To want to pull DS out of nursery even though we can’t afford it at all

[TimidThunder]

am sorry if this is all over the place I am dyslexic and really upset typing this but I need some honest opinions because I feel like nobody is taking me seriously

I was 24 when I gave birth to my youngest, my boyfriend was 21, we also have a 9 year old which I feel adds to the judgement, my youngest will be 3 in April, he was born 6 weeks early during a traumatic birth and had a traumatic time in the NICU, then he got meningitis as a baby and nearly died which was honestly the worst time of my life, since then he has hearing loss in one ear and needs a hearing aid but he just will not tolerate it, he screams and pulls it out straight away, he is nearly 3 and barely talks at all, just noises and pointing, and he hardly eats

I work full time in retail, my boyfriend doesnt work, he finished uni last summer and has not been able to find a job, money is really really tight, like counting pennies tight, my son started nursery in September and Ive had so many issues that I dont even know if I am overreacting anymore or if this is genuinely not ok

Some of the nursery issues are

• another child pushed him outside and he smacked his head on the floor, he came home with a big bump and they said it was just one of those things
• they put him in nappies that I do not provide even though Ive explained he gets awful rashes, he comes home red and sore
• today my boyfriend picked him up, we live a very short walk away, minutes not miles, and his nappy was filthy, normally its mushy and this didnt look fresh at all, it was obvious it had been there longer than the walk home, nursery said he was changed before pick up but there is just no way
• a few times he has come home in soaking wet clothes, including in photos they send on the app, it looked like his nappy had leaked and not been changed, they denied this and said he had been playing with water
• his face is often really red at pick up like he has been sobbing recently, but they always say he has been happy, playing and had a good day
• he doesnt eat most days at lunch, I know its not ideal but I provide formula so he can have something in his tummy if he refuses food, nursery say they dont do bottles in the room he is in so he just goes without
• communication in general feels really defensive, like Im being awkward for asking questions

Because of his hearing loss he misses things, he doesnt always respond, he cant tell me if something is wrong, I worry he is being ignored because he is quiet and doesnt kick off, every time I raise concerns I feel fobbed off, by nursery, by health visitors, by GP, like Im a young mum being anxious and dramatic

I am honestly tempted to pull him out of nursery but financially that is terrifying, if I pull him out my boyfriend cant get a job because someone needs to have him, or if my boyfriend does get a job I will probably have to quit because his job would be better paid than retail, we cant afford either option but I also feel sick sending him in

I feel judged all the time for being young parents and already having a 9 year old, like people assume we dont know what we are doing, I just want to protect my child and I feel like I am failing him whatever I do

Am I being unreasonable to think this nursery is not good enough for him or am I letting anxiety and guilt take over, I genuinely dont know anymore and I am exhausted

I'm really sorry your family is going through this. I wish you could stay home with him. I feel sad for you all.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all to want to take him out of nursery. I think the fact that it is upsetting you this much makes you a really good mum.

Agreed. Why is your son being sent somewhere that you sense is awful for him when he has a parent sat at home?

OP you're 26 or 27 I think which is just a normal mum age, I wouldn't assume you're being looked down on as a 'young mum'.

Sounds like you have lost faith in the nursery though so definitely move your child.

I'm not quite clear on the timings but have you been with your boyfriend since he was a 16 year old child and you were a mum in your 20s?

Or are you 27 and 24 now? And got together at 22 and 19?

You are absolutely not wrong to question things but may I say you sound a little paranoid. Why would you think nursery staff would judge you for your age? I don't think that an issue at all. I think the judgment from your family has made you assume everyone else is.

I think you need reduced hours whether this nursery or another. Dad can mind him, during nursery hours dad can hopefully get a PT job while job hunting, he can work around time off for interviews.

As for the issues, you need a face to face with his key worker. The one that jumps out at me the most is the wrong nappies, there is simply no excuse for this. You don't know really what happened about the dirty nappy but it could be argued that you should have checked too at handover. If you didn't smell it, it's not fair to say staff should have. They may have changed him and he went immediately after while his coat was on, it happens. Kids also knock each other over and get wet however I don't think he should ever be sent home wet. They have clean clothes for a reason.

However I am with them on the bottle, they would have to go against all recommendations to accommodate this and it would also cause upset to other kids who want bottles but have to wait til bedtime. In my place they have to move from bottle to sippy cup to move from the baby room to the wobble room at about 15 months. He will adapt if he has to, that doesn't mean than it will be easy.

At the end of the day you have to trust your instincts, don't feel guilty if you really want to remove him. A fresh start somewhere new might be best for your stress.

