Mediator’s inappropriate leaked message

[ThePurpleJellyfish]

Been hoping to have mediation with ex for a while to sort co parenting issues. He’s been stalling for ages and saying that the mediators are phoning him and harassing him to book his MIAM. Yesterday he text me a load of furious messages. He was meant to have a chat to the mediators (not a proper MIAM) and the title of the video call was -

Trevor has a Tantrum! (Imagine his name is Trevor)

He text me saying I can stick the mediation company where the sun don’t shine, clearly I have been mocking him and laughing at him with the mediators. He said I’m on my own now and will have to sort things out myself. He said do not contact him again, only in an emergency regarding our youngest (he didn’t mention the child we are having issues with agreeing on co-parenting)

I am angry at the mediators as there’s no way ex will consider mediation now. Also they knew why I left the marriage and how volatile ex could be, I feel like they have put me in a worse position now as I’m getting the hostile messages which will have an affect on our co-parenting.

Obviously he was never meant to see their message!

AIBU to complain to them? Ex has blamed me completely.

Agreed.

Either it's all a lie, or he set up a meeting in his calendar to look like that.

What’s happened is really bad and warrants a complaint.

However, my step 1 would be to ask the mediators to confirm this has happened in the way your ex says it has.

If you go in all guns blazing and he has somehow fabricated this, it won’t help at all.

Well, they seem to have got the measure of him! If it was me, I might be thinking about what about my behaviour has led an independent third party to form that opinion of me.

My point was really, there’s far worse things than having a tantrum. Was it unprofessional? Yes! Did it undermine the very purpose of mediation? Absolutely! But was it severe enough to warrant the explosive response? Not in my opinion. I already said I think the OP should complain, but his response just smacks of someone who didn’t want to engage anyway and has now clung to this as an excuse as to why.

I had a friend who sent something similar to a client, contacted the client by phone to apologise - made a joke about it, then self reported what she had done to her superior. She did not get in trouble. The client was shocked at her ability to recover after what happened - because these things do happen.

These things happen. Trevor was having a tantrum. You can’t mediate with abusers. You were never going to get him to agree. Just go through Court from now on. Use his tantrum as evidence of his volatile behaviour and his inability to conduct himself appropriately with you or third parties.

That's absolutely disgraceful of the mediation company. I would be making a joint complaint. I would actually tell ex you want to make the complaint together and you are appalled by this.
No matter what the issues between you, you have both saught professional advice and your situation has been mocked, not just him but by writing that and then being carelss enough to send it, it shows how little they think of your difficult situation.
I would show solidarity with him on this, which actually might also help future mediation or whatever you are going to do. And take it forward to a joint complaint and request compensation and refund of any monies spent with this company as their actions have directly resulted in a failed mediation.

Agree... but I wouldn't tell them that they have potentially put you in danger... since they are the kind of idiots who may reference that comment in some form in the letter they send him and make things even worse.

I think you need legal advice on how to get your money back and that any apology they plan to send him you must approve first, since they've proved they are not switched on at all.

As another poster pointed out... you will probably have to go down a more expensive legal route now as Ex won't engage in mediation. It doesn't matter whether he's difficult or not. It was a chance that handled properly you could have resolved some if not all issues with him. They've made everything much more difficult for you by their unprofessionalism's and should be accountable for that.

That you are challenging them and disapprove of their actions too ,it might help the situation.

I was not in any way justifying his response, @Nottodaythankyou123. They definitely had the measure of him, which is what makes their mistake so egregious!

A man prone to anger tantrums in the middle of stressful negotiations is not one who’ll respond proportionately to piss-taking, and him using this as an excuse to blow up the whole process was entirely predictable.

You’d hope that people in the business of mediation would have enough insight into human nature to understand the consequences of a gaff like this, which is potentially catastrophic for the OP and makes it vanishingly unlikely they’ll reach an amicable settlement.

They’ve not just done a bad job, they’ve achieved the diametric opposite of their purpose and made the whole situation even more difficult and hostile through the brainless use of an office in-joke.

I agree and disagree. I think what the company did was awful, but the ExH should not be blaming the OP. It sounds like he never anted to engage and this has given him the righteous excuse to not engage. What a reasonable person would do is put in a complaint and then chose another company. OP stay calm. You could offer for him to pick the mediators. Show you are still willing to engage as this will go for you in court. Ultimately if he will not (it is mandatory for divorces where kids are involved) this will go against him, not you. And you complain to the mediators. Keep all nasty messages from him.

also to @rwalker i think its you who is twisting the narrative. In UK divorces it is mandatory to engage in mediation prior to the formal court process. If he didnt want to engage wih that company (why not?) then he should be finding one he is comfortable with and engaging with the OP. What the OP is describing is that she is doing all the chasing and he is not engaging at all.

Did this actually happen? Or is he such a jerk and so committed to not engaging in the appropriate channels that he has edited a communication to look like this happened? I would have my suspicions and not play right into his playbook.

I think any person, no matter how reasonable, would feel quite distrusting of the fairness of the entire mediation process after recieving a messaged that showed a clear bias in favour of the other person.

