Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

[BaronRock]

I really dont know if Im being unreasonable or if my gut is screaming at me for a reason.

Our ds is 4 and has Down syndrome. He starts school in September which is a whole other emotional thing. Hes a lovely little boy but toileting is a massive issue. He hates us changing him at the best of times. Always has. It causes huge distress and meltdowns, especially if hes tired or unwell.

H has been pushing hard for potty training because hes four now and starting school. He is really embarrassed about ds still being in nappies and he hates taking him out because changing him is such a nightmare. The changing tables are often too small, ds panics, kicks off, tries to run away. So H now pretty much refuses to take him anywhere on his own. If I cant go too, they just dont go.

This afternoon ds had done a poo in his pants. When we tried to change him he completely lost it. Crying, stiffening his legs, running away. He wouldnt let us near him. H started snapping and then shouting. He told him to fucking stand still. Hearing that aimed at my four year old made my stomach drop.

The more H shouted, the worse ds got. In the end he was hysterical and running from room to room so I said lets just put him in the bath. That was the only way we could clean him without physically holding him down. Even then ds was sobbing.

After his bath I put a nappy on him because he was exhausted and clingy and I couldnt face another battle. H shouted at me for doing that and said whats the point, youre just undoing it, hes never going to learn.

For background, weve had a horrible few days. Ds has had a cold and a stomach bug at the same time. Hes been uncomfortable and miserable and barely sleeping. Ive barely slept either because its mostly fallen on me to settle him. H is tired too but not in the same way.

After everything calmed down, H said he didnt sign up for this. That he knew having a disabled child would be hard but he didnt realise it would be like this. That everything feels like a constant fight and hes fed up.

All evening hes been off with ds. Ds has been trying to climb on him, sit next to him, get his attention and H has just not really acknowledged him. Not cruel, just distant. Ds doesnt understand and keeps trying, which breaks my heart.

This isnt a one off. H snaps at ds a lot. He expects him to understand and comply like a typical four year old and gets angry when he cant. Afterwards he feels guilty and shuts down, but in the moment ds takes the brunt of it.

I know H is grieving the child and life he thought we would have. I know the school thing is bringing a lot up. But ds is four. He didnt choose this. I cannot accept him being shouted at and sworn at for things he genuinely cant help.

I feel like Im constantly buffering between them. Protecting ds while trying to keep H stable. Im exhausted and starting to feel resentful and scared about the long term impact on ds.

Am I being unreasonable to think this has crossed a line? How do I handle this without blowing our marriage apart or allowing ds to be emotionally hurt?

I have to agree with everything tutor says here!! Your husband is a nasty abusive bully to a poor little boy who just wants his daddy to love him 😔

Your DH needs counselling and you both need parenting support/classes to help support your special needs child.

My ex husband was like this. I knew from when my DS was young that he was on the spectrum or AuDHD.

He hated sitting or standing still and my ex was obsessed with having a clean child. He would excessively moisturise his face, give him long showers, wash his hair like he had mud in his hair or something. Everything thing was for a show to the outside world

He was also emotionally abusive to me from the beginning but I didn’t understand that what it was. If we had a disagreement he would stop talking to me for a few days. Eventually it was like weeks and sometimes months. I was really poorly and was financially dependent on him and I felt bad that I was breaking my so sons family if I left.

One day we were going to go out,my DS was 7 I think and he put him in the kitchen counter and started putting cream on his face. DS started fussing and I could then hear shouting and my son screaming.

i came downstairs and exH said ‘oh here she comes to be a hawk’.
he said we weren’t going anymore and went to our bedroom.
i took my son to his room to calm him down as he was crying to the point where he couldn’t breathe.
He was trying to talk and then said Dad slapped me.
My exH stormed in and said what did you say?
My husband tried to grab him and my son impulsively tried to kick him. I was covering my son to protect him and to stop him from kicking as well. I was in week one of starting my antidepressants so I was all over the place as well. I know wish I had called either the police or my sister to come get us.

Exh stopped talking to DS , and in the same was trying to call him and play with him later in the day and a few days after.

This is when I realise that he wasn’t going to change and he didn’t have the emotional capacity or intelligence to care for my son.

The final straw was that I found out he was cheating with someone at work about two months later so it made it easy.

Do what is right for your child. Are you able to ask your son’s care team for help such a counselling for parents with Downs?

