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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How much sympathy would you have for a colleague in this situation?

281 replies

Bloopbloopbleep · 20/01/2026 07:01

Colleague returned from maternity leave around a year ago.
Sleep deprivation still an issue and regularly at work having not slept. No SEN, just a kid who doesn't like to sleep.
Doing a fair job but not as good as pre-mat leave. More forgetful and less energetic but no major balls have been dropped yet.
If you were a colleague of this person, how much sympathy would you have and how much would they just annoy you?

OP posts:
LucyMonth · 20/01/2026 12:02

Honestly OP…there are loads of people getting plenty of sleep, no physical or mental health issues, under no particular stress who are completely incompetent or uninterested/lazy at work because it’s just who they are as a person.

Men aren’t making sure their hair is freshly washed and they have a full face of make up on for work…they are spending that time getting extra sleep. You’re fine.

Springbaby2023 · 20/01/2026 12:05

Just to send you sympathy OP, I was you for a long while. I didn’t get any sympathy - nor did I expect it - but equally I don’t think anyone judged me for my output, dark circles or caffeine intake. But just to give you some hope… just before Christmas my DS started sleeping through the night and has done since. He went from being up all night to sleeping through like a flick of a light switch. You will get there.

Uhghg · 20/01/2026 12:12

You have my full sympathies.

Being a mother and working is incredibly difficult, especially when you’re running on empty.

Do you have a DP?
Could you take it in turns and one of you go bed really early eg 6pm

Sleep and decent food are your priorities right now.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/01/2026 12:18

Dancingsquirrels · 20/01/2026 11:49

I'd have some sympathy

How much would depend to what extent the colleague was addressing the situation eg sleep training or making a rod for their own back

It's none of your business.

Have sympathy, or don't.

But don't make it conditional on the employee demonstrating what they are doing to deal with her DC's sleep issues.

(Of course if the situation changed and work / your work was being impacted, that's another conversation).

Pigletin · 20/01/2026 12:24

OP, don't worry about this. And I say this a a full time professional in the corporate world, also a mother of two (one autistic). Your life and your priorities have changed and it will take a minute for your body and your brain to adjust. The toddler years were the most difficult for me and I also had the brilliant idea to add a newborn to the toddler madness. I think it's normal to go through this and nothing to be worried about. I also have to say that my toddler was the same as yours when it came to his sleep...he slept enough hours but don't ask me what that took out of me. My toddler turned out to be autistic. I have some sort of trauma from those first years.

The only thing I would caution you long term is to be careful that your work ethic doesn't slip below what's acceptable. The guilt, shame and stress of going from an over achiever to a slacker because of what was happening at home was intense and it took me changing jobs to become myself again. You really don't want to go through what I did because I let work slip too much.

PurpleVine · 20/01/2026 12:25

EarringsandLipstick · 20/01/2026 12:18

It's none of your business.

Have sympathy, or don't.

But don't make it conditional on the employee demonstrating what they are doing to deal with her DC's sleep issues.

(Of course if the situation changed and work / your work was being impacted, that's another conversation).

Novel approach to being sympathetic! It's possible to have some, but only if you tell Moira in accounts exactly what's up, and explain exactly how you are fixing the problem. She'll decide whether you get a supportive smile or a cats bum face. People like this need a firm MYOB.

DoveTurtle · 20/01/2026 12:27

Doing a fair job but not as good as pre-mat leave. More forgetful and less energetic but no major balls have been dropped yet.

Sounds good enough to me. What benefit is there for her to be firing at per-mat levels?

EarringsandLipstick · 20/01/2026 12:34

PurpleVine · 20/01/2026 12:25

Novel approach to being sympathetic! It's possible to have some, but only if you tell Moira in accounts exactly what's up, and explain exactly how you are fixing the problem. She'll decide whether you get a supportive smile or a cats bum face. People like this need a firm MYOB.

Brilliant! Exactly this!!

FullLondonEye · 20/01/2026 12:49

Lardychops · 20/01/2026 09:22

Give over lol
I‘ve got 4 teens at home still, adults kids with 4GDC that I provide childcare for evenings, weekends and early mornings; a sister undergoing chemotherapy and elderly parents one of which who has onset dementia. I’m in full on menopause to boot!

I’ll be buggered if I’m picking up the slack for someone with a new baby who isn’t either tag teaming with her DH, paying for additional help or trooping on through and gritty silence just like the rest of us did!

Jog on love!!

