Should I be expected to make dinner every single night?

[Comingtoarealisation]

And do everything else?

Dh works Mon-Fri-8-4.30

I work less atm, three afternoons per week, this is due to increase to five days from mid February

I bring in roughly half what Dh does

We have a 6 year old Dc with special needs.

I do all drop offs and pick ups, all school and drs related things, cook every night and do dc breakfast and Dh lunch. I also cook at the weekends and most breakfast and lunches, *sometimes Dh will do for Dd-not for me. I do all food planning and food shopping. I do all washing, picking dog poo up, keeping house tidy, dog walks, vets etc. I do all bills each month.
I have a cleaner every fortnight for four hours to do a full clean of the house (pay for this out of my pay, I don’t have beauty treatments, nails done, rare nights out or new clothes)
House is always tidy, dinner ready for everyone after work etc.
Recently not been well and also looking after dc who is not well.
Dh came home today, went in kitchen to look for dinner, asked what are we having for dinner (in a moody way) I said I didn’t want anything and i’d asked dc and they didn’t (not feeling well)
Cue, storming around and putting pasta in a pan to boil, huffing and puffing. It’s literally just that with a stir in sauce. Says something horrible under his breath, so I shout back ‘It’s just putting pasta in a pan’ he responds ‘Yes, it is isn’t it?!’ and that he’s been working all day and I shout back ‘And I work too and do everything else!’

He acts like this a lot and i’m sick of it, I do mainly everything else because I work a lot less and that’s fair enough, but hate the fact it’s expected and hate the drudgery of it sometimes

I’m due to make more than him from February and feel like shoving it back in his face

I actually keep imagining living on my own (obviously with dc) in a nice little apartment/house where I can come and go as I please and only have to be responsible for making food for dc and not an expectant grown man capable of doing it himself, how would he cope on his own?! He’d have to shop, cook, clean, pay bills etc.
He wants me to be the one doing all that AND working the same too

Aibu

You need to give each task a description and score [1 = 1 hour of time] e.g.
Monday - make dinner - 1.0.

Total up the list and ask him to choose half of the total tasks to be completed.

He needs to pay 50% for the cleaner also.

I don't think it's acceptable for any adult to just be able to totally opt out of any responsibility for household tasks/childcare, no.

I also don't think it's acceptable to take a huff when your partner and child are unwell, just cause he has to make himself some pasta.

When will you get it in your head that she is NOT a stay at home mum?

And the language on you...look at sending her back to work? You think he can send her out to work like a child down the mines!?

I despair of what's for dinner.
I work ft, dh is medically retired.
He will cook if asked but generally he cooks stuff none if us like. If given direct instructions he'll cook what we will eat but I have to think about what it us so I might as well cook it.

But he does do all the cleaning, diy and dog walking.

I quit my job 2 weeks ago due to stress and I’m not planning on getting another for a while. Partner works as a teacher and we have 3 yo twins. If he came home from work one day and id not cooked he would either cook or order and tell me it’s not a big deal. Because he’s such a good partner I make sure I cook all his fave foods and made him a carrot cake this week. Why do men not bloody realise if they didn’t act like babies they would get a lot more from us?! You’re husband sounds awful I’m sorry.

People keep telling you that OP isn't at home full time but you keep ignoring them. It's in OP's original post:

'I work less atm, three afternoons per week, this is due to increase to five days from mid February.'

OP asked him to make one evening meal when she was feeling ill and he had a tantrum. Her DH isn't her boss.

That's why I'm single.

Good luck OP

This. It’s not going to get better.

He finished work at 4:30pm?! That’s practically mid afternoon. He has loads of time to contribute to the housework.

@Comingtoarealisation why should you ?
write a list of what needs doing and who is going what . Your doing drop
off and pick up he’s does dinners . Or he does half the week . Then you get a lay in Saturday and he does Sunday .

If not then split and have less load on your plate .

@Comingtoarealisation

We’ve just falling into our roles at home tbh.

I do washing, ironing, putting away. Cleaning (but never on top of this!). Clothes shopping for all of us. Booking activities, packing for holidays, general school and family admin. Food shop away. Cook Mon-Thurs.

DH drives the kids round - everyday it’s somewhere, puts bins out, takes dog to groomers once a month and day-care weekly, does the weekly food shop (I hate this!). Cook Fri - Sun.

