To worry about DH prioritising nephews and nieces over our child

[suziequeue1]

My husband’s sister has 4 kids. My husband absolutely spoils them, which I’ve never had an issue with. Like SPOILSSS THEM. I’m currently pregnant with our first child.

The issue is that his sister is honestly the stingiest person I know. She doesn’t even buy my husband a birthday gift once a year at least to just show him appreciation for all he does for her kids. This came up in conversation recently and I said it would be interesting to see how she treats our child (her first ever niece), considering how generous my husband is with her kids.

I said I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t buy our child birthday gifts, and if that ended up being the case, I think my husband would need to reconsider how much he spoils her kids. My thinking is if someone shows they don’t care about your child, that naturally affects how much effort you put in for theirs.

My husband got really offended by this and said it wouldn’t be fair to “punish the kids” because of his sister’s behaviour. I understand that, but I’m struggling to understand how you wouldn’t be hurt or offended if someone clearly didn’t care about your child.

I told him that if my sister treated our child like that, I wouldn’t be going out of my way for her kids either. (For context, my sister is the complete opposite - very generous and extremely excited to be an aunt, so I’m sure the difference will be obvious to him).

Now I’m left feeling unsettled and even questioning how much my husband will prioritise our own child, since he seems so defensive of his nieces and nephews.

So AIBU to be stressing about this and worrying where my child will fall in his priorities, or am I overthinking it? Maybe it’s pregnancy hormones but this is keeping me up atm. Maybe I’m crazy and overthinking!

It takes some twisted thinking to find red flags Ina man who shows love, kindness and generosity to his nieces and nephews will neglect his own child.

My natural instinct would be the opposite, that he will be a great father

You seem to be accusing him of something that he hasn't even done yet and quite probably will never do.

He sounds like a lovely uncle. He's more than likely to be a lovely dad too once your baby is born. I think it could be a case of crossing that bridge if you come to it because your baby isn't even born yet, but there sounds like a good chance that things will be fine.

Get a grip.

You're projecting either your own, or made up feelings to try and justify your husband paying less attention and giving less care to his nieces and nephews because you're jealous.

Vile.

It is not a competition, your post comes across like ot was written by a teenager, if you are mature enough to have a child you are mature enough to realise how much your thinking needs work

I spend much more effort and money on my nieces and nephews then my siblings do on mine.
It does not mean I love my children less.
It definitely does not show them that they are less important.
What a warped way to think about things.
If anything it shows a good example of being kind and generous. And that it is not just done for reward . Or inturn to pay back the same amount/time a person has spent on you.

I'm surprised you think what you've said to your husband about his sister is okay. If I was him I'd never forget this nastiness from you

Oh I've just looked at your previous post!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5472014-to-think-my-sil-is-the-most-selfish-mother-ever?postsby=suziequeue1

You're very obsessed with someone you seem to be pretending not to judge so hard. I think you're jealous he's nice to his sister and think only you and your future baby are deserving of his attention. Your attitude is horrid

I'm with you, OP, I thought at first that your SIL was a single mother and perhaps your husband was treating her children so well to make up for them not having a dad, but she's married, they have a dad at home. It's one thing buying them a gift for Christmas and birthdays, and maybe an Easter egg, but it's over the top and unnecessary to be buying them things just for the sake of it, that's for their parents to do and I wonder how that makes your BIL feel?

You have every right to feel upset that your SIL doesn't even send your husband, her brother, a birthday card, and an agreement that no-one buys presents for adults is fairer than it all being one sided (obviously you and your husband would still buy for one another.)

When your new little baby arrives, it sounds like your husband will be a brilliant daddy, in light of how he treats his nieces and nephews you should be very proud of him, he sounds very kind and caring and has a lot of love to give. You and your little one will be his main priority, but the nieces and nephews will always be special to him and as his wife you should encourage a relationship between your child and their cousins, be proud of your husband for taking such an interest in them. Enjoy your pregnancy and all the best with your little baby 💐

You don't get to police your husband's relationships with other people, including his nephews and nieces.

He sounds like a great uncle and I imagine he will be an ever better dad. My ex was very close to his nieces, they are in their late 20’s now and absolutely lovely girls. But when our own DC came along, they were the apple of his eye. He still adored his nieces, but our DC were obviously his priority. I think you’re being unfair to his sister. It’s not common to be as generous with gifts and time for nieces and nephews as your partner is. You can’t say if his sister doesn’t match this then she doesn’t care. Some people find it very easy to show love, whereas others are more guarded.

