Arguments over money

[Wholelotoflabour]

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together for 3 years and my boyfriend rents a flat in town (manchester). I currently live in Preston in halls at university so I go home at the weekend and stay with my boyfriend.

I don’t have a job, I just have my student loan. I get this every 3 months and it works out that I have £50 a week. I get by okay, do my food shopping at Aldi but I have been looking for a part time job as well.

When I go round to my boyfriends at the weekend, he often wants to cook lots of nice food and do things. So he will go to the shop to buy food for the weekend, but then two weeks ago he text me while I was on the train back saying he is sick of me never paying half of the food that he buys us at the weekend. I called him and apologised and said after I have bought my own food shopping plus return train tickets to his house, paid my phone bill I don’t have much money left. Sometimes I don’t have any money left at all. My grandparents help me out by giving me a little bit each month if I’m struggling, but this is another reason why I am trying to get a job, I don’t want them to keep doing this as I feel guilty.

I said I am happy to contribute to the food costs but we can’t be buying loads of stuff and shopping at expensive places, or maybe he can sometimes come to Preston instead so that I’m not spending money on travel expenses every weekend. Then I’ll have money left to contribute to food.

Also, I told him I am trying to find a job but it’s hard to find one that is evenings through the week. It will need to be a weekend job, which means I won’t be able to see him much at the weekends. With uni, revising, working etc, I’m not going to have much time. He isn’t happy with this, so I feel like I can’t win! Before I went to uni everything was fine, I had a job so I had more money.

What is the right thing to do in this situation? Am I in the wrong somehow? I know it’s not fair for him to pay everything but if I don’t physically have the money, I’m not sure what to do? He has been off with me since the conversation two weeks ago and last weekend when he bought food I offered to pay a bit and he said “no it’s fine” but was clearly in a mood. Not sure where to go from here really

How much is the train fare to his? If he's choosing food that's out of your budget, deciding you're going to places you wouldn't go on your own due to cost and expecting you to pay half AND pay all your train fare he's taking the piss.

He’s a tight arse with his money - and he always will be .
People like this never improve - he will not change and suddenly become generous . This is it for life .

At least you know now - so decide whether to take it or leave it .

This....

I'd be looking at the total cost of the weekend...

Travel /time away/bought coffees/supermarkets shops...

Add thus all up...

Unless you're happy going into debt... Suggest he pays a large portion of it...

Or you part.

Where you go is back to your halls, where you remain and don’t see this idiot again. Assuming he’s working he must know the difference in income between him and the younger student he is dating. He does not sound like a decent prospect for a supportive partner long term. End it.

I was in this exact same situation when I was a student. I ditched him as I couldn’t afford to keep the relationship going. Yes I had more flexibility and time and could travel to him, but I couldn’t afford for the train fare and he wasn’t helping out.

I’m not grabby but his inability to acknowledge my financial reality was the death knell. And I’m sure I’m happier than I would have been with him. I live a relatively money-conscious life despite earning a good income, but I’m no where near as tight as he was.

Never spend your life with a tight arse.

This 100%

It sounds like the relationship has run it's course. Many, if not most, early relationships do not survive when one or both participants go away to University. You are still young. Time to embrace the full student experience, get friends and a part time job where you are now. After all, when you finish at University you might want or need to move out of the area for your career.

I was in exactly your situation at university and the boyfriend paid for absolutely everything without question.

It’s very clearly understood that when a student is a student they have no money available for life extras and fun things that one has one one has a job
He probably just wants to dump you and he’s looking for a reason to that’s my experience when they’re seeing somebody else they start being mean and picky with you
Just something to consider

In that case, to make it fair he should either split your travel costs or he should come to you sometimes and find somewhere to stay.

At the moment you're doing all the travelling and he's providing the food so you're both making an effort. What he's asking for is that the relationship comes at no inconvenience to him and plenty of inconvenience to you. That's not sustainable. Maybe he is under financial pressure. If the relationship is to last then you should be able to discuss all of this this together and agree something where you both make equal effort. If that doesn't happen then this isn't the right relationship for you.

Good luck with your studies.

Doesn’t matter, if you live in halls. You are a student, that’s where you live he should visit.

It’s not fair for you to always be travelling to him and you should also be getting a bit of social time at uni and your course mates

Visiting him every weekend is ridiculous

In terms of costs, yo are about equal for the weekend presumably once you add your travel to the equation. The total cost of spending the weekend together is travel and food, if you were paying all the travel and half the food it would be unfair to you.

The bigger consideration here is how you as a couple resolve this together, if you are able to have a reasonable conversation, understand each others viewpoint, come to a consensus and be happy with it then you have a viable relationship. If you can’t then you don’t and that’s Ok, you are both young and you shouldn’t feel a need to settle or put up with someone being off with you for a minor issue.