Then there’s the joint jobs - feed dog, dog walks, clean kitchen daily and when kids were younger both sat and played or helped with homework and shared putting them to bed / stories.

We both work FT and if one of us is absolutely knackered or just needs a night-off, the other one steps-in and covers the cooking.

Looking back OP, I think I trained my DH a bit when kids were small to take on 50/50, otherwise I wouldn’t have coped.

Once kids move out, we’ve already said we don’t think we’ll ever cook again! It’s no longer therapeutic but an awful daily chore!

@Comingtoarealisation

Split jobs based on yours and DHs likes and dislikes. For the joint dislikes, they become joint jobs - so have set days each of you cook. Also find a joint like and do that together- like walking the dog at the weekend.

Pin the job split up in your kitchen so each of you are aware who’s doing what and when! If sick the other person steps-up.

Start now, so you’re well adjusted before your new job kicks-in in Feb.

He sounds like he has got used to a certain level of ‘service’. While it’s easy to take the other person and the things they do for granted, it’s how one or the other of you reacts when you have to step in to cover illness that indicates what the underlying attitude is.
i was with someone like that for ten years. He has been an ex for 25 years! The fella I am with now is so far from all that, and frankly I had no idea that decent men existed before I met him ( I grew up with co dependant parents so didn’t get the best modelling). The key thing is that I have very rarely resented doing anything for him in all the years we have been together, because I know he will do it all for me, if I ask, or simply because he sees it needs doing. He is basically an adult. Sometimes if we are both ill it’s tricky as neither of us wants to do much for ourself let alone the other, but we manage to be ill in shifts for the most part. The point is there is no behaving like a child if things arnt getting done.

don’t give up your job, it sounds like you are an amazing teacher and god knows we need decent SEN teachers, and the career opportunities as you gain more experience will improve, plus it’s not an area that is likely to be swallowed by AI (unlike supermarket and office work and many professions). Follow your path, maybe get a cleaner for the short term if you can afford it as it will relieve the pressure immediately and you may find you care less about what he is doing on his days off ( you may still find him a general arsehole though, maybe that’s just permanent now, but you never know).
good luck with your career - I’m pretty sure most people have no idea how much more of a job it is teaching SEN compared to mainstream (which let’s face is pretty full on). Those kids are lucky you switched (I’m biased as I had a kid in SEN, so bar the odd dud, most of the teachers were outstanding).

Tbh working 3 afternoons a week i would expect to do the lion's share but we tend to eat later on an evening so wouldn't have DH expecting to be fed. When I went back to work 3 days a week we would prepare leisurely, have a glass of wine and DC had their meals earlier.

I can understand he was hungry but surely he could have a snack and wait?

Batch cook, heat up and bam, there you go for an easier life, or make him wait! Xxx

Or, grown man feeds himself?

A lot of people don’t understand how much mental and physical work goes into running and maintaining a house/family & unfortunately your husband is one of them.
I don’t know if this will work for you but it did for me. Get a load of toilet rolls. Each one represents a task re the house & your daughter, eg. Planning the weekly meals, shopping, laundry etc etc. He has the toilet rolls that he does and so do you.
It may sound weird but there is a physical image to the ‘load’ that you are both carrying. So when he wants a medal for reading a story, but you get one too. It can also be a conversation about what things he can take off you.
Hope this makes sense & helps.

Of course that too. Xx

I don't understand any woman who puts up with this these days. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

SilkySquirrel, you are either seriously lacking in intelligence, or being deliberately obtuse. OP works, she pays for a cleaner, her useless OH frankly needs to be told not to let the door hit him on the way out. Soon she will be earning more than him. I suspect they already split every bill 50/50 but that isn't mentioned.
She is not a SAHM, but even if she were, that is no excuse for him to be a lazy POS. The male loneliness epidemic is caused by men like this one, and frankly they deserve it.
There are decent men out there, but being single is far better than living with this level of disrespectful misogyny.

Your going back full time so he needs to do his fair share now this needs to be discussed and put into practice before you go back. Child care also needs reevaluation.

He's a nasty vile pig.
Start planning on getting out.
Say nothing.
Talk to domestic abuse charities for support.
This doesn't have to be your life.
He sees you as the house skivvy, not allowed to be sick even one day.
Pigs like him don't change.
Get back to work full-time and start withdrawing money quietly.
Start looking for that apartment and get out.
You deserve better.

Are you trolling? 😂 You've been told multiple times they both work, she's not a SAHP.