To feel like I’ve destroyed my life

[TheyDontKnowWhy]

Six months after separating from H and I can’t get over the feeling of having nuked my entire life. I planned to leave H in secret and had a whole house set up ready to move into.

I know if I listed the reasons that you would all tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’m much better off now but the consequences have been catastrophic.

My parents are devastated and I’m consumed with guilt at causing them so much worry as they are both elderly. It feels like the equivalent of dumping a whole rubbish bin at their door.

I feel I’ve ruined my kids lives and caused so much upset for everyone. Oldest has chosen to remain with his Dad and is very angry.

I miss my old life, the lovely little village I used to live in, being a part of a family and all of us being together.

Reasons for leaving-
Years of name calling.
In arguments he would tell me to do everyone a favour and kill yourself.
Threatening to urinate on my clothes in an argument.
Threats of physical harm
When one of our children was a baby he said if I took him away he would kill me.
Shouting out in public that I’m an abuser.
An incident involving our youngest which was deeply upsetting which I’ve posted about before.
Tell me no wonder I have no friends
Call me a bunny boiler and say I am indifferent to our children. Also that I ignored our oldest when he was a baby (I had PND)

lots more which I won’t go into. He knows why I left and says how could he ever trust me again and how I’ve ruined everyone’s lives.

I know this is a terrible list. He had “improved” and our lives had calmed down with fewer arguments. Some of these things were from years ago. Things were “normal” when I left.

He was also -
Funny
Generous with gifts on birthdays/christmas
Intelligent
We could enjoy each other’s company, go for meals, coffees and walks
He worked hard
We had nice family days out and holidays.
we were financially comfortable.
We had a whole life which has now been obliterated.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I was also sold the idea of two happy homes being better than one miserable one but it doesn’t feel that way, my children are split and I feel more miserable now than I did in my marriage.

AIBU?

Sounds like a burst of remorse but right thing done

Just take a moment and read that first list. Then read it again. If it helps make it your phone wallpaper. And keep reading it.

You matter too OP, you don’t exist to facilitate everyone else’s happiness to your detriment. You cannot parent or be a good daughter whilst being abused. Neither your parents nor children are judging the new life based on all the facts because you’ve (rightly) protected them from them Im sure.

Sounds like he destroyed your life TBH. You are better off without this abuser. Things will settle down.

Give yourself time and let things settle. You would be burying your head in the sand and sticking your fingers in your ears to truly "enjoy each others' company." Threatening to urinate on your clothes? That is no way to live. You have taken a really brave decision which is the right long-term one. It is normal to feel grief at the moment but life can be so much better than what you had with him.

First, breathe.

It's only been six months. You're grieving the end of the relationship and the future you hoped for, you're grieving the changes to your life more widely, and your brain is only now starting to process the things that happened during the relationship and how it ended.

At the six months mark it is natural to feel how you do - six months after a bereavement you'd be feeling rotten still too. It feels horrible right now but it will gradually improve as things settle and as you process everything.

Also, there's no such things as monsters. Even people who behave abusively also still have positive behaviours and attributes. That doesn't make the abusive behaviour acceptable, but it also means it's painful and distressing to end the relationship with them. That doesn't mean it was the wrong decision or that it could have been avoided, it just means that it's difficult and will involve many emotions.

Things will get better. I realise that will feel like empty and unbelievable words, but it's still early days.

OP its going to feel hard at first, but surely you re-read that list of abuse and can understand that you had no choice? It doesnt describe normal arging in a marriage- it is psychotic.

Id be doing everything I could to get my oldest away from him to be honest. He sounds unsafe.

Time to build a new life without all that in it.

Look at this as something exciting, rather than something you’ve lost (you lost someone abusive btw- great job!!).

It will take time; it’s a whole new life!

But you will never have to put up with that again. Stay strong! 💪

Your in limerance. Honestly you did well to leave him. Read that list out to your parents i bet they will be shocked. Do not go back to him. In 6 months you will be so much happier and know you did the right thing.

He spoilt the family unit not you. I'm sorry you are feeling the fallout, thoughts are with you during thus tough time.

