Should I be expected to make dinner every single night?

[Comingtoarealisation]

And do everything else?

Dh works Mon-Fri-8-4.30

I work less atm, three afternoons per week, this is due to increase to five days from mid February

I bring in roughly half what Dh does

We have a 6 year old Dc with special needs.

I do all drop offs and pick ups, all school and drs related things, cook every night and do dc breakfast and Dh lunch. I also cook at the weekends and most breakfast and lunches, *sometimes Dh will do for Dd-not for me. I do all food planning and food shopping. I do all washing, picking dog poo up, keeping house tidy, dog walks, vets etc. I do all bills each month.
I have a cleaner every fortnight for four hours to do a full clean of the house (pay for this out of my pay, I don’t have beauty treatments, nails done, rare nights out or new clothes)
House is always tidy, dinner ready for everyone after work etc.
Recently not been well and also looking after dc who is not well.
Dh came home today, went in kitchen to look for dinner, asked what are we having for dinner (in a moody way) I said I didn’t want anything and i’d asked dc and they didn’t (not feeling well)
Cue, storming around and putting pasta in a pan to boil, huffing and puffing. It’s literally just that with a stir in sauce. Says something horrible under his breath, so I shout back ‘It’s just putting pasta in a pan’ he responds ‘Yes, it is isn’t it?!’ and that he’s been working all day and I shout back ‘And I work too and do everything else!’

He acts like this a lot and i’m sick of it, I do mainly everything else because I work a lot less and that’s fair enough, but hate the fact it’s expected and hate the drudgery of it sometimes

I’m due to make more than him from February and feel like shoving it back in his face

I actually keep imagining living on my own (obviously with dc) in a nice little apartment/house where I can come and go as I please and only have to be responsible for making food for dc and not an expectant grown man capable of doing it himself, how would he cope on his own?! He’d have to shop, cook, clean, pay bills etc.
He wants me to be the one doing all that AND working the same too

Aibu

From what you've said, it sounds as if when you sit him down for a division of household tasks meeting prior to you going back to work full-time, that he'll continue to act like an immature man-child by huffing and puffing and being generally vile.

I would get the ICK with someone like that. It's pathetic. To huff and puff over having to make your own dinner when your wife & DC are unwell? What a lazy dick.

Honestly, you're probably better off divorcing, he sounds a complete lazy slob.

And before you even decide what to do about this, I'd immediately STOP picking up his dirty coffee cups, leave them where they are. He's such an entitled prick.

He sounds like my ex too. In fact he was a chef and they are cunts. I did everything for about 10 years, then left him.
Life so much easier, now me and the teen ds take turns to cook, we laugh, have a joke, eat mostly st home or treat ourselves to a takeaway.

Don't put up with this shit. Or he does half, or you must reevaluate your marriage. If not, you will end up bitter resentful and burnt out.

Accurate

You can’t fix this one, beceause he is mean, selfish, thoughthless and expects more of others thank he expects of himself. Those are all fundamental ingrained character traits.

Yes- you are a SAHM which includes all catering duties.

LOL, what does he think happens in families where both parents work?

Well in mine.. we both took a fair share of household tasks including cooking.

I think you need a calm discussion away from the moment when anything is needing doing.

Show him the list of things you do and discuss how you can both have equal relaxation time.

Ask how he thinks things should be divided, and why. Ask an open question. Explain how it makes you feel when he takes it for granted that you will do things for him

Try and come to an agreement that you think is fair.

If he is having none of it then time to take tougher tactics.

I work part time, and from home, so therefore do more of the housework and cooking. But DH pulls his weight. He'll cook a couple of nights a week or weekends. Does his own lunchbox and mine if it happens to be an office day. I do nursery drop off he does pick up, unless he gets caught up at work or the traffic is bad (works an hour away and in a role where sometimes he just has to stay, there's people's safety dependent on him). Cleans the bathroom, vacuums more often than I do, cleans the carpet, sorts the cars, fixes stuff, heavy lifting in the garden etc.

Basically, we have a conversation that was along the lines of "how do we see this working" every time there's a change in things. This has mostly over the last few years been changes to my working life/routine, although one was his change.

We start it by working out what needs to happen to make sure everyone is everywhere they need to be on time, home at the most reasonable time and fed. Then we work out from there. It usually starts with me saying "we need to talk about how X will impact life" and then laying out the changes and requirements (me because a. I think through every possible scenario and b. it's been my changes that trigger it more often than not).