OP partner sounds like a nightmare, and totally unreasonable in a lot of his behaviour, but in this i don't think he is being unreasonable, i think it is a normal expected reaction in the circumstances.

We need to do better in ths site. Why would he lie in something that takes simple screenshot to prove ? Which he did send by the way

Do better

yes they would - but the ExH is not acting like a reasonable person. He is blaming the OP and disengaging from the entire process. A reasonable person would be putting in a complaint and finding another company as mediation is a crucial part of the divorce process, and is designed to help families and in particular children. a reasonable person would care about the effect on the child, not concentrating on using this as a stick to beat his ex wife with.

That's awful OP that's very unprofessional of them
Definitely complain and get your money back and then what I would do is try another mediator. I'd probably tell him you've not been mocking him and that they have done that themselves and that you are raising a formal complaint about them and would like to try mediation elsewhere. Hopefully what he's said he's said in anger (not an excuse but most people have said something they regret in anger at some point in their lives I know I have) and will be open to trying elsewhere. I know I'd be absolutely fuming if I'd read that and yes I'd assume the other person had been mocking me to them as I'd assume that it had come from the other person rather than professionals. If he still refuses mediation and he meant it then you can get your new mediator to sign off on the MIAM certificate to say you've attended one and that he has refused and you can proceed with your application wether he does a MIAM or not.

Another mediation company that in his mind is also going to be biased in favour of OP too.
This is not a situation of his making anymore than OP.

There is no doubt that the guy is a prick, but really how would any of us feel about the entire process if we were on the recieving end of a similar message.

"Angrybird is acting hysterical again" - from a male mediator or family court judge - would you have any faith left in the system?!

Yes I would. In particular I would not blame my exh (who was twat FYI). What I would do is take control of the situation and source my own mediator. I would not throw a tantrum at the OP and refuse to engage (or rather continue to refuse to engage). Although this wouldn't happen to me as i wouldnt have thrown a tantrum to the mediator in the first place. you are excusing bad behaviour from the OP ex. It's not as if the OP's ex has been engaging, putting his family first and being amazing up until this point now is it? He has been not engaging and being difficult all the way along, and this is just a continuation of that.

Make sure the image isn't AI generated. Easy to manipulate real pictures with other details. He clearly didn't want to go to mediation and by sending you this image he can refuse, doesn't mean the image is real.

I would ask for a full refund of anything you have paid already and put in a formal complaint (emails) details as you put above and his response to it and his (justifiable) anger and enclose his screenshot. I would state he has been angry at you and will now not engage at all with mediation and is extremely hostile and they have inflamed an already difficult situation.

I would then let them respond. You can then forward on both email to him to show that you have taken it seriously.

Does he currently have access to your children / I would ask him following this if he will consider a different company if he won’t and refuses. You can then apply for a contact order and include a paper trail of your proactively to avoid court and do medication and what has happened.

If he doesn’t want mediation what is he suggesting? I found my ex would refuse everything but not suggest alternatives - court didn’t like this.

I this happened it’s really appalling. I’d be reaching out to the mediators in the first instance to find out their side rather than blindly trusting your ex since he clearly has ulterior motives.

if it did happen then agreed you need to go through their formal complaint process

It was a major cock up on their part. If it hadn't happened do you think he'd ever have engaged with them though?

The mediation company have behaved completely inappropriately and been unprofessional. Your ex, by the sounds of it, wasn't keen on mediation to start with. The company have contacted him because you'd had your meeting, and they wanted him to book an appointment, to have his. He's seen this as harassment, and they have inadvertently sent him this email.

Unfortunately, all the company have achieved, is to make a man who was reluctantly engaging, now refuse to engage at all. It's resulted in you receiving nasty messages from your ex, and no further along in the process.

A mediation company is supposed to remain unbiased, and the message your husband has received suggests that they have already made up their mind. In which case, it's not much of a surprise he's not willing to proceed any further.

Yes, you need to complain to the company. They've now made a difficult situation worse, and that's not only detrimental to you, but your children too. You need to keep all copies of correspondence to them. Another poster is correct, if the correspondence is included with any documentation for the Court (along with screenshots of your ex's messages), it allows them to see why mediation didn't happen, and your ex's attitude.

Totally setting aside the ex's previous behaviour, that is a really stupid and shocking thing for a mediator to do. Yes complain loudly and make it clear that this is not something that you are prepared to let go and their thoughtlessness has made the situation worse.
People who are saying "oh he is using it as an excuse" are missing the point that the mediator HANDED him this option. If their behaviour had been appropriate, he would not have it to be upset about.

Update - I emailed the mediation company and shared the screenshot - it’s real! They replied insisting that a mediator did not write that and that it is not in reference to either party. They stated that it was an administrative label that automatically attached itself to the invitation and was never meant to be viewed… 🤔

It should never have been added as a label.

How are they going to make this right? Are they part of a professional body/regulator?

I guess the positive side of that is hopefully that's so clearly absurd that they will be looking to make things right. Have they offered to do anything to make amends?

They have screwed up big time and you should take it further and be looking for compensation as this will massively affect your future. This is a serious matter. They are incredibly unprofessional.