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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move pre-schools again: Third in two months?

107 replies

LittleMissOverthinks · 12/01/2026 22:19

Long time lurker, I've signed up just to get some perspective with this!

My 3yo started pre-school in November. She's a very sensitive child who has never been left with anyone before and I spent a lot of time trying to find somewhere with lots of outdoor time and a flexible settling in routine so I could step back gradually.

I found what seemed to be a very lovely setting on first impression but was quickly made to feel unwelcome and like they were hiding something. (Day two, thirty minute visits.)

The first time I left, my child was happily playing, but when I collected a short time later she was inconsolable and said that the teacher had shouted at her and not let her join snack. I asked to speak to the manager, assuming a misunderstanding had occurred, but she admitted she had got angry as my child hadn't joined in with tidy up time (due to being overwhelmed and scared and unsure what was happening.) This was her first time away from me and I was shocked at how harsh the manager had been and realised there was no coming back so we left.

We've since signed up to a new one which is attached to the school we hope to get in 2027. The staff are much nicer but my daughter isn't at all happy to play away from me, and nice as they are, they're very hands off with all the children.

The garden is rarely open, and when it is, there's nothing set up to explore so it's quite dull. They aren't getting to know her and even when I've stepped out the room for half an hour, I've watched through a little viewing bit and she just stands alone and doesn't play. The children are happy and sweet but mainly just make their own fun. I'm not entirely against this as it encourages creativity and independence I suppose, but there are two new nurseries from a big branch that have opened locally a bit further from us and I'm considering changing again. One is a forest school with a ratio of one staff to four children and would be a calmer environment and my daughter loves being outdoors and would always choose that if possible.

My concern is the confusion I'll likely cause with being moved again, the fact that the children in the current preschool will eventually be mostly going up to the reception year with her so she'd have friends, and the worry that I'll just find some other fault with the next one we try.

Aibu to move her again so quickly or should I keep searching until we find one that clicks?

OP posts:
Mischance · 12/01/2026 22:26

Leave her where she is - give her time to settle. Some children take longer than others. Maybe negotiate fewer days to begin with if this is her first experience of a non-home setting.

In the longer term she will miss out on all the familiarisation with the primary school she is likely to attend if you take her out.

Littlefish · 12/01/2026 22:26

How long has she been at the second nursery?

Makingpeace · 12/01/2026 22:29

Give it some time and let her find her feet.

SkaneTos · 12/01/2026 22:30

I don't have children, but I have always heard and read that the age of three years is a difficult age to start leaving a child at childcare. (But I may be wrong, of course.)
Perhaps your daughter just needs some more time there, to settle in?

MidnightPatrol · 12/01/2026 22:35

You know it’s ridiculous to move three times in two months - and as you say, you’ll probably just find a fault with the next one too…!

NuffSaidSam · 12/01/2026 22:35

I'd leave her where she is on the basis that the problems seem to be:

  • she's new so doesn't have any friends yet

And

  • It's January so they're not outside much.

This will be the case at any nursery you go to. They are also problems that will be solved by the passing of time.

Arran2024 · 12/01/2026 22:37

My daughter works in a nursery. These days everything is child led. The staff don't play with the children unless a child requests them to. They set up activities and then the children choose what to do. The staff make lots of observations and write it all down. This is childcare 2026

SkaneTos · 12/01/2026 22:37

I also want to add, that I hope you find the right pre-school for your daughter, whether or not you decide to move her.

Nanof8 · 12/01/2026 22:42

Leave her where she is, let her get to know the other children, especially as she will most likely have some of them in her class once school starts.
Meet some of the other parents and have playdates outside of the preschool.
she may just be a bit shy and will come out of her shell once being there awhile.
I know my now 6 year-old would cling to me some days when going to children's activities and other times he would just run to play once we got in the door. (he never went to preschool as he was attending an autism support program to get him ready for Kindergarten) So we attended other programs for him to be able socialize with several children at a time. I do realize that at that age they do a lot of parallel play.
Can you do a graduated entry? Where she's only there for an hour or so for the first week or so and then keep adding more time.

ddfk23 · 12/01/2026 22:44

I would give her time. She will likely settle in she just probably needs a couple of months. And at that age kids really just play alone/alongside anyways. Not together. She will settle (we have been there in very similar circumstances)
I think you were 100% right to leave the first setting but wouldn’t be right at all to leave the second setting based on what you have shared. Also gives her a great chance to settle in ready for reception with her peers

PurpleThistle7 · 12/01/2026 22:50

My daughter has situational mutism and really struggles with new people. It was invaluable that she knew a couple children to start p1. If that’s an option I’d prioritise that - it’s not been long and she has no practice. Personally I’d try to just walk away and let her find her feet. She might take a while or spend some time on her own until she feels safe which is fine, but you will almost certainly have an easier time in a couple of years if you let her figure it out now.

UncannyFanny · 12/01/2026 22:51

I would agree you’re just not giving her enough time. I probably wouldn’t have taken her out of the first place on such trivial grounds as she just experienced a consequence because she wouldn’t help tidy. Honestly, stop moving her around and just give her time.

Original poster
LittleMissOverthinks · 12/01/2026 22:53

Okay, it seems unanimous so far, thank you. She's been there four weeks, with a break for Christmas and I feel like we're no further along now than we were week one.

Any tips for how I leave? I go out to the little parent area so she knows I'm nearby, and if she lets me go without screaming I've been offering a treat on the way home, but since Christmas that isn't working and she just begs me to stay! I'm happy to leave if she's playing but it seems so mean when she's clearly scared and uncomfortable!

