Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

[BaronRock]

I really dont know if Im being unreasonable or if my gut is screaming at me for a reason.

Our ds is 4 and has Down syndrome. He starts school in September which is a whole other emotional thing. Hes a lovely little boy but toileting is a massive issue. He hates us changing him at the best of times. Always has. It causes huge distress and meltdowns, especially if hes tired or unwell.

H has been pushing hard for potty training because hes four now and starting school. He is really embarrassed about ds still being in nappies and he hates taking him out because changing him is such a nightmare. The changing tables are often too small, ds panics, kicks off, tries to run away. So H now pretty much refuses to take him anywhere on his own. If I cant go too, they just dont go.

This afternoon ds had done a poo in his pants. When we tried to change him he completely lost it. Crying, stiffening his legs, running away. He wouldnt let us near him. H started snapping and then shouting. He told him to fucking stand still. Hearing that aimed at my four year old made my stomach drop.

The more H shouted, the worse ds got. In the end he was hysterical and running from room to room so I said lets just put him in the bath. That was the only way we could clean him without physically holding him down. Even then ds was sobbing.

After his bath I put a nappy on him because he was exhausted and clingy and I couldnt face another battle. H shouted at me for doing that and said whats the point, youre just undoing it, hes never going to learn.

For background, weve had a horrible few days. Ds has had a cold and a stomach bug at the same time. Hes been uncomfortable and miserable and barely sleeping. Ive barely slept either because its mostly fallen on me to settle him. H is tired too but not in the same way.

After everything calmed down, H said he didnt sign up for this. That he knew having a disabled child would be hard but he didnt realise it would be like this. That everything feels like a constant fight and hes fed up.

All evening hes been off with ds. Ds has been trying to climb on him, sit next to him, get his attention and H has just not really acknowledged him. Not cruel, just distant. Ds doesnt understand and keeps trying, which breaks my heart.

This isnt a one off. H snaps at ds a lot. He expects him to understand and comply like a typical four year old and gets angry when he cant. Afterwards he feels guilty and shuts down, but in the moment ds takes the brunt of it.

I know H is grieving the child and life he thought we would have. I know the school thing is bringing a lot up. But ds is four. He didnt choose this. I cannot accept him being shouted at and sworn at for things he genuinely cant help.

I feel like Im constantly buffering between them. Protecting ds while trying to keep H stable. Im exhausted and starting to feel resentful and scared about the long term impact on ds.

Am I being unreasonable to think this has crossed a line? How do I handle this without blowing our marriage apart or allowing ds to be emotionally hurt?

This is awful to read as a mum of a child with mild disabilities that included years of soiling.
I'd probably divorce if he didnt get counselling, parenting course etc

I think this is good calm advice

Not always. Plenty of us have DC with all sorts of needs. Some aren't amplified through illness.

The thing is, it never is the mother is it? They just have to get on with it (and cope with man-child husbands, to boot).

And you can bet your life that if a mother came on this site admitting to shouting, swearing and ignoring her disabled child, she would be flayed alive, not told to get counselling.

So many people are telling OP to end her marriage, or realising she would then have to do everything alone.

I think you both need to reach out for some professional help.

First off stick a pin in the toilet training for now your DS is not ready. He’s not at the right developmental stage his chronological age is irrelevant.

ERIC has some good resources that are Down Syndrome specific for toilet training https://eric.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/12096-Pants4School-Training-Programme_v4.pdf

Second of all I would seriously consider asking your DH to move out for a while. This is a terrible atmosphere for you all and his behaviour is going to be terribly damaging for your DS. Your DH needs to take responsibility for managing his feelings and finding a way to cope but he needs to go elsewhere until he can do that.

Have you been given support for the toileting? I remember when I was trying to toilet train my daughter, one of the signs they are ready is not wanting to be changed. Some days I was lucky I didn’t get a black eye.

What worked for me was buying a potty that looked like a mini toilet (was on Amazon). She’d get a chocolate button for a wee, two for a poo. Took a weekend. I also put her I knickers while doing it so she could feel if she had a wee.

Your DH needs help accepting the reality that your DS has Down Syndrome.
Not easy for any parent.
Counselling may work for some dads but not for others.
Another possibility is for him to meet other dads of children with Down Syndrome who've been through what you are both going through.

H has just not really acknowledged him. Not cruel, just distant
Ignoring his child is cruel.

Sounds like she is doing most of it alone to avoid her DH not coping. Better alone than with a man who is becoming increasingly abusive towards a four year old. His behaviour will just be creating more problems on top of existing ones.

