Mediator’s inappropriate leaked message

ThePurpleJellyfish · 2026-01-13T06:56:08+00:00

Been hoping to have mediation with ex for a while to sort co parenting issues. He’s been stalling for ages and saying that the mediators are phoning him and harassing him to book his MIAM. Yesterday he text me a load of furious messages. He was meant to have a chat to the mediators (not a proper MIAM) and the title of the video call was - Trevor has a Tantrum! (Imagine his name is Trevor) He text me saying I can stick the mediation company where the sun don’t shine, clearly I have been mocking him and laughing at him with the mediators. He said I’m on my own now and will have to sort things out myself. He said do not contact him again, only in an emergency regarding our youngest (he didn’t mention the child we are having issues with agreeing on co-parenting) I am angry at the mediators as there’s no way ex will consider mediation now. Also they knew why I left the marriage and how volatile ex could be, I feel like they have put me in a worse position now as I’m getting the hostile messages which will have an affect on our co-parenting. Obviously he was never meant to see their message! AIBU to complain to them? Ex has blamed me completely.

Original poster

ThePurpleJellyfish · 13/01/2026 06:58

He also said - I won’t be treated like this by you or them and if you want to mock me, go ahead!

I did reply saying that I have not spoken to the company since November. I told him I agreed it was inappropriate.

OP posts:

Nottodaythankyou123 · 13/01/2026 07:00

I’d be making a formal complaint - perhaps if he’d just laughed it off, you could’ve all brushed it off as a mistake and moved on, but given how much difficult it’s made your life, I would absolutely be complaining.

I’d also look to get the arrangement formalised by the court, if it’s in your interest to do so. I appreciate mediation is usually the mandatory first step but given he’s refused, I believe the court will then deal with it.

(As an aside, what they said really wasn’t that bad and his reaction is massively disproportionate but the mediators were being unprofessional which has detrimentally impacted you, so worth complaining).

RickAstleyRollerskates · 13/01/2026 07:07

I disagree. I think their message really was that bad. Not only was it unprofessional but it was dismissive and highly biased against him before they'd even had a session. That's not mediation in any shape or form.

I'm not actually surprised he reacted the way he did and tbh I probably would have told you to shove it as well. Why put yourself in a situation where a judgement has already been made.

That company has totally screwed you OP and you need to complain further. Very unprofessional and potentially dangerous behaviour that can inflame actions in an already volatile situation.

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/01/2026 07:15

That’s appalling, I don’t blame him for refusing to go and in your shoes I’d be furious. So disrespectful of them, it’s show bias before you even get started and is so unprofessional. I’d make a formal complaint. Did he actually go through the meeting with them when he saw the title? I’d find that very difficult and would have complained there and then. They’ve made your life much harder and given him legitimate reasons to disengage - he’s going to think you’ve said something to them even if you haven’t.

TalulaHalulah · 13/01/2026 07:15

Yes, that is shocking. I would also be making a formal complaint. There is no way you can proceed with this firm because they are unprofessional and I am not surprised this has put him off mediation.

As regards your ex, I am presuming he didn’t want to do mediation in the first place. I would personally just leave him to it, and parallel parent. Keep your money and focus on DC.

Iizzyb · 13/01/2026 07:17

RickAstleyRollerskates · 13/01/2026 07:07

I disagree. I think their message really was that bad. Not only was it unprofessional but it was dismissive and highly biased against him before they'd even had a session. That's not mediation in any shape or form.

I'm not actually surprised he reacted the way he did and tbh I probably would have told you to shove it as well. Why put yourself in a situation where a judgement has already been made.

That company has totally screwed you OP and you need to complain further. Very unprofessional and potentially dangerous behaviour that can inflame actions in an already volatile situation.

Absolutely this. Take this via the complaints & escalations process asap. This is hugely detrimental to your dcs and to you. Whoever is in charge of this mediation company should be spending every minute of their time working out how to repair the damage done to your family by their staff and the actual person who did this should be having their ar*e handed to them on a plate

your ex doesn’t sound like the loveliest person but that kind of treatment would have a massively detrimental impact on even the most reasonable of folk.

RandomMess · 13/01/2026 07:20

In addition to all of the above if you have had to pay anything I would be insisting on a refund.

Dolamroth · 13/01/2026 07:25

I would complain to them and tell them they absolutely need to apologise to your volatile ex and make it clear to him that they were solely responsible. Basically tell them they have potentially put you in danger.
I would also report them to their professional body and ask for a refund of any amount you have paid. Might even consider legal action.

Throwanon · 13/01/2026 07:32

I think you’re all overreacting to be honest.