I don’t understand your logic. The nursery sounds awful so you could look for another setting or childminder which would still allow both of you to work. You are letting your bf off lightly with him not working nor having to do childcare. He could look for short term or low paid work and job hunt rather than wait for the “right” job to turn up. He could volunteer to get some transferable skills. If he claims uc he will soon be expected to find work in any role.

We wanted to get DS used to nursery for when bf got a job, we didnt realise itd take this long to find one. I thought the younger the better as eldest was 3y and about 3 months when he started and like I said, he hated it but he'd only really been with me so I thought with ds being younger itd be easier.

He doesn't want to get a pt job back at kfc as he says he didn't do a degree for that. He's only ever worked at kfc and when we got together hed finished college that summer (we got together about 2 months after he turned 19) and didnt have a job then either. He only got it a few months after we got together and he had it for about 3 years until he quit after ds was born. He was stick with what he wanted to do for a couple of years when he finished college.

I do feel judged though, mostly due to my experience with eldest as I was in the middle of my gcses when I found out I was pregnant, my mum kicked me out because I refused to have an abortion. His dad was abusive toward me and was 19 when he was born (turned 20 a couple days later), I was 16 turning 17 in a few months. Obviously when I was kicked out I was closer to his dad, we split when he was a few months old as it was HARD. It was just me until I met bf and maybe I did introduce them too quickly but it worked out. His dad had no contact until he found out I was with bf when ds was about 5 and I was forced to give him contact and I still worry about that as he was abusive toward me but I had no proof.. Me and my mum still aren't close, she resents my eldest when he's nearly 10 and says he ruined my life. She doesn't believe his ADHD diagnosis even though school were first to mention it as I didn't realise the signs when he was a toddler (and they were there). I felt robbed off when he was younger too and I feel the same with youngest when he had meningitis it took ages for someone to take it seriously and by then he was really really poorly. And we were asked constantly by family why we were having another child, the pregnancy obviously wasn't planned but they were just really judgmental. Bfs mum didn't really like me anyway when we met as I had a child and his mum thought he was too young for that.

As I said above, the local childminders are all full

So you can’t work at kfc if you have a degree, but you can sit around at home doing nothing? You take whatever job is going. And you look for a job you’d like around that. Or you look after your own child who hates nursery.
it’s kinda baffling that you’re working full time, tearing your hair out trying to find a solution for your son who is having a tough time at nursery, and your partner is doing nothing. And you’re passive to that. No one is judging you op. I am judging your partner though, there is no way on earth any decent parent would see their son so upset, have an incredibly obvious solution right in front of their eyes, and not do that.

Get yourselves on the wait list for childminders, look at other nurseries as options, but agree with others if your partner thinks this brilliant degree level job he deserves is just waiting for him, preventing him from going to work at KFC, tell him to go get that job and start earning now, today.

You’d have more options if you had more money, is the brutal truth.

I'm failing to understand why you would have to quit your job if he got a job? In the op you said your kid was three, but now it's 2, nearly three?

Sounds like you need to take your son out of the nursery- it sounds awful

Potty learning ( not necessarily training)…is from age 6 months now ( look at the ERIC guidance)….from as soon as a baby can sit up

You are not happy with the nursery so take your child out. His dad can look after him while you look for a better nursery or get him on a waiting list for a childminder. Your partner can then do school drop offs and pick ups for your older DS. Your partner can give his son more support with eating and giving up bottles and communication and potty training (when you're all ready) than a nursery. This will take some pressure off you.

Your partner can still be job hunting while you look for better childcare. He should be prepared to take a less than ideal job when his family is struggling financially.

Nine years ago you were a young mother but now you are an experienced mother. You can tell that nursery isn’t a good place for your DS.

Find out exactly what alternatives there are and get him on the waiting lists. Even better, your DP can do this since he has a degree and isn’t working or looking after his children.

Then decide if you pull DS from this nursery immediately or wait until you have a better option.

Also your DP needs to follow up all the referrals pps have mentioned so that DS has support going forward.

This sounds like one where it might be worth both looking at alternatives, and also working with current nursery.