Completely unfair to be getting annoyed over this.
He needs to get counselling or leave. Your beautiful boy is aware of his father’s frustration, he’s 4 sounds like he is doing great. He won’t be toilet trained with the pressure, many children aren’t. He will have support in school and will come on watching other children everyday.
I am really sorry that you are in this position with your husband, I hope he comes around. DS has a very loving mother, sometimes that is enough.

That's easy to say but it's not the case in reality is it? The financial side of things alone is a whole different ball game when you're on your own.

I didn’t really mean the husband would be hating himself - just that if he’s shouting at his son and then ignoring him, he needs to look at his behaviour and his lack of kindness towards his own son.
Some posters are saying he is grieving the loss of a child he thought he’d have, but to be blunt, he’s had four years to do that and he’s still behaving like an oaf. Maybe your husband does need Counselling OP.

Therapy or you break up, in my opinion.

Raising a child with SN’s is bloody hard, noticing that your child isn’t meeting milestones that other kids his age are is also very hard but your dh isn’t handling the situation well. I agree that he may need more help to understand that your child isn’t going to hit those milestones the same time as others.

My dd doesn’t have DS but she’s severely autistic and at 4 was non verbal with a very delayed understanding. Toilet training was hard and we were getting close to her starting school and preparing for the fact she may still be in pull ups. We backed right off (gave up trying) and then suddenly 3 weeks before she was due to start school she toilet trained herself. Your ds will do it eventually, when he’s ready.

My dh struggled excepting dd was disabled, we are no longer together, I split with him when dd was 8 (she’s now 19), he still really struggles to except some of her traits and the random things she does. I have to say ‘in some ways it’s been easier raising her without him here’,though it’s not been easy. Maybe your dh just needs help to understand? Maybe attending counselling or going to a parenting group could help?

Not everyone has the temperament to cope with a disabled child.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and have an honest discussion about the future. It may be that you need some extra support. That alone may ease the pressure. Or it may not. There must be organisations that can advise you on this.

I recall an episode of super nanny. I know 🤪 There was an older child who wouldn’t toilet trained, he has special needs and his father was loosing his mind. I cannot remember the method that was used but there was a complete turnaround.

I fucking hate men! No one will ever convince me that 100 average men are worth 1 average women! Posts like this confirm it for me.

’Maybe the DH needs therapy’
’He's mourning the loss of…..”

Most women just plough on though don’t they whilst remaining loving and calm. Not men though.

No advice, I’m so very, very sorry OP. I hope you find peace, hopefully away from DH.

I can only echo others comments..what support have you been given as a family? It sounds like your husband is struggling with having a disabled child and perhaps going to a support group with others would help, or for private counselling. When did you find out your child would have DS? Was any counselling offered then?
Could you also speak to the HV about help with toileting. I would also speak to the school, lots of children do now start that aren't toilet trained, especially those with medial issues or disabilities so I wouldn't be pressurising the toilet training if it's not working at the moment.

I see a few different issues:

• your husbands behaviour when he was shouting and swore was not acceptable and also is going to compound the issues your son has around having his nappy changed and toilet training. He needs to find another solution if frustrated eg leaving the room (if safe) for a couple of minutes etc.

• the being distant with him this evening was also unacceptable. I think your husband sounds like he's struggling and needs to access some help / counselling etc to realise this is the son he has. Does he need to talk to his GP?

• I also think you need support. Is there anything like a Downs support group in your area?

• are there any ways you can make nappy changes less stressful for both you and your son? eg screen, distraction toy,...

• your son will have different milestones and if he's had a tummy bug then I'm not surprised he pooed his pants today. Can you take a short break and then come back to potty training (if you think he's ready) but with it being a more positive experience? Lots of non-downs kids have false starts and accidents with potty training.

He's hated being changed ever since he was a baby really, he'd cry and scream during every change but obviously now he can run away/say no etc so it's harder. He's the same at nursery, he had been in pants during the day since the beginning of Jan after H had been pushing, he's done okayish, he does tend to say no to every question we ask so he does have times where he says no if we ask if he needs the toilet, which is what happened earlier. Last week he was in nappies during the day due to him being unwell but he is getting there slowly and the nursery are supportive and he seems to do better there with going to the toilet from copying other children when they go.

H has always refused all counselling, he gets annoyed at DS for little things too like making a mess whilst he eats (which other children that are NT also do at the same age usually anyway)

A hug from me too OP. This is so very hard and you must all be exhausted 💐

I think moffett is trying to be sympathetic

@BaronRock if the continence issue is the biggest trigger, have you contacted eric.org.uk? They have wonderful advice on toilet training disabled children, total experts.

I understood @Moffettcomment to mean that his expectations are misguided irrespective of sons DS.

even a neurotypical 4yo will be challenging, especially if recently poorly