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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wont live with me

131 replies

Foxylady210 · 12/01/2026 16:36

Partner of 3 years has just told me he never wants to live with me (or anybody) ever. He's divorced i am widowed. Aibu to now think if someone else comes along who wants more i should jump ship? I feel like im not good enough for him and almost like FWB. I told him I wanted a proper relationship right from the start. He wants me to buy a house near to him, but nit with him

OP posts:
MadamCholetsbonnet · 12/01/2026 18:12

This sounds like a communication problem. If someone told me they wanted a “proper relationship” I would think they meant an exclusive relationship where we shared holidays and days together and provided emotional support.

I definitely wouldn’t assume they definitely wanted to live with me. If that was raised early on, I would make it abundantly clear that cohabitation wasn’t an option.

Did you explicitly talk about living together or did you just assume?

Maddy70 · 12/01/2026 18:15

That sounds the perfect relationship. Both having your own space , doing your own thing but having the companionship that comes with a relationship. If that doesn't work for you then this isn't the relationship for you

MrsDoubtingMyself · 12/01/2026 18:18

Foxylady210 · 12/01/2026 16:56

80% of time I go to his home. Stay over maybe 2 or 3 night a month. He hasnt stayed at mine hardly ever despite being made welcome. We see each other for perhaps an hour or so most days, then every night he sits alone in his home, me in mine (apart from when im out at my @hobby groups/with friends). I am lonely within this relationship. He says he cant live without me but cant live with me. He likes his "space". I feel like a convenient option. Had i known it was leading to this i would not have git involved

Why would you stay in any relationship where you feel lonely with no way to change this?

Songandance · 12/01/2026 18:22

If you are lonely in the relationship and it’s unlikely to change it’s time to move on. I am a big fan of living separately but I would find your arrangement of being apart almost every night lacking too. Do you not do holidays and days out together?

Brightbluesomething · 12/01/2026 18:28

I’ve been exactly where you are except he future faked and pretended he wanted us to be in a relationship. I also felt like a FWB and his cook. Even when I specifically stated a relationship for me meant living together he still got his needs met and refused to be honest. He also treated me appallingly so the decision was easier.
At least your partner is telling you now. Don’t cheat or look for someone else, be honest about your needs and leave. This isn’t getting any better and you’ve wasted enough time on him.

MoominMai · 12/01/2026 18:30

JHound · 12/01/2026 16:50

I also don’t get why you would need to “wait for somebody better to come along”?

Agreed.

In a way this makes you more unreasonable as at least he’s transparent about what he wants whereas you're pretending to be okay with it whilst keeping one eye open for ‘someone better’.

TomeletteswithGreggs · 12/01/2026 18:33

I should think by 51, people are entitled to not want to cohabit.

Thecatandme · 12/01/2026 18:38

Been in a LAT relationship for around 15/16 years now. My partner made it clear from the start that she wouldn't live with me nor marry me. If that was a problem for me then best not to start. We are both now in our 70s.

Suited me fine. It's lovely - more like dating. We see each other a couple of times a week and go on holiday together. And the rest of the time we do our own things. Check in every couple of days either by text or phone

Agree with PP about not moving closer to him without good reason. But do think you are unreasonable with the "until someone better comes along" line and about what a real relationship has to be like

Endofyear · 12/01/2026 19:42

Foxylady210 · 12/01/2026 16:56

80% of time I go to his home. Stay over maybe 2 or 3 night a month. He hasnt stayed at mine hardly ever despite being made welcome. We see each other for perhaps an hour or so most days, then every night he sits alone in his home, me in mine (apart from when im out at my @hobby groups/with friends). I am lonely within this relationship. He says he cant live without me but cant live with me. He likes his "space". I feel like a convenient option. Had i known it was leading to this i would not have git involved

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship to be honest. If you're feeling lonely and he doesn't want to spend more time with you, maybe it's time to end it and look to meet someone more compatible.

FoxRedPuppy · 12/01/2026 19:48

I’ve been with DP for 5 years. We don’t live together. I told him in first few months I didn’t think I’d ever live with someone again. I like my space. I’m in my 40s, he is 50s. We see each other once or twice a week, and I love the evenings by myself! I’m definitely not lonely.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 12/01/2026 20:15

It obviously bothers you. It would bother me because the point of a relationship is sharing a life and for most people ( not all granted) this means sharing a bed and a house. If not you'd just friends with benefits. I wouldn't wait until someone else comes along. I would just leave.

PersephonePomegranate · 12/01/2026 20:19

Agree with all the PPs. I don't know whether I'd ever want to live with anyone again, I suspect not.

It doesnt make your relationship 'less', but if that's not what you want, he's not for you.

patooties · 12/01/2026 20:45

I would never share my house with a romantic partner again. I could live with other female friends - or maybe 2 male friends who are divorced and fully self sufficient.