I would have a conversation with your husband and gauge whether he sees an issue with his behaviour. If he admits there is a problem you might have a chance.

Yep he’s a nasty abusive twat! Your son having ds isn’t why he’s the way he is he was always going to be an abusive arsehole with whatever child you had!

It’s the case in reality for many people. Not saying it’s not a different ball game but the OP has already been served a whole different ball game and her DH is making it infinitely harder.

I’m fairly certain some responses would be very different if it was a husband emotionally abusing a child without SEN but somehow people like you think this poor boy is less than and it’s only natural that a man should be so grief stricken by his existence that this behaviour is somehow understandable and worthy of sympathy.

What on earth are you talking about? I haven't seen a single post of anyone saying anything bad about OP's lovely son.

Being a single parent is harder than having another parent around. That's still the case when the other parent doesn't do much. But there's a whole world of difference between being able to pop out for 15 minutes and never having a single minute to yourself.

I'm not defending the father by any means. He needs therapy. But telling OP to go it alone is naïve at best.

thats what she is saying. she i sympathising with ds, his age and his additional needs.at least thats how i read it

I grew up with my severely autistic sister- she wasn’t toilet trained until 7. Was very annoying and stressful to change her out and about there’s no facilities like that esp in the 90s and still now. My parents had to grieve the idea of what they imagined and get with the new version took my dad a lot longer and they even broke up for a year when she was around 5 I was 7. But my dad was after more hands on and got his head around the life being different and now is her biggest advocate as an adult autistic lady (37 year old in staffed care home ). It’s a bloody hard life with disabled kids so you can have a virtual hug and say you’re going fine, disability makes things different to NT and I have a NT 4 year old and it’s hard enough.

Yeah Wtf? There's a lot of 'well he's never done this before', 'can't you get help for him?' etc

OP seems able to commit to her child with the same level of experience he has.

All the stats about marriages failing in this situation, how many of those are mother being left alone with a child? Is it 100%? I'll bet it's damn near if it's not.

OP - what you have shared already sounds abusive. Your little boy is 4, you shouldn't be having to act as a buffer to protect a vulnerable pre-school child! When your H acts up like this, put your foot down & have him leave the situation immediately & seriously think about if this is going to be easier to manage by yourself. There's no doubt he will be making the toileting situation much much worse right now.

I'd give him the opportunity to get help & support for HIS problem, but you've to adopt a zero tolerance policy on him kicking off & swearing at your son.

Is DH’s family of origin OK with you guys having a son with DS.

I grew up in a culture where some disabilities are more accepted socially- including DS, I was shocked when I first moved the UK at the prevailing attitude towards intellectual disability. My late PIL would come out with shockers, and I can imagine a situation where he has very complex feelings going on.

One of my children is disabled (though not DS but I would imagine similar levels of difficulty). I think your dh needs to meet other dads in similar situations. Help him be a good Dad and let him help you be a good mum. You’ll both have times you are crap and times you let your own feelings make you behave worse than you’d like to. All this LTB nonsense is not in ds’s best interest. The best thing that can happen is you both get some rest, some help, and company on your journey.

Potty training an older child throws up all sorts of emotions and problems others just don’t know or understand. Hang in there both of you.

My daughter was born to me in my 20’s , she arrived with down syndrome, something we weren’t expecting . Your son will be potty trained, my daughter was .
screaming and shouting at him won’t hurry that process along . I’m guessing your son will have an educational plan , that will take into account potty training when he goes to school .
I would also suggest getting in contact with the down syndrome association, there will be a local support group in your area who can offer you friendship and support from families in the same situation .
please protect your son from his father , all your son wants is to be loved and protected and with holding affection is disgusting . Your son won’t know what he has done for your husband to be treating him like this , your son isn’t naughty . He has a learning disability and sadly some parents aren’t up to the job .
things get easier i promise you . X

