Mediator’s inappropriate leaked message

[ThePurpleJellyfish]

Been hoping to have mediation with ex for a while to sort co parenting issues. He’s been stalling for ages and saying that the mediators are phoning him and harassing him to book his MIAM. Yesterday he text me a load of furious messages. He was meant to have a chat to the mediators (not a proper MIAM) and the title of the video call was -

Trevor has a Tantrum! (Imagine his name is Trevor)

He text me saying I can stick the mediation company where the sun don’t shine, clearly I have been mocking him and laughing at him with the mediators. He said I’m on my own now and will have to sort things out myself. He said do not contact him again, only in an emergency regarding our youngest (he didn’t mention the child we are having issues with agreeing on co-parenting)

I am angry at the mediators as there’s no way ex will consider mediation now. Also they knew why I left the marriage and how volatile ex could be, I feel like they have put me in a worse position now as I’m getting the hostile messages which will have an affect on our co-parenting.

Obviously he was never meant to see their message!

AIBU to complain to them? Ex has blamed me completely.

I agree with this. I would actually report them to senior partners at the firm and whatever professional body they are governed by - and would notify your ex that this is what you plan to do and would welcome his input to that complaint because he is absolutely justified in being outraged at their conduct.

They are meant to be impartial mediators, even where there may be a very difficult party to the mediation. If it was happy families, you wouldn’t be there, would you. Your child may suffer as a result of them sabotaging this process. That’s an unforgivable lapse of professionalism.

We are currently separated and living separately but in a “no man’s land” We haven’t decided if we will divorce or attempt reconciliation with marriage counselling etc.

They have that impression of him because of how he has behaved so far!. You would tell her to shove it even if it would be detrimental to your child?. are you male?

Clearly they were discussing whether their current separation would lead to divorce or whether it was a temporary split and could reconciliation be on the cards at some point.

I dont think reconciliation sounds possible here. And so as a PP said at least you can present it as you tried to do mediation.
They were so so unprofessional. I am appalled. And frankly I'm not surprised he's angry. I'd be fuming, but at the mediation organisation not you. Definitely make a formal complaint

Why on earth would you want to reconcile with this man?! He sounds horrible.

I think I would probably raise a formal complaint to the mediators, copying in your ex so that you are keeping everything open. Include in your complaint that you want your ex to be included in any response they send.

i would also suggest that your ex selects a mediator of his choice and offer to start the mediation process again from scratch.

If he won’t choose a mediator, you can then make a suggestion of one yourself. If he still doesn’t engage, you can show the court that you have done everything you can to resolve the issue, but that mediation isn’t possible.

Ah, I see.
Mind you, if he’s volatile and considering how he’s treating you now, I’d be heading for a divorce!

They may have that impression of him. But they are meant to be professional and unbiased. This shows that in this case they aren't. They should keep unprofessional opinions private and not put them on their records

You cannot compare cild calling to the mediation company contacting him!. Nit the same atoll!. He obviously never wanted to have mediation because he wants to keep the waters muddied!

I didn't look at your profile name. I see you are male. Yes they were wrong to title it as such and action should be taken against them. But as parent why tell her to shove it, why not get another mediation company?. Why just crash out and nit bother sorting things out?!. Put your children first!.

As someone else said, it is massively unprofessional and needs reporting (and a refund!), but it sounds quite an accurate description of your ex's behaviour.
He wasn't engaging with the process anyway, and it seems he was looking for an excuse to withdraw.

Given that he's blaming you for the mediator's behaviour and having such an unreasonable response towards you, is there any reason you wouldn't want this separation to be final?

I don’t dispute that the mediation company was inappropriate and unprofessional, and you should complain using the appropriate channels.

But the bigger issue here is why would you even consider reconciling with someone “volatile” who won’t engage with you about their own children.
Remember when someone shows you who they are, by their actions or behaviour, believe them.
If you reconcile with someone who behaves as he does, especially in front of your offspring, what you’re telling them, by your own actions or inaction, is that his behaviour towards women/his wife is appropriate. Doesn’t bode well for their own relationships in adulthood.

