Ex wife still has husband’s surname

[ByCyanPlayer]

Am I wrong to be peeved that my husband’s ex-wife still uses his surname, despite them being divorced 28 years and they were only married for 2 years? They share a son who is 30 but I fail to see why she can’t go back to her maiden name, plus she isn’t the type to be bothered about her and her son having the same surname.

my married name is very much MY name. I chose to take it and had the hassle (like many woman do of changing it) so thats the name
i would keep even if we got divorced. In a few years it will have been my name longer than my maiden name was so there is more of an attachment to it so why would i go back to the other one? Everyone knows me as this name and it is my children’s name. Bank, licence, passport etc? No, I wouldn’t change back if my marriage didn’t work out & if a new wife sprung up and was pissed off about it - tough! It is my name just as it is your husbands ex wifes name and has been for a long time! Presumably she’s had the name long before you?

That's the thing isn't it? Mildly understandable to be a bit miffed that your husband's ex still has his surname (I mean, I wouldn't care, and can understand it - especially as they had a child together,) but people are entitled to feel how they feel.

But to have held onto this for nearly 30 years is a special kind of batshit. Deeply worrying too, and shows that even after 3 decades together, the OP still sees/regards her DH's ex wife as a threat.

Yes as you say "she's her own person" .so can call herself what she likes. Just cos you wouldn't choose to do so doesn't mean "she " has to follow suit

Where does OP say they've been together for 30 years? Or even 28? I assumed she was fairly newly married for this to annoy her.

It’s hassle to change on all documents.

was bad enough changing it when got married

all work stuff is now in married name so another reason to stay as I’m know as that name for work

now divorcing and I will still be Mrs Married name as Also the same name as our child

Unclear why you have any say over this persons name! Yeh you are wrong to be peeved.

I support equity. Men aren’t expected to do this, so why should women? It’s practice rooted in male privilege and the literal ownership of women and children.

I never ask engaged women if they will be changing their names, but I now make sure to ask engaged men. How else will anything change?

This stress could all be so simply avoided if everyone just kept their names!!

What is your success rate so far?

I wouldn’t give a shit - well I don’t as my husbands ex still has his name.

It wouldn’t be for me personally, I’d go back to my maiden name as soon as we split

This wouldn’t bother me. It’s her name, she must have had it longer than her maiden name by now- just let it go.

I kept my previous married name till I remarried last year- DD was 18 & we’d been divorced for nearly 14 years. I kept the name as she was still young and at school when we separated.
DH ex wife still uses her married name - they’ve been divorced a similar length of time & DC are 28/30 so mid teens when they separated. I’m just not that fussed what name she goes by, her choice.

She wanted the same name as her child when growing up and now that she’s had it so long, it’s just her name with no marital meaning to it. Plus! to change your name is an absolute faff, as you have to then change your name on your bank-account, passport, driving licence at the doctor’s and so forth. And there’s no need to. She may also like to have the same name as her GC if on the cards!

OP, it may upset you her keeping the name, but you’re not important in the Ex Wife’s life so she doesn’t give a cr*p what you’d like to happen.

In 3 cases it persuaded the female not to change her name and in another they portmanteued.

So - is it acceptable or not as the case may be to keep your ex's surname and also call yourself Mrs. Ex's name? My parents got divorced 30 years ago and my mother always called herself Mrs. married name, her best friend / my Godmother got divorced at the same time and went back to her married name, it was a bit confusing to me as a child.

It’s a bit odd, my mum is the same. I think in those days it was important to have same name as children. Don’t see why it would bother you, that is also odd

I would have taken precisely that attitude to the social diktat to change my name in the first place, if the idea of doing so had ever even occurred to me.

Who indeed could be bothered with all that admin?

It isn't. A name is an identity. It's important.

Otherwise you wouldn't mind in the least if people started addressing you as 'Brian'.

I see your point, but there is a difference in that 'Brian' is not a name that the person has ever been known by.

I answer to either of my surnames without rancour.

I only have the surname I have had since birth. Never once have I answered to another name, but because I’m married it seems to confuse the hell out of people. I even had someone tell me it was illegal to remain Ms Myname after marriage and that giving our daughter my surname with DH’s as a middle name was child abuse.

It's her surname, not her ex husband's. Why should she change it if she doesn't want to

The vast majority of women who get married, including me. It isn't hard.

It's even less hard not to. It's a ridiculous, patriarchal anachronism.

It's worth the minor inconvenience if you want to use the same name.

If you don't, don't.

I was only married to my first husband for 6 months but I kept his name for 14 years. It’s a hell of a faff to change it all back.