Is this just fucking rude or am I being precious?

[clothespegg]

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

Well the present was for your daughter. You paid for the friend because you didn’t want the daughter to be alone. If the friend has already thanked you F2F then I wouldn’t expect her to message you now.

Would you have expected thanks from the mother if her daughter was 27 and still living at home?

An 18 year old doesn't need their mum thanking people on their behalf, the girl is the one being rude, not the mother. For all she knows her daughter has already thanked you..

She’s 18 now - seriously? The daughter should have thanked you, but to call her mother rude - come on

When they are children. I stopped involving myself in thank you’s once my kids were teens. I’m not going to thank a mother because my son slept over at his mate’s house that night when he’s 18, but I would if he was eight.

How long ago was this?

When my son was about 17 he had some friends stay over at ours and they were here for about two weeks 😁 They all thanked me but I didn’t once think that their parents should have sent me text and none of them did. It would have been weird at that age.

I think you’re still in mum and child mode. They’re young adult women now, thanks should come from them.

There's of course the possibility that the mother might not have been best pleased to have to find the money for flights and spending money so her daughter could go on a holiday that she hadn't chosen herself.

I don't thank other parents when they do things for my older teen DC. None of them have ever thanked me either. The teens thank me themselves. Why would I want another adult to thank me when they are not benefiting from my kindness?

They are 18 like someone else said. The parents would thank if they were both 8. I expect the friend said thank you herself. The present was to your daughter so hopefully she said thank you to you. This isn’t on the friend. As long as the friend said thank you to your daughter then that’s that. Your expectations are way too high.

It’s rude

i had a couple stay the weekend in my house last year for the weekend- I was away and it was all arranged

not a peep out of them, not a thank you text

they are in their 60s so it’s not age related

So your DD's present was "a trip to London with a friend". Did you thank the friend's mother that she spent probably quite a bit of money on your daugther's birthday present?

I would have expected the friend to thank your daughter for sharing the hotel/her birthday trip. And the sisters who organised/paid for the activities.
Obviously your daughter should thank you for her present.

But I don't think it has much to do with the friend's parents.
It would be different if you had been there to oversee the trip, or had paid for everything.

But did you expect a text from their parents too?

Some people are just bloody rude, so I know exactly what you mean.

Not on the same scale as your own generosity, but a few years ago for my DDs 13th birthday, I took her and a few of her friends out to a theme park for the day. So, no cost to the friends’ for the travel, entry tickets, or drinks/snacks at the park.

When I dropped off one of the girls (who was lovely) to her home at the end of the day, her mum was out on her front lawn talking to a neighbour. Glanced over to the car as her daughter got out (definitely saw her), then looked away and carried on talking to the neighbour. Not one iota of an aknowledgement, not a smile, not a wave. Nothing.

Years later I’m STILL annoyed - right up there with when you hold a shop door open for someone, and they barge through without a thank you! 😆

Even at 17 (presumably very nearly 18 now) I wouldn't expect her mother to text you, it was her basically adult daughter who benefitted.

And presumably the friend thanked you in person? I don't think you've clarified that

And she thanked the sisters during the trip (which has changed to being about how much YOU actually paid. DD1 shouldn't have picked such a swanky hotel if she couldn't afford it herself)? Possibly even brought drinks or coffees or something?

But are you mad at their parents too?

But as far as she's concerned all you did was a lift to the airport and host her for the night, did she thank you for that? Your daughter shared her gift with her friend. It's not like the friend could have said I'd rather not go I'll take half the money instead. She's only going because of your daughter. She should thank you for hosting her and thank her friend and the sisters. From your OP it sounds like you and the other mother had the same expenses.

They are 18 - I would expect her to thank DD. I would expect her to thank you for the lift, at the time. I would not expect her parents to contact me to give thanks, as they are young adults.

My mum made a wedding cake, free of charge, including decorations etc, for a friend of mine. Who thanked her very nicely , flowers etc. All good.

But her mother... i laughed my head off (secretly) when ar an event, friends mum was showing my mum and another friends mum wedding photos, with commentary. Gets to a picture of the wedding cake - no comment at all! AT which point the other mum says, somewhat pointedly, ""oh wow, 'mary' you made that didnt you? Its gorgeous! What a wonderful thing to do".

Friends mum then begrudgingly thanked my mum and made suitably appreciative noises.

Some people are just rude!

I Dunno. If I was in my 18 year old shoes I would say thanks to my friend for inviting me to join her, It was her present (from you) to give. I wouldn’t expect my parents to be thankful on my behalf. I would be more likely to thank them for a lift home if they are going out of their way for me, than for going on a trip with their daughter as It wouldn’t be a great present to your daughter to pay for her to go to London alone.

At 18, my mum wouldnt have thanked you on my behalf she would expect id use the manners she taught me and thank you myself

Read 1/3 thread. But what nationality are you and DD friend? It makes a difference.

Why should the friend thank you? Surely she would thank your DD for choosing her as the +1 for your birthday present to DD.

I'd have expected thanks from my dd in this situation not the friend. I'd kind of expect your dd's friend to thank her and probably your dd to thank her for joining her also.
But I don't see where the friend's mother comes into it since both girls are adults.