To worry about DH prioritising nephews and nieces over our child

[suziequeue1]

My husband’s sister has 4 kids. My husband absolutely spoils them, which I’ve never had an issue with. Like SPOILSSS THEM. I’m currently pregnant with our first child.

The issue is that his sister is honestly the stingiest person I know. She doesn’t even buy my husband a birthday gift once a year at least to just show him appreciation for all he does for her kids. This came up in conversation recently and I said it would be interesting to see how she treats our child (her first ever niece), considering how generous my husband is with her kids.

I said I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t buy our child birthday gifts, and if that ended up being the case, I think my husband would need to reconsider how much he spoils her kids. My thinking is if someone shows they don’t care about your child, that naturally affects how much effort you put in for theirs.

My husband got really offended by this and said it wouldn’t be fair to “punish the kids” because of his sister’s behaviour. I understand that, but I’m struggling to understand how you wouldn’t be hurt or offended if someone clearly didn’t care about your child.

I told him that if my sister treated our child like that, I wouldn’t be going out of my way for her kids either. (For context, my sister is the complete opposite - very generous and extremely excited to be an aunt, so I’m sure the difference will be obvious to him).

Now I’m left feeling unsettled and even questioning how much my husband will prioritise our own child, since he seems so defensive of his nieces and nephews.

So AIBU to be stressing about this and worrying where my child will fall in his priorities, or am I overthinking it? Maybe it’s pregnancy hormones but this is keeping me up atm. Maybe I’m crazy and overthinking!

I get that you’re worrying but it sounds like he just wants to give these kids a nice things because their mum is so stingey. I spoil my nieces and nephews and did a lot before we had kids, the great thing about nieces and nephews is that you get to hand them back at the end of the day. I love them, but there’s no question where my priorities lie and it’s always with my own kids. I’m sure your husband will feel the same.

I would only worry about this if it actually happens which I think is unlikely. Pregnancy can make you question lots of things but try to enjoy it as much as you can and don’t let hypothetical situations take anything anyway from you. It’s great that he cares about his sister’s kids so much, he will most likely absolutely adore his own. Once baby is here hopefully all this melts away!

I think you are confusing two things. Generosity is not the same as affection. Just because someone doesn’t lavish you with gifts doesn’t mean they don’t care about you and can show that in different ways. I think you have to wait and see how she actually behaves with your child. But you will also need to remember that she already has 4 kids and so your dc will not be the novelty for her that her dcs have been for your husband. It doesn’t need to be a competition. Also you might find your dh changes his approach once your dc is here. Definitely not something to stress and argue about right now.

His attitude is more mature than yours, I’m afraid. It is wrong to punish the children for their mother’s actions, so I’m not sure why you’ve highlighted that; it’s just true. I also think it’s strange for you to be jealous on behalf of your child who isn’t even born yet. I think you need to calm down before you do serious damage to your relationships.

Oh I should have been clearer. She’s not stingey with her own kids and herself and her husband. She also spoils her kids rotten. She is stingey with everyone else. He is extremely close to his nieces and nephews and his sister jokes that they love him more than their own dad because of how much he spoils them.

I think it's lovely how he loves being an uncle, just wait and see how he loves being a dad.. things will change

What makes you think he’ll prioritise them over his own child? He seems a generous man with lots of love to go around.

I agree with him, kids shouldn’t be transactional. He loves them and wants to spoil them, regardless of their mother’s lack of interest.

YABU, you seem to be placing a lot of importance on the monetary value of the spoiling, eg calling her stingy.
Your DH sounds like a decent man, I’d stop telling him what he has to do. He can treat his nephews and nieces the way he wishes

It’s ridiculous to be worrying before your child is even born. Are you going to be analysing his relationship with the children forever from now on?

I was the first child in the family and very close to my uncles. I had loving parents and grandparents but my uncles were always incredibly generous.

They of course stepped back slowly when their own children were born and their lives changed.

He can treat both his own child and nieces and nephews equally. As he says it's not the kids fault. If it's a case of finances he'll have to work it so no one misses out.

Your title and your post don't really match.