OP posts:
parietal · 12/01/2026 22:53

if she is there for a month and still hasn't settled then you can think about moving her. but right now, give her space to get used to the new environment.

how many days each week does she go in?

Tryingagainfor2026 · 12/01/2026 22:54

Well done for trusting your gut with the first place and just leaving. I moved my child a few times and found them some where they loved. They weren’t confused and could handle it.

Original poster
LittleMissOverthinks · 12/01/2026 22:54

It's frustrating because she was so much more confident at the first one, but the lady shouting at her has made all her confidence disappear. She was actually excited to start with.

OP posts:
Trampoline · 12/01/2026 22:56

Leave her and let her settle. As hard as it is, trust the staff and walk away, go and get a coffee and don't peep through windows. Nursery staff will tell you that once parents are out of sight, children geverally settle much faster and within 15mins they'll have found something to distract her. You'll tie yourself in knots otherwise. This is absolutely normal. The separate anxiety is likely worse for you!

quarrybanks · 12/01/2026 22:59

Arran2024 · 12/01/2026 22:37

My daughter works in a nursery. These days everything is child led. The staff don't play with the children unless a child requests them to. They set up activities and then the children choose what to do. The staff make lots of observations and write it all down. This is childcare 2026

To be fair I trained over twenty years ago and it was child led then.

In my experience the best way to leave is to rip the plaster off and just go, anything else seems to prolong the inevitable, once a parent had gone we could start to distract the child if needed then they usually settle. In 20 odd years I only knew one that didn’t.

AliMonkey · 12/01/2026 23:16

It sounds like you’re staying for most of the session? You need to leave - a quick “mummy’s going now, I’ll be back in an hour” and go. The longer you stay, the harder it will be. Most children will settle after the first couple of times, but it takes time for them to start playing with other children. If there’s something she particularly likes doing then ask the staff to take her to do that (home corner, duplo, whatever) as you leave to distract her. Although it’s child led, that doesn’t mean a completely hands off approach - if child is upset, they will try to distract. Only thing I would say though is that staff to child ratios in school nurseries are generally lower, so it can be harder to give enough attention. A non-profit preschool eg church-run will often have fewer children per staff member (as they can afford to if no profit and potentially no rent etc) - though of course quality of staff is important.

AgingLikeGazpacho · 12/01/2026 23:20

Has she had much opportunity to play with other kids before preschool started?

Any chance you could set up a playdate with one of the other children at your house so she can make a friend, perhaps that may give her a little confidence boost?

GoldMerchant · 12/01/2026 23:22

LittleMissOverthinks · 12/01/2026 22:53

Okay, it seems unanimous so far, thank you. She's been there four weeks, with a break for Christmas and I feel like we're no further along now than we were week one.

Any tips for how I leave? I go out to the little parent area so she knows I'm nearby, and if she lets me go without screaming I've been offering a treat on the way home, but since Christmas that isn't working and she just begs me to stay! I'm happy to leave if she's playing but it seems so mean when she's clearly scared and uncomfortable!

You need to just leave, confidently, telling her clearly that you'll be back later. She learns that you'll come back by you going away and coming back.

By responding to her anxiety about you leaving, you're reinforcing that this anxiety is legitimate. She needs to learn the opposite.

It's horrible to leave them crying the first few times, but you do just have to do it. I agree not to switch her again. You're just going to unsettle her more. I completely get why the first setting put you both on edge but you need to be confident for her now.

OhDear111 · 12/01/2026 23:33

@Littlefish What are you going to do if she learns this behaviour makes you stay and it carries on at school? You do need to give the nursery a chance and stop hovering! Just let her go and make it clear you are going too! My DD2 had this screaming on my departure but was perfectly happy soon after.

RecordBreakers · 13/01/2026 00:31

GoldMerchant · 12/01/2026 23:22

You need to just leave, confidently, telling her clearly that you'll be back later. She learns that you'll come back by you going away and coming back.

By responding to her anxiety about you leaving, you're reinforcing that this anxiety is legitimate. She needs to learn the opposite.

It's horrible to leave them crying the first few times, but you do just have to do it. I agree not to switch her again. You're just going to unsettle her more. I completely get why the first setting put you both on edge but you need to be confident for her now.

Show quote history

This.

and
This
It sounds like you’re staying for most of the session? You need to leave - a quick “mummy’s going now, I’ll be back in an hour” and go. The longer you stay, the harder it will be. Most children will settle after the first couple of times, but it takes time for them to start playing with other children. If there’s something she particularly likes doing then ask the staff to take her to do that (home corner, duplo, whatever) as you leave to distract her. Although it’s child led, that doesn’t mean a completely hands off approach - if child is upset, they will try to distract.

RecordBreakers · 13/01/2026 00:33

Arran2024 · 12/01/2026 22:37

My daughter works in a nursery. These days everything is child led. The staff don't play with the children unless a child requests them to. They set up activities and then the children choose what to do. The staff make lots of observations and write it all down. This is childcare 2026

You've misinterpreted this.

Yes, play is child led, but of course staff play with the children, and encourage them in to play if they are not sure how, or extend their play, or their language, or their social skills or whatever it is each individual child needs.

OhDear111 · 13/01/2026 01:07

Many children don’t play collaboratively until 4 or 5. They might use their imagination and talk to adults but organising play with others is a step too far for most 3 year olds. Staff should always have a variety of activities available for dc to participate in. My DD1 loved dressing up. DD2 liked sitting quietly and colouring.