Should I be expected to make dinner every single night?

[Comingtoarealisation]

And do everything else?

Dh works Mon-Fri-8-4.30

I work less atm, three afternoons per week, this is due to increase to five days from mid February

I bring in roughly half what Dh does

We have a 6 year old Dc with special needs.

I do all drop offs and pick ups, all school and drs related things, cook every night and do dc breakfast and Dh lunch. I also cook at the weekends and most breakfast and lunches, *sometimes Dh will do for Dd-not for me. I do all food planning and food shopping. I do all washing, picking dog poo up, keeping house tidy, dog walks, vets etc. I do all bills each month.
I have a cleaner every fortnight for four hours to do a full clean of the house (pay for this out of my pay, I don’t have beauty treatments, nails done, rare nights out or new clothes)
House is always tidy, dinner ready for everyone after work etc.
Recently not been well and also looking after dc who is not well.
Dh came home today, went in kitchen to look for dinner, asked what are we having for dinner (in a moody way) I said I didn’t want anything and i’d asked dc and they didn’t (not feeling well)
Cue, storming around and putting pasta in a pan to boil, huffing and puffing. It’s literally just that with a stir in sauce. Says something horrible under his breath, so I shout back ‘It’s just putting pasta in a pan’ he responds ‘Yes, it is isn’t it?!’ and that he’s been working all day and I shout back ‘And I work too and do everything else!’

He acts like this a lot and i’m sick of it, I do mainly everything else because I work a lot less and that’s fair enough, but hate the fact it’s expected and hate the drudgery of it sometimes

I’m due to make more than him from February and feel like shoving it back in his face

I actually keep imagining living on my own (obviously with dc) in a nice little apartment/house where I can come and go as I please and only have to be responsible for making food for dc and not an expectant grown man capable of doing it himself, how would he cope on his own?! He’d have to shop, cook, clean, pay bills etc.
He wants me to be the one doing all that AND working the same too

Aibu

You know, he doesn’t even bother to put his coffee cup even just back in the kitchen in the sink every day, just leaves it there to be picked up

Was he always like this or only since you had DC?

My husband has a tendency to drop the cooking too. A few occasions of "What's for dinner?" > "Nothing", and it usually resolves itself.

My favourite is when I work late and he does pick up, come back with the kids at 5:30pm, and there is nothing planned. Just that little peak of stress helps so much.

He isn't acting like a twat about it though. For your husband I would probably tell him to F* off, and stop cooking for him altogether until he start contributing to then household.

Ooh I couldn't put up with that! I'd be going on strike, cooking for myself and dc, same for the laundry and I certainly wouldn't be making his lunch!

I was a SAHM for much of the time when my children were small and I did make dinner every day - I like cooking and didn't mind it plus wanted to make sure DC were getting a good balanced diet! BUT if DH came home and we had been out or something and dinner wasn't cooked he would never complain! He'd just make himself a sandwich or beans on toast etc

You need to point out to DH that you are not in fact his housemaid. If he carries on being a dickhead, maybe it's time to find a nice little house for just you and dc?

He was the only one who wanted to eat? Seems reasonable for him to sort himself out

That's ridiculously lazy. He sounds as if he does pretty much nothing to keep the house running and thinks his Big Man Job justifies that. It doesn't. Weekends should be split as pp said and why can't he make his own lunch while you're doing breakfast for everyone? Are you up on your feet doing various tasks when you're all at home and he's.. what, just sitting there? Like lord of the manor?

Stop picking the cup up. Ask him - politely but firmly - to bring his cup in and put it in the sink or dishwasher. Tell him you're fed up with cooking 7 days a week and it's not sustainable when you return to working a full week so starting now, he is responsible for food one day at the weekend. He can order pizza if he wants but it's his job to sort.

I honestly can’t remember as there was barely anything to do back then and we both worked full time and got in 7 ish. I can’t remember cooking every night, so we must have shared or grabbed our own thing?
I tried to get us to clean at weekends as in split it so he does upstairs me downstairs for example and he used to go in a vile mood, since then I got cleaners as wasn’t doing all that alone!

That's an amazing level of entitlement from him! Sounds like he wants a mummy or a skivvy not a grown up relationship with a wife/partner.
Your resentment will just grow and grow I think. He needs to step up (permanently) or ship out.
I couldn't respect a man like this and it would be a deal breaker.

Sorry he’s an idiot

I work 80%, dh works about 110% and I def do a bit more than he does. But not that much. Usually in the evening one cooks and the other washes up.

we also meal plan roughly at the weekend before we do the weekly shop so on the occasion that he gets to the kitchen before I do in the evening he knows what there is and he will get cracking without argument.

If you are ill and DC is ill this is perfectly reasonable.

expecting you to cook him dinner while you are ill is not on.

It’s staggering that men are still so widely considered to be more suited to senior positions in the workplace, when so many of them seem utterly incapable of cooking and washing for themselves.

