Should I apologise to DH?

[WorldMap24]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.......should I apologise to DH?

Background is we both work full time, have 2 teenagers, and we share the chores. I would never moan that he doesn't pull his weight on a normal day. The teenagers also play their part in looking after the house / each other.

Today I finished work a bit late and got home around 7pm. Dinner was ready for me (DS had cooked, not DH, in case that makes a difference) and DH came and sat with me to chat about our days and keep me company. He had eaten with the kids earlier.

As I'm coming to the end of my meal he casually mentions that the dog has had an accident on the (carpeted) landing.

Background on the dog. She is 8 years old and is usually good at night, but she would have an accident maybe once every other month. She nearly always has an accident in the kitchen, if at all. She has had accidents elsewhere in the house when on medication previously.

DH says he saw a wet patch on the carpet this morning but assumed it was water (why I don't know). Didn't bother to check this, clear the 'water' up, or investigate where it came from.

This afternoon, after stepping in it and smelling it, he has realised it's urine. He has gotten one of the dogs towels, trodden over it a few times, then left it! His reasoning is:

• he thought he had trodden most of it out (he hadn't)
• he didn't know how to use the vax
• he didn't know what to do e.g. use vax / carpet powder etc
• he was working from home and had to make some calls (he does use his phone a lot for work but he doesn't usually have more than one scheduled call, and most calls are internal within the company. He can make up time later and is always over his hours anyway. I don't know what time he finished work today)

I have shouted at him for being so thoughtless! How could he see a wet patch, assume it's OK (especially with a dog with her history), then when he realised it was urine on the carpet left it for HOURS to dry further into the carpet?!

He is pissed off that I've shouted at him and is looking for an apology. I have spent ages cleaning it up and I'm furious that he is making me out to be the bad guy. I'm not sure if he was being lazy, thoughtless or a mixture of both.

So give it to me straight, aibu for not apologising and maintaining my pissed off demeanor? Or is he just an absolute prat, and I had every right to show I was annoyed with his complete lack of rational thought all flippin day?

Listen, neither of you wanted to clean-up dog piss from the carpet.

Your DH did the minimum to convince himself job done, he could then sit his arse-down. Told you, so that you know he does help out with things.

You explode because his minimum is not your minimum. You now have to-do your minimum before you get to sit your arse-down.

They do say ‘many hands make light work’ 😂

Basically drop your standards to your husband’s level or get on with it.

Surprised people think you’re not unreasonable, for me you are not unreasonable to be annoyed but hugely to shout, and if the genders were reversed people would be crying is he always abusive if he shouts over minor things,

I agree with this. I couldn't have got worked up about this if he generally pulls his weight. I'd have said, "No time like the present for you to learn how to work the vax!" and then gone up with him to guide him as he cleans it properly. Shouting is just so unnecessary in any relationship and should always be followed by an immediate apology.

After 25 years of marriage, if my husband shouted at me for something selfish, useless and filthy I had done, I would not bat an eyelid. In the context of a safe, equal and loving relationship, it would not bother me I’m afraid. Obviously if it was prolonged and aggressive it would be a different story. But as a quick short frustrated burst, it would not be a big deal.

I grew up with Parents who gave each other the silent treatment. That was far far more damaging for me than a frustrated shout would have been.

We do need to agree to disagree as I don’t perceive shouting at your partner in this context as any form of sign of a safe equal or loving relationship and feel sad for you you think this is what thay looks like.

Thanks for your concern 😘

For what it’s worth, we both shout occasionally in a very long, equal and happy marriage. And no we wouldn’t shout over a mistake like burning the dinner but over being a lazy git? Yeah, I’d shout!
And whoever said dog pee doesn’t smell? Er yes, it does. Op I recommend Urine Destroyer, you can get it off Amazon, cleans it up a treat.

We’re all different. I wouldn’t like it, I would find it very upsetting in the same way I would find a boss shouting at me or a friend. I’m not planning on taking a dump in the middle of the lounge in front of their friends, so can't really imagine what kind of situation I would accept being shouted at. Dog piss would annoy me but not make me shout. My kids didn’t grow up in a shouty house and I think we have reaped the benefits of that too.

The only person I’ve shouted at is my sister but that was very warranted and a long time ago when we were teenagers (so not the same on any level).

@Daisywhatsyouranswer It’s just the usual hypocrisy, sigh.

You shouldn't have shouted, but when confronted with that situation at the end of a long day, I think it's an understandable slip. No one's perfect, and we don't have endless patience.

What's not understandable is why he left urine on the carpet all bloody day, when he had multiple opportunities to clean it up. His excuses are pathetic. If he knows how to use google and he's intelligent enough to hold down a job, then he knows how to deal with dog urine in carpet. Bloody google it, man.

I'd tell him that you'll apologise for shouting when he apologises for not cleaning up urine. And also, that if he really doesn't know how to, he'd best learn through practice, and cleaning up the next several messes the dog might make. Then, when he apologises (if he does) genuinely tell him you're sorry you shouted and you should have remained calm...but he still has to clean up the next few dog accidents that might occur.

Then make sure you remember to get him to do it, if or when it happens again!

No you shouldn't have shouted, but you also shouldn't have cleaned it up. He should have been the one to do it. If you do find it needs going over again make sure he does it not you OP!

I probably would have apologised too for shouting, that's not how we want to communicate as a couple.
However I wouldn't have cleaned up the carpet either, I would have sent him the instructions on what to do and he would have done it (and learned from it for next time).

Pleased you’ve not done anything in those 25 years to ‘make’ your dh shout at you.

Isn’t there another thread here about a woman upset because her husband shouts at her for being lazy, or at least he perceives her as lazy. I might revisit it to see if posters are overwhelmingly in favour of the dh shouting.

The fact the some posters on here think the incident is a big thing and some don’t shows it is subjective, and if someone shouts at you because subjectively you ‘made’ them shout at you, how can that ever be okay?

Yes. I was answering OPs question. It's what I would do. It starts a conversation, hopefully calmly, around what happened. Realistically you can't really make people apologise. If I have something to apologise for, I try to get on with it.

@WorldMap24 If my post seem accusatory about neglect I am sorry that was not the intention, I mentioned that amount of accidents point to other issues that you have already identified and dealing with. it’s hard dealing with a pet with health issues.

if it helps, bio washing powder in a little warm water gently agitated into the carpet and given a few minutes to work their enzyme magic before sucking up with the vax is super quick and effective.