I'm dealing with a similar load to you right now and it is nothing, absolutely nothing compared to having to deal with my eldest not sleeping. That made me physically and mentally ill and changed me as a person forever.

I like to think I would be sympathetic and supportive, having been there. Pre-children I'm sure I wouldn't have understood - I may have been sympathetic for a while but it would have worn off pretty quick. Now I know better and I'm just so grateful that I was in a position to not have to go back to full time work when it became clear that my child was (figuratively only, calm down) trying to destroy my sanity and kill me. I think a bigger issue is the fact that this is how so many women are forced to live now because we're not usually in a position to not work or to just hire a night nanny so someone else can deal with it. Of course it's not fair on colleagues to have to pick up the slack if someone really isn't handling their workload properly but the way we live today, mothers just giving up work isn't a solution either. Society needs to change but of course that's a different thread.

I want to comment on those pointing out that if she has another parent around this shouldn't all be on her because it isn't really that simple. I had/have a very supportive husband who would and did everything he could to help. Unfortunately I'm a light sleeper anyway, always have been - I can sleep upstairs and be woken just by the sound of a key being inserted into the front door downstairs. This meant that even sleeping apart so that my husband could deal with the nights I was woken by my child screaming so I still didn't get a decent night. Not just in the next room but on a different floor and the other side of the house, and even knowing he's dealing with it, it still isn't an easy thing to ignore and just go back to sleep. Sometimes she also didn't want him and could only be comforted by me. You also get into a bit of a vicious cycle or habit of not sleeping, so my child would go to my mother's for the night so we could both rest but then I'd automatically be woken several times during the night by my fucked up body clock and worried about my mother being able to comfort my baby and if they were OK. 50 hours without sleep? Yes, perfectly possible. My child did manage to get some sleep during that time due to sheer exhaustion but that doesn't mean I did because when I did manage to get her back to sleep, it would take me probably an hour to wind down and get back to sleep myself. Then within 30 minutes, maximum, she'd wake again. It was a similar cycle all day so there was no let up then even without having to go to work. I found I lost the ability to sleep properly at all after a while, as if my body had just forgotten how to do it even if I did have the opportunity.

I think those who aren't taking it seriously are those who haven't been there. I was terrified to have another child because of it.

On the plus side, @Bloopbloopbleep , having tried absolutely every trick you can imagine, I finally found a way to make my daughter sleep. She was three by then and I was just a shell of a person but I fixed it and I did learn to sleep and become a human being again. You'll get there too. Plus it doesn't really sound as if your colleagues have got anything to complain about. You're getting it done, you shouldn't have to feel you need to exceed normal standards.

santasbaubles · 20/01/2026 12:57

I would remember that we are all human beings, not work robots, and that sleep deprivation is a hell unlike any other and that work is not the be-all and end-all. I would be sympathetic and offering additional support. I manage a team of 8 people and this is absolutely how I run my team.

Dgll · 20/01/2026 13:07

It wouldn't annoy me at all. Insomnia and other sleep issues are incredibly common, so are children who are terrible sleepers, so a lot of people have experience of having to function on very little sleep and will be understanding.

Cakeandcardio · 20/01/2026 13:14

I would have a lot of sympathy. Especially if they don't have a lot of family support because that is brutal.

QuickPeachPoet · 20/01/2026 13:28

I would be pissed off.
If someone was in the office yawning and dragging her feet and this was having an impact on the rest of the team, it would annoy the hell out of me.
I would expect her to sleep train, share the load with her partner if she had one or consider her options.
And yes, I am a parent and have had to do all those things.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/01/2026 13:35

I know you said you didn’t want sleep help but things won’t improve till you makes changes and I get it’s hard a so tired

so surely best to tackle the problem and get a sleep trainer in @Bloopbloopbleep?

sleep deprivation is lawful and used as a form of torture

to the other part of question - parenting is tiring - do you have any support via a partner

it’s hard resettling back into work after ml but if what you do doesn’t impact on others then I wouldn’t worry about it - yes say dc isn’t sleeping well at the moment if Asked but don’t go on about it (not saying you do)

TheatreTheatre · 20/01/2026 13:36

OP - I see you have no partner helping out.

As an employer of a mainly female team I used to get fed up with managing women who took on ALL the childcare responsibilities - the impact of lack of sleep, all the child-sick days, while the Dad, employed elsewhere, did not.

The main thing from a manager / employer pov is that you get the job done and don't eff anything up more than anyone else does.

I think you are being hard on yourself.

