Is this just fucking rude or am I being precious?

[clothespegg]

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

This

I'd text another mother to say thank you on my dd's behalf, but my DD is 7. When she's 18, and an adult, I'd be assuming she was managing her own relationships and saying thank you herself?

the mother paid for the daughters flights for your child’s birthday, did you message her and say thank you?
your other child paid for the hotel.
its not entirely clear what the mother should be thanking you for

YANBU OP. I’d have said thank you as an 18yo and I know my parents would have too, and I’d do the same as a parent of an 18yo. My toddler and baby ‘send’ thank you cards after birthdays and Christmas and this was the same for me growing up.

Having said that, we have given some generous cash gifts for weddings and not had a thank you so I’m not hugely surprised.

Last year I hosted ds37 dil 35 Then other Mil, husband, and there ds asked to join. They are all from Australia except my son who has lived there since 2017.I paid ds (lived at home until he was 25) and dil fare, hosted everyone for 9 days. Even hired a bigger house to make sure no one was on top of each other.
Did the whole Christmas experience including cooking a few feasts Christmas Day, buffets etc.Hosted the pantomime visit (not cheap for so many people)
MIL sent thank you text as did DiL. My son has not spoken to me since the day he left over a year ago. We parted on cordial terms although he had been tricky throughout the visit. No cross words at all.
No one sent flowers or anything other than a text.
it broke my heart. My son has gone completely no contact. I have no clue why but no one is talking and the geographical distance makes some form of reconciliation very difficult..
I feel for you

yanbu. If it was my daughter, I would have thanked you over text at least, and made sure my daughter thanked you as well.

It is both hilarious and really odd that people think they need to send thank yous on behalf of their grown up children. If you’ve not brought your children up well enough to thank someone themselves then doing it for them doesn’t solve the problem.

Of course its rude OP.
If you gave your details to the girl's mum, then she was involved directly.
The daughter and her parents should have said thank you.
The number of people saying the mum shouldn't have to is a reflection of the lack of manners and basic etiquette in today's society.

I wouldn’t expect a 17 year old’s mother to say thanks for them. They’re a young adult and can do it themselves.

If your DD’s friend had to pay for flights and spending money to accompany your DD on her birthday trip, I wouldn’t particularly expect her to thank you.

It wasn’t a free holiday by any means and I assume she felt somewhat obliged to go (and pay for flights and spending money) if your DD invited her for her birthday. I assume she didn’t choose or plan the trip jointly with your DD.

You paid towards an hotel room, which I assume was shared with your DD so would have to be paid for even if your DD went alone.

Are you sure the friend hasn’t thanked your DD for inviting her and the sister who paid for activities/meals? Does she know you payed towards the hotel?

One of DD’s close friends has stayed abroad with our family, and been well treated by our family members. This friend has always been appreciative, said thanks to those involved at the time.

The girls are a couple of years older than your DD, so the other parents are less likely to comment or say Thank You although still quite involved in arrangements. I felt the young girl’s appreciation was sincerely expressed to my DD, and to family at the time and that this was enough.

You think just because they exchanged numbers (presumably in case of a problem) that the mother needs to thank OP on behalf of her basically ADULT daughter?

That's madness not manners

Absolutely. If the girl was being treated like an adult, its very unlikely that her parent's details would be given to another parent.

The girl's parents are ignorant.

She is 18. I would have been mortified if my mum felt she needed to thank people on my behalf at 18. Your newly adult DD invited another adult friend on a trip that you paid for as a treat, and they had a good time. Did your DD say thanks? If so I think your expectations of people are a little OTT.

Why should she thank you? You didn’t pay for anything for the other girl…

Yes i agree, for a child. But this is an adult going away with another adult. Its not a sleepover or childcare, its the adult DD responsibility to say thank you. Will you continue thanking people on behalf of your grown up kids? Really?

Parent's details were shared as a safety measure

Even adults share emergency contact details with each other

Its safety not immaturity

So did your daughters friend not say thank you? At all, during or after the trip? I cannot see if youve responded to that. If not then yoh should mad at her, if she has then you have had a thank you from the person who went on the holiday. Why on earth would the mum text you?? I cannot fathom expecting this when this is not a kid.

What on earth is wrong with some people. Why did her mam have to text you? People put so much pressure on people these days for THEIR expectations. Poor woman hasnt done anything wrong. I dont think my mam would text someone shes not that way minded with phones (but would in person and be ofc thankful) and I wouldn't either and I am early thirties. You offered to take the child she wasnt going to walk its obvious they'd be grateful. People just want so much gratitude for basic things these days, be more humble.

This reminds me of the opening of Rebecca; a paid companion expected to constantly grovel. Is it possible that they thought that, between flights and spending money, companionship for your DD was payment enough?! Did they have one hotel room or two?

What adults share emergency contact details outside of parents/kids?

I've never heard of this in my lifetime.

I read it that the OP paid for the flights (and the hotel, ice skating, nice restaurants were paid for by other family members).

I think the number of people managing thank yous on behalf of their ADULT children is reflective of the helicopter parenting that is so prevalent these days and does young adults no favours IMO.

My teenage and adult kids have great manners thanks, i dont need to do their thanking for them because ive raised them such that i fully trust them to do it themselves.

Seriously?

You've never heard of ICE numbers?

Just realised that abbreviation has less savoury connotations now 😬

She paid for HER daughter's flights

Friend had to sort herself out