Mediation isn’t a miracle. It’s not compulsory and it’s opt in. So if he doesn’t want to engage with mediation, you’d just note that for whatever legal processes that follow you engaged and he didn’t. There was no guarantee that mediation would have prevented legal action.

Let’s be honest, it doesn’t sound like he would have engaged with mediation if this “tantrum” reference wasn’t sent to him either. Because if he would have engaged without being sent that, instead he would now be telling you that he doesn’t feel comfortable with this company but is willing to engage with a new provider. He isn’t doing that. He’s outright saying he won’t engage. And you can tell from the way the mediation company has acted (referring to it as a tantrum), that they find him difficult.

So overall I think the mediation company has been unprofessional but ultimately you’re placing blame at their feet that is fully attributed to your ex. He didn’t want mediation and was making mediation difficult for everyone including the mediators.

rwalker · 13/01/2026 07:40

Throwanon · 13/01/2026 07:32

I think you’re all overreacting to be honest.

Mediation isn’t a miracle. It’s not compulsory and it’s opt in. So if he doesn’t want to engage with mediation, you’d just note that for whatever legal processes that follow you engaged and he didn’t. There was no guarantee that mediation would have prevented legal action.

Let’s be honest, it doesn’t sound like he would have engaged with mediation if this “tantrum” reference wasn’t sent to him either. Because if he would have engaged without being sent that, instead he would now be telling you that he doesn’t feel comfortable with this company but is willing to engage with a new provider. He isn’t doing that. He’s outright saying he won’t engage. And you can tell from the way the mediation company has acted (referring to it as a tantrum), that they find him difficult.

So overall I think the mediation company has been unprofessional but ultimately you’re placing blame at their feet that is fully attributed to your ex. He didn’t want mediation and was making mediation difficult for everyone including the mediators.

If I were him I would totally blame OP they have never had any contact with him so logically the only way they could of got this impression of him would be from OP

also they have already form an opinion of him so he’s not going to get a fair hearing

I would complain and take this as high as you can

Cassan · 13/01/2026 07:40

I work in mediation and I’m gobsmacked. This is indescribably bad. Complain all the way, op

DaisyChain505 · 13/01/2026 07:42

A mediation company is meant to have no bias or personal opinions, I would be putting in a formal complaint. This has had a huge knock on effect to you as now your ex will refuse all mediation and I don’t blame him.

Ophy83 · 13/01/2026 07:43

That is absolutely shocking. It is very serious and as others have said should be reported.

They have handed your ex an excuse not to engage and indeed to be verbally abusive/harassing to you (i.e. the opposite of what you have paid them for). You will now likely have to go down the more expensive court route. Even if they offered a different mediator I don't think your ex will accept any resolution that isn't exactly what he wants, he'll just accuse them of bias/being on your side.

It warrants both an internal complaint and a complaint to their regulator.

InterestedDad37 · 13/01/2026 07:45

Highly unprofessional, and a sackable offence. Absolutely complain!

BellissimoGecko · 13/01/2026 07:45

RickAstleyRollerskates · 13/01/2026 07:07

I disagree. I think their message really was that bad. Not only was it unprofessional but it was dismissive and highly biased against him before they'd even had a session. That's not mediation in any shape or form.

I'm not actually surprised he reacted the way he did and tbh I probably would have told you to shove it as well. Why put yourself in a situation where a judgement has already been made.

That company has totally screwed you OP and you need to complain further. Very unprofessional and potentially dangerous behaviour that can inflame actions in an already volatile situation.

This. Absolutely shocking behaviour.

Throwanon · 13/01/2026 07:46

rwalker · 13/01/2026 07:40

If I were him I would totally blame OP they have never had any contact with him so logically the only way they could of got this impression of him would be from OP

also they have already form an opinion of him so he’s not going to get a fair hearing

I would complain and take this as high as you can

Edited

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They clearly have had contact with him - he said they were harassing him before this. that’s a strong term.

He clearly didn’t want to engage with mediation regardless of this. His behaviour before he received that message clearly indicated he wasn’t interested in mediation. Yes, referring him as having a tantrum is inappropriate but he’s using that as a get out clause when his previous behaviour clearly indicated he didn’t want mediation anyway.

If he was interested in mediation, he’d say he’s willing with a totally different company that he gets some say in choosing. He’s not doing that, because he’s never been interested in mediation!

TheDaringFawn · 13/01/2026 07:48

Did he take screenshot of the titled meeting and does he have proof?

TheDaringFawn · 13/01/2026 07:50

Throwanon · 13/01/2026 07:46

They clearly have had contact with him - he said they were harassing him before this. that’s a strong term.

He clearly didn’t want to engage with mediation regardless of this. His behaviour before he received that message clearly indicated he wasn’t interested in mediation. Yes, referring him as having a tantrum is inappropriate but he’s using that as a get out clause when his previous behaviour clearly indicated he didn’t want mediation anyway.