YABU to think you ruined anything. He did. What a horrible abuser he is.

Of course you had to leave, OP. Stop caring what your ex says now or said in the past, he's a twat. It's unfortunate that this has all upset your parents, I hope they are emotionally supportive too? Your children will grow up and understand when they're older. Being nice for some of the time is not good enough - he was foul towards you. Better times are coming.

I think that you’re probably in shock and can’t believe that you had the strength to leave. It’s doesn’t matter what your parents think (although shame on them for not supporting you). What matters is that YOU know how bad it was and why you left. Don’t doubt yourself. Rest, recover, and remake your life. You only have one life - make it worth it.

Took me years to repair the damage done to our dc... I had an affair during a hideous marriage.. He used to go sit in the car and say if he was leaving he was taking the baby. He raped me (Catholicism allowed this apparently)
He mocked me and encouraged the dc to ignore me. Then wondered why I strayed... Escapism pure and simple..
Eventually I left the family home. A court battle that lasted 4 years and left me anorexic with ptsd...
It was still worth it to be physically free.
Mentally free took until he died 2 years ago.. No regrets though..
You can do this op. Look after yourself so you can be strong for your dc

You can do this. .

You'll find your way. Right now, everything feels uncertain and terrifying and you're feeling the pull back towards the familiar, even though it was awful. Hang in there because it will get better.

I’ve said this before on here but my therapist referred to relationships with people with personalities like your husband as inevitably harmful.

It was inevitable that he was going to harm you and it is inevitable that he will harm your children. That is his character. His lack of conscience, empathy and remorse means he is a harmful person. My parents were the inevitably harmful people in my life my therapist was referring to and inevitably they caused enormous harm to me.

You have done the right thing but the right path can involve walking through thorns to get to where you need to be. Grief is horrendously painful but you will get through this.

OP, he wasn't good for you. You've done the right thing but it's a hard journey, esp when have kids. Having wobbles is part of it am sure but see how you are in a couple years when you've started to come out the other side with a clear view.

Take good care, you'll be ok, honest.

Have you told your parents the things he said to you? Or have they only ever seen his public persona?

How old are your children?

OP please don’t question whether you were right to leave. You 100% did the right thing. No one should put up with that treatment and your children should not see you doing it. Please see this through and things will get better. Do your parents know what he did?

Op, what are you doing to improve your life now you’re free?

you’ve been in an abusive marriage. None of that first list is normal. It’s going to take some time to process. Therapy. Maybe freedom programme?

get outside and explore life. Meet people. Trial some new hobbies. start building something for you.

you’ve done the hardest part, and I’m sure you maybe weren’t expecting it to still be hard after, but you’re grieving and processing.

he’s a cunt. You’re an inspiration to have saved yourself and you should look forwards now x

I'd like to add - you have not ruined so many lives and the guilt is not yours.
Had hubby been a kind man none of this would've happened.

6 months is very early days. Any kind hearted child over about 7 wouldn’t have wanted you to stay in that situation - being clearly abused. They may hate change but they will know why. You can do this and create a happy life…it’s natural for the unpleasantness to fade ..that’s part of healing…to stay would have been sacrificing yourself 💐💐💐💐

I assume your parents don't know the whole story?

But, that aside, imagine if one of your children or a sibling had been treated by a partner the way you were - what would you want them to do? I should think you would want them to leave and be away from that kind of abuse.

Be kinder to yourself. You haven't destroyed your life, you are a survivor & you have made a brave decision to change your life.

Your ex's behaviour towards you damaged your self esteem & self worth which is why you are doubting yourself.

But know that you are a beautiful, brave person who deserves more than your ex was giving you.
He was the destroyer of your life but you are away from him now so he actually failed to destroy you & you now have a chance to rebuild. x

I'm usually the first one to say it is very important to try to work through problems in a marriage if children are involved.

But NEVER in cases of abuse.

Please don't doubt that you did the right thing, you absolutely did.

The majority of abusive men have some good traits, that's how so many keep women for so long.
Your children will realise you did the right thing when they're older. Just hold on in there. You have a whole new life ahead of you and it will get better in time.