Stranger writes a note re loud chat in café, who is BU?

[FrodoBiggins]

Just read this online and it sounded like a classic AIBU so thought the good citizens of Mumsnet democracy should be allowed to consider.

'A stranger handed me a note saying I was speaking too loud in a cafe - it was mortifying' Metro | News story

YABU - Team green pen - talking lady is BU and should shh
YANBU - Team cat owner - note leaver was nosey and pass agg

I think this is a case where one person being a wanker doesn't cancel out the other person's wankeriness.

TABBU (they are both being unreasonable).

If a stranger has been driven to give you a note about the volume of your voice then that shows that yes, you're far too loud. From time to time I've encountered people who talk very loudly, it's massively irritating, all you can hear is them. If you're in a public place, be aware that not everyone wants to hear your anecdotes.

There’s some extra info in the original Reddit thread from last week - she admits she’s often loud, particularly when excited etc and had been chatting for around 40mins or so. she sounds annoying tbh

I think the person probably was being too loud, but that the note passer is an arse. They're not the cafe police, and it was a really cowardly, passive-aggressive way of doing it: a very brief word would have been nicer. But ultimately, you can't actually control other people in a public space.

Ooooh, could you share it?

ESH.

I don't understand how to vote.

Having said that, I think the loud woman sounds like a PITA.

Agree that TABBU! She is probably quite annoying to be sat in close proximity to for any length of time but equally sometimes people are annoying, that’s the risk you take going out in public. As long as she wasn’t screaming profanities, it isn’t acceptable to police her volume.. imo.

Cat lady lost me at “she looked like the kind of person who would write like that.” Far more pass ag than a note.

Also the names of her cats.

Yes I think I'm erring towards, as @MyThreeWords put it, TABBU - although note giver might be conflict adverse rather than just shady. I do hate people with loud voices in shared spaces though, on par with people on their phones on a train so we can hear their half of their (never interesting) conversation.

Right 😂
I thought her handwriting was lovely!

Funnily enough I was in a busy cafe with my mum (late 60s) on Saturday.
She complained about the table next to us being too loud, and said she couldn't hear anything that my brother and I said. We thought they were fine. My mum also kept swinging between shouting whispering, so she clearly couldn't tell how loudly she was talking. She evidently has hearing issues and I wonder if the note writer and her friends had the same?
My mum would also be the sort of person to write a note, rather than just politely ask someone to keep it down, but she would have definitely given death stares first!

I must confess I once told a young woman on a plane who spoke at top volume and literally did not draw breath for 2hrs to STFU … Slightly more politely than that. But not much.

She was EXHAUSTING to listen to and pierced through my sound cancelling headphones with her utter inanity.

As someone whose natural volume isn’t particularly quiet (but nothing out of the ordinary) I have learnt to be really really tone my volume out and about. Other people should be aware too. Normally a surprised dirty look does the trick.

I believe Reddit calls it ESH - Everyone Sucks Here!

Ah yes so they do. Although i quite like TABBU. or TABBY to go with the cat theme. The Y can stand for ...yikes?

One of my friends is extremely loud, whenever we go out I notice people staring at her. We've gently tried to tell her to tone it down but it doesn't happen. It embarrasses and irritates me sometimes and I'm her friend, so I can only imagine how annoying it must be for people that really don't want to hear her stories

If she went to the Metro about it and had her picture published, she’s hardly that mortified is she?

I suspect cat lady/attention seeker is the annoying one here.

I got the feeling that she’s trying to grow instagram followers or some such influencer twaddle @minipie

So many people these days seem to lack self awareness in public spaces - walking down the street head down looking at phone and then being surprised when they need to move to one side, people playing videos etc with no headphones, people taking calls on speaker phone on the bus or train and people who talk very loudly or laugh raucously in restaurants with closely packed tables.

Based on this, I’d bet the speaker was loud.

I see nothing wrong with the note - I’d not confront someone in a cafe. I’d tell the staff perhaps.

The writer evidenced her claims by referring to the cats’ names.

I also see nothing wrong with the handwriting.

So based on that - I think the woman was loud and annoying. So Loud Speaker is the unreasonable one to me.

Here it is!

I work with someone who can be heard several rooms away at all times. Ironically, she's in charge of HR, so we can all hear everything about everyone. It's very annoying. I always avoid sitting anywhere near her at anything social as she makes me flinch every few seconds.

Legend, thanks.

Highlights

• that her husband made the post. Reminded me of that guy who was angry that his wife didn't get her grated cheese (just me?)
• the people saying that "we know the name of your cats" could be read as a threat 😂
• she was a FEW TABLES AWAY!!

I'm firmly team green pen now I know they weren't at the next table. Paulina needs to stop being excited about her "fur babies".

I absolutely hate being near to people who speak like they are performing in a school play.

That said, you can’t know if someone has a hearing impairment or special needs which means they are a bit louder.

You just have to click one of the options below the post

It's not just volume but tone - some people really do have much more piercing voices. Unfortunately, due to the pitch, it is often the case that higher (so usually female) voices carry more.

Some people are also better at ignoring background noise than others - I'm much better at it than my DH, who does struggle to talk/concentrate with even low-level background chatter.

So, to return to TABBU (agree I like the cat reference!) these two people may have been a perfect storm for each other through reasons they can't help, but they both also could have handled/moderated it better. Thus TABBU.

The cafe may have also been being a bit U - sometimes they have terrible acoustics because they've gone for everything being hard and trendy. So perhaps a case of TABBU-CAT: They Are Both Being Unreasonable - Cafe Also Troublesome.