Partner wont live with me

[Foxylady210]

Partner of 3 years has just told me he never wants to live with me (or anybody) ever. He's divorced i am widowed. Aibu to now think if someone else comes along who wants more i should jump ship? I feel like im not good enough for him and almost like FWB. I told him I wanted a proper relationship right from the start. He wants me to buy a house near to him, but nit with him

I think you've answered your own question when you said above 'Had i known it was leading to this i would not have got involved'. It's not what you want, so end it, and if you still want a relationship, look for someone you're more compatible with.

I used to say with my first husband, that in a perfect world we would buy two houses next door to each other, as that way I wouldn't have to put up with his leaving the loo seat up, lid off the toothpaste, picking up his dirty socks, etc., and he wouldn't have to worry about my leaving washing on the airer, which always annoyed him, and my other little habits, after all, we all have them, don't we? I felt it would help keep the relationship fresh, as when we were in bad moods we wouldn't have to see each other, and when we did want to see each other, I would feel more like making the effort to dress up, etc. Sadly, although the relationship did last 15 years, eventually all these little habits wore us down, and we began to irritate each other, so we went our own separate ways.

Your DP's way isn't necessarily wrong OP, but it's not for you, so end it, and move on.

It just sounds like you’re not really compatible. I don’t blame him for not wanting to live with someone else. If anything happened to my DH I’d never live with anyone else either. If you want someone to share a home with then you probably need to call time on this relationship.

Hi OP
I can understand both your POV.
I am over 50 and have a partner that I don't want to live with.

The fact you have to go his most of the time is a reason to sack him off.

It’s fine for him not to want to live with a partner again but absolutely not fine for him to ask you to buy a house closer to him! Bloody cheek!

I wouldn’t want to live with anyone but you clearly do, so this is not the man for you. Just end it and find someone you’re compatible with.

He wants free sex then

It’s odd!

I get it though. If I ever divorced I wouldn’t want to live with anyone again.

It’s odd because he wants everything from the relationship except building a life together. You’re basically his going-out friend for company and sex.

Neither of you are unreasonable and I completely get where he’s coming from. I do sometimes wonder whether some relationships would be more successful if the people involved lived apart - sometimes you’re compatible but just can’t live together.

I have to say it wouldn’t bother me if everything else was fine.

Are you currently living with him though? If so your post is very funny 🤣. If not, then calling him ‘partner’, if you’ve been together a long while and don’t live together, is a stretch!

Im like him op.
Nothing in this world could make me live with anyone again ever.
I will not give up my peace, my space, or my peace of mind or share my home again.
I did it once and and lost a lot,13 years on im still single by choice.
If i was to meet anyone, no way would i live with them not on your nelly am i going through that crap again.

My home is my safe place my zone its all mine no mess dont have to cook no idle conversations, just me in heavenly tranquility bliss.
Im the only one on my paper work my tenancy and everything else, just me and its staying that way.

So what exactly do you call a person you have been in a relationship with with 5-10+ years and you are in your late 40s or older? Boyfriend doesn't really fit

I think it's a bit odd to say he is using her for companionship and sex.
Women want companionship and sex too?
The issue here is she wants more companionship than him. So they are incompatible.
I would so much rather this arrangement than a cock lodger, but different strokes for different folks.

I think the crux is that he waited 3 years to tell OP this. Fair enough if you’re transparent from the outset, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

And the refusal to go to OP’s house—she must make the majority of the effort and do the majority of the driving/to-ing and fro-ing is a 🚩.

I think neither are being unreasonable here…

but really you’re going to want different things it seems. So maybe that is that.

The driving to and fro may or may not be a red flag. Personally I find hosting and cooking an effort and would be very happy to go to someone else's house, leaving my own house entirely my own space.
I don't think this chap deserves to be flayed. They just want different things.

Yeah

im not really convinced this is a proper relationship in his mind.

you’ve got to move on. You can do worse, but also a lot better id guess

That’s your preference. We’re talking about the OP here, who has said that she has welcomed him into her home, that he won’t come, and that all of the driving to facilitate meet-ups is on her.

I stand by my 🚩comment, as this post is about @Foxylady210 .

Do you want to jump ship for other reasons OP?

It's hugely disappointing he has waited 3 years to tell you this, but given how little time you spend together, I'd say it's time to cut your losses. An hour a day isn't a relationship.

You're only in your 50s. Time to find someone more compatible.

Must admit, if my relationship goes tits up, there is no way I’ll ever live with anyone else.

I would definitely break it off, certainly not buy a house near him and go looking for someone who wants to live with you.

Wow - I voted YABU but on reading your update this is barely a relationship is it? An hour or so most days, 2-3 sleepovers a month. Yes, I'd cut my losses. Better to be lonely for a while and have the possibility of a real relationship than in this less than half situation.

I am younger than you but I don’t want to live with anyone either.

I like my space and I don’t want have to risk giving up my home if things go wrong.

And so I can completely see his POV and I hope to meet someone like him.

But I can also completely see your POV.

Neither of you are wrong, you just want different things and aren’t compatible.

I would end the relationship because neither of you are going to change your minds and you will just build resentment.

Living apart would work well for me, but what can you possibly do in an hour?

Why are you travelling 80% of the time?

For me, it sounds like the time you do spend together isn't satisfying; so for that alone I'd end the relationship.

I'm in a similar relationship due to circumstances and I would definitely call it a partnership we are completely monogamous committed to each other and so on however we don't live together.

We spend time dating in the week so we meet in the middle for cinema Theatre gigs meals out etc then at the weekend I go over to his flat because he lives alone and I live with my children and we have a really lovely time he cooks and generally looks after me and I don't have to lift a finger.

So for me this is Perfection to be honest because I don't have to put up with any annoying habits he may have, we are always pleased to see each other when we meet up and have lots to talk about.

However if it's not for you then I would call an end to it and look for someone else who is on the same page as you are