Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

[BaronRock]

I really dont know if Im being unreasonable or if my gut is screaming at me for a reason.

Our ds is 4 and has Down syndrome. He starts school in September which is a whole other emotional thing. Hes a lovely little boy but toileting is a massive issue. He hates us changing him at the best of times. Always has. It causes huge distress and meltdowns, especially if hes tired or unwell.

H has been pushing hard for potty training because hes four now and starting school. He is really embarrassed about ds still being in nappies and he hates taking him out because changing him is such a nightmare. The changing tables are often too small, ds panics, kicks off, tries to run away. So H now pretty much refuses to take him anywhere on his own. If I cant go too, they just dont go.

This afternoon ds had done a poo in his pants. When we tried to change him he completely lost it. Crying, stiffening his legs, running away. He wouldnt let us near him. H started snapping and then shouting. He told him to fucking stand still. Hearing that aimed at my four year old made my stomach drop.

The more H shouted, the worse ds got. In the end he was hysterical and running from room to room so I said lets just put him in the bath. That was the only way we could clean him without physically holding him down. Even then ds was sobbing.

After his bath I put a nappy on him because he was exhausted and clingy and I couldnt face another battle. H shouted at me for doing that and said whats the point, youre just undoing it, hes never going to learn.

For background, weve had a horrible few days. Ds has had a cold and a stomach bug at the same time. Hes been uncomfortable and miserable and barely sleeping. Ive barely slept either because its mostly fallen on me to settle him. H is tired too but not in the same way.

After everything calmed down, H said he didnt sign up for this. That he knew having a disabled child would be hard but he didnt realise it would be like this. That everything feels like a constant fight and hes fed up.

All evening hes been off with ds. Ds has been trying to climb on him, sit next to him, get his attention and H has just not really acknowledged him. Not cruel, just distant. Ds doesnt understand and keeps trying, which breaks my heart.

This isnt a one off. H snaps at ds a lot. He expects him to understand and comply like a typical four year old and gets angry when he cant. Afterwards he feels guilty and shuts down, but in the moment ds takes the brunt of it.

I know H is grieving the child and life he thought we would have. I know the school thing is bringing a lot up. But ds is four. He didnt choose this. I cannot accept him being shouted at and sworn at for things he genuinely cant help.

I feel like Im constantly buffering between them. Protecting ds while trying to keep H stable. Im exhausted and starting to feel resentful and scared about the long term impact on ds.

Am I being unreasonable to think this has crossed a line? How do I handle this without blowing our marriage apart or allowing ds to be emotionally hurt?

You're downplaying what he is doing to the child. Intention for shits and giggles or unintentional because he won't do something about his situation, repeatedly shouting and swearing at a 4 year old is abusive.

Shouting and swearing at a 4 year old is never understandable. He should be able to control his temper enough to walk away or stop.

He absolutely should be getting help, I agree, but again he's making a choice not to.

Shits and giggles ? Seriously ? I’m not downplaying anything and you are clearly not understanding what l’ve posted here, so l’ll leave it there.

Because a parent can’t just decide to put their child in a home because they can’t cope. The same as families can’t just bung an elderly relative in a care home because they’re difficult to care for. There has to be an assessment of need and other, more appropriate support may be available. It’s rarely, if ever down to personal choice.

Here it is one parent not coping. The other is coping.
The question is what does op do about her dh? What does dh do about his feelings?
A carer assessment for a single parent whose dh has left due to not coping might score a few points more for additional short breaks depending on local offer.

Of course there are SeN kids in foster care for variety of reasons
Fostering children with disabilities https://share.google/YgIRki4u4SL89fhiX

Of course a family can put their elderly relative in a care home! Do you think that there is a legal requirement to look after your parents!?

Parents have the right to request a section 20 if they are unable and/or unwilling to reside with their child. Will social services try to stop them, levy threats and fight against it? Yes, routinely (which is why a parent pursuing this really should get legal representation from a solicitor familiar with this process, and the oftentimes unlawful tactics of SS). They can absolutely do this though.

My son was under a section 20 aged 17. We retained parental responsibility, no important (including medical) decisions could be made without us (that was written into it). I saw him pretty much every day. I still bathed him most days and got him to bed.

