Arguments over money

[Wholelotoflabour]

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together for 3 years and my boyfriend rents a flat in town (manchester). I currently live in Preston in halls at university so I go home at the weekend and stay with my boyfriend.

I don’t have a job, I just have my student loan. I get this every 3 months and it works out that I have £50 a week. I get by okay, do my food shopping at Aldi but I have been looking for a part time job as well.

When I go round to my boyfriends at the weekend, he often wants to cook lots of nice food and do things. So he will go to the shop to buy food for the weekend, but then two weeks ago he text me while I was on the train back saying he is sick of me never paying half of the food that he buys us at the weekend. I called him and apologised and said after I have bought my own food shopping plus return train tickets to his house, paid my phone bill I don’t have much money left. Sometimes I don’t have any money left at all. My grandparents help me out by giving me a little bit each month if I’m struggling, but this is another reason why I am trying to get a job, I don’t want them to keep doing this as I feel guilty.

I said I am happy to contribute to the food costs but we can’t be buying loads of stuff and shopping at expensive places, or maybe he can sometimes come to Preston instead so that I’m not spending money on travel expenses every weekend. Then I’ll have money left to contribute to food.

Also, I told him I am trying to find a job but it’s hard to find one that is evenings through the week. It will need to be a weekend job, which means I won’t be able to see him much at the weekends. With uni, revising, working etc, I’m not going to have much time. He isn’t happy with this, so I feel like I can’t win! Before I went to uni everything was fine, I had a job so I had more money.

What is the right thing to do in this situation? Am I in the wrong somehow? I know it’s not fair for him to pay everything but if I don’t physically have the money, I’m not sure what to do? He has been off with me since the conversation two weeks ago and last weekend when he bought food I offered to pay a bit and he said “no it’s fine” but was clearly in a mood. Not sure where to go from here really

I was just thinking about the maternity situation as I read your post.

I've seen it so many times here where a man is expecting his wife to continue to pay half of the household expenses despite the fact that she is on no or low income while on maternity leave, or she has to take a lower paying job after having kids but still expected to pay the same towards household expenses while DH ends up with lots of free money for his "hobbies" while she can barely muster £25 at the end of the month.

@Wholelotoflabour unfortunately you're both at different stages of life so there is no way you can spend like he wants because you're still a student without a part time job, and he wouldn't be happy cutting down to your level so either you have an arrangement that he only shops for himself and you sort your food out (which is ridiculous), or you receive how much you stay over at his place, you see when you can, or end the relationship.

Looking ahead I don't see him as the kind of man who will be your partner in the future so I would end it and focus on your studies and starting your career for now.

Dump this man. Your post is a perfect summary of why it’s not really the age difference that matters, it is the difference in power. The two of you aren’t that far apart in age, but you are at dramatically different life stages. He should be especially careful about that. Instead, he lets you spend money on travel and then guilts you about not contributing to a food budget beyond your means.

This. You travel to him each week, at your cost, while he pays for food. That sounds fair to me. He could visit you and you could cook for him. But I suspect that would be too inconvenient for him.

You can't afford more, unless you get a job. That's a simple fact. Perhaps that makes you incompatible while you study.

I think he is superficial and foolish. You can find someone kinder.

I get why you feel this way, but are things being ‘fine’ when they worked for him good enough for you? Relationships come with a range of challenges, you having different finances whilst you work on something important to you should be a minor one, yet he’s made it a problem and giving you the cold shoulder when you don’t bend to what he wants.

There are men who would never dream of asking you to contribute whilst you study and they work full time. There are men who would come and visit you even if it was only for a few hours and that convenient for them. There are men that would listen to your reasoning in a disagreement and apologise when they reflect on how valid your points are.

You need to think about the life you want both now and longer term and ask if he and your relationship are worth what you’re missing out on

It’s not reasonable for it to always be you doing all the traveling needed to maintain this relationship. If you want to see each other every weekend then he needs to put in some effort to travel and see you or if he only want you to spend time together in his place, he needs to pay towards your travel or cover the cost of the food. It’s not fair on you otherwise!

This reminded me of a guy I dated years ago when I was a poor student. Do you know what, I didn’t miss him one little bit when I dumped him!! Bet he’s still a charmer even now 😂

Ahhhhh this has made me feel a bit sad for you.
At 23 and as a student you should be having more fun not playing house with a tightwad, who tbh sounds a wee bit controlling to boot.
I would tell him that you are planning on staying in Preston for the next few weeks in order to look for a p/t job to top up your loan. See what he says. His reaction may be what you need to decide whether this relationship is worth holding on to.
Even if there’s nothing out there you’ll be saving on train fares!

Money, sadly is often the straw that break a relationships back. I've been with dh since I was 22, we knew that there would be times when I was earning more than him and vice versa and we helped each other. Never did either of us insist on "paying back". But I had friends who did. Those relationships didn't last or were happy.

