To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

It seriously blows my mind that people seem to think it's a valid comparison.

The “they” business is because the thread is about the cat, not the toddler so keeps their part in it as neutral as possible. And which you agree, is not really relevant.

Thank you for highlighting I can’t just ‘move’ the cat. Only people who have these type of cats know it’s not possible to move a cat who doesn’t want to be moved.

We will take steps to get the cat seen to about any further health conditions and manage better the ones she has. PTS will only be a decision for my DP based on the vet outcome. I can’t and won’t suggest it myself.

I was thinking the same thing! Some folk on this thread are batshit crazy and that’s saying something for mumsnet!

There are now different types of feliway - it’s worth another try.

have to say, I really struggled reading and understanding your post due to the use of the word they to refer to - I think - one person.

Have you tried anything like Feliway plug-ins? We used them when we got two of the 4 we have now as the established cats were not v accepting. It did help a bit.

I would also create safe spaces for the cat - put up some comfy shelves for them to curl up on, play on, run around on etc. She might react well to having spaces where she’s with you but no-one will touch her when she’s up on a shelf and she knows she’s absolutely safe and in control. Cats like being high up, able to survey their domain.

Come on now, all the OP needs to do is include the cat in any futute family planning discussions, install indoor CCTV, hire a cat therapist, do not disturb the cat when its in its in your favourite chair, allowing the cat to roam freely around the house and remove toddler from the room every time the cat enters, let the toddler get scratched to teach them about the cats boundaries or explode her family by breaking up with her DH so the furry psycho can live out its days in a perfect sanctuary of calm.

I will look into this, and other brands and types others have posted about.

Child = they, just to keep them neutral
Cat = she, subject of thread 😊

Pretty easy and straightforward when you put it like that.

Don't forget she also should be rehoming the toddler due to last one in first one out 🤣

I have a spicy cat who has no tolerance and I (gently but firmly) swipe her paw back/away from me and stand up to her but shouting will make her more anxious. She knows now that I won’t tolerate her antics. We all go get a little treat when she is turning feral and she will switch back into a nice cat for 10 mins for you to escape her

some cats are just like this. I also struggle with mine as well I don’t know the answer but she no longer scratches anyone

That's completely fair. I got very frustrated with my mum and stepdad because they kept their poor dog alive when he was so clearly suffering. SD even acknowledged PTS would be the right thing to do but "it was too upsetting". In the end my sister had to take him in for his last appt, so the poor dog didn't even have his person there in his final moments.

I think some owners are so blinded by the love they have for their pets it can make them a bit selfish, and someone needs to have that difficult conversation with them. I absolutely get that you don't want to be that person. I wouldn't either.

Nope. Not me. I have loved every single day. Don’t project any nonsense on me, just because you feel differently. I have never understood anyone complaining about motherhood (ppd aside).

@Derbee

ooh aren’t you good?? Your medal is in the post. Women complain because it’s hard and boring and thankless at times. That’s the truth and women are allowed to acknowledge it.

Don’t be a dick @Cherrytree86 . I’m responding to a poster who told me my opinion and my lived experience is bullshit.

Everyone has their own reality. It’s not for anyone to police anybody elses. That’s my point. No medal needed. But certainly no medal deserved for petty posts like yours

🤣🤣
Dont forget to go back in time and not have had her child because the cat comes first always

Would your partner be happy rehoming the old girl?

I hope so, then him and his gorgeous cat can live out their lives in peace.

Dunno who's gonna want to take in an adult human though...

Your peace matters. Your child’s safety matters most. A partner should not expect you to sacrifice your mental health, or accept injuries to your child, to preserve the status quo.

Oh, and not to have moved in with DP in the first place or even met him!
we should all stand still in time and not live. Then this issue would never had happened.
😂

It's clearly not 'every' reply saying she is BU. Maybe you need to working on your reading comprehension if this is how you're interpreting the thread.

I think the OP is 100% reasonable. I'd have had the cat PTS the first time it scratched my child (and I have several cats and adore them as creatures, but not above my human children ffs)

Some people are absolutely mad. 'Just teach your child not to touch the cat'. Children don't develop impulse control until much later than the OP's 17m old child. That's why we have issues with hitting, biting and other unwanted behaviours until kids are 3/4/5 sometimes. If children could follow instructions perfectly from 17m old then parenting small children would be a very different experience to what it actually is!