He was under a section 20 because he required 24 hour 2:1 support and it was not safe for his brothers (or family dog come to that) to be around him. For the 8 months it took to find somewhere local his brothers had to lock themselves into their rooms when he was at home. We had respite but it also was not easy for them to manage because he really needed a single service so his access was limited.

We coped with way more than anyone can because we had to. My son’s social worker told me she used to wake up panicked in the middle of the night that something was going to happen. She said she would remind herself it was us and we would manage and everyone would stay safe. However, we needed a normal family life for our other children, we needed to be able to keep our jobs and we needed ds1 to start to build his future life. That meant ds needed full time support. It wasn’t my plan for him, I wanted him to live at home until mid twenties (which looked achievable in his early to mid tweens). Many years later I still see him most days.

This wasn’t a ‘we couldn’t cope’ situation - we had coped / indeed thrived as a family for many years. The situation then became unmanageable for anyone and so more support was needed.

Personal experience. My mum has vascular dementia and has no means of paying for full time care. She lives with us and we are her carers. Social services absolutely will not take her into full time care at their expense while we are available to do it. The most they will provide is home care three times a day, which she has to pay for. Of course there is no bloody legal requirement to look after your parents, but in the face of intransigent local authorities what do you suggest ?

And someone who is 90 and has vascular dementia ? She has no capacity, I am her power of attorney and her carer.

If you hadn't taken her in, they would have had to home her. You could just have said you weren't willing to, they couldn't have physically taken her to your home and dumped her there. I have no intention of taking care of my parents, although they can probably afford care anyway.

Mum has lived with us for twenty years. Long before she developed care needs. What were we supposed to do - throw her out when she became too difficult to deal with ?

Of course not. However, most people don't have their parents living with them, so my point still stands that the local authority cannot demand that non resident children look after parents.

You clearly have no idea of the pressures that are brought to bear.

Thanks for the heads up. I'm serious, not sarcastic. It'll be a cold day in hell before I provide elder care, and as far as I understand it the LA can't make me, but if they are in the habit of trying to trick people then forewarned is forearmed.

I know the running away bit would be hard when changing him but my eldest wasn't fully toilet trained until he was almost 5 and he does not have down syndrome. The not being toilet trained yet in itself is not unusual so your DH needs to stop pushing for things that can take time for any kid.
Your DH doesn't sound like a good support for you or your son right now.

He sounds like an absolute scumbag, get him away from your boy. My great nephew has downs and has been through so much in his 2 years of life. I can't imagine anyone speaking to him like that. With the challenges that children/adults with Downs face, that wanker should be grateful that his son is here to have little accidents and kick off throwing tantrums and stuff, because a lot of peoples stories don't get that far. Stop excusing his behaviour, he's a beast and needs to be kept away from baby at all costs, you don't get to lose your rag like that, he clearly can't control himself and can't regulate his emotions. No one is saying parenthood is easy, but if you feel like you're losing it, take yourself away and sort your shit out. Don't scorn a child because you "didn't sign up for this" what a cunt.

I resonate so much with this. I have a little boy with disabilities (not Down’s syndrome). From the get go his dad was saying he wasn’t cut out for this, swore at him once or twice, forgot to give his medication, left me to deal with appointments, hospital stays etc. he was also arguing with me all the time in front of our son. In the end up, I decided I didn’t want my son growing up in a house where I he thought this was normal or thought he was the cause of his dad’s behaviour. I left - it was difficult at first but best thing I ever did.

I should say that since then, his dad has only been involved very sporadically and has used every trick in the book to avoid paying maintenance. We currently receive nothing. It’s hard, but I make it work and our home is much happier and more peaceful.

Whilst the father shouldn't shout at his son
Having a great Nephew with Down Syndrome is not comparable to being the full time parent
My son doesn't have Down syndrome but he is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities he also has a rare chromosome disorder, his behaviour is extremely challenging at times and sometimes im. Not the perfect parent ,walk a mile in their shoes etc.

Apologies as I should have clarified, my niece lives with me and I have guardianship of her. I have walked this journey with them both and although I am not his parent, the fact that they live with me and have done since he was home from NICU, gives me perfect insight into the enormity of the situation. I have every sympathy and respect for all parents/carers who are going through this. That being said, to direct that level of anger and frustration towards a child whether they have complex needs or not is completely unacceptable and damaging. Not once did I say that there is an expectation that anyone is supposed to be a perfect parent. But this particular individual in his partner's own words is resentful towards the child which is horrible.