Dh always irritated by Dd

[Nowheretoputallthetoys]

She is 7 and possibly Nd. She’s an amazing girl-bright, kind, fun, excitable, but she can be intense and very hyper at times.
Dh just can’t seem to accept her being herself, always telling her to calm down or stop running around, always to just sit down, even when she’s just playing. I said to him she’s just a child, only 7 and to get off her case basically. He has zero patience and reacts strongly almost straightaway sometimes. She can be impulsive and threw part of her banana on the floor and the skin over the sofa and laughed-yes v annoying and I told her to pick it up which she did. Dh just walking past, pulling awful faces, shaking his head, tutting etc, just creating an atmosphere where we can’t relax

Am I in the wrong here?

Is he really always annoyed, or just has normal moments of being temporarily frustrated?

If he truly is only ever annoyed with her, never shows her patience, pulls faces she can see, and none of this is balanced with loving, patient parenting from him then he's going to do her self esteem and self worth a lot of damage.

He's probably neurodivergent himself and getting overstimulated by her. A full-on ADHD child is constantly moving, fidgeting and often vocal stimming by repeating the same phrase or song over and over again. For them it's necessary regulation but for an adult with sensory issues or misophonia it can be hell.

He probably is, but that’s not Dd’s fault, she’s not purposely being naughty is she

Most of the time he’s cross and finds her hard work

How is she not diagnosed if she's at the level of still throwing food? We have to remind my youngest GC to calm things down etc. His face pulling needs to stop, but it sounds as though you need to meet in the middle.

She doesn’t do it regularly, rarely in fact, but very impulsive and hyper today. She went to a party yesterday with lots of sweets, not sure if this is a reason too. If she was regularly throwing food, i’d be v concerned

I'd be pretty annoyed if a 7yo thought it was acceptable to throw food on the floor and then laughed about it.

Her behaviour sounds very childlike for her age.

This is a bit confusing. You say she's 'possibly' ND (so may not be) and go on to describe her in a way that doesn't give the impression of a child who has severe SEN. So why is she being allowed to throw food at 7 years old?! You have to do more than tell her to pick it up, she needs to be taught not to throw food in the first place. It's not surprising your dh is annoyed, she's not a toddler. Do you try and teach her to play quietly and calm down at times or is she allowed to do as she likes?

I agree with @Ponoka7, you need to meet in the middle- he needs to stop pulling faces and express himself properly (it's ok to express his annoyance and parent her if her behaviour is genuinely annoying) and you maybe need to stop babying her and allowing her to behave like a much younger child.

Running around? In the house? Because if so that genuinely sounds hellish. Our next door neighbours have children a similar age to my son. Every time I’ve been there I’ve been genuinely horrified by the level of noise and that they run around the house. It’s a relief to leave. Your ‘high spirits’ excusing this behaviour would not go down well with me either.

I'd find her awfully irritating too. I don't think sharing DNA necessarily makes you immune to their annoying behaviour.

ND or not, a 7yr old shouldn't think it's acceptable to throw food and detritus on the floor and furniture. Are you both aligned in your parenting styles? Does your child have clear boundaries and know what the expectation is of how they should behave? Does she behave like that in school?

Why aren’t you reining her in and teaching her? She sounds a right handful with your free as a bird parenting. I’m with DH.

I agree with PP this behaviour isn’t acceptable and you need to parent better! I have 2 ADHD children and an ASD child myself, no excuses it’s poor parenting

I'm with dh too, I think your parenting style might be the problem here, not your dh.

Neither of them are diagnosed but let's accept you think they're both "probably" ND.
If it's not her fault she's being naughty then why are you blaming him for being short tempered? Surely he's "not purposely" doing that either?

Either both DD and DH are responsible for their behaviour (my opinion) or neither of them are and you've decided ND is an excuse to do whatever they like. Throw food around, run in the house, get grumpy and pull faces...

It's difficult to know who is in the wrong from your post. You say he strongly overreacts but then give an example of him tutting and shaking his head when DD threw a banana. That's nothing close to a strong overreaction in my opinion and I'm a very patient person who is sensitive to shouting and tension.

Tutting or eye rolling because your child is running around and throwing food at the age of seven sounds bloody restrained to me!

What consequences did she have for behaving like that?

What's the husband teaching her by making stupid faces, tutting and shaking his head? That's not parenting.

I’d really struggle with this behaviour going unchecked. If she’s ND it’s all your job to teach her how to behave.

My guess is that he gets berated by the OP if he tells her off.

She has Pp and it’s hard to know if this causes the behaviour (I definitely think so) or not. During times she is well or better, she would not behave like this. I’m not going to punish her for something she can’t help

Sounds like he doing some actual parenting when she’s misbehaving and you need to do more of it…

@Nowheretoputallthetoys i’d be irritated by this too. We had friends for new year with their 8 year old and he couldn't sit still and the parents didn’t parent just let him run ragged and throw things. Kids need boundaries and to learn to calm down and sit still.

What's pp

No idea what PP might be?

Either way teaching your child that actions have consequences is a basic parental responsibility

I suspect he’s ND too and gets easily overwhelmed