If it wasn’t working out I would move out without the financial and emotional upheaval.

JokerOfTwo · 12/01/2026 20:55

Foxylady210 · 12/01/2026 16:36

Partner of 3 years has just told me he never wants to live with me (or anybody) ever. He's divorced i am widowed. Aibu to now think if someone else comes along who wants more i should jump ship? I feel like im not good enough for him and almost like FWB. I told him I wanted a proper relationship right from the start. He wants me to buy a house near to him, but nit with him

My Dad (divorced from my DM for over 30 years) has lost two serious relationships due to the same reasoning as your partner, he does not want to live with someone ever again, it’s really sad but you have to respect their choices.

If you’re thing “I’ll jump ship if someone else comes along” then you need to end the relationship now, how awful for your partner.

Scohpahni · 12/01/2026 20:56

Foxylady210 · 12/01/2026 16:36

Partner of 3 years has just told me he never wants to live with me (or anybody) ever. He's divorced i am widowed. Aibu to now think if someone else comes along who wants more i should jump ship? I feel like im not good enough for him and almost like FWB. I told him I wanted a proper relationship right from the start. He wants me to buy a house near to him, but nit with him

I’d split up rather than go looking for someone to jump ship. Won’t end well if you’re searching for your next one cause your current isn’t willing to give you what you want.

Icecreamisthebest · 12/01/2026 20:57

Just end it. It's not working for you and he clearly has no interest in changing the way the relationship works.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/01/2026 20:59

Aibu to now think if someone else comes along who wants more i should jump ship?

I don't think you should "jump ship". If the relationship isn't working for you leave for that reason. Hopping from one substandard relationship to the next based on expediency isn't a recipe for a good relationship or for good self-esteem.

TheHillIsMine · 12/01/2026 21:04

So really you'll do for the odd shag but that's it.

echt · 12/01/2026 21:19

Three years is a long time for this just to come out now, but the set-up itself speaks volumes. He wants it all his way, but is at least being plain about it now.

You want quite different things.

Also, and this is not mere semantics, he is not your partner. A partner is what you want and he clearly doesn't. You say you feel as if you're FWB, and that's just what it looks like. Nothing wrong with that, but you want more, so best to end it I think.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 12/01/2026 21:23

If this is a deal breaker for you, end it. You don't string him along until you find someone "better."

ShakespeareInTurmoil · 12/01/2026 21:33

I don’t live with DP due to circumstance-related distance. I like having my own home and space to be honest. The plan is we’ll live together one day but if he said he’d move in across the street instead I’d be fine with that!

EmeraldShamrock000 · 12/01/2026 21:35

I think I’d feel the same way if DH died or left.
You want different things, don’t move your life to be near him, put yourself first, like he has.

PhuckTrump · 12/01/2026 21:38

So has he waited 3 years to communicate this to you?

The 80/20 seems unfair. You do all of the travelling and he gets to stay at his own home. Very cushy indeed.

You now know his hard line, and can only make a choice going forward—continue with the living apart setup or leave.

muckypuppyducky · 12/01/2026 22:07

Nah… DP and I have talk about this a lot, especially at the beginning of the relationship where we both said exactly what we wanted. He was certain that he never wanted to marry again. I said marriage was important to me, and I do hope to marry again one day. We have talked about inheritance (we both recently made new wills, but haven’t included each other currently however, we do envisage redoing them again in the future when we combine our finances and assets), and everything that living together versus marriage would entail. Within a few months, he said that maybe he was too hasty to say that he would never marry again, of his own violation. I never applied any pressure at all, hé thought about it and brought it up. We are not in a position to live together due to my DC, (I don’t want to do this to them at all!) and things are ticking over nicely, but if he hadn’t been willing to discuss our future as a couple and consider options that suited us both, I would not have continued in the relationship. We are both happy enough for the moment, but with a clear view of how we expect the relationship to develop.

Life is too short to muck about and at this point in my life, I am just not willing to compromise on what I want my future to look like.

If living together is important to you, stand up for yourself and don’t give into this emotional blackmail. Have the difficult conversations and lay your cards out. Either he will start to make some compromises to meet your needs or he won’t. Either way, you will have your answer.

YABVU to wait and see if someone better comes along. Sort this relationship first, and then decide what to do next.

Quitecontrary9 · 12/01/2026 22:11

If he is divorced it sounds like he has made his mind up he never wants to enter into marriage again. Living together would make you feel like a wife. If he is not willing to live with you, especially given its what you desire, then I'm sorry to say I'd be inclined to look for someone who wants the same. That is a partner who is committed enough to be with you under the same roof. Perhaps it's time to make your feelings clearer or you could end up feeling nothing but resentment in your situation.