This is who he is, a tight arse.
You are wasting your university time going to him every weekend.
Stay in Halls, get a job.
Dump his tight arse.
You are wasting your precious years.
You will regret it.

You're 23. You've been with this man since you were 20. You're so young. You should be having fun meeting lots of new people dating lots of different men.

Not being in a relationship with this boring tight wanker

You know what? If a man can't even pay for food shop at the weekend when you are on a student loan and doing all the travelling to see HIM, then how do you think he'll treat you in the future, when you are on other situation with low funds, say maternity leave or out of a job, or when your parents are sick or if you get sick? This 50/50 mentality is really getting ridiculous.

Break up with him Op. He expects you to always get the train to his, to pay half of the shop, to do expensive things and to have loads of free time - all to fulfil his needs. He’s not willing to compromise and that’s not a good life partner.

He won’t change and all that will happen is his selfishness will become more apparent, in time you’ll have to move where he wants and live in the house he chooses. If you have kids he will expect to give nothing towards them.

Op what does he expect you to do starve from Monday to Friday so you can indulge his extravagant appetite he chooses to buy food he likes you eat it if he didn’t buy it you would eat something less fancy if you were working or living together that would be a different story. Op maybe eat at your mums then he can buy enough for 1 but he let it fester for 2 weeks and is still off with you. Do you want this hassle you could bin him off at weekends to earn money but he won’t see you it’s not like he’s offering to go halves for transport is it.

Don't be afraid of it turning into an argument. Sometimes arguments need to happen. It might show his true colours...

He is being rather controlling by putting you in a lose-lose situation. Very unfair.

Your contribution is paying for the cost of travel to see him.

Sounds to me that he is jealous of you bettering yourself and being at uni.

If he is being like this now, imagine what he'd be like if you had a baby and were financially reliant on him!!!

I think you should get rid of this one.
I assume your boyfriend is working full time.
Being a skint student is a temporary situation, your not asking him to fund your life for the next 40 years. He should want to help you out.
When I was at university, my bf travelled to me most weekends. I couldn't have afforded to travel to him every week ( he was from our home town). He paid for loads during my university years and never once commented or complained about it.
Fast forward to now and I earn more money, so I pay more of our joint costs. We have two dc.
I think when you get to the stage where you have a family together, there needs to be that flexibility with finances.
His attitude right now suggests to me that he'll be a problem in the future.

You need a weekend job to help support yourself you can’t be going visiting every weekend you also have assignments to do in the week. Your spending money on train tickets every week you can’t afford and clearly you’re costing him money he’s starting to begrudge. Weekend job and visit during breaks if you can afford it. you should be going out with friends and cooking dinner with housemates having fun not counting penny’s in Aldi stop visiting him if he wants to visit you that’s lovely otherwise you should stay at uni term time.

But this is a big one

And will be a big problem if you go on to live together and potentially have a family

i would stop travelling up and concentrate on getting a job. Put the onus on him to make the effort and see what happens.
i think it’s a real shame you’re missing out on uni life as he doesn’t sound good for you, sorry.

He's showing you who he is, OP. Notice. Mark. Take stock of what other PPs have said. It's all about him.

You deserve to enjoy your university years, make new friends, branch out. Grow.

Put a distance between yourself and this bf, who sounds like a selfish controller.

Don't ruin your future by feeling you have to stick with him.

McDonald’s - they would offer you shifts around your studying.

End it. You're 23 and have so much going on.

Youre supposed to be having fun.

Not wasting your your youth trying and failing to please a man. You have years ahead of you for that 🫣🤪

^ I'm joking about that. Well, sort of, insofar as.youre already trying to bend your full life around a bloke that doesn't visit you and invoices you for food when he knows you have less than him.

Pick up your self esteem. Once you have kids and a mortgage you will find it hard to prioritise yourself but right now that's exactly what you do because you're building a life you deserve. Settle with him and that's what you deserve. There's more to life than a boy that's making it harder than nit needs to be.

I was in a long distance relationship for about 6 years and I had to travel to London from the other side on England every weekend, he never came to me and never paid for my train ticket, IF he brought us food I would go halves with him but I usually paid, and he used to ‘lend’ money off me and I’d never see it again. I worked as a cleaner 2 hours a day and was at college and was seriously broke and he didn’t care.

My advice to you is to is to either stand your ground and tell him how it is for you right now and tell him to stop being selfish or leave him while you still have that distance between you, it will be easier to get over him and move on. I think you deserve someone more understanding and respectful tbh.

Op end this relationship get a weekend job and just focus on uni with some you fun time thrown in this set up isn't worth it

i was a poor student too with a boyfriend that was a few years old and in a job. The dynamics was awful in hindsight and once I got my corporate job for a global brand I thought it would get better… it didn’t. So we split up. I look back and realise how much of my early 20’s were lost trying to please him with me running around to see him, and do things I simply couldn’t afford at the time. Just cut your losses, enjoy university and come back in a few years and tell us about your career and your new man!! Xxx