Should I be expected to make dinner every single night?

[Comingtoarealisation]

And do everything else?

Dh works Mon-Fri-8-4.30

I work less atm, three afternoons per week, this is due to increase to five days from mid February

I bring in roughly half what Dh does

We have a 6 year old Dc with special needs.

I do all drop offs and pick ups, all school and drs related things, cook every night and do dc breakfast and Dh lunch. I also cook at the weekends and most breakfast and lunches, *sometimes Dh will do for Dd-not for me. I do all food planning and food shopping. I do all washing, picking dog poo up, keeping house tidy, dog walks, vets etc. I do all bills each month.
I have a cleaner every fortnight for four hours to do a full clean of the house (pay for this out of my pay, I don’t have beauty treatments, nails done, rare nights out or new clothes)
House is always tidy, dinner ready for everyone after work etc.
Recently not been well and also looking after dc who is not well.
Dh came home today, went in kitchen to look for dinner, asked what are we having for dinner (in a moody way) I said I didn’t want anything and i’d asked dc and they didn’t (not feeling well)
Cue, storming around and putting pasta in a pan to boil, huffing and puffing. It’s literally just that with a stir in sauce. Says something horrible under his breath, so I shout back ‘It’s just putting pasta in a pan’ he responds ‘Yes, it is isn’t it?!’ and that he’s been working all day and I shout back ‘And I work too and do everything else!’

He acts like this a lot and i’m sick of it, I do mainly everything else because I work a lot less and that’s fair enough, but hate the fact it’s expected and hate the drudgery of it sometimes

I’m due to make more than him from February and feel like shoving it back in his face

I actually keep imagining living on my own (obviously with dc) in a nice little apartment/house where I can come and go as I please and only have to be responsible for making food for dc and not an expectant grown man capable of doing it himself, how would he cope on his own?! He’d have to shop, cook, clean, pay bills etc.
He wants me to be the one doing all that AND working the same too

Aibu

Yes, he could make dinner occasionally. However, catering is one of the OP’s duties, so that should be done by agreement rather than him simply arriving home from work to nothing made.

He also has the right to say no.

The whole point of having a SAHP is that they have time during the day to do the ‘three Cs’- catering, cleaning and childcare.

It is not fair on the WOHP to expect them to come home and start doing that when their partner has been at home all day.

“Looking at sending her back to work” 🤣🤣🤣

Oh good grief! Women aren’t commodities or farm animals.

You seem to be making up your own story as to OPs home life @SilkySquirrel .

I agree with all of this!! DH is my second marriage and although he is lovely, loving, kind and funny and I do love him, he is a lazy fucker! I honestly don't know whether it's incompetence or totally lazy or both. I would never live with anyone again if something happened to DH.

You need to have a frank conversation with him, the leaving the cup for you to pick up is how he sees you, a maid. He is treating you with utter disdain, the work you do and domestic and parental chores are to be shared.

Tell him you're not a flipping skivvy and going forward list things that need to be shared, starting with the cooking. He should at least cook at the weekend ffs.

Keep your cleaner, they will be invaluable for you keeping up with daily dust and grime.

X

DH and I are an older (retired) couple: We share cleaning and other chores, I mainly cook dinner, he preps breakfast, we do lunch together (soup or sandwiches).

When we were both working (with 2DCs) he did shift work: 6am-2pm, 2pm-10pm, 10pm-6am, 7am-4pm. He did most of the meal prep, cooked when on lates and left meal for re-heating. I cooked what he prepped. He hung out washing and cleaned when/where needed and did outside work.

He is/was a real partner: trained by his Mum and Dad.

Jeez oh @SilkySquirrel please enlighten us regarding your role at home. 😲

Fair enough when someone is ill!

But when I was PT, I would do chores during the week but also have time to see friends, coffees etc. So at the weekend I was also doing more chores than DH - and never felt it was unfair it counterbalanced the down time I had during the week.

(FT now, and we do 50/50)

How much do you clean? Lower your expectations. Hoover and wash the floors once per week. Cook 5 times a week, tell him to cook on 2 days and tell him to clean up the kitchen after dinner every day.

He’s learnt to depend on you, so therefore inconvenience having to it himself, was his mum a stay home mums?

She is a SAHM though (funded by him). I’m not sure how dependence comes into it.

Look at the imbalance
you make his lunches but he when does only makes for himself and DD

no interest if DD being ill or if you’ve had a difficult day or even concern you weren’t eating just cross there wasn’t food for him so he had to spend what a big 20 minutes before he could then do what he wanted for the rest of the evening - and assume he didn’t wash/clear up - leaving kitchen as he found it

to me this doesn’t sound like a marriage, love and cherish, you seem like the lesser in his mind, good house elf for sure but an equal, someone he cares about, no so much

You could ask him? Ask him how he sees you? What he thinks marriage is all about? If he wants to stay in this marriage? Calmly explain how you are thinking and feeling and with pending full time work and higher wages that things will need to be very different going forward because if not at some point your resentment will snap so maybe it’s best to separate now whilst you can still remain civil at least co-parents

that is something along the lines of how I would put it
no anger, no blame more a fact finding mission to get some truthful information to make an informed decision

you have to be prepared for any answer though

Except she works part time going to full next month and will be bringing in more wages - not sure how you equate that to being fully funded by him

and even if she was - their child is ill, SAHP are allowed sick days just like workers

Nope you're still struggling. OP is not a sahm. In fact in a couple of weeks, she will increase her hours to out earn her OH, so I'm not sure what you're getting at.

FFS @SilkySquirrel!
All day long, people have been telling you that OP Is NOT a sahm.
What is wrong with you that you cannot comprehend this fact?

OP is NOT a sahm. Op goes to work. OP is NOT a sahm. Op goes to work. OP is NOT a sahm. Op goes to work. OP is NOT a sahm. Op goes to work.

Yup!

Jesus @SilkySquirrel What are you not understanding?? I work, just less hours (currently)
Are you from the 1950’s, a guy or just on the wind up?
Stop with the ‘Duties’ word! I don’t have any duty to anyone

@SilkySquirrel is obviously on a wind up. Don't feed the troll. 😜

Oh my god sorry, pressed YABU by mistake and can’t change it.

he sounds like my soon to be x. I wish I had done it sooner.

Even if op was a fulltime SAHM, the dh's attitude isn't excusable.

Good grief do you ever read the posts on which you are commenting?

She isn’t a SAHM. And the dinner event happened when she and the child were both ill.

What kind of entitled fuckwit finishes work at 4.30 and then expects to be waited on, let alone by a sick wife and child?

Even if the OP were a SAHPs - SAHPs are not dogsbodies providing full hotel and childcare services they should be an equal partner in a mutually respectful relationship.

Good point.

"or he will end up looking at sending her back to work"
"the ‘three Cs’- catering, cleaning and childcare"

SilkySquirrel is clearly a man, so you can shove your three C's up your chauvinistic arse, there's a c word I can certainly think of that suits YOU!

Sounds like my husband