When I see a man start a thread about his wife I know it’s going to be about lack of sex

[Freepaintjob]

Pretty much every-time.

Will start with I don’t feel close anymore, she seems distant… blah blah blah. We’re not having regular sex like we did 5 years ago before we had 2 children and she had to carry everything.

They need to start a thread before it reaches that point. I feel like the woman could be on her knees with stress, hair falling out, no sleep but as long as he is getting regular sex then he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t look at the bigger picture just cares about the lack of sex.

Please go and have a look at some of the recent threads that are started by men.

It always starts fairly sympathetic and then becomes I want,I need.
No you need to be more considerate if partner is run ragged and get off their arse and help.

Yes. It’s so fucking predictable.

Maybe I’m being optimistic but I reckon over half of these posters are sad incel trolls, sitting alone in their rancid bedsits, getting off on the idea of irritating overworked mums.

I've never seen such a thread on MN. Is it on the Sex sub-forum? I've never looked on it.

Just look on relationship you will see them there. Some won't come back, as some of us are vipers and hate all men 😊

Some start on a Sunday night never to return.

I've been here 20 years. It was ever thus.

And they always say that they do 50% ( or more ) of household chores and childcare !

There are also as many started each week by women though saying the same thing though. They have a great life with a husband they love, they have kids to whom he is great father, we have a wonderful life together but we are like friends. What should I do?

Almost as many as the "I don't have sex with my husband and treat him like a pervert every time he touches me but somehow I am outraged and surprised that he watches porn/had an affair/wants to leave" threads.

I wouldn’t mind those threads if there were a few more explicitly by men on a broader range of other topics - style and beauty, or What we’re reading. Even parenting these not as many as you’d hope. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread by a man looking for advice on his wedding outfit for example. It does very brutally express what most men think we’re for.

Actually, I think only some of those threads are about sex. Maybe half? The rest are actually written in a way that makes me think he's desperate for a bunch of women to agree with him that his wife is a horrrible/lazy/controlling/demanding person who expects too much of him.... and then he's going to show her the thread.

Always amusing when that doesn't happen.

And there's always a bunch of people who claim that he only gets grief becuase he's a man, but it's in the tone and the style of the posts, even when they don't say they're a man upfront. When women write about controlling/abusive behaviours, they're uncertain and nervous. They suspect they're in the wrong. They feel bad for even questioning if what they're feeling is right and they tend to take on a lot of the "blame" and responsibility. I have seen a couple of posts like that from men and I've been sympathetic in each case. But in most cases, the supposedly abused man is weirdly confident. He knows his wife is an abuser and in the wrong and he's just looking for validation (supposedly).

Those are the ones that really really wind me up. The sex ones at least sometimes have a pretty good chance that they'll listen to the posters telling them to look beyond sex. Or at least, listen a bit.

I do agree but I would say there are many more started by women who are unhappy with the lack of sex and so I’m not sure it’s a fair representation.

Although I read one the other day and they had no sex life because the wife didn’t want it and so he decided to buy her sexy lingerie for her birthday 🙈 literally the worst thing he could possibly buy her and for her birthday!!

I wish men like that would ask on here to see if that would have been a good idea.

Like you say, even they do post it always seems too late.

At least some of them seem to be written with poster's that have at least some intelligence not like a lot of one's started in the last few days either by 12 year olds or with very low iq

Everyone always accuses the man of not pulling his weight though as if that's the only reason a woman might lose sex drive. My husband does easily 50% mental and physical work in the home but I still really struggle with low libido after having kids.

Most seem to want sympathy, it’s quite sad really if they do genuinely want help. How do they even know about Mumsnet, my DH would have a clue.

Yep 😔 I work in clients homes and overheard a couple having a huge row and the husband moaning about her not giving him any 'care, love or affection'. This a women who bends over backwards supporting him in his business, raising 3 dc including a toddler, caring for his elderly parents, keeping house and supporting his hobby.

Yes! And the 'child free hotel weekend' he wanted to book - you just knew it wasn't so she could have a break, but so that he could have sex - and she clearly knew it too and wouldn't go...

Exactly this. I do think women being ground down by carrying the household load is relevant but it’s often not that simple. I do have a tendency to point out that they’re probably also mediocre in bed and not just because I’m a man-hating viper (although I am a bit) but because I genuinely believe there’s a lot of lacklustre, lazy men who don’t prioritise their partner’s pleasure in any way.

They think women are going to say "you do 75% of the housework and over 50% of the childcare, she absolutely should be shagging you every night, I definitely would".

In reality he's probably done the dishes twice, watched the kids for 10 minutes while she had a quick shower, and expects BJs on demand after rubbing her left flap for 30 seconds and asking if she came after she ran herself ragged all day.

They are looking for validation to throw in her face. Nothing more.

There are a lot of those threads.

But I think it's not just about half the housework, giving the wife a lie in and taking the mental load. I think a lot (most?) women do experience a reduced libido as they get older and maybe this is a fact of life for marriages/relationships? And also, maybe some of these relationships are just dead in the water now.

For myself I didn't really want sex with my exH. I didn't fancy him anymore if the truth be told. I have wanted sex with subsequent partners.

When you’ve worked all day, sorted the kids and house, and even with a DH who pulls his weight fairly, the last thing you sometimes need is a considerate lover who takes his time pleasing you. Just make it a quickie and let me get to sleep!😄

We should have a Google doc that lists out the full list of everything that has to be done weekly, monthly and quarterly / annually to run a household with children and pets.

Then we can direct them to it as a first post to check what they actually do.

Perhaps an excel sheet that gives snarky advice at the end “Gold fucking star - you think you do 50% but you really do 15%. You’re wife isn’t shagging you because she’s exhausted and having to be your mother makes you entirely unattractive in her eyes”

I'm a super nice guy, I bought her a new vacuum cleaner (which she asked for!!) for her birthday, I'm nice to her little sister and take her to the pictures every week, I warn her when she's getting fat, I do 99% of the household chores if you count the fact I can make the simple act of making toast take three hours, I show my support for women by liking all my junior female colleagues' Insta posts, I even promised I'd take her to the football one day when the kids are older and she doesn't have to look after them while I go.

I do watch porn like all guys but I am considerate enough to do so when she's gone to bed. But when I come upstairs, she's already asleep, and then gets shitty when I wake her with my rampant manly sausage.

What is wrong with her?

As women we've been taught in various ways (film, TV, magazines when they were a thing, social media, our friends, occasionally Mumsnet, etc etc etc ad museum) how to be sexy and make men want to have sex with us. If a woman's husband doesn't want to have sex it's "What's wrong with me?". If men don't want to have sex with us we are less than.

If a man's wife doesn't want to have sex he immediately asks "What's wrong with her". But fyi men really you should be looking at how to be sexy and make her want to have sex with you. Clue: whinging about not getting sex is not a way. Think about ways you can change yourself not her. 👍👍

This. I'm a woman but I wouldn't tolerate months of no sex. If my partner wasn't willing to address the issue in some way, then I would end the relationship.

Sure every relationship can have dry spells but often these women (or men) don't want sex at all, ever. People always get advised "take sex off the table for a while". That's not a solution. The person who doesn't want sex just feels relieved, it doesn't bring their sex drive back.

Of course no one should have sex they don't want, but then they need to be honest about it. Being with someone you love and fancy but never being "allowed" to touch them intimately is actually really hard! If you haven't experienced it, you don't know how soul crushing it is.