Is it an issue if your husband spends so much money/time on his niece and nephew that it distracts from how much money/time he has for your child? Yes.

Should how much money/time your husband spends on this niece and nephew be a tit-for-tat with his sister? No.

You’ve either left some information out or you’re doing a lot of projecting to get from the situation you’ve described which is a not very serious matter of an adult not giving another adult presents, to a very serious and unusual worry about a man putting other children above his own. Why is that at all something you are worried about, it doesn’t follow?

Thanks all for the replies so far. This pregnancy has been making me overly anxious and everything feels existential and threatening. Everything seems amplified at the moment and I’m just in a weird protective mind frame!! Thanks for everyone’s input I definitely am reading it and taking it in. It’s like my brain is in a constant state of “what if he doesn’t love our child as much I do” which I know is crazy.

It’s not really about adult presents. That was just an example. The bigger issue is a pattern where my husband gives a LOT to his sister’s kids and treats them like his own, spoils them so much, calls them everyday, while she shows very little appreciation for anything he does - not birthdays, not effort, nothing. So when we talked about how she might treat our child, it made me think about how that imbalance could feel once it involves our kid. I was just explaining why the thought crossed my mind given the existing dynamic.

No, he should be prioritising his own child(ren) over his nieces and nephews. If a choice has to be made, he should cut back on what he does with the nieces and nephews rather than his own child missing out.

Equally ? My nieces and nephews are not even on the same book as my children never mind On the same page.
It’s definitely not a equal they have a mother and father

His relationship with his sister is separate to his relationship with the kids.
He isn't buying the kids gifts in the expectation of a gift from his sister.

When he has his own baby it's not going to be a transaction between him and his sister, 'you spent x amount so I will spend x amount'.

But it’s never about HOW MUCH anyone spends. I don’t care about that. A £1 colouring book is still a gift and a child knows no different. But if she was to treat our child a certain type of way and not gift our child on occasions etc, our child will grow up to see her dad spoiling her cousins while she never gets anything from them? Surely she would feel like wow dad doesn’t care about how anyone treats me?

You are seeing the nieces and nephews as an extension of their mum, but your dh sees them as separate family members who he loves.

I'm inclined to think your dh is right. You don't give to receive. If he wants to treat his relatives, that is entirely separate to whether your dc's aunt wants to treat your dc.

His love for his nieces and nephews won't decrease because of their mum not giving big presents.

I understand your point but I never said big presents, I meant any present at all.

This is a really strange rabbit hole to have gone down before your child is even born.

Why shouldn’t he spoil them? He’s their uncle and it sounds as though he adores them and he likes to show that through gift-giving..

Whether or not your SIL does the same for your child is irrelevant really. It doesn’t sound as though she’s a big gift giver so perhaps she won’t, but you can’t keep a score card of who’s spent the most and punish her children accordingly.

You sound jealous of these children, like they are competition for your baby. They aren’t.

This doesn’t bode well for future relations with your in-laws.

@suziequeue1 think of it this way…
if he dotes on his niece and nephews to this extent, just imagine how in love if he is going to be with his own child!
All will be well. Pregnancy can be an anxious time.

How much dies he spend on his sister? Not her kids, her. Not that he has to spend anything, but you are currently comparing and extrapolating from different things.

You’re gonna be the best mum.
And he’s gonna be the very best girl dad.

All the rest of that is just small stuff.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.

You’re gonna be a mum (!!!) can you believe it?
Sending love from faraway California ❤️

How he sees your child compared to his nephew's and nieces is an entirely separate issue from your resentment of your SIL.

Of course he'll prioritise his own child. But that doesn't mean he'll withdraw from the nephews and nieces. Love is not pie. He seems to have enough to go for everyone.

As for your SIL... you have to stop letting her take so much space in your head. She's not your brother. She's tied up with looking after four kids. Up until now he's just played fun uncle, and had plenty of time and headspace to do it. She's unlikely to have head space and time to be spoiling your child in the same way because she'll still have four children to wrangle.

Comparison is the thief of joy. She's not DH and her life is very different from his. Don't compare them. You don't like her so you're looking for trouble.