Sounds to me like you’re just wary of his adoration of these children and worried about your own child’s place in his world. Please come back in a year or two’s time as i’d bet my bottom dollar he will adore his own child even more. He sounds like a lovely man. But don’t let this cause arguments between you. You’re being unfair to his sister.

Is his sister in a different financial situation? I’d assume so with 4 DC. She also has a minefield of obligations and time restraints and a mental load you probably can’t imagine. I struggle enormously with 2 dc let alone 4, gift buying is not a top priority. There’s just soo much to think about and organise all the time when you have multiple / school age kids. You’re making a problem where there isn’t one.

• Ignore the bit about the card, it was a present that the sister didn't send her brother. Too late to edit

Ouch OP! This previous thread of yours doesn’t paint you in a very nice light.

From the two threads, you do seem quite obsessed with this woman. Her life and how she chooses to live it, is nothing to do with you.

Just because your husband spoils his nieces and nephews doesn’t mean he’s not going to spoil or love your baby when he/she arrives. I’m sure your husband will be besotted with your baby.

If your SIL doesn’t gift your baby any presents when he/she is born - so fucking what? Life’s too short for this.

I’m afraid if you carry on thinking like this you’re going to make yourself ill. My advice to you would to get a hobby. Something to do at home whilst on maternity. Colouring, knitting, crocheting, painting, diamond art, puzzles etc. and whenever you start to have anxious or obsessive thoughts about your SIL you can turn your mind to the hobby.

He loves his nieces and nephews. He loves you. He loves his sister. Why is it a competition? And love isn't (shouldn't be) transactional.

I think you are worrying about nothing here, your husband sounds like a kind and generous man who loves children, so your child will be the apple of his eye at the same time as him being a good uncle. As for the sister’s stinginess just make it into a family joke!

This makes me think of a neighbour we had, we were good friends with her children and her and my Mum were good friends. It became a tradition that on Christmas and Easter we didn't exchange gifts but selection boxes and easter eggs. She had 3 children and we had 4, so our Mum gave 3 each one for each child, our neighbour also gave 3 presumably because thats what her family was receiving even though there was 4 of us. They were well off, it seemed more like a principal thing or some weird sense of equality. As child #4 in the family I always noticed and felt slighted, I mentioned it to my oldest brother and it was barely a blip in his memory.

Still to this day whenever I think of her, I just think how bizarre it was. Gifts aren't just a transfer of the same amount of money back and forth, there will always be an inequity.

Your only concern seems to be money: your husband spending more money on SILs children than SIL will spend on yours and so think the children should be punished. I hope you don't pass on your toxic values as well as your genes.

I would say it’s hormones - you become so protective of your future baby.

Human relationships shouldn't operate on a quid pro quo basis, and children are not extensions of their parents. You don't punish a child for the crimes of its parent. If your SIL fails to lavish gifts on your little one, and your little one grows up to be quite materialistic, they may decide to have nothing to do with their aunt. On the other hand, their aunt may bring other, non-material benefits into their life that your little one will appreciate.

In any case, your SIL's stinginess is irrelevant to your DH's relationship with his nieces and nephews. Naturally he loves them more than you do. They're his blood. You seem to see them more as tokens on the board of some complicated point scoring game, while he seems to see them as people in their own right.

In short, it's not very nice to keep a mental ledger calculating the value of how much you receive from people and making sure you give exactly the same in return. Your husband sounds like a loving and generous man, and I'm sure he will love and spoil your own child even more than his nieces and nephews, because that's clearly in his nature. Your child is very lucky, and hopefully she'll have a great relationship with her passle of cousins too.

My pregnancies turned me into a capybara! I was so placid and Zen. Every day my little brain was humming, "Everything's so lovely and nice, every little thing's gonna be all right." I had no worries. I miss being in that state.

I think just because their mum is a bit crap doesn’t mean your DH shouldn’t be fostering his relationship with his nieces and nephews. I think it reflects really well on him as a person tbh.

Relax and address what you need to address once the child is here. You are overthinking at this stage.

I’m not getting the issue you’re seeing here at all

Stop comparing. He probably won't "love our child as much I do”, but so what? he seems like a kind and generous man, and I'm sure he'll be a good father regardless of whether he meets your exacting standards.

You need to give your brain a shake good on him being a great uncle that has absolutely nothing to do with your child or his sister. There totally different relationships and as regards children you can never have to many good adults on there side