To worry about DH prioritising nephews and nieces over our child

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My husband’s sister has 4 kids. My husband absolutely spoils them, which I’ve never had an issue with. Like SPOILSSS THEM. I’m currently pregnant with our first child.

The issue is that his sister is honestly the stingiest person I know. She doesn’t even buy my husband a birthday gift once a year at least to just show him appreciation for all he does for her kids. This came up in conversation recently and I said it would be interesting to see how she treats our child (her first ever niece), considering how generous my husband is with her kids.

I said I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t buy our child birthday gifts, and if that ended up being the case, I think my husband would need to reconsider how much he spoils her kids. My thinking is if someone shows they don’t care about your child, that naturally affects how much effort you put in for theirs.

My husband got really offended by this and said it wouldn’t be fair to “punish the kids” because of his sister’s behaviour. I understand that, but I’m struggling to understand how you wouldn’t be hurt or offended if someone clearly didn’t care about your child.

I told him that if my sister treated our child like that, I wouldn’t be going out of my way for her kids either. (For context, my sister is the complete opposite - very generous and extremely excited to be an aunt, so I’m sure the difference will be obvious to him).

Now I’m left feeling unsettled and even questioning how much my husband will prioritise our own child, since he seems so defensive of his nieces and nephews.

So AIBU to be stressing about this and worrying where my child will fall in his priorities, or am I overthinking it? Maybe it’s pregnancy hormones but this is keeping me up atm. Maybe I’m crazy and overthinking!

You don't give to receive and your husband is right, it isn't fair to curtail his innate generosity to his nephews and nieves because their mum isn't as generous and probably won't be as forth coming with your child.

why are you worrying about something that might not happen/hasnt happened? You haven’t even given birth yet. Yabu and very immature.

Your title is totally misleading. Your husband isn’t remotely prioritising his nieces and nephews over your own unborn child and has shown no sign of it from what is in your post.

What you’re really upset about is that he won’t start reducing how he treats his nieces and nephews if their aunt is similarly generous with your child when born. This has nothing to do with whether he prioritises his own children or not, this just tells you if he will penalise the children for the behaviour of their mother. He has said he won’t. He doesn’t want it to affect his relationship with her children. Totally reasonable and YABVU.

I could have written a post very similar to yours op, my DH dotes on his sisters kids like this, spends hundreds of ££s each year on them and I can see it never getting reciprocated and it bugs me!

One thing you can be absolutely sure of though if your DH is like that with them, imagine how he will be with his own kids. I think he will settle down now and start soiling your own little one instead.

I don’t think we have the whole story here. Is your DH a lot older than you? You say he calls his nieces/nephews “every day” - that sounds like they’re older?? Has he perhaps been making up for the fact that he hadn’t had kids of his own, up
until now? What is going on in your life to make you feel insecure about your DH’s relationship with his extended family?

Good luck with everything moving forward.

How utterly weird that your husband rings his nieces and nephews every day. Why does he do this?
I'd be worried too if I was you!

And for his sister never even to bother buy him a present is awful.

You've said what was on your mind and that's obviously upset him. I'd leave that now and concentrate on your pregnancy and your relationship. You're right about SIL but saying anything more will just cause problems, your partner will see what's happening with her and realise his own family are more important.
Frame your scan picture, talk about wondering what the baby will look like in the future, ask to see photos of your husband when he was little, talk about what your child will enjoy doing, ask your partner what their favourite childhood memories are and talk about a plan to do those things with baby once old enough. Plan a a little holiday while you're still pregnant, get the baby's room decorated, get your husband to choose a little coat or outfit for coming home from the hospital or first trip out, and get excited about your family. All these things are wonderful memories in the making, and will make you concentrate on your family and your future together. Your SIL is always going to be there, as are the nieces and nephews, and they will always be part of your partner's life and she's not going to change. Part of why you love him is probably his generosity and love of family, so gently change his focus, but don't show jealousy as that will kill your relationship. There's nothing like being told to love something that will put you off.

Aw he just wants to spoil his nieces and nephews. It’s normal. absolutely nothing to suggest he’s not prioritising his kids.
its not transactional… who cares if his sister doesn’t buy your kids loads of gifts??