If he was interested in mediation, he’d say he’s willing with a totally different company that he gets some say in choosing. He’s not doing that, because he’s never been interested in mediation!

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Is there proof? Were they really harrassing him?

I find it all hard to believe unfortunately without proof. Id want a screenshot of the meeting title minimum.

Who do you trust? a professional mediation company or someone who op is havjng to fight with to be a decent human being to hid children.

Soontobe60 · 13/01/2026 07:51

Nottodaythankyou123 · 13/01/2026 07:00

I’d be making a formal complaint - perhaps if he’d just laughed it off, you could’ve all brushed it off as a mistake and moved on, but given how much difficult it’s made your life, I would absolutely be complaining.

I’d also look to get the arrangement formalised by the court, if it’s in your interest to do so. I appreciate mediation is usually the mandatory first step but given he’s refused, I believe the court will then deal with it.

(As an aside, what they said really wasn’t that bad and his reaction is massively disproportionate but the mediators were being unprofessional which has detrimentally impacted you, so worth complaining).

I can’t agree - they are supposed to be professionals and know that they’re already dealing with tricky situations and emotional clients but here they are mocking one client. What they said was very bad! His reaction isn’t disproportionate, in fact I believe most people in this situation would react in the same way. How on earth can he expect to have an open conversation about his DC when he’s been mocked in this way?

TheDaringFawn · 13/01/2026 07:53

Soontobe60 · 13/01/2026 07:51

I can’t agree - they are supposed to be professionals and know that they’re already dealing with tricky situations and emotional clients but here they are mocking one client. What they said was very bad! His reaction isn’t disproportionate, in fact I believe most people in this situation would react in the same way. How on earth can he expect to have an open conversation about his DC when he’s been mocked in this way?

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Op hasnt said she has proof yet.... he cpuld be barking into the wind and just lying to her.

Which is more likely i woild reckon. I bet there is no proof op has seen and taking the man who wont father his children on face value.

Soontobe60 · 13/01/2026 07:56

Throwanon · 13/01/2026 07:32

I think you’re all overreacting to be honest.

Mediation isn’t a miracle. It’s not compulsory and it’s opt in. So if he doesn’t want to engage with mediation, you’d just note that for whatever legal processes that follow you engaged and he didn’t. There was no guarantee that mediation would have prevented legal action.

Let’s be honest, it doesn’t sound like he would have engaged with mediation if this “tantrum” reference wasn’t sent to him either. Because if he would have engaged without being sent that, instead he would now be telling you that he doesn’t feel comfortable with this company but is willing to engage with a new provider. He isn’t doing that. He’s outright saying he won’t engage. And you can tell from the way the mediation company has acted (referring to it as a tantrum), that they find him difficult.

So overall I think the mediation company has been unprofessional but ultimately you’re placing blame at their feet that is fully attributed to your ex. He didn’t want mediation and was making mediation difficult for everyone including the mediators.

That’s a big leap here. The mediation company are totally at fault here. I wonder if you’d say the same if it was the OP who’d been sent a message referring to her as ‘Phyllis the psychotic mother’ or “Crazy Cath” or some other such insult?

PicaK · 13/01/2026 07:57

I don't believe him.

Original poster

ThePurpleJellyfish · 13/01/2026 07:58

TheDaringFawn · 13/01/2026 07:48

Did he take screenshot of the titled meeting and does he have proof?

Yes, he sent me the screenshot.

OP posts:

rwalker · 13/01/2026 07:59

Throwanon · 13/01/2026 07:46

They clearly have had contact with him - he said they were harassing him before this. that’s a strong term.

He clearly didn’t want to engage with mediation regardless of this. His behaviour before he received that message clearly indicated he wasn’t interested in mediation. Yes, referring him as having a tantrum is inappropriate but he’s using that as a get out clause when his previous behaviour clearly indicated he didn’t want mediation anyway.

If he was interested in mediation, he’d say he’s willing with a totally different company that he gets some say in choosing. He’s not doing that, because he’s never been interested in mediation!

Show quote history

Your twisting the narrative to suit there
he’s never engaged with them but they have obviously kept contacting him which he’s see as harassing him

just like I consider the people who keep cold calling me about have I had an accident, is my council house in disrepair . I see that as harassing me

if they have contacted him and he has told they not to contact him and they continue to contact him they are harassing him

Shutuptrevor · 13/01/2026 07:59

I would make a formal complaint both to the mediation company and their regulator.
I would seek a refund for any monies paid, and compensation towards the now increased legal costs you will incur.

Be careful how you word it so as to not anger your ex further if he sees it, which he almost certainly will at some point.