To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

Sounds like everyone is failing this cat.

Get a sedative from the vet.

Take it to the vet sedated.

Get it checked again.

Ask about cat prozac. And try feliway again.

All its been up to now is a lot of not trying very hard to help the situation and excuses.by the sound of it.

Oh yes she's just been giving birth after fertility treatment, suffering with PPD and desperately separating mad unpredictable cat and child.
Not trying very hard.

Another ridiculous comment.
Go and give your head a wobble.

Sorry I missed that the birth is still ongoing. My bad.

Seems you missed that i said everyone has failed the cat, not just her.

@Megifer

yeah because we all know life is soooo much easier once the birth is over

this cat has made life hard for itself, by being so aggressive

Once again, I said everyone has failed the cat.

I dont even know how to respond to your point about the cat bringing this on itself. But it does nicely bring us back round to op/DH could be doing more to help the situation IMO

You appear to have done nothing to better understand and adjust the cat’s behaviour. Go and read both Vicky Halls’ books of case studies on cats. Then hire a cat behavioural expert. You don’t get to do nothing and then complain it’s too hard.

@Megifer

well it has brought it on itself 🤷‍♀️

You don’t sound like a cat person despite what you e said. You sound like you’ve always resented the poor cat. Rescue cats and those with past negative experiences often behave like this. You sound like you’re expecting the cat to behave like a dog. The cat can’t help it, and it’s not her fault you introduced a new baby who is now hurting her and pulling her tail etc.

You should definitely teach your child not to handle the cat as if it’s a toy.

It sounds very stressful OP!

I think it's worth asking grandad if he would have the cat, especially as cat is used to going to his house.

My other advice is perhaps give it 6 months and see where you are. Kids come on in leaps and bounds over that time. I remember various problems at the baby/toddler stage that seemed insurmountable but then just resolved as the kid got a bit older. In 6 months you might find they have totally understood "No touching the cat" "No putting your face near the cat" "Give the cat space" and that things are much easier.

I also had a strange phenomenon when my kids were babies/toddlers, that I became temporarily much less tolerant of, and less fond of, pets (and also of kids who were slightly older than mine). This perturbed me as I usually love animals and kids. I honestly think it was a biological thing, probably to make us ultra protective of our small child. Now my kids are a bit older, I like animals and kids again, even the cranky and annoying ones. So again you might find the problem seems less bad when your child is out of the toddler stage.

If no solution works then I do agree PTS is not the worst outcome for an 18 year old cat with arthritis, but your DP would have to be on board.

Good luck

At 18, the cat obviously won’t have long left. We’re talking two years at absolute best, I think the oldest cat I’ve ever known was my Gran’s and she made it to 20 but by that point was absolutely fucked and barely moved.

I just don’t see the use in attempting to re-home a cat this old. Sometimes older pets are given to elderly people as a companion which is nice but your cat doesn’t really like being petted so wouldn’t be a great friend!

@whomoon you knew what the car was like before you moved in , you also knew what the cat was like before you had a baby .
You cannot get rid of an 18 year old cat .

The cat’s not that bad, oh apart from attacking their child and leaving scars. But that’s ok because it’s just a silly old kitty.

If it was a dog it would have been PTS after it attacked a child. What’s the difference?

Let me help you out, there is no difference. The cat should be PTS for everyone’s sake.

I am a cat person. I’ve had 10 cats through my life. All mild, non spicy so this cat is definitely the odd one out here. The cat can’t help it like you say, doesn’t mean I have to be okay with that and not be frustrated and fed up.

Why do I expect the cat to act like a dog? I’m not treating it like a dog, how does it sound like I do?, I’m putting up with it because it’s a cat. I would be slammed if I was putting it up with if it was a dog.

Child doesn’t treat cat like toy, you’ve created that in your mind I think. Child doesn’t go near cat to pull tail or hurt her as you have imagined. That hasn’t been said here.

@Imbusytodaysorry

she can though 🤷‍♀️ whatever you or anyone else says. There is no law against it.

How on earth are peeps prioritising the cat over the safety of a child?

