Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

[BaronRock]

I really dont know if Im being unreasonable or if my gut is screaming at me for a reason.

Our ds is 4 and has Down syndrome. He starts school in September which is a whole other emotional thing. Hes a lovely little boy but toileting is a massive issue. He hates us changing him at the best of times. Always has. It causes huge distress and meltdowns, especially if hes tired or unwell.

H has been pushing hard for potty training because hes four now and starting school. He is really embarrassed about ds still being in nappies and he hates taking him out because changing him is such a nightmare. The changing tables are often too small, ds panics, kicks off, tries to run away. So H now pretty much refuses to take him anywhere on his own. If I cant go too, they just dont go.

This afternoon ds had done a poo in his pants. When we tried to change him he completely lost it. Crying, stiffening his legs, running away. He wouldnt let us near him. H started snapping and then shouting. He told him to fucking stand still. Hearing that aimed at my four year old made my stomach drop.

The more H shouted, the worse ds got. In the end he was hysterical and running from room to room so I said lets just put him in the bath. That was the only way we could clean him without physically holding him down. Even then ds was sobbing.

After his bath I put a nappy on him because he was exhausted and clingy and I couldnt face another battle. H shouted at me for doing that and said whats the point, youre just undoing it, hes never going to learn.

For background, weve had a horrible few days. Ds has had a cold and a stomach bug at the same time. Hes been uncomfortable and miserable and barely sleeping. Ive barely slept either because its mostly fallen on me to settle him. H is tired too but not in the same way.

After everything calmed down, H said he didnt sign up for this. That he knew having a disabled child would be hard but he didnt realise it would be like this. That everything feels like a constant fight and hes fed up.

All evening hes been off with ds. Ds has been trying to climb on him, sit next to him, get his attention and H has just not really acknowledged him. Not cruel, just distant. Ds doesnt understand and keeps trying, which breaks my heart.

This isnt a one off. H snaps at ds a lot. He expects him to understand and comply like a typical four year old and gets angry when he cant. Afterwards he feels guilty and shuts down, but in the moment ds takes the brunt of it.

I know H is grieving the child and life he thought we would have. I know the school thing is bringing a lot up. But ds is four. He didnt choose this. I cannot accept him being shouted at and sworn at for things he genuinely cant help.

I feel like Im constantly buffering between them. Protecting ds while trying to keep H stable. Im exhausted and starting to feel resentful and scared about the long term impact on ds.

Am I being unreasonable to think this has crossed a line? How do I handle this without blowing our marriage apart or allowing ds to be emotionally hurt?

I don’t think you can. He is emotionally hurting your DS, whether he means to or not.

I do feel for him, but it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, and he categorically cannot take it out on your DS. He is being cruel.

He wanted a child, as uncomfortable as it may be to accept, your current situation isn't what he imagined. There's no easy answer to this.

Sounds like your husband might need to some counselling or parenting courses aimed at parents of disabled children?

I think you're right and he's grieving the child and life he thought you'd all have. Have you suggested counselling to help him come to terms with the situation?

Jesus Christ. He is 4 and been poorly.

I had days with my kids like that, at that age and they didn't have additional needs.

Well you wouldn’t know then. Disability is another level.

You need to rethink the situation. It’s not working. It’s easy to say it should work, he should do it differently, he needs to do better- yes he does, but that doesn’t happen on its own.

You need a change of arrangement, maybe taking turns to be with DS, structure your time differently so that you both get breaks. Get your DH to work up to managing better by starting with some activities he feels more confident about.

It will only work if he actually wants it to.

Neither of you are wrong, but you both need help to manage things. Things are not working the way they are at the moment.

It sounds like your H needs some counselling to handle his emotions around having a child with disabilities, and parenting courses to help him handle your son and meet his needs.

Your son is going to have to be toilet trained before he starts school, and the sooner the better - don't put this off.

It sounds like either you will end the marriage or your H will end the marriage. He obviously can’t deal with your DS and DS is going to keep picking up on what your H is showing.

I’m so sorry OP the biggest hugs for your situation.

I feel so sorry for your son - being unwell and looking for comfort from his Dad. I’m stating the obvious here, but your son can’t help the fact that he has DS, I’m sure he’s an adorable little boy.
How can your husband look at himself in the mirror ?

Do you get any outside support ? Toilet training is not impossible for your DS, he may just be a bit older first . Many marriages are out under a strain when I child with extra needs comes into their life . As he says it is not what he expected his fatherhood to be . And I bet that he has no experience with a child like your son . He is not a bad person but his frustration and anger is not good for your boy . There are many groups you can contact including ones for parents of DS children . It might easier for your DH to learn from other fathers too .

My Ex was like this. Turned out he was autistic. Not saying your is, but it might be a possibility.

