To ask you how long you waited before visitors

[Starlightsprite]

After you had your baby?

My son and his partner had a baby yesterday morning and came home the same day. I have asked that they let us know when they are ready for visitors and they said that they will.

I am of the generation (is it generational?) that your immediate family were welcome straight away unless there were issues like the baby being poorly or the mother needing more recuperation than average and I couldn’t wait for my family to meet my babies. I already knew people were moving away from this though as I’ve seen it on here so I kind of knew not to expect to visit immediately.

So my question is what were you waiting for in terms if having people visit you? Do people just want a week to themselves in their little bubble? Or is it until you’ve had a good nights sleep? Or until yuh feel more comfortable? I just am wondering how people are doing it these days as I’m dying to meet my grandchild obviously.

There are no underlying issues here by the way, I get along fine with my DIL and son.

Both sets of grandparents and siblings came to visit in the hospital with both mine and also pretty much as soon as we got home. In retrospect I could have done with a day at home without visitors with my first as I had a traumatic birth and episotomy/forceps and a very long labour but I guess I didn't realise you could say no 😂. My youngest is 6 so not long ago. Everyone is different. I think with immediate family it's ok to wait a couple of days but personally I wouldn't make grandparents wait much longer (as long as they don't outstay their welcome 🙈).

Mm, I can’t quite remember. We certainly didn’t have a set idea. I think both sets of parents visited within the first four days. I had two nights in hospital both times, with no visitors, Covid the first time and my choice the second. I just couldn’t bear the thought of anyone besides me, DH and baby squeezing in that horrible, hot, tiny, dark space with all the blood, sweat and tears (and the rest!) all over everything! I was much happier once I was home. Then siblings were sort of thereafter as it suited us and them.
I know with my youngest my mum didn’t seem in any hurry at all. I’m sure she was doing her best to be considerate and put no pressure on but it actually hurt my feelings a bit 😂

Whole family came the evening we bought the baby home. Grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Next day. Gave birth Friday night, moved to maternity unit for Saturday night, then they wanted to make sure I was ok with breastfeeding and do some checks so we left about 5pm Sunday. Grandparents all arrived together on Monday morning from 3 hours away in different directions.

This is MN standard . The baby bubble kept exclusive and relatives held off for a quite a while after the birth.

Only certain relatives though, eh? It's rarely the woman's parents held at arm's length for an infathomable length of time. Almost always her partner's.

It absolutely isn’t told in antenatal classes. At all.

Sadly I think this is part of the problem for new parents. Many of them know that their parents/in laws are going to come for a visit and roll their eyes at you not wanting to heat a bottle in the microwave or whatever it might be because that’s the most current advice. You’re already feeling so overwhelmed with this huge new responsibility that the thought of having to constantly justify why you are doing even the smallest of things slightly different to how your parents did things seems exhausting. Some grandparents take it so personally that you happen to be following current advice. People say “experts” like it’s a bad word which troubles me.

”Experts” are why we have vaccines and car seats even though “my child was fine without a car seat/vaccines/insert any newer parenting phenomenon here”.

Thats not to mention that there’s bollocks like this where people Chinese whisper nonsense that “experts are telling new parents these days”.

Had mine in the eighties. I had seven people in the delivery room about half an hour after giving birth while I was eating my toast

Boths sets of parents came to hospital then nipped in almost every day. Child one it was a godsend as I had been ill and then child two they were very much needed as age gap was small and support was essential to me.

i think this no visitors thing has evolved since having my teens. I can understand how it’s hurtful but can also understand new parents needing time too.

Yeah sorry I wanted my Mum to help me change my blood drenched maternity pants and help clean my wound and not my MIL. How insane of me 🙄

Congratulations!

It may have already been mentioned but I understand that in previous generations new mums and babies were kept in hospital a few days. Now it’s home very quickly most of the time so that might be a factor on timeframes too x

It's not often I'm typical MN but I was in this case. We did a fortnight "baby bubble", I don't regret it, although I realise it was unfair on relatives. I struggled to breastfeed and spent a lot of time on the sofa with my boobs out, no pressure or audience, I was greatful for that time that was just us.

Part of the reason was we weren't local to family, I didn't want people staying a long time or overnight. My parents in law would have respected this and stayed in a hotel, my Dad would not and would have expected to be waited on. I would have liked my Mum to have been there sooner, but she's a package with my Dad!

We've never relied on family for babysitting BTW, we've never been close enough.

My parents came to the hospital. My husband is NC with his parents but I wouldn't have wanted in-laws there whilst I was trying to breastfeed, having my catheter removed, dealing with lochia, etc.- it's all quite private stuff. Your son didn't give birth and he's not the one in recovery.

Added to that, most guests seem to be incredibly bad at visiting new parents. Guests that we had complained about the mess (DH had been working long hours up to the birth, there were 3 of us + baby in a 2 bed flat, and I had obviously been recently heavily pregnant and not that mobile, so yes, it was a bit messy) ate all the snacks, asked when we were making them lunch and dinner, brought all their emotional problems and drama with them and expected me to continue to act as a free counselling service whilst nursing and then gave unwanted and unhelpful tips including introducing a dummy, adding formula, swaddling and a whole lot of other stuff I'd decided against. "Then you wouldn't be so tired!" Actually, I'd be less tired if you shut up so I could take a nap.

