To worry about DH prioritising nephews and nieces over our child

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My husband’s sister has 4 kids. My husband absolutely spoils them, which I’ve never had an issue with. Like SPOILSSS THEM. I’m currently pregnant with our first child.

The issue is that his sister is honestly the stingiest person I know. She doesn’t even buy my husband a birthday gift once a year at least to just show him appreciation for all he does for her kids. This came up in conversation recently and I said it would be interesting to see how she treats our child (her first ever niece), considering how generous my husband is with her kids.

I said I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t buy our child birthday gifts, and if that ended up being the case, I think my husband would need to reconsider how much he spoils her kids. My thinking is if someone shows they don’t care about your child, that naturally affects how much effort you put in for theirs.

My husband got really offended by this and said it wouldn’t be fair to “punish the kids” because of his sister’s behaviour. I understand that, but I’m struggling to understand how you wouldn’t be hurt or offended if someone clearly didn’t care about your child.

I told him that if my sister treated our child like that, I wouldn’t be going out of my way for her kids either. (For context, my sister is the complete opposite - very generous and extremely excited to be an aunt, so I’m sure the difference will be obvious to him).

Now I’m left feeling unsettled and even questioning how much my husband will prioritise our own child, since he seems so defensive of his nieces and nephews.

So AIBU to be stressing about this and worrying where my child will fall in his priorities, or am I overthinking it? Maybe it’s pregnancy hormones but this is keeping me up atm. Maybe I’m crazy and overthinking!

Don’t be daft.

To be jealous of children must be pretty low? You cannot dictate to your husband how he should interact and behave with his family. I would hit the roof if my husband dictated the parameters of what i’m allowed to give my family, unless you’re saying he is spending your money and your unborn child will go without? I didn’t get that impression though, just extreme resentment and jealousy?

You are massively overthinking this. What's important is how your dh feels and behaves towards his child, not how your SIL does.

This: 'But if she was to treat our child a certain type of way and not gift our child on occasions etc, our child will grow up to see her dad spoiling her cousins while she never gets anything from them?' is just not really important. Within families, people probably often vary in how generous they are with gifts. You need to abandon the idea right now that you can arrange the world and family members so that your child has an experience of perfect fairness. That way madness lies!

I give to my niece to make her happy, I don’t give gifts to bank a gift back on my birthday!!

His relationship with his nieces and nephews is independent of the one their mum has with your child. Giving to them shouldn’t be contingent on what you get back.

it is reasonable though to spend less on them that you used to if you now have less money due to having your own children.

I think kindly, YABU. Your husband wants to spoil them, that's up to him and I wouldn't be encouraging him to stop treating his nieces and nephews generously.
His sister does sound unappreciative and stingy - I genuinely can't imagine a sibling spoiling my kids so much and not even buying them a birthday gift! Does he get her one? Maybe she thinks gifts are just for children. Who knows.

I'd just wait and see what happens and stop worrying about it - I imagine if he spoils his nieces and nephews so much, your own child will be the MOST spoiled one when they're born!

You’re worrying about something that a) hasn’t happened and b) wouldn’t matter if it did happen. Sounds like pregnancy anxiety.

Your dh loves his nieces and nephews and treats them because he loves them. He sounds like a nice guy. He will love your child even more so imagine how much love your child is going to get. He made adjust things when your child is born but let him lead (as long as you can afford it comfortably) try not to compare or be bitter it doesn’t put you on a good light. Ultimately if your dh maintains a good relationship with his dns then the reward is a close relationship when they grow up. If your sil doesn’t bother with your dc (not just financially but with time and effort too) hen they won’t be close to her and she loses out.

You need to separate the Nieces and nephews and their mum in your head I think. They shouldn’t be treated differently based on their mum’s potential lack of interest in your child (which may turn out very different to your expectation anyways!). They are just kids and may feel pushed out by the new child as well, so consistency as much as possible from your husband will probably
be helpful for them.

I have accepted some family
members want (or can) make more of an effort with my children than others and that’s up to them. As your child gets older they will have a closer relationship to those who give them their time (gifts I don’t think think they’ll remember!).

Accept what will be, will be and try not to tie yourself up in knots in the hypothetical.

Can you reframe this in your mind OP.

Your nieces and nephews have an adult in their life showing them love, kindness and generosity and how to treat people they love. He's a good role model for them in a way that their mum isn't.