It may take a long long time yet for the small child to understand how exactly to behave around the cat - and even then it sounds like you only have to look at it wrong to get a swipe. I sympathise hugely OP. My dog is reactive, my 3yo has been taught from day 1 how to be around her, and we still police their every interaction intensely because even though he knows what he should be doing, he's still only 3 and can do something insane at literally any moment in the day.

I didn’t say every reply was a BU. I said she’s replied to each one to argue it.

I’ve read all your posts Op, but not all those from the contributors so I may be suggesting things that have already been said.

I know the type of cat you are describing. I haven’t had one like that myself, but can remember two from my past which were loved and feared in equal measure, and had to be treated with great care and respect. Neither household had young children added to the mix, it must be really worrying for you. I can’t see how this cat and the toddler can live together without causing an unacceptable amount of extra worry and stress for you All.

It’s clear from your posts that you are very caring towards both the cat and DP in that you’ve been jumping through hoops to try and keep them both happy, at the expense of your own mental wellbeing. The lengths you are going to, to keep your toddler safe, and to protect DP from facing a horrible decision about the cat’s future, are admirable. You’ve even started this thread to try and get further advice, rather than just following through on your instinct that maybe enough is enough, and had to deal with the more unhelpful comments on here. You’re an extremely considerate partner, mother and cat lover who is trying to keep everyone safe and happy, but you also have to think of yourself and your toddler’s best interests. I adore cats but couldn’t live with the way things are in your household. It sounds extremely stressful and isn’t fair on any of you.

The first step of getting a thorough vet check and advice from them sounds good, I would go along with DP to make sure the ‘cat character’ issues were thoroughly covered as well as the cat’s health … the vet will probably have heard of similar cats and may have some tips.

I would contact the local cat rehoming charity and ask that they put up a profile for your cat with a view to adopting her directly from your home. It’s a small chance but you may find someone. Not everyone can commit to a cat for its natural lifetime so an older person, or e.g. someone who can only really see a stable situation for themselves for a few years ahead because of career plans etc, may want to care for a cat in its last years. I’ve usually gone for older cats just because they are so hard to rehome, and I’ve had wonderful experiences with them. Also some people want a cat but have less time than they’d like, so a very independent cat works for them. It’s worth a try and you’ve nothing to lose. I’ve adopted a cat directly from its home, via a rehoming centre, so it’s a thing.

I would also ask DP’s dad to take the cat for as long a period as he can, just to give you all a break from it. Two weeks would be good, you sometimes need to get away from a problem before you can think it through clearly. It would throw a massive light on how you’ve all been living and may help DP see things differently.

Good luck with it all, and good for you for trying so hard to resolve such a difficult, heart wrenching problem XX

We tried to manage similar, but then my toddler was scratched across the face, luckily his eye was shut but he had a scratch from forehead to mouth.
We contacted a rescue centre and someone took him into foster. The what ifs after that incident haunt me 3 years on. He's still scarred on the forehead.

I’m a huge cat lover, but I think this situation can’t go on, not with a toddler in the house.

I had to rehome a cat for similar reasons, some years ago now. He was aggressive towards my DDs (then 10 and 7) and I was genuinely concerned that it was getting progressively worse. He would guard the stairs.

There was also the concern that one of my DDs’ friends, who visited frequently then, might end up getting hurt by the cat.

In addition, there was constant fighting and spraying (we had 3 other cats) and we were paying out a fortune on Feliway plug-ins, which didn’t really work. The other 3 cats all got on well, but the aggressive cat kept attacking them and blocking them from coming upstairs.

So in the end, I found a lovely new home for the cat in question, where he was a single cat and he settled in very well there.

However, my cat was only 6 years old. I’m aware that it would be much harder to rehome an 18 year old cat who is aggressive. You should consult the vet and get the cat checked out for any health problems that might explain the behaviour (he might be in pain as has been suggested; he is arthritic after all). I also recommend Vicky Halls’ books on cat behaviour and ways of understanding it, and what can help change it.

And yes, you could ask your FIL if he’d be willing to have the cat full-time, but he might not want to make such a commitment.

If there is really nothing that can be done, then it might be time for PTS, the cat has had a long life and doesn’t appear to have any quality of life the way things are now.

The cat is a very old lady in cat years, she may not be around much longer so she deserves to live out the rest of her life with the human who has been hers since a kitten. As she's old, her eyesight may not be the best (we had one who was very short sighted) either. Get a baby gate so cat can stay in kitchen but still see you. Make sure she has places where she can tuck herself away out of toddler's reach if she needs to.