Ask yourself what will he do down the road if you have a child and have maternity leave, what would he do if you became ill and couldn't work? Would he see an equal partnership where you support each other through the good and lean times financially? If he cannot understand your situation now he never will in the future.

You are missing out; let him go and fully live at university. You can’t see it now but you are narrowing your life experience and sticking with him won’t lead to happiness. I was in your position and I wish I’d taken a risk and split up with my boyfriend earlier.

No one wants to be taken advantage of financially.

But the facts speak for themselves the discrepancy between your income is huge and he just can't expect you to pay. I was in a similar position about 35 years ago.

My ex BF was writing up his PhD and had moved away for a job and I was still at University full time. He used to pay my train fare and buy the food all weekend with me chipping in a little. He also used to spoil me buying clothes. I did have a job whilst studying but he was on a very good wage. He did want to marry me bless him, lovely lad. Different religions and was just too difficult.

A relationship that makes you doubt yourself and feel wrong footed is not a comfortable position for you. He has shown no understanding of your financial state and has used a very immature and aggressive way to approach you. A long hard talk with him is needed to decide which is the way forward for you both.

Having lived 50 years with a very generous husband, I can tell you that generosity in finance is often matched by generosity of spirit. He seems not to be generous with money and likely to be the same in spirit.

No, no, no, no, no, this isn't a problem because you're at uni - the fact you're at uni has revealed this behaviour of his and his true opinion of you and your relationship.

There'll be other times in life when you have more or less money available to you, that's just how life goes, and he's showing you how much support he'll give you when you have less - zilch!

If my boyfriend was away at uni and came back to see me every weekend, I'd love to spend my full-time wage treating him to some lovely food whilst he was with me.

You deserve someone who treats you better.

I was I students when I met my boyfriend. It was hard as he was working and wanted to do stuff every weekend. He paid for a lot and food. I had a part time job and used to pay £20 towards stuff every other weekend. But couldn’t afford more. He was fine with it and covered everything. When I got a job, we shared expenses and food. I do think your boyfriend is being a little mean. He doesn’t like buying food for you when you visit?! But you pay to travel down to see him! Surely you both pay to see each other?? You made a good point, getting a weekend job means you’ll see him less! Mind you maybe a Saturday job would be better for you? You’ll make friends and get some extra money in your pocket. But you’ll probably be too tired to see him after a long shift!

He isn't a Prince @Wholelotoflabour. Your life has changed and he isn't compromising.

Effectively, you pay to visit him and he doesn't want to host you. Presumably he enjoys the free sex. What benefits are you getting?

There are lots more fish in the sea. Enjoy uni and your youth.

He has all the hallmarks of a tightfisted controlling man child so beware. He's the type to force you into being a stay at home mum and then grudge buying you sanitary towels.

Red flag!!!!! Leave him. You’re so young. Find someone who is not such a prick.

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your responses. Very eye opening and I am finding myself agreeing. It’s upsetting to come to these kinds of realisations. I will talk to him, but I have a feeling it will just be an argument, which I guess says a lot

Honestly this is just an insight to what life would be like in the future. I can’t stand a stingy man… especially one that knows your situation and that you are studying and can’t exactly afford much if you don’t have a job.

You are still young. Find another!

I'm 20 years older than your boyfriend, OP.
I know many things have changed since I have been "dating" my husband (of 20 years as well), who always paid for everything since the beginning, including obviously my pension contributions. (For many reasons that are not relevant, lucrative marriage).
Therefore, I wouldn't settle for this, not now, not in the past.

when I was at uni (commuting) and my dp was working, he paid for everything - I might’ve bought a drink every now and then. We lasted, I don’t think your relationship will.

Ach lass the ancient vipers of Mumsnet will see you right 😆

… she says stirring newt stew in a cauldron over a low flame…

Seriously though, it may be an upsetting realisation, and sorry if it leads to inevitable consequences, but all of these responses have demonstrated that your initial instincts were totally correct! So trust that voice in your head and maybe explore if you value yourself enough? Do not be too accommodating.

Any decent man should be prepared to undergo a few discomforts to win your hand.

In the meantime, how about not contacting him and trying a weekend at university?
Fix a coffee meet up with friends on both days. Promise yourself you will talk to someone new. It will be hard initially but through discomfort comes growth! Do not put all of your eggs in one basket.

Finally, I read my dh, who is over sixty, and normally doesn’t swear, your op over lunch, and his advice was “keep strong and don’t let the tightwad fuckers grind you down” 💪