This is without doubt the craziest thread I’ve ever read on here and I’ve been around years.

That’s fair, I can only see what’s happening now and haven’t thought of toddler growing up and understanding what to do and not to do with cat. that will alleviate some of my stresses I’m sure as toddler learns more how to be around the cat.
I appreciate that perspective, thank you!

Your toddlers safety is the paramount concern. We are not talking about the odd scratch that heals for doing something unreasonable, this cat sounds psychotic.
You cannot be permanently present, things will happen (with any animal) but this cat sounds highly unpredictable and not restrained in it's behaviour in the least. Many cats will show their displeasure without causing any real harm but this doesn't seem to be the case. I've had many cats and around children, and there is a learning curve with a normal cat that restrains its behaviour and crucially sees the toddler and leaves to a quiet spot. This does not sound like this cat.
You're not over reacting, the consequences could be severe. If the swipe is at their face for example it could get their eyes, this could be permanent damage.
Your DH sounds like he might see the problem but is avoiding it?
First port of call is the vet, they might have something to help. After that I think a conversation has to be had, accepting there isn't a good outcome in this whatever you decide. It's not a good situation but he's a parent and that sometimes means making tough choices because it's the right thing for your child. Not you, other people or the cat.
Also, from experience of children and cats this is not a short term issue, unless the unfortunate cat demises in the near future, you have years of keeping them separate. Good luck. X

Tbh with you, shutting the cat up and isolating it in rooms is going to stress it out so much and probably make its behaviour so much worse. I honestly think it sounds like it would be less stressful for you to let the cat have free roam and make sure your little one doesn’t go near the cat than it is at the moment with all the shutting doors and cat scratching at them to be let out. You’re with your toddler 24/7 anyway, they’ll learn quicker not to go near the cat much quicker if they’re actually around the cat. But I do understand that it would be stressful trying to make sure they don’t go near the cat until that point.

any shooing is going to make it a lot worse as well. Does your cat like any specific treats that you can lead her away from places with? Has she got any toys that you can redirect her aggression towards? E.g. if she goes for your legs have you got anything dangly that you can drag along the floor for a bit until the ‘locked in’ mode passes?

If the cat has arthritis then is it in pain? Maybe it needs meds to manage it? Likely won't last much beyond 19 anyway. I'd get this checked with the vet.
We had a cat was similar when my son was born but she mellowed. She now allows normal touching but isn't a lap cat. If it hadn't have changed and she had been 18, had health issues, and couldn't have passed her onto someone i knew would care for her, I would have put her down.

Why

Why can't she

It's hurting her and it's hurting her child

While I agree this "they" business is odd, it's not really relevant is it?

"You can just move the cat". "It's as simple as that."

No, she can't "just move the cat". The stupid bloody creature won't tolerate this simple solution.

I love cats, I have them myself but THIS one sounds awful to live with, and is likely suffering to boot. Rehoming is not an option, and the child is at risk from a volatile and aggressive animal. Let's not sugar coat it by calling it "spicy"; that's pathetic.

There's only one option left, which is PTS. Either this cat has a good few years left (and some do live into their 20s, so that could happen), in which case that's too long for OP to be walking on eggshells in her own home, putting her child at risk, and struggling even more with her MH. Or this cat is not long for this world anyway, in which case, save it the final pains and indignities that come with dying. The only one that will suffer here if cat is PTS is the DP. Literally everyone else will be happier, safer, and better off. You couldn't pay me to keep this cat alive at this point, it's cruel to pretty much everyone.

I think keeping toddlers and small pets separated is standard, or should be anyway.

We have two quite good natured cats. Our 18 month old is still kept away from them unless he’s very heavily supervised. As were all our older children until we were confident they could reliably stay calm with the cats and follow instructions.
Because they’re animals not toys.

Also what nonsense. That’ll be why no one goes on to have more children then?

I am a cat person, and I agree: some of them are nasty, ill-tempered little shits 🤷‍♀️

Animals are not monoliths. Cats each have their own individual personalities. So do dogs. This means some of them suck.