Is this just fucking rude or am I being precious?

[clothespegg]

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

What cheque?

The mum is still involved as she booked the flights etc. I do think it's s terrible manners from them. I always text the parents to thank them for a playdate or sleepover , and my daughter who now has a phone she is old enough to text family members to say thank you for bday and Christmas presents etc, it's just basic manners IMO.

Thank you card and gift would have been guided by me ..probably encouraging my daughter to bring a thank you gift back from the trip. It is rude OP
I won a holiday took another couple ..like you not even a token gift or thank you …never again

That’s completely different.

Sorry but why does expressing gratitude when your child has benefited considerably detract from "raising your children to do their own thinking"?

This is about the relationship between the OP and the girl's mother, not the relationship between the girls.

I don't understand why you think this is at odds with raising independent children?

Yes, it’s off.
Of course it’s off.
It’s terrible, awful, horrible when people don’t have the common decency to say thank you.
It’s crude, rude and socially unacceptable.
Whether your mother raised you up to say thank you or you were raised in a barnyard, certainly by the age of 17 or 18 you’ll have heard other people saying “thank you” enough times to have caught on that you should say it yourself at the appropriate times.
There is NO EXCUSE for poor manners in adults, however, bad manners seems to be at epidemic proportions.
You are completely in the right @clothespegg
And I despair.

I don't think there is a cut off age, generally if they don't live under your roof and you've not been involved is a good indicator? In this instance it looks like the mum's met and booked flights etc together and knew of the arrangements, the girl was dropped at the airport a d dropped back home to her parents...so a thank you was definitely in order. I mean even if my daughter was 25 and someone I know, and I am in touch with had the kindness of dropping her off at mine, I would send a quick message to say thanks, because she is my daughter and I would be thankful for anyone that helps her ...

Yes. I would have got you a card and a bottle of wine. It’s fucking rude. End of.

Surely it’s for the DD to thank you.

But you/sister didn’t technically pay for her accommodation - you paid for dads accommodation which you would have needed to do anyway.

And this girl bought her own money.

They likely didn’t realise how much extra you put in.

My oldest is 27 and recently went and stayed with an old school friend at their family holiday home in Italy. He had a wonderful week away for just the cost of a flight and spending money, an amazing treat and a bargain to boot.

Of course I sent the mum a friendly text to say what a great time my son had and how much he enjoyed staying in their lovely house. Cost me nothing and I received a lovely reply back.

This

Has the OP actually told us yet whether the girl thanked her?

No, lots of people have asked though.

My daughter is 18 and I haven't been in contact with her friends parents for about 6 years now, she's an adult, she should be thanking you herself

But if the other girls parents had been organising the trip they may well have booked a cheaper hotel. Look, I would likely have said thank you because I’ve been brought up to say please, sorry and thank you far too often. But I think if you look at this objectively then you were in control of everything because it was a gift for your daughter. Your daughter benefitted from the company of her friend and it cost them some money to boot. I think a lot of the people saying it’s rude haven’t read the updates from you and you should take those with a pinch of salt. As long as the friend said thank you in the moment and your daughter had a good time then that should be enough.

Don't you mean dd? Otherwise did says everything was great makes no sense. You also haven't said in any of your replies whether the friend said thank you. Not even when she was dropped off at home

I think she probably did and that’s why it isn’t being answered because that doesn’t feed into the narrative that a big thank you is needed. I bet she was saying little thank yous as and when necessary otherwise it would have been mentioned that she was ungrateful in the OP.

Assuming the daughter expressed appreciation, I'd say that's enough. What difference does it really make whether or not her mother did? If you want to think poorly of her manners, fair enough, but you didn't know the friend or her mother before this, so it's not as though a dear friend has been rude to you. You're thinking about it more than it warrants. Surely the whole point was to treat your daughter. You didn't actually do any of this for the benefit of the friend, but to make your daughter's birthday special. If she appreciated it, that should be good enough.

I would hope you stop texting people to thank them for your DD's sleepover when she's 18 though, that would be a bit odd.

The gift was for your DD, not her friend. I don't think you are owed a thank you from the friend or her mother. Maybe you should thank the friend for accompanying your DD and helping her enjoy her birthday trip, and thank the mother for making the time to help organise the flights and paying out for your DDs birthday trip.

So the mother paid for the flights
The daughter thanked the OP
What more does the OP need?

Is it the mother you want to kiss your feet?

Because they’re 18 I’m really not sure. As children I always texted a thank you to the parents but I don’t know if I would once they became adult. I would see it more as the adult kids do the thanking. I don’t think I would even be thinking of my son’s friend’s parents texting me a thank you but I would hope the friend was well mannered enough to. To be honest, as I’ve not been in that situation I’m really unsure about it.

I mean if I footed the bill, not if they contributed as well. I don’t involve myself in my adult kids friend’s families anymore.

Sorry @clothespegg, did DD's friend at any point say thank you either to DD or to you, perhaps when you dropped them off or picked them up? Or maybe she didn't say the words thank you, but she said they had a fabulous time?

Once they are grown up it is on them to say thank you, not the parents. I seriously would not worry about it. Take the fact they both had a great time as thank you enough.

I can see where you’re coming from, but where do you draw the line?

It’s never occurred to me to thank my DS’s flatmates parents when he’s gone on a lads holiday with his flatmates, even though I think one time one of the parents dropped the at the airport, and another time they were staying in someone’s family’s holiday home.