Mediator’s inappropriate leaked message

[ThePurpleJellyfish]

Been hoping to have mediation with ex for a while to sort co parenting issues. He’s been stalling for ages and saying that the mediators are phoning him and harassing him to book his MIAM. Yesterday he text me a load of furious messages. He was meant to have a chat to the mediators (not a proper MIAM) and the title of the video call was -

Trevor has a Tantrum! (Imagine his name is Trevor)

He text me saying I can stick the mediation company where the sun don’t shine, clearly I have been mocking him and laughing at him with the mediators. He said I’m on my own now and will have to sort things out myself. He said do not contact him again, only in an emergency regarding our youngest (he didn’t mention the child we are having issues with agreeing on co-parenting)

I am angry at the mediators as there’s no way ex will consider mediation now. Also they knew why I left the marriage and how volatile ex could be, I feel like they have put me in a worse position now as I’m getting the hostile messages which will have an affect on our co-parenting.

Obviously he was never meant to see their message!

AIBU to complain to them? Ex has blamed me completely.

No where in her posts has she said she doesn’t believe him - in fact she makes it obvious that she Does believe him! Neither does she say he ‘won’t father his children’. You’re making things up.

my exact thoughts.
could he be making this all up?

@PicaK @TheDaringFawn

just seen your update. cross messages. then definitely worth following up with mediation company

Yes complain!

I would be seeing if I can complain higher too!

That is shocking behaviour and I am completely on ex’s side.
He cannot be expected to work with someone like that.

I can imagine that ex has probably been quite difficult with them but that is no excuse and they’ve cause you and your DCs serious problems.

I had issues with my own mediator.
He immediately took my ex’s side, told me I was stopping him from seeing my DC and kept saying about how I was like his own ex who punishes fathers because they don’t want to be with the mother.
Fortunately, I had multiple emails and texts to show me asking ex to see the DC and him refusing or arranging it and him not turning up and him refusing to see the DC unless we got bank together etc so the mediator had no argument for that but if I didn’t have all that physical evidence then he would have accused me of stopping my ex from seeing the DC.
I never complained but I should have.

Of course complain it’s horribly unprofessional.

This needs a formal complaint. Not only is it extremely unprofessional but it has already had huge consequences for you and your family.

I can't imagine the trouble I would be in if I did this at work.

She's said he's shown her a screenshot of it.

It sounded like they were ringing him to get him to book his MIAM as it’s coming up to two months soon since I had mine. So he then emailed them to tell him to stop harassing him etc. He did also accuse me of harassment the other day when I text asking him to please can we agree on a set schedule for co-parenting as right now it is completely random week by week.

In my sister’s divorce it was a requirement of the court that they went through mediation before a court order when it came to co-parenting. They had to show evidence and it had to be for X length of time. It’s potentially crucial. No one is overreacting.

Get everything in writing and make copies.

You will need to present all of this to the court as reasons why you couldn’t do mediation, but some of this could work to your advantage.

If your complaint (which you include in your court documents) includes comments about your ex’s volatility and that by calling out his tantrums (even inadvertently) they have now sent an angry man your way, which is scary for both you and your DC and that this has irrevocably damaged your co-parenting relationship (which was already hanging by a thread because of his difficult behaviour) then when the judge looks at the reasons why mediation didn’t work, they will also see all the reasons why he’s so hard to co-parent with, that the mediators opinion of your ex is that he’s a tantrum throwing man, and hopefully act in you and your DC’s favour.

I’m very angry and I paid £125 for my MIAM. I also told them intimate details about our marriage and how co-parenting is non existent/how resistant he was about mediation. They have done a lot of damage to our situation.

Regardless of whether OP's ex would have engaged or not, it's pretty shocking that mediation did this!
It would put anyone off.
Yes I'd complain and ask for a refund on any money I've spent

Oh that is shockingly unprofessional! Yes you should complain.

ideally he would reflect on the fact that the mediatiors think he’s a bit of a twat too but chance would be a fine thing.

Completely unprofessional. Even if they hadn't sent that to him, calling the video that shows that they are not a serious organisation.

Complain, and if they have a regulatory body, complain to that too.

At minimum, you need them to refund you, and write to both you and your ex apologising and explaining why it was done

What is worse is that he had the children last night and it was highly likely that he was venting at them about how I was mocking him etc. Either that or he would have rang his mother and been venting down the phone to her with the kids hearing everything. (He discusses adult issues with them and paints me as the villain)

Also tomorrow we were meant to meet up to discuss everything and how to move forward/we may consider a trial separation or what our next steps are. He was chatty and quite happy in his messages but there’s no way he will engage now unfortunately.

You haven't separated? I don't understand. Sounds like mediators were unprofessional but accurate.

Not necessarily

The court could easily take the opposite view. The OP has been bad mouthing the ex to the mediation company, who in a staggeringly unprofessional move has already taken a side before mediation began, demonstrating that he was disadvantaged at the outset. Therefore mediation was unfair on him (he can evidence the screenshot here that would back up his story). The court could take the view that it's been sabotaged deliberately and not take a favourable view on the OP and the mediation company if she doesn't try to rectify the situation.

He could argue that the OPs behaviour of spreading a narrative about him could also be influencing the children as well and also makes co-parenting problematic. This would counter the argument you put forward that he's difficult to co-parent with and to be fair he now has proof from a third party.

There's a strong argument either way that could be made.

You see how this unprofessional mediation company has put a massive spanner in the works either way.

The only way to rectify this is for the OP to make a formal complaint about the mediator, document it and have it ready to present in court when he produces a copy of the screenshot. she can then show she tried to take mitigation actions.

But either way he effectively now has the higher ground unless the OP takes action.

Write to them asking if this can possibly be true. Tell them you have a screenshot. Tell them this has already had severe consequences and that you want to hear back from them within 24 hours. Cc (the old-fashioned way, at the bottom of the letter) your ex.

Don’t let them have it with both barrels yet - leave space for him having done something weird with a photo editor. But make it very clear if it is true you will be making a formal complaint within their own structures and their regulators, and informing the court.

Yes, we are separated but not sure if we are heading towards divorce or whether we will consider a trial separation.

The mediators have really fucked up here.

I’m trying to think of positives for you which are:

1. you’ll get your money back
2. mediation with this type of man rarely works anyway, as they always have to “win”, so it probably would have been a pointless task
3. you can move straight to court proceedings, using this as your attempt at mediation and the likelihood is you would have ended up at court anyway. Sounds like your ex needs to be forced into doing the right thing (co-parenting decently) and while the courts can’t actually make him a better parent, they can tweak somethings which will hopefully make your life easier as you’ll have a set of “rules” to follow and he can be held to account if he doesn’t (but that means more court 🙄)

In short, he was never going to make your co-parenting life an easy one, so go for the big guns now (court) and get through that while the kids are younger.

Sorry you’re stuck dealing with this arsehole though. ☹️

Completely unprofessional and yes, I would complain and take it further.
You said you were going to discuss having a trial separation. I don’t understand?

OMG dealing with these men is so EXHAUSTING!. having to walk on eggshells to keep the peace. Having to endure their nastiness qnd stroke their over bloated egos. They never put the kids needs first. It's all about them!.

I agree with all of this. Strong complaints to the mediators and insist on your money back.

And then use all of this as a reason to get to court sooner.

Cross-posted with the fact you’re not divorced yet, so didn’t realise that. Although it sounds like you should be 🤷‍♀️