I’m cheating what to do

[ashamedclown]

Hi all. For the last couple of years I have realised fallen out of love with my DH. We’ve been married for twenty five years and got married in our late teens and we both came from religious households (I am no longer religious myself). We have three children together (19, 17, and 16). I don’t hate him but I just no longer can stand being around him. I am ashamed but for the last nine months I have been having an affair. He’s not in a relationship and he is generous and kind. He says now that I have to tell my husband about us so that we can officially get together but this would mean admitting to what I’ve done. I don’t know my children or parents would react to me having done something so horrible. What should I do?

Why would other things be considered cheating?
What other things? Looking at each other's stamp collection?

What you saying is nonsense.
Everyone's circumstances are different
and I have always put myself first.
So should the OP.

Blackmail???

Hahah you’re a wind up merchant 😂😂😂

How is staying in a relationship you’re unhappy in putting yourself first?! 😂😂

Let me guess your DH doesn’t like you and cheats on you but you’re too weak to be single, so you ‘get your own back’ by cheating and it makes you feel like you have some control over your miserable little life.

I would feel sorry for you if it wasn’t so cringey.

Pointless. Others have said how naive you are but you still don’t accept it. Seriously, what do you think a secret 9 month affair looks like?? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Out of the frying pan and into the fire springs to mind! Does the OM declare undying, unconditional love for you? Is he serious about officially being together? Have you spent any time at his home or is it a quick in the backseat sort of affair? Tread carefully OP, you might end up losing more than you anticipate.

Life is complicated, far more complex than any superior being on here will ever admit to. None of us are perfect. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the psychology behind affairs. They usually begin when someone feels trapped in their current relationship for whatever reason- usually finances, children and can be societal expectations. They’re deeply unhappy and feel something is missing from their lives. Someone comes along and there’s a spark and some excitement again in their life after years of misery. They can’t just up and leave their spouse overnight for aforementioned reasons and so an affair begins.

Also think some people enjoy the thrill and excitement of hiding and potentially getting caught. It doesn’t mean you’re an evil nefarious person, just distinctly human. But they all have to end eventually and it’s either a case of telling your DH, separating and going with your new partner, separating and being single or telling DH and trying to make your marriage work. You could also end the affair and try to keep it quiet forever but that generally doesn’t end well. Crime and Punishment springs to mind.

Have some backbone and do the right thing.

Unhappy? Leave. THEN meet someone new when ready. Everyone deserves a chance at being happy, no issue with that and you should go for it - when you are free.

Cheating is scummy behaviour and after so many years together, your husband at least deserves some respect.

Was his affair 9 months long? …. Not sure why you’re still defending anything here 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Why are you obsessing on this?

You think a single man has been seeing a married woman with kids for 9 months and not at least getting a shag out of it?

Stop the affair.

It isn't the right way to go about being unhappy in your marriage
AND now isn't fair on the OM because he clearly has feelings for you and wants to be together.

You haven't said you want to be with OM as a proper relationship?

Is there any danger that he would tell your DH?

Stop the affair, but start to make a plan as to how you can responsibly leave your marriage - i.e don't throw a bomb into the household on the middle of your 16 yo GCSEs. (which is why I am not saying tell your H until the time is right)

Stop using an affair as a distraction to an unsatisfactory marriage, sort your life out and then look at other men if you want.

Ignore the Judgers on here. MN is notoriously hostile to affairs. An affair at the end of a dead marriage is hardly unusual or the worst thing person can do. Its dully common.

If you can't stand being near you husband, your marriage is over and you should leave.

Then you can see what happens with your affair partner. It might work out or it might not.

But leave because your marriage is over. Don't leave to be with the new guy.

Why is it believable that you would “snog and other things” someone from the gym but not shag them? See whenever and wherever you imagine them snogging…just imagine the exact same but they are shagging instead.

He is a single man. Presumably with his own home. Sometimes people shag in their homes. There’s a little hint for you.

All wrong. 😂
But it's unusual to see someone as righteous as yourself.

He says now that I have to tell my husband about us so that we can officially get together

OK, then, telling her what to do. And it looks like she feels she hasn't got a choice - if she wanted to do that and be 'together with him properly', she'd have left her husband of her own volition.

Found out before Christmas that my husband cheated on me 11 years ago, it was a kiss and a grope on a stag do so not as disgusting as having an affair like you're doing - and I cannot put into words how much it has destroyed me and everything I thought was my past, present and future. Stop being a selfish cunt and leave the poor man.

You didn’t ask for correction, but I would be remiss not to let you know that your affair partner is not a kind person. Kind people don’t have affairs with married people.

Kind married women don't have affairs full stop.

Oh, I forgot , silly me , we're in MN where we prefer to bring men down, and never blame the women 🙄

Thank you, maybe you could take a leaf out of my book and have a bit of righteousness yourself.

Makes me angry not going to lie. Seen so many examples of people cheating and then they run off into the sunset leaving people heartbroken - decent people who would never cheat. I've no faith in relationships or people anymore.