Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

[BaronRock]

I really dont know if Im being unreasonable or if my gut is screaming at me for a reason.

Our ds is 4 and has Down syndrome. He starts school in September which is a whole other emotional thing. Hes a lovely little boy but toileting is a massive issue. He hates us changing him at the best of times. Always has. It causes huge distress and meltdowns, especially if hes tired or unwell.

H has been pushing hard for potty training because hes four now and starting school. He is really embarrassed about ds still being in nappies and he hates taking him out because changing him is such a nightmare. The changing tables are often too small, ds panics, kicks off, tries to run away. So H now pretty much refuses to take him anywhere on his own. If I cant go too, they just dont go.

This afternoon ds had done a poo in his pants. When we tried to change him he completely lost it. Crying, stiffening his legs, running away. He wouldnt let us near him. H started snapping and then shouting. He told him to fucking stand still. Hearing that aimed at my four year old made my stomach drop.

The more H shouted, the worse ds got. In the end he was hysterical and running from room to room so I said lets just put him in the bath. That was the only way we could clean him without physically holding him down. Even then ds was sobbing.

After his bath I put a nappy on him because he was exhausted and clingy and I couldnt face another battle. H shouted at me for doing that and said whats the point, youre just undoing it, hes never going to learn.

For background, weve had a horrible few days. Ds has had a cold and a stomach bug at the same time. Hes been uncomfortable and miserable and barely sleeping. Ive barely slept either because its mostly fallen on me to settle him. H is tired too but not in the same way.

After everything calmed down, H said he didnt sign up for this. That he knew having a disabled child would be hard but he didnt realise it would be like this. That everything feels like a constant fight and hes fed up.

All evening hes been off with ds. Ds has been trying to climb on him, sit next to him, get his attention and H has just not really acknowledged him. Not cruel, just distant. Ds doesnt understand and keeps trying, which breaks my heart.

This isnt a one off. H snaps at ds a lot. He expects him to understand and comply like a typical four year old and gets angry when he cant. Afterwards he feels guilty and shuts down, but in the moment ds takes the brunt of it.

I know H is grieving the child and life he thought we would have. I know the school thing is bringing a lot up. But ds is four. He didnt choose this. I cannot accept him being shouted at and sworn at for things he genuinely cant help.

I feel like Im constantly buffering between them. Protecting ds while trying to keep H stable. Im exhausted and starting to feel resentful and scared about the long term impact on ds.

Am I being unreasonable to think this has crossed a line? How do I handle this without blowing our marriage apart or allowing ds to be emotionally hurt?

And they exist because some parents can't cope.

We know some parents cope with a healthy, intellectually standard child. People have abostions. They abandon newborns. They neglect, abuse, kill their healthy typical children. Care homes are full of kids abandoned by their parents or removed from their homes.

Why can't you accept that some of those reasons are the kids disability.

These are usually for children with extreme behaviour. Such a child who is physically dangerous to siblings. Not usually for a 4 Yr old DS child who isn't toilet trained.

No, he’s not. He’s failing to recognise that his disabled son isn’t capable of responding in the way he intends. There’s a huge difference between a parent intentionally emotionally abusing their child, and one who is at the end of their tether because nothing works. He needs support to find help - this isn’t going to resolve itself.

They're not, I absolutely wouldn't do what they've done. I do it out of love, I would have just assumed I'd cope but it's been hard.

Pretending everyone is fine and copes is ridiculous.

This whole thread is about a person NOT COPING

You can't just decide to send your disabled child to residential special school because you can't cope though. It doesn't work like that and is always a last resort because the LA's don't want to pay for it.

Of course not all parents can cope and extreme things happen just as it does with parents of children without disabilities.

I think most parents would believe they wouldn't be able to cope before it happened and most parents would surprise themselves.

I don't feel like I'm more strong or brave or special because I have a disabled child.

They can plan in breaks all they want, but unfortunately, unless they’re prepared to pay privately, respite isn’t there on demand. It’s patchy according to area. As a disability support worker I’ve supported families with adult children who are severely autistic, violent and have outgrown their parents. Many families are at the point where they have to designate a safe room within their own homes because the behaviour is so extreme that no suitable facility can be found to cope with the needs. The same is true of children with complex needs - placements are few and far between because the facilities to cope with those needs are just not there - even short term.

I’ve been a disability support worker for over 20 years, and I don’t know of this either. It’s absolute nonsense.

Sure, and those children are under a section 20 because their parents cannot cope and/or meet their needs.

Some people say ‘I couldn’t cope’ and find themselves being able to, and others will say ‘I couldn’t cope’ and be absolutely right in their assessment of themselves.