Is there anyone amongst friends and family who could take your child while you catch up on sleep for a few hours at the weekend?

CarrieMoonbeams · 20/01/2026 13:37

Bloopbloopbleep · 20/01/2026 10:42

Oh gosh no, they sleep more than that- they just need a lot of support to stay asleep. No other parent and no support. Have tried literally everything (please no sleep tips - this isn't about this!!!) And I know it will get better as they do very occasionally sleep for longer stretches. This is very much what I signed up for so I am not complaining! Im just wondering if my looking tired/yawning/coffee and pro plus intake annoys anybody

Your last sentence made me really sad for you @Bloopbloopbleep . I don't have children and am not blessed with massive amounts of patience (towards people anyway, endless patience with animals!) but even I would appreciate that you're doing your very best.

Don't you think that your colleagues are asking from a place of kindness? Or sympathy? Or solidarity? Please don't make yourself feel even worse by worrying about what others might or might not be thinking/feeling. 🌹

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/01/2026 13:38

Complete sympathy ... it is very very difficult, been there.

Bloopbloopbleep · 20/01/2026 13:46

CarrieMoonbeams · 20/01/2026 13:37

Your last sentence made me really sad for you @Bloopbloopbleep . I don't have children and am not blessed with massive amounts of patience (towards people anyway, endless patience with animals!) but even I would appreciate that you're doing your very best.

Don't you think that your colleagues are asking from a place of kindness? Or sympathy? Or solidarity? Please don't make yourself feel even worse by worrying about what others might or might not be thinking/feeling. 🌹

Thank you x

And thank you to all responders, I am finding it very helpful to consider these perspectives.

The people who ask me how sleep is/offer tips - yes, I do 10000% believe they are coming from a place of kindness! Most have had bad sleepers themselves and fully get it. I more worry about senior staff/colleagues who may hear these conversations and consider this alongside my decidedly haggard appearance and change in energy levels from pre-mat leave. I feel like I went on mat leave as a high achiever and have come back decidedly different. I always wanted more than one baby and I wouldn't change mine for the world, but I know my life would go up in flames if I ever tried to have another given how hard the last 2 years have been wrt sleep deprivation. As I say, im coping and I know its just for a short time - I just never want to be seen as a moaner but also am maybe feeling guilty and insecure that my performance has been affected in that im no longer going above and beyond and doing the standard feels a lot harder than it used to be.

OP posts:
FullLondonEye · 20/01/2026 13:57

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/01/2026 13:35

I know you said you didn’t want sleep help but things won’t improve till you makes changes and I get it’s hard a so tired

so surely best to tackle the problem and get a sleep trainer in @Bloopbloopbleep?

sleep deprivation is lawful and used as a form of torture

to the other part of question - parenting is tiring - do you have any support via a partner

it’s hard resettling back into work after ml but if what you do doesn’t impact on others then I wouldn’t worry about it - yes say dc isn’t sleeping well at the moment if Asked but don’t go on about it (not saying you do)

'Get a sleep trainer in'? Do really think it's that easy?

Believe me, if it worked like that we would all do it. Yes, I agree that changes need to be made - for the OP's sake as much as her colleagues' - but it just doesn't work like that.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/01/2026 14:35

FullLondonEye · 20/01/2026 13:57

'Get a sleep trainer in'? Do really think it's that easy?

Believe me, if it worked like that we would all do it. Yes, I agree that changes need to be made - for the OP's sake as much as her colleagues' - but it just doesn't work like that.

I know many sleep trainers and they manage to turn things round and get the most unsettled bed hopping non sleeping children to learn how to fall asleep on own etc

without tears

just a suggestion

FullLondonEye · 20/01/2026 14:41

Yeah, I know a sleep trainer too. Didn't work.

Youspurnme · 20/01/2026 15:01

OP I know this wasn’t your question but could you afford a night or two with a night nanny? Would give you a chance for a decent sleep and might help DC learn some new habits. Some of these nannies are miracle workers (I had a non sleeper too) xx

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 20/01/2026 15:50

Loads. I’ve been that cream crackered colleague after maternity leave.

Salyexley · 20/01/2026 17:18

So lack of sleep due to a baby and you think you have a right to be annoyed?

Len4o · 20/01/2026 17:20

Only a mother of a child with sleep issues can understand sleep deprivation combined with the need to work like everyone else. I would offer my help at work but it would be great for her to get some help from family and friends at home,. Complaining about her or demanding more would be similar to kicking someone who is on the ground trying to get up.

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