Am I being Fussy?

[Chexton]

I wanted an MN sense check on an ongoing argument I have with my DH. To be clear, this isn’t ‘LTB’ territory, he is generally a great Dad and has currently taken a few days off work to look after me as I had to go to A&E at the weekend.

BUT, our approach to food is quite different. I would say I’m a generous cook and perhaps a feeder whilst DH has a large appetite but has a very simple palette.

Examples: I will make a sandwich with lovely thick cut bread, spread, chutney, cheese, ham etc.
He will thaw a couple of slices of freezer bread, no spread, a bit of mayo and slab of cheese.

If I’m doing a crumpet I’ll defrost in the microwave first, heat in toaster, spread and bovril piping hot.
He’ll put it in the toaster so still cold in the middle, no spread and a thin layer of bovril.

He likes it how he likes it and I like it how I like it. However, when I ask for things the way I like it, he teases me that I’m being fussy.

I know this sounds like ‘my diamond shoes are too tight’ type complaining but since recovering I have had
-cold toast with half a teaspoon of jam on it
-nice soup with a massacred dry roll
-hot chocolate with only half the ‘hotel Chocolat’ packet in it as ‘it’s fine like that’
-a sandwich with literally a slice of pre cut Emmental in it

We have no money issues at all, his dad is very frugal and has simple tastes so he gets it from him but I’m so fed up of him thinking I’m fussy when I gently ask if he can heat something a little more or put some butter on a hot cross bun etc.

Surely everyone has spread on their sandwiches, likes toast hot etc? Or am I being unreasonable??

When I make my own cordial incorrectly, I weirdly always use a knife to stir it and that just popped into my head....

I hope you recover, permanently, soon.

No-one really believes that a crumpet still frozen in the middle is ‘best’. They just don’t care enough (for themselves) to do it better.

If you are fussy, so am I.
#teambutterandbovril

Agreed!

I am more like your husband - I do have my own preferences but if DH doesn’t hit them I don’t really care. I get that OP does but does it really matter?!🤷🏼‍♀️

OP your DH sounds as though he is doing his best to take care of you,

He can't even be bothered to make a sandwich how she likes it!

You keep going on about finest cuisine and impressive foods, but a ham and cheese sandwich is neither?

It is wrong to serve a slapped together slice of bread with peanut butter if your ill partner has asked for a ham, cheese and chutney sandwich. No functioning adult is incapable of spreading butter or putting the correct ingredients between bread, even if its not what you like.

It matters if its important to your partner

OP is nor asking him to show any level of skill. If you serve someone food you take care over it and make sure it has the filling/spread they like. You make sure the crumpet isn't cold and you don't serve a frozen, dry bread roll when there's a fresh one. It's pure laziness.

None of what OP has listed are preferences, they're just half arsed things which may not matter when your cooking for yourself but when preparing food for an ill partner you take care

Oh no, you’re probably one of those people who thinks they ‘tell it like it is’, but actually you’re just mean. Hopefully you have nicer siblings.

Blimey, I hope the procedure has helped and you get what you need soon. Maybe after the transplant you’ll develop new tastes, hopefully for crap sandwiches and not quite right cordial!

Why would you have spread if it was for soup?

I don't think you are fussy, you just both have very different tastes, my husband likes pretty plain sandwiches so happy with a plain ham or chicken sandwich, without any additional sauces, I prefer more exotic fillings.

We can cater for each other, but personally if this is the only thing you can complain about him, I would suggest you are pretty lucky.

It's a difficult one as everyone is different, and what is important to them. In the early days of our relationship I couldn't understand that my husband liked really plain food, so would add mustard etc. as I thought serving him a plain sandwich was not very nice but he hated it.

Over the years you tend to comprise a bit, he improved his range of food he would eat, and I wouldn't force to eat something he didn't want to, and we both are happy.