You're a human and deserve to be treated as such. He's an adult who lives in the house. If you did go off and live alone with DC, he'd have to feed himself daily and wash his own clothes. Point that out if needs be. It's not your job to look after him. It's both of your jobs to make your lives easier and nice.

I work too and do every other thing…is that expected?

She's NOT a SAHM. Her working hours are clearly stated in the OP.

I know you're not a SAHM but even if you were, it shouldn't be "expected" that you do 100% of the cooking. It certainly wasn't the case in our household. Being a SAHM is 24/7 and can be challenging at times, there's no reason why someone working 40hrs per week cannot also contribute by cooking and doing housework.

@Comingtoarealisation i work 40+ hours a week husband works 10-15. I tend to cook 4 nights out of 7.

I wouldn't be cooking his tea tomorrow night either after that.

What does / would he do if you were away for a few days for work or a personal trip? Does he cope ok then ?

That little fantasy you have with just you and DC in a nice little house or apartment… make it real! This man is lazy and will never improve. It will probably get worse when your hours increase too.

I’m mid 40s no kids and haven’t been married. I’m seriously wondering whether being married or even cohabiting even appeals to me.

I look at my mum in her 70s who cooks probably 360 days of the year while my dad sits on his arse doing sweet fa.

No thank you!

Honestly do your hours really work that way? Or are you pressuring yourself and committing less at work to get home by then? I’d be very very keen in your shoes to work later than him at least one day a week.

even if you don’t, you say we haven’t had the conversation about how we split the house side when I’m back at work more. I may have to work later one or two days a week, but either way I’ll need you to cook 2 days a week, can you think about which days suit best? And I’ll check with work on days I might not be home first.

i am full time,
we both work much longer hours than you two. My dh leaves work early to pick up the dc and I mostly get home about 7 on office days as I don’t get in till 9:30 after the drop off. So he does dinner. He often does bath and bed too, while I do meetings / exercise/ occasionally go out even. If he wanted to strop about that I’d want a divorce, because if I’m working full time I’m not going to parent like I don’t have a job unless I’m a single mum. I would raise his strop to a nuclear explosion and not cook for him again until he got the fuck over himself. My dh also makes me lunch when he makes the dc lunch on the weekend!!

Just tell him. Upfront.

I'm cooking 4 nights a week from now on. Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday. You can either cook the other nights or get US a takeaway. And if he doesn't do one of the options, cut your cooking nights down too. 'Oh, I thought we weren't sticking to the routine. Let me know when you're ready to start again.'

And don't deviate. He'll bitch, moan and sulk. But eventually, he'll get used to it.

This too! Just feed your DC before DH gets home and say you're not hungry.

Why should OP do all cooking duties, it’s not like DH gets in late. He could quite easily cook a meal during the week and he could certainly cook at weekends.

What parenting does he do @Comingtoarealisation

We alternate bedtimes every other night, I can’t actually think of other parenting things 😬 I do her bath and hair wash, he helps with her homework if she asks, sometimes takes her out at the weekend

@Comingtoarealisation does he know who your DD’s best friend is, who her teacher is, favourite food?

It isn't. You need to stop only answering the people criticising you and take on board what most people are saying.

I was a stay-at-home mum for years because we had several children. My husband worked hard, but the first thing he said as he walked through the door each evening was, "What can I do to help?"

And please don't listen to posters who say he was a complete outlier. He's just a regular decent father and husband. Yours, on the other hand, sounds like a selfish, entitled nightmare.

I would have one one serious conversation with him, laying out what needs to change. And if that had no effect, I would leave him. You already sound unusually passive and accommodating and somewhat ground down. That's no way to live your one precious life.

Reading comprehension is important. She very clearly states she works.

Also, pull yourself out of the 1950's. It is no one's "duty" to cater for another grown adult. Grown adults who live independently are able to feed themselves, particularly where it's a one off when the rest of their house feels unwell.

This.

Because I'm mostly WFH and DH does pick up at the moment, often they get in and I'm part way through dinner prep. DH asks where I need him.

If I'm still logged on (sometimes I get engrossed, caught up or there's just a lot to do, depending on where I am in a project) he'll come in, look at the weekly menu and start dinner.

Sorry, the whole point of having a SAHM is to support the working parent by taking on the load of catering, childcare, cleaning and household duties.

It makes zero sense to have a situation where the OP’s DH is funding a SAHM who is then not doing the cooking.