I don’t know you haven’t snapped from the resentment. You must have the patience of a saint. Since you both work afternoons I’d expect cooking to be shared 50:50. A cleaner is surely a joint expense since you know, you’re both adults that live there?? If your hours allow you to do drop off/pick up without needing wrap around then that part is fair enough. But the rest of it WTF.

The more I read on mn, the more I despair of men.

Im not sure it’s possible for them to change because why should he? He likes it perfectly well as it is. I mean, who wouldn’t? All he has to do is throw the occasional strop to het you back into housewife mode.

Much higher, surely.

I work, DH doesn't. And I do most of the cooking- otherwise is would be freezer crap most of the time as he can't cook (has a whole host of medical issues which make it tricky).
I get home at 6 and we have a child which means I need to be organised.
This means on a Sunday I make a meal for Tuesday whilst cooking Sunday dinner- something like Mac n cheese, lasagna, spaghetti Bolognese, cottage pie etc which is easy to reheat. On Monday I tend to make something for me- veggie based with lots of veg in it- he either has leftovers post run, or some pasta. On a Wednesday I work from home and make fajitas for lunch, on a Thursday we normally have smoked salmon and avocado bagels ... Then a fri, sat, sun again I will make or use up leftovers/ a previously frozen meal. Works for us (I buy veg and fruit on a Monday and meal plan depending what's in the freezer)..... However he does the washing and cleans the bathrooms.....

He doesn't respect you, honestly how dare he! Your "work" isn't limited to 8-4.30pm, you are doing way more than you should and paying a cleaner is not all your responsibility. Get your anger up - you aren't his maid, set out what needs to change and if it doesn't leave. Life is too short to put up with this.

I went back to work full-time when dc were 6 and 9. My full-time was 8.15 to about 5.45. I had an au-pair to pick up the slack with after school stuff and cook the children's tea. I continued to take them to school, deal with all school stuff, all household stuff (always had a cleaner), all washing, all shopping, all cooking for me and dh and all of us at weekends.

DH's full time was 7.30 to 9.00 most days, sometimes more. Out of the house 6.45 to 9.30. He did very little house stuff but as ds got older he went to matches, etc.

It was fair because we worked as a team and had very little free time - I probably had a bit more than DH.

Although I used to have fantasies about living in an apartment with white carpets, the big difference between us was that I liked DH. Also, DH was always grateful for my input even if it was burnt.

I tried to get us to clean at weekends as in split it so he does upstairs me downstairs for example and he used to go in a vile mood

Leave leave leave. Even a 50/50 split of one task and he acts like that?! Nothing worse than moody sulking and huffing and puffing and stropping from a grown man who is supposed to be your partner and being asked to do the bare minimum! I'm betting you get the silent treatment afterwards too.

All so he doesn't have to shift his lazy arse.

He'll expect this even when you do more hours and earn more, they'll be excuses as to why you still need to do it all. You'll be spending all your extra earnings on more household help. Fuck that!

I bet if you dare to complain about the unequal distribution of housework, cooking etc he basically calls you a whinge.

No you're not unreasonable. I absolutely detest people that don't see the value in unpaid work done at home / for family. I say this as a woman whose husband does more as my job is more demanding time wise despite being paid less than my husband!

My sister was married to someone like this. It didn't get better. Once he thought she was "locked in" because the kids and he was pushing for more, he escalated. She's a teacher and he was (is) insanely jealous of the holidays and viewed her job as a joke/part time constantly berating her. Also as he has a penis house work/ childcare / all drudge work was for her to do...

I'm not saying LTB, but you need to sit down and have a calm conversation to see if he is capable of being reasonable. Suspect not if he is having at tantrum about boiling himself some pasta when you've been bloody sick. Either way once you have the conversation you'll know whether things can improve and where you go from there.

No, pp is right, he sounds vile.

I couldn’t stay married to someone like this.

This is an important comment.

Lots of posters on here will tell you to LTB or make you feel like you really fucked up picking a bad one to co-parent with.

But from conversations I’ve had with friends from all backgrounds and in all income brackets, the vast majority of them are simply useless. Most of us are going through a version of this - to a lesser or greater extent. Those that are not are genuinely the outliers.

It is a huge structural issue around the definition of “work” in the male mind.

I don’t have an answer for you. I haven’t left my DH because in therapy I’ve been able to identify the strengths of our relationship alongside the weaknesses - they may be easy to forget when I’m feeling rageful but they do really matter to me.

But I still have occasional fantasies like you do of living alone with the kids. And if my relationship ended (divorce or bereavement) I would never share my home with a man again. It’s simply not worth it.

Do, however, start by addressing the way he communicates with you. He may feel frustrated but there are was to express that without muttering under his breath etc

The other thing you can do is go away on a holiday with friends for 4 days. That focuses the mind about the amount you’re doing - I like to do it now and again

Being a single parent is easier. Not just the household jobs but also feeling free, having free will, not having a massive stroppy manchild to pander to. To manage their emotions. Hes treating you like his mum, doing everything for him.

Also, youre already doing extra work as an SEN mum, your doing more than too much