Agree in this scenario it sounds like he's being lazy, but perhaps dry bread with soup is not a problem for him?

this thread is making me realise I have been in an abusive marriage I think. I dont think Op is being unreasonable at all but I realise that my husband takes so little care of much larger needs of mine than this. after I had a gallstone op he didnt so much as make me a drink and certainly would never have cooked. and thats the least of it.

I do agree. I don tihnk she's wrong to want things doen well for her.

maybe its becasue I grew up in a home I know realise was seriously abusive but I realise now I was in a marriage that was abusive. this would be 1/100th of the things ot complain about. even when ive been very sick my husband has not made or cooked anything for me even after recovering from surgery.

I really don't think your expectations are super fussy, "your" sandwich is just a basic, regular sandwich to me it's not like you're demanding things that are complicated or expensive, just a tiny bit of effort. I wouldn't react by sending drinks back for him to mix though, I do think that's being a little bit prescious.

im realsiing i am a completely traumatised and abnormal human being because I had surgery and didnt ask for one single thign and my husband didnt take me in for the Op. he did list after work eery day when I had to stay in but didnt bring me anything at all

I have a tip, stop freezing things, then you cant get cold crumpets and destroyed bread.

OP my DH is identical and I’ve just had hospital stays and I’ve sent stuff back to the kitchen. Mostly as I think he was trying to kill me.. he’s a terrible cook but on this occasion it was marmite on toast after gall bladder surgery and I kid you not it’s piled with butter (I don’t have much if any) and about half a jar of marmite thick.

I sent it back he wolfed it down as it was exactly how he eats his marmite on toast.

I think I’d just keep a spoon next to my bed and mix my own cordial though.. give us a sneaky stir.

I had my gallbladder out and my husband didnt even make me a drink. im seeing now that this isnt right

Intense that he makes his wife a drink?!? In my house, whoever is preparing the meal also makes the drinks people are having with their meals - what’s intense about that?! And we make each other teas or coffees during the day when we fancy one ourselves. Is that also intense? Or normal for a couple that live together?

Oh lovely that not normal, it’s a painful condition and even straightforward surgery is a good week or 2 recovery, so how did you eat and drink in the first days? Were you having to be up and about for getting back from hospital with no rest?

Normal to me looks like being allowed to fully rest in bed, all cleaning, cooking, chores dog walks etc done, food and cups of tea made and DH checking I’m taking medication, sleeping on the sofa so I can fully rest in bed and then telling me off for trying to do too much after a week.

Buying flowers and treats is the next level up, but again that should be something thoughtful.

I just got up and did everything. I cooked meals for him becasue he never cooks and I always cooked meals from scratch everyday for him. I didn't do chores beyond the urgent and we dont have a dog or kids.

there had been com[lications from the surgery too. id had gallstone pains for three years befroe and he never fofoered any comfort then either.

long story but I trained for sic years in an elite profession and asked for help before my phd submission. Got none and I went into psychosis that never killed me and now hes outrightly abusive

He would certainly never ever think to check I had my medication and took it. He was pissed off he was going to have to take a day off work post surgery but in the end didnt have to becasue there were complications so I had to stay in. He didnt drop me off for the Op and I had a lot of hospital anxiety.

It is not the fact that he likes his food simple and doesn’t mind of butter is smeared to the edges of none at all, it is the fact his wife, mother of his children, who is awaiting a transplant and feeling rough - asks for something not unreasonable and he laughs and ignores her. Over and over and over again. And has done for many may years.

He’s like this before @Chexton has had her transplant.

What’s he going to be like having to cook and care for you for weeks after the transplant. By the end he won’t even warm up the soup!

I hope you have a good support network around you @Chexton and don’t need to depend on him.

I think some things you are being a bit precious, who cares how the roll is cut, you are going to rip it up to eat it. Other I totally get your preferences.

Can you let the small things slide and ask for the important things before hand so you aren’t criticising and sending him back all the time. So if he offers you a sandwich tell him what you want on it before he goes to make it.

I am not sure are you being tongue in cheek here? I hope so… albeit I’m on the YABU end of the spectrum re OP..

No - its real. why do you think its tongue in cheek - is it that bad?