This is exactly my point. Posters have no idea how hard it is to obtain respite, or that in the majority of cases, it’s not free, and it’s expensive.

I feel for your little boy. He really can’t help it, he will have many challenges and needs his parents support.
your dh is not accepting him, I think this will only become worse as he grows. When did you find out about the DS during your pregnancy and what was his reaction?
If he doesn’t want to do any counselling and be a better parent, then you would need to leave. Your ds can’t be subjected to a life where he will be emotionally abused purely because of his disability

Agree, and by the same token OP shouldn’t be facilitating him staying and checking out of childcare simply because he can’t cope with the disability. OP’s life is hard enough now, single parenting would be horribly difficult, so she should encourage finding help together as a first step

You don't think screaming and swearing at a four year old is abusive? If he was a typical child but still 4 and not always doing things how his Dad thinks he should, would you still be OK with the screaming and swearing at a 4 year old?

What if he hits the boy out of frustration? Locks him in the house alone and leaves him there all day? Shakes him until he's unconscious?

What exactly is it OK to do to a disabled child cos you're frustrated that it wouldn't be OK to do to a non disabled child?

Sorry, I meant general care homes not special residential ones, my bad for lack of clarity

{mention:Kirbert2}but@Kirbert2but there are posters on here adament that two poster who say they wouldn't cope absolutely would because they must. It doesn't work like that. They might surprise themselves. Maternal love might overrule any consideration to do anything but try. Thry might turn out to be good parents, they might not. But one can know oneself well enough to know you wouldn't want to. It's uncomfortable to admit but it's true

It's scary that you a. Think he should feel bad, he couldn't help it b. Think it's OK cos his son is disabled

Show me where I’ve said either of these things ?

These things are not black and white. Nobody is perfect and DH is clearly angry at his lot and harbouring resentment. He and OP are both also clearly grieving the life they thought they would have with their child. If course it’s never acceptable to treat a child like this and at no point have l said it is. But it is understandable.

Of course DH needs to engage with help to process how he feels and to access support in better understanding his sons’ condition, but OP can’t force this and a sledge hammer like approach has been proven time and time again to be counter productive.

I haven’t suggested that anything like this is OK behaviour towards any child, disabled or not. Neither am l suggesting that DH’s behaviour is acceptable. Only that it is understandable in the circumstances. The frustrated response from DH comes from expecting a four year old with a significant learning/cognitive disability to respond the way a child without the disability would at that age. He needs to engage with professionals to educate himself and to work through his issues. I haven’t said anything to the contrary.

He didn't sign up for this?

Yes he did. Unless he only wanted 'a normal one'.

My son is severely disabled. In over 30 years, I've never doubted that his father was actually a reasonable human being.

I'm not saying it was easy. I am saying that general rules of compassion and regulation from the actual adult who brought them into the world are non negotiable.

If a child is so severely disabled that the parents can’t cope, then they would likely require specialist residential facilities - which can’t be conjured up at a moments’ notice no matter how urgently they’re needed. Placements for significantly disabled children are notoriously difficult to secure.

What on earth are you talking about ? Because parents can’t cope with their childs’ disability doesn’t make them abusive and doesn’t make the child a ‘target’. ‘Predation’ doesn’t apply - in most cases it’s being unable (as opposed to unwilling) to meet the childs’ needs and needing various levels of help according to the severity of the disability.

No, it wouldn’t. At all.

The state have duty of care for any child whose parent or guardian can't or won't care for them.

Thank you! I certainly wouldn't plan to walk away or neglect a child, but as someone who has my own issues that have worsened significantly with age, I'm acutely aware I would crumble under the relentless strain of a child with a serious intellectual disability, and would be one of those parents who can't cope even though they wish they could.

As you say, there are people who commit suicide, or even (God forbid) murder/suicide after years of caring, quite aside from cases of neglect etc, so no – clearly not everyone copes! I'm not sure why there's such an insistence that everyone does?

Raising her son alone would be even harder than it is already and would get more so as he gets bigger physically.

I think the dad needs a dadsnet group of some kind to talk to other men in the same situation rather than talking to therapists.

Are we inadvertently married to the same man? You’ve just described my DH. Only mine takes the time to tell me I’m doing it all wrong and not to undermine him when he’s parenting Divorce is imminent.

Of course being unable to doesn't, but some parents are shitty parents and if the kids have a disability that has additional parental requirements, the shittiness is more likely to be happen / less likely to be reported. Most parents who don't cope won't take it out on their kids. Some do.

And the predated on wasn't in reference to the shitty parents neglecting their kids. Disabled children are at greater risk of being abused secually by parents / others. That's a reported fact. The NSPCC teaches it as part of their child safeguarding.

I'm not taking about the majority of parents who cope or don't cope without harming their child.