YANBU. Parenting a disabled child is so tough and I do feel for your DH but his reactions will be impacting DS and it will be making potty training and nappy changing more difficult. H has nothing to be embarrassed about. Your DS has a disability, I know there can be judgement around SEN children not being potty trained but it's very unlikely a child with downs syndrome would receive the same judgement.
The obvious answer is separation but it sounds like you don't want that.
To stay together you will need to take over parenting to reduce stress on H. I know people will say it's not fair and he needs to step up but in reality not everyone is cut out to care for a disabled child and it's in your DCs best interests to have the best possible care, not the care that is fair for parents. Reach out to children's social care for support. Have H involved in all discussions. They may provide respite hours as well as advice.
Find your locals carers service, get an assessment and ask about peer support. There are lots of groups for parents of disabled children, H in particular may benefit from this by hearing other parents have the same struggles and he has no reason to be embarrassed.
Explore a specific Parenting course for DH, in my area riding the rapids is the course for parenting disabled children. H really needs to learn that his behaviour does more harm than good and learn some strategies that you can both be on the same page with.
You sound like you're doing a great job, your DS is lucky to have you. Try and take time for self care when you can so you can keep being the best version of yourself for your DC.

Big hugs to you @BaronRock

I would reach out to your local chapter of the Down Syndrome Association. Nationally or locally they likely have some parent mentors or even a Dad's group. Being able to chat to another Dad may be very helpful to him. Ask as well if they know of any counsellors that specialize in families navigating diagnosis' and needing to shift expectations. Many parents start in a place of shattered hopes and come to have really meaningful and deep bonds with their children. I imagine the toileting is brining up fears for your husband that maybe he can't articulate. I'd also suggest befriending some families whose children with DS or other disabilities are a few years ahead of your son so that your husband can see what family life can look like.

Also, make sure you have someone to talk to too.

Best wishes

H has always refused all counselling, he gets annoyed at DS for little things too like making a mess whilst he eats (which other children that are NT also do at the same age usually anyway)

Oh OP I'm so sorry, I was thinking & typing when you updated with this. It's sickening. There's every chance he would have been this way with a bog standard NT child - he just sounds like a prick & maybe it's nothing do to with your son having DS at all, it's just the excuse he has for this situation. I'll wager you're only sharing a tiny snapshot of what the last 4 years have been like.

Yes, your DH has crossed a line. Shouting and swearing at ANY small child for a toileting accident is unacceptable. For a child who is vulnerable because he has a learning disability, it's even worse. I'd find it frankly unforgivable.

You need to decide how you are going to protect your son - because he needs protection from an adult man who is abusive. That man may be his father but that doesn't give him the right to behave like a bully. Please think hard about how this is going to affect your little boy.

My DD was like this at that age. She also has DS. It wasn't until junior school that she was out of nappies. She has accidents now but they're few and far between.
Your husband would drive me fking potty. Yes it's hard but if he's blaming your son for stuff he can't help, then he's a fking asshole.

Yes of course....everyone behaving badly is autistic :/. Every single fucking thread!!!!!

Why does he say it's not what he signed up for? Was the syndrome not detected before birth?
I would insist on therapy otherwise separate so that your son and you are not in an abusive or unsupportive environment at your own home.. life is hard enough without the dad being a dick as well.

My DH also once said “I didn’t sign up for this”:we have a DD with ASD.
I find it staggering.

And it becomes yet another job for the woman: he’s struggling, can you encourage him to go to therapy/get help, work out how best they can bond?
As if you have the capacity for this too with a disabled DC!
Or the inclination, in my case, as I just lost all respect.

My Ex was also like this and his behaviour escalated. Our DD has a disability and Ex became physical and agressive towards her so I divorced him. You may need to choose your DS's wellbeing over your marriage if DH is not willing to look at his own behaviour unfortunately.

No he isn't. He has a disability and school, even a mainstream school will be understanding with that.

I cannot comprehend how difficult it must be having a disabled child.

Its not just the physical and emotional toll on the parents but the struggles the child themselves have to go through, lifelong dependency and shorter lifespan.

But you need to tell your DH to get a grip, that you also have a child with Down syndrome and you do not have the every to handle that as well as DH and his lack of resilience.

I hope you have your ducks in a row as if DH is struggling this much it would not be a shock if he decided to leave one day.

Have you tried pull ups?
That he can continue to be toilet trained but if he has an accident it won’t be such a big issue.

I am concerned for the staff if he struggles with nappy changes so much and DH getting angry and frustrated is going to make DS much more anxious and it’s a vicious cycle.
It needs to be calm/fun which will make potty training easier and help school staff.

@Kirbert2 You're right. My DS had a 1:1 in mainstream who helped with all her toilet needs. I wish people wouldn't offer shit advice.