What some women are willing to put up with never ceases to amaze me.

Yep, I'm a bloke. What's that got to do with it?

He's obviously a fucking dickhead, but that doesn't excuse the mediators acting so unprofessionally and giving him an excuse to disengage with mediation

Op needs to complain, and should probably get legal advice as the lack of mediation might affect family court when it comes to it

Ugh... so horrible. Please rethink getting back with him. I have an ex like this sand it's just so heart breaking. He doesn't care about the kids.

If they’re being so disrespectful towards your ex what else and who else are they taking the piss out of? Very unprofessional and unethical behaviour on their part and someone is accountable for this.
Separation, divorce, custody, access etc are difficult enough without an agency, tasked with helping and supporting, using cases as a comic book joke! Bloody unbelievable!

That's unbelievably unprofessional. Surely services like this have rules in place whereby you never ever make jokes or comments like this in writing so that there can never be any chance of it being sent to the wrong person by mistake. I'd be livid.

(As an aside, what they said really wasn’t that bad and his reaction is massively disproportionate but the mediators were being unprofessional which has detrimentally impacted you, so worth complaining).

It really is that bad.

In what world do you suppose it’s acceptable not only to take the piss out of your client, but then to show that client your contempt for them and therefore inflame an already volatile situation?

They literally have one job - to smooth the path to consensus in broken or hostile relationships. To suggest that an already angry man in an adversarial legal situation might just ‘laugh off’ being insulted by the very people who are supposed to be completely impartial is naive at best! Their reckless lack of professionalism has potentially caused a complete breakdown of communication and a huge problem for the OP.

Agree with @Shutuptrevor (😂) re your next course of action, OP. And I’d let your ex know you’re dealing with it because of how unhappy you are with their conduct, just to reinforce the idea that you weren’t aware or part of their piss-taking.

Realistically if he wouldn’t arrange mediation sessions for co parenting he’s not going to do marriage counselling.

Absolutely agree that mediation company is massively unprofessional and should return your fee as a minimum

Did you orginaly send a message/ email with the words "Trevor has a Tantrum!" as the heading. If you did, whilst it is unprofessional and far from ideal, then you are partly to blame and need to learn when to keep written things neutral and professional yourself, as it is not uncommon for "Re:...." headings to be reused either delibratly or in error.
If on the other hand you have never written this and have never said it/ only verbally said it, then this mediator is extremely unprofesisonal and harmful and i'd suggest reporting it to their accrediting organisation.

Your DP however is not unreasonable to feel mocked, and disillusioned with the entire mediation process which clearly in his eyes is not an unbiased one.

A trial separation with a man who treats you and your children like this? You deserve much more and so do thd children.

Shockingly unprofessional. I’d certainly be making a strongly worded complaint.

There's no way you should even be considering reconciliation with the way he is behaving. The only way forward for you is to divorce.

Regarding the mediators: it's completely unprofessional and I would start an official complaints procedure. I am not surprised your ex is furious. Anyone would be.
If you want to try mediation again you will need to go to a different mediator. He may or may not agree to that. But actually I think you'd be better off just going to a solicitor and discussing divorce.

Yes obviously you should complain! The person who named the chat should face severe discipline and they need to make it clear to ex that it has nothing to do with you.

As someone who is nearing the end of a divorce, with the benefit of hindsight I’d do this:

• formal complaint about mediation company. If they’re a member of a professional body (quite a few of them are), they’ll have a complaints procedure. Follow this.
• Divorce this man (for reasons given by PP). Mediation isn’t going to work with him, especially now.
• File for court proceedings - your MIAM will count for this (get the certificate from them before you complain).

I can assure you that I could have made a very emotional reply about mediators, co-parenting etc BUT I’ve learnt that this process is about head, not heart. Really difficult to do when you and your kids are in it.