To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

OP, imagine way, way into the future. Your son has a baby and your DIL refuses to let you visit and hold your grandchild because you had a cold that ended nearly a week ago, even though her parents have been visiting regularly? How would you feel?

Remember it’s YOUR baby, not your MIL. I would make her wait, it’s a completely reasonable request

Ffs, lots of people complained about masks, there are lots of threads on here about it. It doesn’t mean you don’t care.

Its silly for you because youre not init feeling stressed . Just give it a few more days end of.. yes if its more then that id agree with you. I get your point but no one is getting mine. Its not the end of the world for the mil to wait just a few more days. But it feels the end of the world for op. Just let the poor woman have the few extra days and get off her back for crying out loud.

it’s your husbands baby too… what does he think? Did you ask his permission for them to hold the baby? Did he give them a health questionnaire first?

sorry but YABU. you see her visit as an unnecessary visit whereas your parents was necessary.

Postpone for a week if you’re that worried. A mask won’t do much.

It's not a good idea to give in to people's irrational anxieties.

These threads make me sad. I have no daughters and will be the MIL in the future with a DIL who will probably dislike me and I’ll have to pretend that I don’t mind that she favours her parents over me.

@jamandcustard I would think ,why don't they trust me ?
Has my behaviour caused alarm perhaps ? Do they not realise I would do nothing to harm any baby through selfish actions let alone one from NICU ? And if they don't feel this ,what can I do to reassure them I'm not being selfish and put DC first...

I was asking the OP :)

You have every right to protect your vulnerable baby and I find it very annoying when people invite visits or want to visit when ill, without any baby in the mix. We were invited to a Christmas gathering, with a number if actively sick adults and children, which ended up being cancelled last minute only because the host's husband was bedridden with flu..

But, you come across as actively disliking this woman and dismissing her visit as being of no benefit to you. The benefit is her meeting her grandchild. It's not all about what you get out of it. If she's still coughing it doesn't mean she's infectious. Please put yourself in her shoes and think how you'd feel.

It's short sighted and not very nice to make her feel unwelcome.

Your MiL will be well past the infectious stage. By contrast, both your parents and your oldest child may well be incubating all sorts of bugs. The risk really isn't any greater.

If she expects to be waited upon, tell your husband that all of that is down to him.

Its not irrational and its not an anxiety. That word is so over used. Shes being overly cautious and being understanding to a one off does not mean you are giving into anyones anxiety.

It's lovely for a baby to have two sets of grandparents who adore them. Don't shut one set out of your child's life.

Of course it's irrational. Her MIL had a cold that ended five days ago - meanwhile her parents could be incubating all sorts of illnesses and yet they're allowed to visit as much as they like.

5 days post cough she’s not still infectious. How many days would be ok? I’d let her come even if her visit would be annoying because she’s your DH’s mother and should be meeting the baby. And yes, I had a NICU baby too. I wouldn’t have wanted someone to come over who was actually ill but someone who had a cold last week..?!

Even during COVID we didn’t isolate for a cough. We isolated for the first 7 or 10 days of the cough. Coughs can linger for weeks and don’t mean anything after a while. The sad reality is that any of us could be incubating an infection at any time. The flu can be completely asymptomatic. So yes, she could have something, but so could your parents or anyone else. She isn’t any more of a risk to your baby than anyone else. Just let her come.

Time to let her visit! As for hosting, make sure your DH is the one who does that. He can buy a packet of biscuits or a cake and make a cup of tea and serve you and MIL.

It’s so weird all the people going on about fairness. It’s not a box of chocolates to be equally shared between squabbling children. It’s a baby, a person. Especially vulnerable. Straight out of NICU. Whose well being needs to be put first.

OP has put protecting her baby first ahead of DC starting nursery which might have made the early days lots easier for her. So obviously she’s prioritising reducing sickness risk and is not going to want sick people rocking up for the sake of wanting cuddles sooner.

OP had said MIL has form for pretending to be well when she’s not- so not sure how everyone is so certain MIL is 100% not contagious.

I’d meet her outside somewhere. My baby caught RSV after a relative with a cough came to stay. She ended up in NICU. Your baby is tiny and potentially at higher risk due to being unwell after birth. I really wouldn’t risk it

it sounds as though you have had a traumatic birth and aren’t up to dealing with others right now. That being said, these are your babies grandparents and it’s only natural they are going to want to see the baby.
they don’t sound overly involved with your older dc so I would suggest they’ll be the same with your baby.
get the visit out of the way. Encourage DP to take them out for lunch so you and the dc get a break from them.
i fear that to deny them this visit will be the start of issues between them and you. They will hold a grudge and be jealous of your family.

A baby was born in my family in the early days of Covid. Mum asked for visitors to do a lateral flow before visiting. Dad’s mother and sisters said no….so they were told they couldn’t visit. Tough shit.

You seem quite sour. She is your husbands mum and it’s qutite disrespectful the way you are acting! Obviously teaching your older child to dislike her.. but your parents are your parents..

OP, your baby, your rules. If you’re not comfortable with your MIL visiting, don’t let her. Tell her you had a traumatic birth, DB was in the NICU, and you’d rather she waited a bit.

OP had said MIL has form for pretending to be well when she’s not- so not sure how everyone is so certain MIL is 100% not contagious.

How is OP certain her parents aren't contagious?

My in-laws did this to me - very similar circumstances. I have never forgiven them for putting us in that position nor myself for letting it happen.
he clearly still had a cough/cold despite it ‘just a tickle now’
it has definitely marred our relationship. Along with many other things I just don’t care for them now. And yes our daughter has no idea why these people come once a month and stare at her for an hour whilst drinking tea.