd recommend having it set low, let him build up to a level that he needs/suits him. Don't try and have it in constantly, just keep trying. Eventually it gets better.

Make sure he gets involved in picking his mould, the minute we could pick colours, little decals to go in, glitter it was easier to put in.
With the nursery you NEED to be on it, fighting his corner, he has a disability and he needs extra help, they need to make sure he hears everything and understands it.

We found pre school not as bad as primary school - that was a constant battle.

Speak to your audiology consultant and see what they can suggest... We had a very supportive doctor who went above and beyond to help. They can write letters to HV, GPS, the staff at his nursery.

We also had a hearing support worker who even at he age of 3 would visit pre school and make sure the staff were on it, making sure my child was always at the front, making sure they were on the right side.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

It's a long hard battle, but you have to take his on for his sake, you know him best! You've got this!

Hes in a daycare type nursery, his birthday isn't until the end of April so what I'm understanding is he cant start a school one until the next term which is September as he will have missed the start of summer term? Or can they join anytime?

Yes, the plan would be for bf to have him but if he found a job id have to quit mine, we only put him in nursery as i’d gone FT and bf had finished uni in the summer. He didn't have a job prior to that as he was studying, ds was a baby, and part time work at kfc was too much especially because hed be working late so he was exhausted like all the time and he wasnt going to quit uni obviously.

We were judged for having another baby even by his mum, when I found out I was pregnant he'd just started uni like a month or 2 before and she accused me of trapping him etc, she did help with childcare but since he graduated its been very much “youre on your own” it was just so he could continue studying

Hes not my eldests dad but we've been together since he was 4, he does help with the school run too but obviously neither of us can be in 2 places at once and they're both in opposite directions so it's not like we can drop youngest at nursery on the way to the bus stop for example

We did give them the benefit of the doubt the first time he came home with a dirty nappy but it happened yesterday and didn't seem fresh as if he done it on the way home. He was changed as soon as he was home too.

We do provide the nappies and its been on more than one occasion with the cheap ones, they say they'll keep it in mind but then it happens again and again

I’d find a new nursery or childminder OP.

If your partner refuses to communicate with nursery (he really needs to speak up) then try a contact book, you can write down anything you need to communicate, ie . Little Tony hasn’t eaten well this morning please can he be offered snacks before lunch. They can also write down key points about his day.

But I’d probably go with another nursery or childminder, you’ll find a setting better for you.

Can your partner not take an evening job or PT job whilst kids are at school and nursery to take off some of the financial pressure from you?

You sound like a good mum, who is working and providing for her family, don’t worry about what they think of you being a young mum! Age does not determine what kind of a parent you are.

This.

Remove him from this nursery which sounds far from ideal, and he stays at home with his dad for a few months.

In the meantime start looking for alternative nurseries or childminders, go on lots of visits, read Ofsted reports and talk to parents locally about where their kids go. Have a couple of options lined up to contact for when your partner finds a job.

It's ridiculous you are still sending him to a place you've got so many concerns about when there is a parent at home who can care for him full time starting immediately.

Ok, apologies for my last post then because it sounded like he was the dad which would have been disturbing given the age gap between you. But people shouldn’t be judging you now and I think you should trust your instincts.

Why didn’t he go back to kfc once he’d finished uni and his son was in nursery anyway? Look for work around a few shifts.

not what you’ve asked so the point I’m trying to make is it doesn’t sound like this bloke has any intention whatsoever of getting a job.

your child is in a terrible nursery, and his father is sat at home doing nothing. Take him out today.

Change nursery or can your partner have him while he isnt working? Poor little chap, sounds like he needs some support that they aren't giving him

That’s better than the 12 and 15 I had based on the ages mentioned in the post. I realise now that was 3 years ago when the eldest would have been 6 not 9!