Your baby will have that person as their dad! A lovely caring person who makes an effort.

One of my siblings isn't one to bother with people's birthdays including the kids. None of her neices and nephews are scarred from it. They just know AuntyX doesn't really bother. A big deal hasn't been made of it. They don't see it as linked to their self esteem as they (luckily) have parents that are like your baby's dad. Their worth isn't measured by if AuntyX gets them a card, we just shrug, don't make a big deal of it and move on to something positive.

I think mum and dad being kind caring people is key. Wider relatives aren't as important.

He’s not much older than me and his nieces and nephews are all really young- what I meant by calling them everyday is he video calls the mum and when it’s a video call she knows it’s for the kids so they answer the phone and they talk for like an hour a day.

Agree!
Sounds like you have a lovely DH and suggests he’ll be a generous and kind Dad-lucky you and your child 🙂

Agree!
Sounds like you have a lovely DH and suggests he’ll be a generous and kind Dad-lucky you and your child 🙂

That’s what I was trying to say to him, that the things he does now are not sustainable. Eg on each kids bday he buys all 4 gifts meaning he buys 16 gifts a year for their bdays, costing hundreds of pounds. I have tried to explain to him that when our child comes in the next 2 months, this will no longer be possible and they will ultimately be disappointed because he will likely be giving them less time and energy eg not able to call them daily, won’t be able to afford all these gifts (especially as I won’t be working and I only get statutory mat leave….) it’s just a lot going on in my mind atm and a lot of stresses that I am finding difficult to navigate

You husband is right! It’s not the kids fault. I have the same with my in laws!! Other than my SIL it’s like we don’t exist in regards to occasions. My husband’s brothers didn’t even acknowledge his recent land mark birthday and refused to come to the event I organised because it wasn’t there thing!! One of his brothers was too skint to get even a selection box for our children at Christmas but we had and alway will buy our niece (his daughter) a gift normally around £60-£70. It’s not her fault he’s dad is tight

Wow that’s sweet, but a big commitment. I’m sure he’ll find when yours comes along there’ll be a bit less time for that kinda thing. Agree that his sister doesn’t sound supportive to him particularly. A bit mean to not buy him a b’day gift but with 4 children, maybe a bit strapped for cash herself…

This.

If my DH had started talking like you are during my pregnancy I'd be worried. You sound jealous of his relationship with his family and you sound like someone who is going to try and create a lot of drama. You also sound like someone who would use a child as a weapon. Your DH is absolutely right that he shouldn't punish children for their parents actions.

Hi OP, I think try not to worrying about this too much, its very much a hypothetical and not worth stressing yourself about during your pregnancy. For what its worth i dont think your husband spoiling your neices and nephews will take away from his love and dedication to his own child. Even if his sister is stingy with gifts for your DC, kids often don't even notice that type of thing, especiallynot young children- so this really is not an immediate issue! It sounds like this is more about your feelings re his sister being stingy/ selfish than it is about the kids. Ultimately, I think your husband is right- its not fair to take out frustration with a parent on the children. I think let this one go for now, it sounds like your partner will be a great Dad to your DC. Congrats on your pregnancy! Xx

I'd suspect that as soon as his own child is on the scene, he'll switch allegiances... ;)

I've seen it happen time and time again. The first few kids in a family get spoilt rotten by everyone. But as soon as the aunties and uncles start having their own children, the original few fall to the wayside.

This reads as you being jealous of your nieces and nephews.

Why can’t your husband dote on them just because he loves them?
Why should his relationship with them change just because his sister is stingy?
Do you think he has a finite amount of love to give and that his nieces and nephews are using it up?

Honestly, grow up. You sound like a petulant child

This is a totally different issue to whether your SIL reciprocates though

Totally disagree.

He spends an hour every day talking to his sister, nieces and nephews. That is beyond bizarre and I'd be hacked off if my DH was doing that day in day out. If he becomes besotted with his new baby, he might well drop nieces and nephews like a hot potato, and that will be his fault for getting into such a ridiculous habit of an hour a day.

I would not borrow problems from tomorrow.

Your DH obviously has capacity for love and generosity and knows how to prioritise children over adults.

Once he has children of his own, there will be a natural period of readjusting priorities anyway.

While your SIL does sound stingy, I always think it’s so much more important to have a capacity to love and give rather than be loved and receive.

So it’s all entirely hypothetical at this stage? YABU.