Partner wont live with me

[Foxylady210]

Partner of 3 years has just told me he never wants to live with me (or anybody) ever. He's divorced i am widowed. Aibu to now think if someone else comes along who wants more i should jump ship? I feel like im not good enough for him and almost like FWB. I told him I wanted a proper relationship right from the start. He wants me to buy a house near to him, but nit with him

Many people do this successfully as they age, but it is an equal arrangement, which the OP's is not.
She is doing all the running and accommodating.
She needs to value herself more because he doesn't.

You know now though, read up on the sunk cost fallacy. You don’t have to stay with him just because you’ve been with him for three years. Three nights a month isn’t even really a boyfriend never mind a partner.

No he wasn't up front about this. Only just told me at 3 year mark.

OP have you ended this relationship yet? If not, why not?

Oh come on

Eta: OK cohabitation isn't for everyone, that's fair, but the 'love' is absolutely of a different quality entirely.

No, it isn't, that's bollocks. Love comes in all shapes and sizes and it's not less valid for not wanting to cohabit. That's just a self-centred judgement you're placing on the quality of other people's love, which you have no right to do and no evidence to support. It's your subjective opinion - not an objectively true fact.

Then break off the relationship and move on. You are not compatible. He has made it clear he doesn't want to compromise so why should you.

😂 well yeah, nor is your opinion an objectively true fact either! And I have just as much right to an opinion as you do.

I didn't say you didn't and I didn't say it was. But I also didn't make a judgment on the value of other people's love. That was the point - missed... obviously.

But you have, it's just different to mine

If you are not happy, then it's better to end now than wait to find someone else.

Sounds like he is happy having his own place and independence, nothing wrong with that either, but if you want different things, it's never going to work long term.

I'm saying: you can't judge other people's love by cohabiting.

You're saying: yes you can

But then you're adding on: and it means the love is less than.

So we're not on the same page - the first issue is whether or not you can judge and the second one is you making assumptions about the depth of other people's emotions. Which is stupid and fairly unkind if we're being honest.

Yes it would be unkind on a thread where the poster believes that they are in a mutually satisfying relationship. But I was responding to a comment which appeared somewhat gaslighting to the OP who is obviously not satisfied with the relationship. Absolutely plenty of couples who cohabit can be very dysfunctional and unloving. But if you truly loved someone, you want to fall asleep with and wake up with them. I don't believe the love where someone doesn't want that level of intimacy is the same as a couple who want that mutual commitment. And I'm allowed to have that opinion

Eta: you have judged that it's the same thing. It is a judgement

Untrue.

Untrue.

If YOU truly love somebody YOU want to fall asleep with them. This is not true for everybody else.

Some people don’t even share beds with cohabiting partners despite truly loving them.
You are speaking for others when you are only qualified to speak for yourself.

And it’s not a “judgement” to say that there is no one specific way to show true love.

He's not being unreasonable. Neither are you, but it's now for you to decide whether it's a dealbreaker.

You are likewise only qualified to speak for yourself 😂

And some people say they truly love someone while having sex with others. I'm entitled to express my opinion on that, your opinion is no more legitimate than mine

It sounds like this isn’t going to work with you. You should say I’ve been thinking, thank you for the good times we’ve had and I suppose your eventual honesty about where we are going but a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to live with me isn’t going to work for me.

if he lied and made you believe you were going to move together, walk away.

If that never really came up, it's not impossible he didn't really think about it but after 3 years, realised cohabitating is not for me.

He wants me to buy a house near to him, but nit with him why doesn't HE buy a house near you?

every night he sits alone in his home, me in mine
if you are lonely, you are BU not to do something about it - you don't need a partner to spend your evenings not feeling lonely. It's up to you to create your own life.

If you meet a partner who is busy - with sports/ clubs/ volunteering/ and has plans most evenings, what are you planning on doing? Ask him to give up on his life? That's not fair and not healthy/

your opinion is a general statement if you truly loved someone, you want to fall asleep with and wake up with them.

that's just you though

Other people are merely pointing out that there's no right or wrong, no "truly loving someone" way of doing thing, it's entirely individual. Living together or not living together are perfectly valid option, both people need to agree , nothing else.

I wouldn’t want to live with anyone either (widow, last kid at uni). But what stands out to me is you saying ‘I feel lonely in this relationship’. One can have a great relationship but not live together, but this doesn’t sound like a great relationship. If he can’t give more of himself and that’s what you want/need, then perhaps it is time to move on.

Surely when you ‘get involved’ with someone you aren’t doing it with the expectation that you’ll move in with them? It’s not like you go on date and decide whether to have a second one based on a conversation about living together.

If you only want a relationship if it’s a cohabiting one, and he can’t provide that, of course YANBU to end the relationship. But YABU to think he’s done anything wrong by preferring to live alone.

Yes they are valid. But they're not exactly bonded! You can tell me I'm wrong but I don't care, you're not going to change my mind, and I have a right to express my opinion

For you, perhaps.

But everyone is different. You can’t possibly judge the ‘quality’ of anyone else’s love based on whether they live together. You might need proximity to feel that love, and that’s fine. But plenty of people simply don’t, and it doesn’t mean they love each other any differently.