DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

[dswork]

DS 20 has ASD and ADHD. Since 18 he has had multiple jobs and not coped with any in any form. FT, PT, retail, hospitality, admin etc etc.

Every job requires me to support him SO much. I have to help him get ready, deal with panic attacks and anxiety daily. Call in when he can’t leave the house, drop him off and pick him up and through every shift offer support with calls and messages when he has to take breaks . I’m exhausted and he just can’t seem to cope.

He gets PIP. Do I suggest to him that he puts a claim in for UC? To have a temporary break from working as it really doesn’t seem to be working out at all? The GP is supportive as says the stress and anxiety for DS is so high that he’s in burnout.

It is so sad to hear such judgmental posts from people who don’t understand how challenging life is for people with disabilities.
As others have said, look into getting help from outside services. Your son is an adult and should be entitled to help from outside agencies in his own right. We got support from Social Services employment team and they were terrific at giving advice about entitlement to benefits as well as PT jobs. They helped DS secure a PT job as well as with access to work. I’m not sure if your son has had a needs assessment for Social services. If not it might be worth looking into. DS also does voluntary work and we are exploring social activities too.
If you are spending so much time supporting him into work as well as caring for his needs in general, you are likely to get burnout too and you can’t sustain that forever as no doubt the last 20 years have been tough too.
Id also recommend looking into ESA/ LCWRA criteria and seeing if your son meets it. These benefits are to support people who can’t follow the same work path as others because they are disabled. It is totally different to people who choose not to work.

I'd keep going with the jobs, eventually he'll find one that fits. My brother with ASD works on a farm. My ASD cousin works in a warehouse.

My friend's ASD / ADHD brother mows lawns / does gardening. He was lucky in that his dad was able to retire young (police) and helped set up the business for him, and worked alongside him for many years. He now does it all independently.

Not saying farming or warehouse work or gardening are the answer but there will be something.

The frontal lobe is still developing at 20
I’m not saying that’s justification for everything but if he’s already depressed and he’s still growing as well it’s not a recipe for success. When it comes to employment. It doesn’t mean to say he’ll always be that way.
I think most people of our generation in the 90s were a bit of a fuck up until we hit 25
It’s just that the world was a bit more forgiving

Some horrible posts on here.

Asd burnout is a condition recognised by the RCPYs. And the only way out is by reducing demand and increasing rest. The ONLY way out. If it’s ignored it becomes permanent. Then where would the benefit whingers be?

My df was in WW2. It broke him. So big wow to the fighter pilots. And the fascist benefit Scrooge’s.

AUDHD doesn’t go away and can be a severe fluctuating disability. Aren’t you lucky you have the privilege of making nasty comments?. Walk a mile in the 20 year old’s shoes first.

Yes he could claim UC. If he is unfit to look for work currently then he can hand in fit notes to say he is unfit for work and that would start off the UC work capability process. Let them know that he also receives PIP. They may well have disability work coaches who can help support him, the government are currently putting in a lot of extra support in this area.

Has he got any medication for any of the conditions? Worth a try tbh

Rather than looking for another job, try to work out what stresses him. Being on uc for the rest of his life will not make him happy

My nephew had a similar problem and took 6 months working outside as a volunteer for a conservation charity. Went on a few training courses paid for by them, then applied for a full time paid position working for them somewhere rural and has been there, happy, ever since.

@StrokeCitythank you fir saying that- there is so little understanding.

BOTH my YP are currently very close to Autistic Burnout. One is 18, one is 21. One ASD, one AuDHD. Both severely Dyslexic, both Dyspraxic. The older one has had heart problems & has POTS.
We are planning a summer gap 3m. Sleeping, eating healthily, getting outside in daylight. Reading, drawing, processing the last 15 years of school (relentlessly difficult for all). If I continue to 'push' one or more of us will have a breakdown. I claim UC & Carers but they are not in receipt of benefits. I hope by Sept they will be able to manage education/ p/t work.
With the best will in the world, & the correct meds being available (a whole other story) they are only likely to manage p/t work.
This is not me 'throwing them on the scrapheap' this is reality. Cooking, hygiene, laundry, admin, social interaction is significantly harder & more exhausting for them than for non disabled people. Add in study/work & it's a daily mountain to climb.

Now I'm not constantly having to micromanage School/College etc I might be able to come up with a small home businesss plan, so they can be economically productive that way, as God knows if Reform are voted in, everyone 'on benefits' /trying to find disability friendly employment will find life even harder than it is now.

Sounds like a good plan to claim UC whilst you find a different job plan and recover. I agree with your GP. You both need a break, after two and a half years it’s not supposed to be that hard. I agree there’s something out there though, plenty of us take a while to find the thing that works.

is there something positive he can do whilst he’s recovering that would make him feel good about himself?

I have a DD very similar so understand the stress. She is now in a work experience placement run and supervised by the local college who understand these young adults needs and are gently supporting them into a position where in the future they may be able to cope with work.
It is unpaid but she receives UC.
There may be something similar in your area?

