Should I be expected to make dinner every single night?

[Comingtoarealisation]

And do everything else?

Dh works Mon-Fri-8-4.30

I work less atm, three afternoons per week, this is due to increase to five days from mid February

I bring in roughly half what Dh does

We have a 6 year old Dc with special needs.

I do all drop offs and pick ups, all school and drs related things, cook every night and do dc breakfast and Dh lunch. I also cook at the weekends and most breakfast and lunches, *sometimes Dh will do for Dd-not for me. I do all food planning and food shopping. I do all washing, picking dog poo up, keeping house tidy, dog walks, vets etc. I do all bills each month.
I have a cleaner every fortnight for four hours to do a full clean of the house (pay for this out of my pay, I don’t have beauty treatments, nails done, rare nights out or new clothes)
House is always tidy, dinner ready for everyone after work etc.
Recently not been well and also looking after dc who is not well.
Dh came home today, went in kitchen to look for dinner, asked what are we having for dinner (in a moody way) I said I didn’t want anything and i’d asked dc and they didn’t (not feeling well)
Cue, storming around and putting pasta in a pan to boil, huffing and puffing. It’s literally just that with a stir in sauce. Says something horrible under his breath, so I shout back ‘It’s just putting pasta in a pan’ he responds ‘Yes, it is isn’t it?!’ and that he’s been working all day and I shout back ‘And I work too and do everything else!’

He acts like this a lot and i’m sick of it, I do mainly everything else because I work a lot less and that’s fair enough, but hate the fact it’s expected and hate the drudgery of it sometimes

I’m due to make more than him from February and feel like shoving it back in his face

I actually keep imagining living on my own (obviously with dc) in a nice little apartment/house where I can come and go as I please and only have to be responsible for making food for dc and not an expectant grown man capable of doing it himself, how would he cope on his own?! He’d have to shop, cook, clean, pay bills etc.
He wants me to be the one doing all that AND working the same too

Aibu

hiw are you going to keep that up when you go back to work full time? Has there been a conversation around the fact that if you go back full time housework and childcare will have to be split?

He’s taking advantage of you but more to the point, he’s vile. That alone will have me kicking him out of the house.

Has there heck! but there will be.

The way my hours work (the way they’ve had to) is I will still drop and pick up Dc, then I’m obviously back earlier than him (only an hour) so i’m guessing I will get dinner ready or will be the one rushing to get something after pick up-nothing will change.

I actually keep imagining living on my own (obviously with dc) in a nice little apartment/house where I can come and go as I please and only have to be responsible for making food for dc and not an expectant grown man capable of doing it himself, how would he cope on his own?! He’d have to shop, cook, clean, pay bills etc.
He wants me to be the one doing all that AND working the same too

I felt like that so I did strike out on my own and it is way better. Obviously your marriage might be happier than mine was overall but being a single parent is easier in my experience.

OP this is only going to get a lot worse once you start working more - he might still expect you to do all the cooking/housework/childcare. And why should you have to pay for the cleaner?
Basically OP why are you married to a caveman who doesn’t respect women?

Do you think so? He sees it as me working a lot less and being in the house when he’s not so these things should be done? Or that’s how it feels at least

He sounds very much like my dickhead ex-husband.

Note the “Ex”.

90% of men are absolute shite.

Stop running around after him, let him take care of his own laundry and the like.

Well tbf it comes out of all the money, it’s shared, but I say that to make things easier, he tuts as obviously thinks with time in the house I should be cleaning it myself, it’s literally the one thing I hate doing, I do everything else

Ah, mate. He sounds like total arsehole. It's not the cooking, it's that in combo with everything else and particularly his attitude.

If he finishes at 4:30, there’s plenty of time for him to make dinner. No need for you to do it all.
I’d sit around the table and discuss how things are going to need to change when you increase your hours. His reaction will say how he views the relationship /you

Yes I do think so. You may do a bit more than him since you are not working as much but he also has to do SOMETHING. What are his responsibilities?

And what is the plan for when you are both working full time?

I just do it as a family thing really, wash whatever’s there

Obviously you shouldn't be expected to do it every night, and definitely not when you increase hours, but if that's the norm in your household, and he returned home expecting dinner to be underway (as usual) and you hadn't even thought of him because neither your or DC were hungry, I think I'd probably have the hump too.

It would be different if I knew I was responsible for planning dinner.

What do you suggest I say?

Interested to see how others work it?

I kinda get where he’s coming from Monday to Friday, particularly days you haven’t worked and if his hours are 8-4:30 he can’t do pick up and drop off easily without needing wraparound care.

BUT on the weekends cooking and for general cleaning and chores, there should be a split. He doesn’t get away with doing nothing just because he works more hours than you.

@Mirrorx what about some sympathy for your ill wife?

It wasn’t that I hadn’t thought of him, we were both not that well (dc and I) and it was just one day, hate this expectation on me every day, like some fucking 50’s housewife. It was just going to be pasta anyway, seriously how would he live alone? It’s embarrassing

He sounds like a right grump. Even without the pathetic petulance over lack of dinner, which, given the time he finishes, he could well be sorting at least half the time. Though, I do think whoever is home first should start the evening meal, or at least have a plan for one.

However, It's no way to live when someone almost always a man, expects every aspect of home management and childcare, to fall to the other person.

Sounds like a serious talk and some restructuring is in order, but if you are already fantasising about the smaller house/apartment, you are starting to check-out.

Oh dear. You've two options. Divorce now divorce later. Speaking from experience with a very similar lazy entitled arsehole. Divorce sooner. He doesn't see you as an equal, he sees you as a domestic appliance. Men like this don't tend to improve. I'd say sorry, but know from experience your life would be immediately better without him in it.

Yes, this is it. I don’t mind doing all the other things are am glad I get to drop and pick up etc, it’s just this expectation and weekends too. He doesn’t cook well, but if he ever has to make something I can feel the resentment, it’s not normal

God god, no you shouldn’t be.

For balance, I’m a SAHM and dh does more than his fair share of the house, childcare and does all the shopping and the lions share of the cooking, because he’s also an adult in the home.

Really, she’s unwell and her child is unwell. Any decent person would be concerned and try to help - not throw a huff because they need to make their own dinner.

@Comingtoarealisationyou need to have a clear conversation about his expectations of you. He isn’t working particularly long hours, and he’s an adult in the house. I tell him I needed him to start pulling his weight around the house, you may be at home more but you’re also caring for a small child. He should be cooking a couple of times a week, doing bath time and bed time (because you’ll be doing all the drop offs and pick ups), putting a load or two of laundry in, wiping round the bathroom. He’s being incredibly disrespectful to you and your home together.

Amazing 🤩

Only full time working seems to be valued here.

If I left, it would all crumble