To want to pull DS out of nursery even though we can’t afford it at all

[TimidThunder]

am sorry if this is all over the place I am dyslexic and really upset typing this but I need some honest opinions because I feel like nobody is taking me seriously

I was 24 when I gave birth to my youngest, my boyfriend was 21, we also have a 9 year old which I feel adds to the judgement, my youngest will be 3 in April, he was born 6 weeks early during a traumatic birth and had a traumatic time in the NICU, then he got meningitis as a baby and nearly died which was honestly the worst time of my life, since then he has hearing loss in one ear and needs a hearing aid but he just will not tolerate it, he screams and pulls it out straight away, he is nearly 3 and barely talks at all, just noises and pointing, and he hardly eats

I work full time in retail, my boyfriend doesnt work, he finished uni last summer and has not been able to find a job, money is really really tight, like counting pennies tight, my son started nursery in September and Ive had so many issues that I dont even know if I am overreacting anymore or if this is genuinely not ok

Some of the nursery issues are

• another child pushed him outside and he smacked his head on the floor, he came home with a big bump and they said it was just one of those things
• they put him in nappies that I do not provide even though Ive explained he gets awful rashes, he comes home red and sore
• today my boyfriend picked him up, we live a very short walk away, minutes not miles, and his nappy was filthy, normally its mushy and this didnt look fresh at all, it was obvious it had been there longer than the walk home, nursery said he was changed before pick up but there is just no way
• a few times he has come home in soaking wet clothes, including in photos they send on the app, it looked like his nappy had leaked and not been changed, they denied this and said he had been playing with water
• his face is often really red at pick up like he has been sobbing recently, but they always say he has been happy, playing and had a good day
• he doesnt eat most days at lunch, I know its not ideal but I provide formula so he can have something in his tummy if he refuses food, nursery say they dont do bottles in the room he is in so he just goes without
• communication in general feels really defensive, like Im being awkward for asking questions

Because of his hearing loss he misses things, he doesnt always respond, he cant tell me if something is wrong, I worry he is being ignored because he is quiet and doesnt kick off, every time I raise concerns I feel fobbed off, by nursery, by health visitors, by GP, like Im a young mum being anxious and dramatic

I am honestly tempted to pull him out of nursery but financially that is terrifying, if I pull him out my boyfriend cant get a job because someone needs to have him, or if my boyfriend does get a job I will probably have to quit because his job would be better paid than retail, we cant afford either option but I also feel sick sending him in

I feel judged all the time for being young parents and already having a 9 year old, like people assume we dont know what we are doing, I just want to protect my child and I feel like I am failing him whatever I do

Am I being unreasonable to think this nursery is not good enough for him or am I letting anxiety and guilt take over, I genuinely dont know anymore and I am exhausted

It all sounds very hectic at home to be honest.

I would absolutely change nurseries. We had similar issues with our first nursery and dirty nappies/ rashes. The new nursery is so much better and I really regret not changing sooner. It sounds like your son has a lot going on and really needs to be cared for by strong staff who will support him.

The kid's nearly 3. Formula should stop at 1. I would say two years accounts for a longer transition wouldn't you? At some point, parents are going to need to take some accountability.

Are you raising a child with additional needs and a communication delay? I think OP is saying on the days they’re refusing to eat, rather than then go hungry she is giving formula as she knows they will accept that. Unless you’re living that life you aren’t really qualified to speak on it. OP is on here being honest about her situation and seeking advice but some people love a pile on.

You’ve mentioned a few times about Dad being quiet. How much communication is happening at home between dad and your son without screens present? Does dad take him out to the park or a walk? Play games with him?
Nursery should be supporting with Makaton.

If you offered meals and not the snack/grazing option what would happen? I’ve noticed a lot of children come to our school nursery and reception classes and they aren’t used to mealtimes as they have the grazing approach at home.

I agree about stopping snacks. All children would just eat snack type food given the opportunity. He needs to come to meals hungry.
He doesn't like sandwiches ... all sandwiches?
I agree that noisy nursery is a challenge for child with hearing problems.

It's not “hectic at home” at all 🙄 where have I said that?

Of course we’d love for him to eat a meal at lunchtime but he won't, when he's at home we just give him picky things like crackers, fruit, crisps etc and he eats it throughout the afternoon. We give him a proper meal for dinner and its hit and miss, he especially doesn't eat it on nursery days so it's not the case of “stopping the snacks” because he hasn't eaten since breakfast by that point! We only give him the formula if he hasn't eaten anything, we don't just offer it at the drop of a hat

The judgement on this thread...

But people are only judging what you are saying and you’ve literally just contradicted yourself by saying that when he is not at nursery you give him crackers , fruit and crisps for lunch and he eats it throughout the afternoon - that is the very definition of snacking . If you want him to eat proper meals at mealtimes then a lunch that gets eaten at points throughout the afternoon doesn’t work as he will not be hungry at dinner time .

It sounds like he's needs a different setting that can give him more attention and care. Definitely get him on waiting lists with reputable local childminders.

I was a young Mum too but, you know what, you need to leave that mentality behind. Who cares that you were young - biologically, it's a great time to have children and you sound very in tune with your kids' needs. I don't want to make assumptions but try feeling proud of yourself and shame on the people in your life who didn't support you. I carried the feelings of shame and humiliation around for years and still feel it sometimes. I'm in my mid-40's, but every now and then I feel embarrassed when people exclaim how young I look to have grown-up children. I try to style it out most of the time though but being treated like that never really leaves you.

I think you probably need to sort your DP out. He's never going to get started in business if he doesn't have a job. Employers don't want to employ unemployed people. That might sound odd, but I recruit in my role and would only have respect for someone who is doing whatever they can to put food on the table for their family. A really good cover letter can address this when he applies for jobs. He needs to get a job - even part-time for now so he has time for the 'proper' job search too.