Some simple things that might make life easier:

• Check nappy at collection every time ‘because we’re walking home and if you’ve just weed that’ll be uncomfortable’. Does three things, solves the walking home in full nappy, gets nursery used to the idea that hes checked at pick up every time, gives plenty of opportunities to spot if they’re using someone else’s nappies on him. If they are, you can approach positively - do you need different labelling, do two kids have the same name etc.
• ask to meet with his room leader to review his care plan, ‘now he’s been there a while. Worth having a meeting about it given his additional needs.’ During that, talk about how to manage eating and the dietician advice that he needs calories regularly so a back up plan is needed for when he doesn’t eat the initial meal. Then talk about the deafness and hearing aid familiarisation plan. What will work best for them to it’s regards to building up his tolerance to them. Can they do 30 mins a day initially and track it.
• start taking a snack to eat at pick up. That’s a tough point for any child that age at nursery, but if you can get a snack into them immediately then you can often catch before get too tired to eat.

Look around at other nurseries in the area. Different styles suit different children and there might be one that’s more him.

If you feel judged it is because your bf is freeloading and taking advantage of you. He might have a degree but needs must and you cannot afford for him to be that choosy and not to work. Presumably ds is not eligible for EY funding until September unless his hearing loss qualifies him for additional support or via UC, ask your hv.

Why sent him to somewhere unsuitable when a parent isn’t working?
Sounds like a specialist unit in a School nursery would be a better fit (I know one of our local schools has one, not sure if it’s in all areas).

@Perfect28As I said in the OP he's 3 in April, so still 2 as of now. If DS still wasn't in nursery by the time he got a job i’d have to quit it even if he had a place somewhere at a nursery or childminder i’d have to reduce my hours and probably go PT again as there’d be no one to have DS when he's off school or them both if youngest is in a school nursery come September. Eldests dad only has him eow but tbh hot even that. He usually has him on Friday night and then brings him home on a Saturday afternoon because he has “plans”. He's never had eldest during a school holiday.

I know that he should take any job but he wont - he sees the degree was a waste of time if so, he did business at uni but there aren't many jobs for that around here anyway. In the future he wants to own his own business but I don't see how he can do that without getting a job and gaining experience.

I do think a big part of the problem iAs his mum didn't make him do anything, he'd never even cooked a meal and he was quite capable at 19 and I don't think he exactly asked his mum to do things like that, she just did it. He is her youngest and his brother is much different and much more outgoing etc so I guess she over compensated for that

I would defo move him to another nursery.

Other things, does he really need to be in so much until your bf finds a job? Just enough time for bf to be job hunting effectively and no more until a job is actually found. In another setting I mean.

This nursery doesn’t sound up to scratch.

Or perhaps better, he goes to the new setting full time and bf takes whatever job he can get!

I think you should put aside your feeling that you are being judged.

Hearing aids are difficult in crowded noisy places like a nursery as they are pretty indiscriminate and amplify every noise and echo. It is something that needs adapting to gradually. Maybe try 5 minutes a day while on your lap watching a favourite programme on TV - a programme that seems only to work when the aids are in!

One of the problems with nurseries is communication - real face-to-face communication, not messages on the phone etc. This is often because parents are rushing hither and thither with children needing picking up from other settings.

Can you make a proper appointment to talk with them?

If you get no satisfaction from that then, as others have said, it will be a case of looking at another child care setting.

Thank you @ScaryM0nster, that's really helpful. Bf does usually take him a snack and a drink (he doesn't drink at nursery either, even though at home he's fine with water and juice). But DS usually throws/drops it and that causes another tantrum.

We do try and build time up with the hearing aid but as soon as it's in he pulls it out and cries etc

I know that he should take any job but he wont - he sees the degree was a waste of time if so, he did business at uni but there aren't many jobs for that around here anyway. In the future he wants to own his own business but I don't see how he can do that without getting a job and gaining experience.

If he is bright enough to get a degree he is bright enough to know that this is not how it works in the real world. My own AC did not fall into degree-relevant jobs straight away - they did unpaid interns and worked their way up, or got tiding over jobs while researching the market constantly and putting in endless applications. Or they looked for traineeships. It may take a long time - it often does. Your family's stability cannot be kept on hold while he hangs on for the luxury of the job he thinks he deserves.

I would find a different nursery. A good nursery will actually help with referrals to things like speech therapy and pick up on any interventions that might be needed for a child. Changing nappies often enough is a very baseline level of care and youre not even satisfied they're doing that, let alone helping your child with development concerns.

I wonder if a lot of things are pointing to autism in your youngest. Wearing a hearing aid (both the physical sensation and the noise it delivers that he’s not used to), the food aversion etc. has he been assessed? what relationship do you have with your health visitor? They can do his ASQ questionnaire to get a baseline for him.

id pull him out of that nursery and try and find one near the eldest’s school.

have you started to enquire as to which mainstream school he will go to? Often you might want a child with hearing loss to be in one with a hearing unit.