Partner wont live with me

[Foxylady210]

Partner of 3 years has just told me he never wants to live with me (or anybody) ever. He's divorced i am widowed. Aibu to now think if someone else comes along who wants more i should jump ship? I feel like im not good enough for him and almost like FWB. I told him I wanted a proper relationship right from the start. He wants me to buy a house near to him, but nit with him

In that case op, I don't think you're compatible. Sounds like he likes solidarity and you crave being close to someone. Which you aren't getting.

The living together piece I understand but you having to travel to him 80% of the time would annoy.

This set up (not sure it's a relationship) wouldn't work for me. It all seems to be very uncompromising and on his term.

You feel like you a just a convienent option but he treats you as if you are.

Don’t play daft games of the “well, if you won’t live with me then you just have to accept if I get a better offer elsewhere I’ll take it” kind. It’s not the right relationship for your needs, and that’s okay. You can agree that you don’t have the same long term goals and end it without resorting to either threats about taking up better offers, or creating a mess where he feels pressured to move in together and it ends up as just the failure as he’s predicting, because he doesn’t want to compromise his own space and time at home and even when living together you still aren’t getting what you want from it.

Can I have him please? I never want to live with anyone again.

Neither of you are wrong, you're just not a good fit for each other.

Not Knowing either of you or your relationship history, I could be way off the mark, but based on your post I’d say end it and move on. He’s just not invested enough. It’s not because he doesn’t want to live together (personally not living together would be my ideal if I were to start dating again), it’s because he knows you want more and has said you should move nearer to
him. Why that way? If it’s because you want more and held ambivalent, he’s being honest and fair enough in a ‘take it or leave it’ kind of way, but I’d seriously question whether it’s worth the upheaval in that case when you clearly want something more than that.

If this isn’t for you, then yes absolutely ditch hm.

You don't have to cohabit to have a "proper" relationship. The happiest couple I know don't live together.

That said, you're allowed to want different things and acknowledge that you're not compatible with this man. That's what dating is for.

However, staying with him and waiting for something better to come along so you can jump ship is a dick move and any man talking about doing it would be skinned alive on here. Break up or don't, but don't monkey branch.

Neither of you is being unreasonable, you just want different things.

Even if you are both financially sound, he might still be thinking of complications regarding inheritance, divorce etc. Being comfortably off doesn't preclude you from protecting your assets. At least he's being honest and not making false promises and he has every right to live alone if he wishes. If you want to find someone to live with, then this relationship clearly isn't the right one for you. However, if you own your own home I would advise caution before you move someone in.

I think this is your answer- you wouldn’t have got involved, so why stay? I’d end things now

You were clear he wasn’t and he has now made his views clear,

plenty of 50 year old men that are solvent and would want a romantic relationship. So find one.

It sound like he is happy with out much intimacy etc and quite frankly doesn’t really want a relationship.

I wouldn’t be happy to go over once a week and service him / that wouldn’t be a relationship for me

You aren't compatible. You want different things. And that's fine. I did find it a bit depressing that you seem to be waiting for 'something better'. Just end it, don't hold him as a reserve rather than have no one.

He says he cant live without me but cant live with me That's bordering on blackmail territory, and he's making you feel that you can't split up with him, so you will have to lump it his way.

You are a convenient option, and he's asked you to move house so you're closer and even more convenient? He's not really considering you, is he?

I saw a good quote today. Something like 'the longer you stay on a train going in the wrong direction, the harder it is to come back again'.

There's no point in you staying in a relationship where you feel lonely and you're left alone every night. You'd be far better off dumping him.

Well at least he is being clear at least.

He wants company on his terms only and isnt flexible.

You either accept it or look elsewhere.

You dont sound compatible and I would want more from a relationship too.

Carry on daring other men then

Neither of you are wrong, you just want different things.

Like fuck would I buy a house near a bloke though, unless it was a lucky coincidence because I really wanted the house whether he was in my life or not.

I understand his view. He's been burnt and doesn't want it to happen again. Fair enough. I doubt I'll live with a man again. It's just not worth the risk but that doesn't mean I can't have an equal and satisfying relationship. Three evenings a months wouldn't be enough for me either.

You want something different. You certainly shouldn't move house for his convenience, and you should expect him to do an equal amount of travel, as a minimum.

I think you need to find someone else.

So he wants you to travel to him, wants you to spend money relocating closer to him, and let’s be honest moving house is expensive and stressful. so it’s all about what’s easy for him???

You both have different goals anyway so I’d set this one free and look for someone who wants what you want, and is less selfish

Neither of you are wrong OP, but I wouldn’t give up living alone. I could truly really love someone and still absolutely not want to live with them.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.
I never want to live with my partner either, and my stance on that hasn't changed in 6yrs.
Fortunately we are both of the same thoughts so makes it easier.
I adore him and love our time together but I just don't want to live with anyone again.
If it's more important to you, than he is - then perhaps you need to end it.
Don't hold out the hope he will change his mind or push him to, as it's not fair and he's been clear with you.
Either accept that, or move on.

Im in my 50s and divorced. I wouldn't like to live with anyone again. You can still have a meaningful relationship. I wouldn't move near him though.

OP, this is not what you want.
You are a convenience to him, no more.
It will not change.
You are wasting your time.
You are not compatible.
You are already regretful.
Stop wasting your time.

YANBU for wanting to live with a partner.

However, YABVU for saying you will leave him if someone better comes along. If it's not the relationship you want, leave him now. Don't string him along until you find a replacement.

YABVU for thinking that only relationships where people live together are 'proper relationships'. That's a really narrow minded view.

Many people choose not to live with a partner. I have been with my partner for 6 years and I most definitely do not want to live with him, and he knows this. I like my own space and we see each other several times a week and travel together. It's very much a proper relationship. There is 100% monogamy, 100% respect and 100% trust. Please explain why this isn't a 'proper relationship' and why this is 'less proper' than a relationship where people are married/living together but there might might be abuse, resentment, infidelity, living separate lives in the same space or any other ways people treat each other poorly and make each other miserable?