Two days later for my parents, sister and kids visited after about a week/10 days, but no holding baby as her kids were that age where they are always getting sick. Friends/other family, about two plus weeks

I think some posters need to remember that woman are less inclined to put up and shut up these days. There is a photo of my mum with me in the hospital, surrounded by family just hours after a traumatic birth. She felt she couldn’t say “no” as it was the done thing then.

These days more and more woman are saying “I just want my DH there, and I want time to heal my stitches and not have my parents/in laws round within 24 hours of labour/surgery” and I feel that’s valid.

We need to remember a straight forward birth is still hard on the mum and it’s fair to want a few days to heal before having everyone pop over.

You wait 9 long months for your baby, it’s more than OK to just want to keep them to yourself for a couple days.

That being said I think the one month rule is a bit of a stretch if birth, mum and baby were all well and happy. I say give new parents a week before getting itchy feet to see new baby.

DS1 (26). My bedside in hosp was like Bethlehem, it's one of my treasured memories. First grandchild on both side.
There was no restriction on visiting from us, but of course people were respectful and courteous and asked if they could visit.

DS2 (16) was home next day so no visitors in hosp.
You know I can't actually remember. It wasn't a great time to be honest, but it was still the time when it was just left to the parents to decide.

Should also add, I know some mums are happy for people to visit at hospital and as soon as they are home. Some don’t, both are fair

ds 1 I stayed in overnight, and all grandparents visited that day along with some friends

ds2 exdp came to the labour ward with ds1 so he was our first visitor! Then sil met us at the house as she's been looking after our dogs. The following day grandparents came and other sil

My in laws the day after we got home from the hospital and my parents after a few days, with my first. I had an induction, forceps, 3rd degree tear and haemorrhage. I was also feeling unwell mentally. I didn't really want anyone there to be honest (including myself 😂).

Second and third time I was begging my parents to come ASAP as they had proved themselves to be amazing grandparents and they were invaluable to us in those first few weeks and I hope they enjoyed that time firmly in our bubble too.

My in laws definitely met them pretty soon but had neither time, health nor capacity to be able to help much so very different to my mum and dad.

About a week probably with #1. I spent 3 nights in hospital then by the time we came home it was into the weekend and we were finding our feet, then it was back to the working week where family were working. I'm sure my MIL came over the week after then my mum the week after that?

With #2 I got home late at night, MIL saw the baby and again the next day. I'm sure she had a hold at some point but I don't remember.

With #1 I initially said I didn't want visitors for 2 weeks but that was mainly because I have family abroad and I didn't want to have them to stay with us until I was feeling a bit more human. I was ready for visitors in short bursts within a few days and by #2 I was at a toddler group but day 5 because I needed to get out.

Everybody and every birth is different, the child number is different too so what might work for one family might not work for another and what one family did with one of their babies might not be what they want to do with another.

For those who do this " bubble" is it only for the first baby? If not how do you manage to take kids to school) nursery etc without all and sundry seeing the baby before relatives? DD2 was born Monday and by Weds had to be dropped at nursery DS was Saturday and school run on Monday

It doesn't matter what you think, this is their decision. Be ok with it or not, but if you're offended and pushy, that will be remembered.

Things have changed because we now realize how immature newborn immune systems are and that lots of people bringing their germs around is not a good idea. It's peak RSV and Influenza season right now. Plus, the parents are exhausted.

I did 40 days of seclusion. The kids didn't spoil and they didn't end up in the hospital or get sick.

I actually preferred being visited in hospital... No 'hosting' or being aware of mess, limited time. But I was in for a few days .My family visited within 24 hours in hospital. My in laws waited until at home as they had further to travel but was within a day or 2 of us getting home. I found having a newborn very hard but showing them off to close family / friends was one of my favourite bits, and I liked some company. And if anything I found it got harder as the days went on as the tiredness accumulated, the hormones went haywire, the initial excitement and glow wore off. So I definitely don't think I'd have found first visitors easier after more time had passed.

I would have felt very different if these visitors expected to stay longer than a couple of hours or were difficult people though I'm sure! I certainly couldn't have coped with overnight guests for months!

One thing I would say is that I'd have found someone saying 'let us know when you want visitors' harder in a way, as that would have put thinking on me and implied I had to be 'ready' in some way or that they were expecting to be treated as visitors. As long as you make it clear they can say no and you don't expect any hosting, I personally think 'can we drop in briefly tomorrow ' would be preferable to me, unless they've hade it clear in advance they don't want visitors for a while.

My parents went through a very acrimonious divorce and live abroad. My father was incredibly angry that I did not want the two of them to visit at the same time. I prioritised my mother to visit for the first week.

My in-laws are a delight and respected my wishes.

It becomes so much trickier when people visit from further away. DD2 was quite poorly and needed a lot of hospital visits. Imagine having to navigate that and handle tricky visitors at the same time.

Weren't you bored senseless isolated fand stuck in the house for 40 days?

I think its a generational thing. I couldn't wait to show off my baby and had loads of visitors that first week which to be quite honest I would have gone spare if I hadn't had something to look forward, to as they kept you in for nearly a week with set visiting times. When I got home I had a few people knock on to see if they could have a little look and I was more than happy to show him off and I enjoyed the company. I really don't understand this change in attitude but each to their own I guess.