I mean, calling them every day is very weird?! I would question whether that can continue to the same extent when you have a child and that maybe he should consider reducing it so it’s not a big shock when baby comes and all his time is (rightly so) directed to his own child.

he calls them everyday? That’s a bit strange tbh

She may not buy presents but she might show adoration to your child in other ways/ you’ve spiralled with the assumptions. Just because your husband is OTT doesn’t mean she’s the devil auntie.

It’s easy to get yourself in knots over things like this especially when you’re pregnant hormonal and over tired. I get that this is so irritating and rude of his sister but try to breath out and let it go for now as the only person it’s hurting is you and your stress levels! Your DH sounds like a decent person and he’s right why should he withdraw something from his beloved nieces and nephews because of their mum. I think you just need to focus on you and your baby and your own family unit. Maybe your SIL will surprise you, maybe she won’t but ultimately it’s not something that has come to pass yet so you don’t need to spend ages dwelling on how you will or won’t deal with it if it even happens.

Sometimes our brains just cling onto the “what ifs” almost as a way to find something specific to attach our anxious feelings to. Might be worth speaking to your midwife if you are having a lot of anxiety in general at the moment. I have suffered on and off with anxiety my whole life so speaking from that experience, there is help out there.

It’s very possible your SIL will be a crap aunt. But I guarantee your kid will have great cousins. As your children get older this will be such a gift.

If your DH loves children, he will love his own children. Relax…

I can understand why you are worried but we spend so much time worrying about things that never happen.

If you feel your DH is prioritising his DNs once your baby arrives, then you have a discussion.

I wouldn’t says the OP is obsessed. She’s clearly trying to negotiate an unbalanced relationship between her DH and his sibling. The SIL does sound irresponsible and severely ungrateful! I can’t imagine many being happy with that dynamic. No wonder the OP is worried about how her DH is going to manage with her baby with a side hustle of a family of 6.

Far too early to worry about this. Your dh is generous with his sisters kids thats lovely, he is of course going to love his own child more and will treat them well.

If Aunt does not give your child gifts in same way your child probably wont notice, if they do they will think i am lucky to have a really generous dad, aunt is a bit tight.

He definitely should not treat the neices ans nephews differently in response to sister. He should pick any issue up with her if it bothers him or his child.

Oh dear op. that previous thread made me wince.

Regardless, relationships aren’t transactional. You don’t give to get - whether that be time, effort or money.

Your husband sounds lovely and it’s your moral compass which sounds off kilter not his! He is making four kids and his relationship with them more important than money. You on the other hand want to stop that if their parent - someone who they have no control over - does not spend X amount of money on your child. He’s made it about the kids and their needs - you’ve ignored their needs and are making it about the money and you are wondering what sort of parent he will be? I bet he is wondering what sort of parent you will be.

This really resonates with me, but I thought someone would burn down the house or break in or my husband would have a car accident! So please give yourself a break and understand that pregnancy heightens our mind to threats and talk to your husband about it.

You have created a whole scenario in your head and have wound yourself up about it. Think about that for a minute

You are being unreasonable, purely because this is all a hypothetical situation so far. Why not wait and see if she does/doesn't do all of these things and then have a row about it, right now its all based on assumptions?

I just your other thread and I think there is a huge back story about your feelings about his sister affecting your thoughts. I find with family stuff if I lower my expectations of others than it reduces my chance of being disappointed

It’s your DH choice to spoil his DNs that doesn’t mean his sister should feel pressured to reciprocate.

Her not reciprocating doesn’t mean she doesn’t love your DC.

He is also correct that why should he stop spoiling them just because she chooses not to reciprocate.

Him spoiling his DN doesn’t mean he isn’t going to “prioritise” your DC.

You sound very materialistic if I’m honest…….

In my experience, doting uncles become less involved with nieces and nephews when their own children come along. It’s natural that they have less time and money available and are more focused on their own baby.
Try not to overthink it.

If he likes spoiling children then he will want to spoil his own even more than others.

The kids will just think, if anything, oh Auntie is stingy / not thoughtful and my dad is generous / thoughtful.
My mum and dad never bought any of my cousins birthday or Xmas gifts ever, I always received presents from my aunts and uncles, I was just embarrassed by my parents for it and my cousins these days just write it off