And if he is, counselling won’t help.

Can you reach out to down syndrome assoc locally urge him to talk to someone?
Can you ask him to go stay elsewhere for a few days? He needs to.understand this behaviour towards ds is unacceptable
Ultimately dh needs to recognize and seek help for his issues

For now do you have other support?
Are you under children with disabilities social aervices team ?

You have to focus on ds
Can you speak to your gp and explain what is going on?

(Ex dp eventually flipped over disabled ds... it took some years and separation and meds for anxiety for him to accept and turn around )

But that’s what @Moffettis saying.

she (we all do) has days like that without the added layer of disability, and it is not acceptable to respond like that.

in the moment, I could forgive, but the ongoing withdrawal of affection from a small child. No.

time to consider your options OP, sadly.

I mean, yes, it’s tough. And it’s tougher for you as you’re doing more. You are coping though, and he is not. You shouldn’t have to manage this, but it needs to be managed and he isn’t going to. So make a plan together.

There will be a bit of breathing space when he goes to school. Is your husband involved in the school application process? I think he needs to see that school can manage his toiletting.

Are you part of a charity group or could he access some counselling via work or gp.
Are there any parenting courses he could go on - try asking health visitor.
When I had a child with a disability I was offered counselling but dh wasn’t.
I suspect it’s hitting him now ds older and seeing differences between him and peers. It’s not fair on your poor ds or you acting as a buffer.
Most marriages fail if a child has a disability. I’d try and encourage dh to get support now. Realistically you need to protect your ds and if dh won’t come around it will mean separation.

Also, a family support worker may be useful.

Would he have specialised counselling? Whilst you know ds’s diagnosis, him struggling to do things that are now age appropriate is probably bringing it to the fore. Otherwise a support group perhaps just dads? I know too many women who now are lone parents because their h’s walked and I mean completely, no contact

I don’t know what the stats are now but when I was raising my autistic son 30 years ago it was 8 out of ten couples that split in this situation. It isn’t easy and we’re all human and we all snap sometimes but if you are constantly playing referee and your husband is embarrassed about aspects how your son’s disability presents at various times and uses this to opt out and sulks at son then I can’t see how it will get better (but I might be wrong - just not been my lived experience ).
You may well come to the conclusion that parenting an SEN child with a partner who behaves like a spoilt child isn’t sustainable. Regardless you need to have a frank conversation with him about his attitude as currently it’s unsustainable and your already difficult life will become increasingly unbearable if you are wasting time parenting a man child.

Good luck. Don’t tolerate him sulking and opting out. Call him out every single time.

My younger brother has DS. It's tough but incredibly rewarding at the same time. They tend to be very affectionate and loving. The toilet issue sounds tough but I think your DH needs to accept that your son will get there but it probably won't be on the same timeline as a non-DS child. It took a long time for my brother to be toilet trained but he got there in the end.

I agree with a pp that your DH should get counselling. He's grieving the life he thought he'd have plus having guilt at failing his child. There's a fine line between grieving and being abusive, and he's in serious danger at crossing that line.

I feel for you. It was hard for my father when my brother was born but they ended up best pals and Dad adored him. Hopefully your DH will cop on quickly and see your son as the amazing person he is.

To all the posters sympathizing with the poor old dh, oh, he needs counselling, oh, he has autism, oh, poor, poor dh, he needs time to come to terms with it…isn’t it lucky that the OP feels able to be a parent to her son, without feeling the need to be emotionally abusive (and shouting at a child like that is emotional abuse).

Sorry OP, but he is not a good father.

If you have chosen your school thoughtfully I am sure they will understand some children with additional needs are still learning toileting skills. Maybe the health visiting team could help give you a structured plan to help with that particular issue?

I’m so sorry - it must be really tough seeing your husband give your son the cold shoulder like that. He sounds burnt out and I agree some counselling could be helpful.

Having disabled children can put a massive strain on some marriages. There isn’t any excuse for how your husband spoke but perhaps he is also in need of his own support to help him deal with things.

Given how distressing your DS finds being changed, perhaps attempting toilet training would be beneficial for him as well.

Do you have any support as a family?

This was going to be my advice too, if he is open to it.

There is no denying that having a disabled child is difficult and there is undoubtedly an element of grieving the life you thought your child would have. He might really benefit from a private and safe space to work through those feelings and a course to sort of set expectations for the child he has, rather than comparing to a typical child which is never going to end well. If he isn’t prepared to do that work then it would be marriage ending for me, to protect DS.

Has your dh sought therapy for this? Were you aware of the ds while pregnant or was it picked up after birth. My friend has a little girl with it and it wasn’t picked up till after birth. Her partner couldn’t cope with it and had to seek counselling which has helped them massively. He wanted the life he imagined with a normal child and couldn’t get his head round it.