When I see a man start a thread about his wife I know it’s going to be about lack of sex

[Freepaintjob]

Pretty much every-time.

Will start with I don’t feel close anymore, she seems distant… blah blah blah. We’re not having regular sex like we did 5 years ago before we had 2 children and she had to carry everything.

They need to start a thread before it reaches that point. I feel like the woman could be on her knees with stress, hair falling out, no sleep but as long as he is getting regular sex then he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t look at the bigger picture just cares about the lack of sex.

Please go and have a look at some of the recent threads that are started by men.

Agree. I started this thread after seeing the my wife thread in relationships and I was reading through think ok, and saw it was basically about sex when you get to the point. Then realised that a lot of these threads are like that.

I'm surprised anyone is surprised. It's probably one of the most common problems in long-term relationships, it's one that people might be embarrassed about confiding in their friends about and MN is a very famous site, frequented by women and easily anonymised.

There are plenty of threads by women complaining about lack of sex too, obviously.

The general MN approach to sex is like gazing into a different world for me though. It's overwhelmingly sex-negative - posters get away with framing the male sex drive as inherently perverted until you realise they're also very happy to shame women for being sexual. And I give thanks constantly that I've never been, and will never be, in a relationship where household chores have any effect on how much I want sex with my partner.

And you don’t believe them? My DH does about 70%.

They always start their OP by stating their wonderful qualities as a husband and father. They ALWAYS do the majority of housework and cooking too 🙄

My husband has a low libido, it doesn’t make me happy, I do have sympathy for people in relationships where they are suddenly celibate. I also don’t assume the man is a sex pest, I’m not a sex pest and I’m fine as a wife and mother.

I don’t get why people keep mentioning there are similar posts about women: it’s a female dominated site. Of course there are.

Disrespect and exhaustion absolutely would impact how much I want sex with my partner (which is what the “household chores” issue boils down to) and I don’t see why anybody needs to be “thankful” that their desire for sex with their partner is not impacted by either of those things.

The thing that annoys me is the coyness - it’s always about a lack of connection or intimacy and when actually questioned the wife could be out there running his life, doing most of the domestic load, working, buying him nice bits, busy watching TV and chatting every night - so what the bloke is saying is she simply isn’t as interested in very regular sex as I am - but he never phrases it that way

No, to be fair, on here, there are often posts about emotionally abusive women.

The best foreplay is him actually doing the dishwasher without being ask....

Agree with this.

Countless threads of women asking if they should expect their male spouse to do xyz in the house an/or with kids, how much are other male spouses doing, what is the split , how many lie-ins, breaks, alone-time is normal as a mother.

I rarely see these questions asked by fathers or males on parenting sites.

From the majority of posts across MN across a range of subjects, the sex of the author is not apparent, so you can’t tell for certain whether they are male or female.

A non scientific skim through recent posts show, where it is obvious, that many women too, are raising issues about their partner’s lack of libido and ED so it is certainly not exclusively male centred.

There are wider issues why women don’t want to have sex, including bad sex when it does happen, lack of offering oral, fatigue, lack of respect from a male partner and selfish bed attitudes to name a few.

I think it's because men will put up with a lot including emotional abuse if they are still having sex. When that goes too, they are finally ready to address the problems/ go on mumsnet to ask what to do (which may be to be more of a hands on dad, less selfish etc, or may be to leave the abuser).
Women need more, if everything was shit but they were still getting sex, a woman would probably ltb long before a man would.

I think yanbu. I can't remember seeing any threads from males complaining that DW doesn't do her 50% of the housework, or carry any of the 'mental load'. It's always the lack of sex

FreePaintJob, I utterly agree.

Oooooh this is a good point. As a PP said the fact that is all they ever comment on shows what they see our use is to them.

Yep. Always some long-winded old Jackanory about lack of affection and ‘intimacy’ <shudder> , eventually getting to the real point after multiple paragraphs. He’s not getting his willy wet, despite being husband and father of the year, and is about to start shagging a younger woman at work.

Zzzzz.

Every. Fucking. Time.

It’s so pathetically predictable. They then ask for advice on how to rekindle their marriage, and when we all tell them to do the dishes, tidy the house, cook dinner, and actively care for the children without needing to be asked they go silent.

Funny that.

Men should not be allowed to access mumsnet. Nowhere is sacred. Just bog off to dadsnet or equivalent. What woman would come across dadsnet and think oh I think I'll join that and give my invaluable opinions to the world's females!!!

80% of the posts or replies on the sex board seem to be men too… i steer clear now

“…that the partner who has unilaterally withdrawn sex from the marriage is never responsible and must never attempt compromise?”

Do you really believe these women consciously think ‘that’s it, I’m fed up, I’m going to stop having sex with him’? as a punishment?

Because I can pretty much guarantee that it’s not what happened. The woman is crumbling under the weight of all the invisible labour and is exhausted, and her libido gets squeezed and squashed so small it just ceases to exist.

The onus is very much on the partner that’s whining about the lack if 'intimacy' and 'connection'. Especially as they probably ignored every request for help from the woman they claim to adore.

I absolutely do believe some women do these because I've read them say as much, over and over.

"I don't get enough sex", closely followed by "So I moved to my mum's an hour away", "she does the nursery drop-offs/pickups as they're closest to her work", "I travel for work one weekend a month, and play 5-a-side one night a week and most Saturday mornings" "she seems irritated when I try to initiate" <at midnight when she's up with the kids the next morning>.

@GiantTeddyIsTired this reminds me of my ex H who used to go to meet his mates at the pub 2 or 3 nights a week ( if not on night shift) and then come in about 11.30 and bang around downstairs so as to make sure I was awake

Sex is the only reason a lot of men get into a relationship. That and wanting a mother figure.

Oh yes, I'm speaking from personal experience myself :) didn't get up till I was heading out the door with the kids, would ignore me all day (when he was around - he travelled, or we both worked from home) then head to the gym when I was heading out to get them (no such luxury available for me). He'd largely ignore all of us until I went to bed at 10 (he did bedtimes, but needed reminding every day), he'd come in between midnight and 2, and wonder why I wasn't very responsive (even though he was also refusing to do anything about contraception, and of course didn't like condoms, and there was no way I was risking a 3rd child).

Yeah.. what on earth could have been putting me off sex with him?