Does he take ADHD medication?
my DH struggled to hold down a job (ASD/adhd) but since starting on ADHD medication he’s now been in his current job for 2 years. It’s genuinely changed his life as it helps him to focus

I do think you need to encourage him to do something positive if he stops working to get him work ready, eg volunteering perhaps in the open air, and definitely chores at home. He’s not coping but from having an autistic dd I know that she slipped into not doing anything too easily when she is capable of doing something, she works 15 hours a week which seems to be an equilibrium

For what it's worth, and I know every individual is different, my ND son had such paralyzing anxiety at uni that he suffered what used to be called a "nervous breakdown" and had to drop out. Ten years later, he is in a different and much, much better place mentally. It took a long time and it wasn't easy, but he eventually got a part time job, went back to uni part-time online, got his degree, and got a CELTA qualification. He did this without medication or therapy - just, as he put it, a lot of sitting with himself, and honest introspection.

I'm not saying that what worked for him will work for your son, I'm just saying that there's hope, and in ten years your son may well also be in a different and better place. But I think it has to be done at his pace, in his own time, so if what he needs right now is some time out, that's what you should do.

Maybe what your son needs is a job that is high routine/low contact with other humans. Retail, hospitality and admin all seem like jobs designed to stress out the neurodivergent. How does he fill his time when he's at home and not working?

Have PM you x

Yes I would for both your sakes. Maybe look into a once a week or twice a week volunteering role so he doesn’t get out the habit of work but gives him a role with a lot less stress. Then when he’s ready really look into what might suit him. Sounds incredibly tough for you both.

my family member dropped out of a work placement in similar circumstances and didn’t leave house, got even more depressed and 10 years later isn’t working despite wanting to desperately.

anything at all to keep him going out, cuddling a neighbour’s cat, local library, after school nanny to school aged kids via sitters.com.

all of mine are really happy never leaving the house ever lost in their fantasies and safe place and a little bit of positive destinations daily..good luck @dswork you sound like you have been doing a stellar and very hard job x

Op this site has a weird obsession with work being the only possible route to fulfilment to ignore the ones pushing him down that route. Get him a stable source of income with UC and let him have a good rest.

After a few months when he is feeling better and wants something to fill up his day times then there are quite a few options for him. He can try low pressure volunteer work, or try some of the online work from home jobs (it seems leaving the house is a big trigger for him so this might be worth it).

There are often also day centre places adults can attend so they are getting out of the house and socialising in a structured way without the pressure of work. I attended one myself for a year while recovering from PTSD after a traumatic event. These do need to be paid for but you can apply for direct payments to cover the cost.

Even if those options fail then all he needs is a decent routine and structure for a happy life. I ended up not going back to work after my day centre year as I developed a worsening physical disability that made it very hard to leave my house alone. But I have set things I do every week that keep me social and happy and I do my hobbies around them. I've been out of work for 15 years now and have a mostly happy life.

Your DS needs to forge his own path for what will make a fulfilling life for himself - work doesn't seem to be part of that path right now so he needs to switch directions.

How long has he been in burnout op?

My dd has been in for 5 years but coming out. ADHD meds and sertraline both helped an awful lot. Fluoxetine did nothing.

Mine is on Pip and UC including LCW. She’s made it to uni but is exhausted all the time so we have to in effect look after her.

And for the benefit whingers. Yes she’s in both and at uni. And yes they know.🖕🏼

Why does he want to work?

Could you try and see if there’s anything online he can do, even volunteering?

That way he’s still feeling like he’s working but he won’t get as stressed leaving his safe space.

Of course there is a concern that he may get too comfortable being at home but what’s he’s doing now is making him (and you) unwell.

Hopefully, in the future you can find some volunteering or even things like youth clubs to get him out of the house and start slowly learning to cope in a NT world.

Is he on ADHD meds? My DS13 is AuDHD too and meds have really helped him during the day with school.
DD17 is ASD and is chronic fatigue/ burnout a lot as she only has limited spoons (look up spoons theory if you’re not aware of this). DD is in arr college and wants to work for herself when she’s older rather than have a job that we know she won’t cope with either, she can barely do 3 afternoons at art college let alone the stress of work and getting there etc.
perhaps let him have x months -+ if needed to recover and recoup, check anything he’s able to apply for financially and see what he wants to do that he can do
good luck

No the gp will not prescribe due to DS having low blood pressure
This doesn't sound right at all. Yes some anxiety medication aims to reduce blood pressure but not all. Also you said he tried antidepressants and gave up due to side effects.

Side effects are almost inevitable at the beginning, you just have to ride it for a few weeks until the positive effects kick in and really makes a difference.

Your son needs to understand that are no miracle remedy to his difficulties and he needs to give things a try.

If he was my son, I would support him quitting his job but only on the condition he tries the medication again and stick to it however uncomfortable it is. He will have no obligations, that means he can deal with it.

I would also give him a timescale and expect some form of plan during that period, such as a walk outside every day, some social interaction, online cbt, and a time to reevaluate.

Please for the sake of your son, don't support him to quit and do nothing for weeks on. This would only increase his sense of worthlessness, depression hopelessness and fear of the future and become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

He shouldn't need any anti anxiety meds, he needs to live in a world that does not cause him anxiety. It's ridiculous and ableist to suggest that someone with a disability should be medicated in order to go to work. I hope he can get PIP and UC @dswork and you can help arrange an environment in which he can function better.

This thread has attracted some of mumsnet’s more unpleasant posters. Have reported the whole thread rather than individuals as this sort of nasty shit needs stamping out.

ADHD meds won't hep

24% of the working population have SEN... do we just write them all off and chuck them on benefits?

I'm not sure as a population we can afford that.

And to the person suggesting I'm not supporting someone with SEN - I am... myself and my 10 year old...